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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....


Redbul

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"Oh, go on love," I pleaded. "Just the once, and it's my birthday tomorrow..."

 

She thought for a moment, then said smoothly, "Ok, as it's your ultimate fantasy, I'll put on a lesbian show with Debbie for you."

 

I gulped.

 

"...BUT," she continued with a victorious smile, "only on one condition; that you do the same thing for me with your best mate."

 

I scrambled for the phone. "Hi Dave," I gasped, "Listen, do you mind if Lisa watches us next time?"

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A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company, Jones-Savoy. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

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  • 3 weeks later...

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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It's Friday and I'm bored..................

 

A father sends his young son to bed.....

 

Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance.... Lights out."

 

Five minutes later.....

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I please have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you..!!...."

 

Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

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  • 3 weeks later...

The editor of a newspaper in Wales was having a slow news day so he sent a junior reporter to a local villiage deep in the heart of Wales

He decided to go to the Miner's Welfare Club and pick up some stories about mining He meets with Dai Evens, a 68 year old retired miner and talks about the old mining days.

His conversation is interupted after 20 mins when the door opens and in walks Albert Smith, an elderly Englishman and also ex miner......... as Albert enters all the room stands up and applauds and a pint is thrust into his hand.

Confused the report ask's why an Englishman in a traditional welsh village got a standing ovation and free beer?

Dai informs him that the guy was the hero of a mining disaster some years before. The reporter is intrigued and thinking there may be a good story here, he ask's what happened.

 

Dai explains that it happened 20 years ago when a mine collapsed and that Albert had saved 70 lives.

How, enquired the reporter?

Well said Dai, he held the roof of the mine up with his head for 2 hours and that is why he has got a flat head...

Wow say's the reporter that's very brave of him... He looks and nods in the Englishman's direction and asks; Why has he got cauliflower ears Dai - did he play rugby also?

 

 

No said Dai - thats where we knocked him into position...

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I met an older woman at a bar last night.

 

She wasn't bad for 59, we drank and flirted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?

 

I said no.

 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went with her back to her place.

 

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

 

 

 

 

"Mom... you still awake?"

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In Queensland

 

The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying

an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

 

He called her into his office and said,

 

“You graduated from the University of Queensland and I need some help.

If I was to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

 

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

 

 

In Tasmania

 

A senior citizen in Tasmania was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be here.”

 

When asked why, he replied,

 

“I’d rather be in Tasmania ‘cause everything happens in Tasmania

20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

 

 

In Western Australia

 

A WA highway patrol pulled over a car on the main road. The copper asked,

 

“Got any ID?”

 

The driver replied, “about what?”

 

 

 

In Victoria

 

 

 

The copper pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his ute into the ditch.

 

The copper asked,

 

“Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.”

 

 

“Yep,” he replied.

 

“That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

>

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Heard my neighbour ****ging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall. Turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking the wall with her walking stick looking for help.......

 

I fell a little bit guilty about the **** I had now.

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Following a lot of research, the UK immigration officers have come up with the most foolproof plan ever to ensure that the immigrants to the country are culturally, economically and educationally compatible.

 

It ensures greater harmony, seamless integration and lasting peace in the country.

 

It's called 'The bacon sandwich test'......

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My wife looked up from her computer. "What does 'teabagging' mean?" she frowned. "Jenny just tweeted some jokey comment about it."

 

I explained it to her. "Yuck," she said, "how come you know that? Have you tried it?"

 

"Yes," I admitted. "Years ago, long before I met you."

 

"So what was it like?" she asked.

 

"Quite exciting, actually" I replied. "But it took ages to get the taste out of my mouth."

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A glossy black bird flew into my pub, and perched on the bar.

 

"Good morning young fellow," I smiled, "and what can I get you? Lemonade?"

 

Mimicking my voice, he said "Pint of Stella please mate, and a whisky chaser."

 

"Sorry sonny," I replied. "We don't serve alcohol to mynahs."

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

 

She Asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are Liverpool fans.

 

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

 

The teacher Looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your Hand?'

 

'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.

 

The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'

 

'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.

 

The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'

 

'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'

 

'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.

 

You don't have to be just like your parents all Of the time.

 

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug Addict, what would you be then?'

 

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.'

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall and DLT walk in to a bar in Dublin.

 

The barman looks up and says "Not Yew Tree again!"

Mark Gatiss was on Richard Herring's podcast. He asked when YewTree was going to expand its remit beyond the 1975 Royal Variety Show :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I’ll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me; my heart was beating so fast, the expectation was unbearable.

 

It seemed to take an eternity but eventually there she was stood beside me.

 

I gave her a cheeky wink and said “Get that bloody trolley over here, they’re doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2!”

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can't sleep in my class.'

Craig: 'I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.'

--------------------

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

-------------------

Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of

Pupil: Life imprisonment!

------------------

Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?

Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep it all in!

-----------------

Kid comes home from 1st day at school. Mum asks, 'What did you learn today?' Kid replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'

----------------

Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not

Pupil: Good, because I didn't do my homework

---------------

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

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  • 3 weeks later...

A woman takes her sixteen year old daughter to a doctor. The doctor says, “OK, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?” The mother says, “This is my daughter Frances. She keeps getting these cravings then she gets sick most of the mornings, but somehow she is still putting on weight.”

The doctor gives Frances a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Frances is pregnant – about four months would be my guess.” The mother replies, “Pregnant!?! She can’t be. She has never had sex, or even been left alone with a man! Frances?” Frances says, “No mother, I’ve never even kissed a man.”

The doctor walks to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and the mother asks impatiently, “Is there something wrong out there, Doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, nothing wrong. It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be f*cked if I am going to miss it this time...

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  • 2 weeks later...

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