TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Nando's South Africa always did funny adverts, here are a couple of samples.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k97AIRy5Z5U

https://youtu.be/_R7vu9SuxaQ

https://youtu.be/u1EX--vdxh4

Ben E King dies last week

BB King today

Billie Jean must be ****tting herself.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

Witnessed totally disgusting behavior on the beach at Southsea today; man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them, the police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it! Madness...

Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages ...

What do you call a Frenchman who wears sandals?

Phillipe Philop.

"I'm sorry, " said the doctor when my wife had her scan, "your child will be slow in development and may well grow up to have criminal tendencies. "

"Is there anything we can do? " We both asked.

"Yes, " replied the doctor, "move away from Liverpool. "

A man walks into a bar and says, "Doctor, I keep making continuity errors whenever I tell amusing anecdotes."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I feel like a deck of cards!"

The doctor replies, "yes, I'm afraid you have herpes."

There are two types of people.

Those who can extrapolate data.

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God says to Jesus, "You remembered it's father's day?"

Jesus says "what the hell am I supposed to get a man who has everything?!"

"Omnipresents."

The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.

"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.

That ended badly.

My wife got home from work early. "Thanks for plumping up those pillows," she smiled. "They needed a bit of an airing."

I carried on punching the pillowcase.

"By the way," she continued, "where are the new kittens?"

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed*

away."*

**

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."*

**

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.**

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."*

**

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"*

**

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"*

*

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It might be cold and rainy, but I’ve decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights in it.

Now is the winter of my disco tent.

I often boast that mine is the only cock Linda Lovelace ever gagged on.

It's not that big, I just never wash it.

Following the recent Euro debt crisis, the European commision have announced that the next batch of Euro notes are going to be printed on Greece-proof paper...

"I'm worried about this new spaniel puppy," said my mate. "Do you think anything's wrong with him?"

"Perhaps he's interbred," I suggested.

"Maybe," he frowned. "I've only been feeding him meat."

remember the time when my brother got sent to jail............ He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls.

...We never played Monopoly again.

I remember the time when my brother got sent to jail............ He flipped completely and smeared his own sh*t all over the walls.

...We never played Monopoly again.

Whats black and cold ?

Cilla

Typical grieving Scousers. They're still going on about the Black death.

The M6 between Manchester and Villa Park is closed. Fortunately this won't affect Man U fans going to the game as roads from all other areas are open.

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What is blue and f*cks old people?

Hypothermia

Snail craws into a bar, crawls up to the barman and asks for a pint. The landlord plucks the snail from the bar, walks to the front door and throws the snail as far as he can.

Three months later in the middle of the night there is a knock at the door. The landlord opens the door and sees no one, but looking down sees a snail on the doormat.

"What did you do that for?" asks the snail.

Snail craws into a bar, crawls up to the barman and asks for a pint. The landlord plucks the snail from the bar, walks to the front door and throws the snail as far as he can.

 

Three months later in the middle of the night there is a knock at the door. The landlord opens the door and sees no one, but looking down sees a snail on the doormat.

 

"What did you do that for?" asks the snail.

Punchline................. you forgot a punchline...

Punchline................. you forgot a punchline...

That is the punchline...the point is that it has taken the snail three months to get back to the pub!

If you have to explain it...

I don't get it

If you have to explain it...

Exactly! It is better after a few pints though.

I know a snail joke... I looked out of my window the other day and saw a snail on the patio. I rushed outside but it escaped.

Man goes into a pet shop.

"I'd like a wasp please."

"Sorry mate, we don't sell wasps."

"That's odd," says the man, "you had one in the window yesterday."

Wot's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo,?

Ones a big heavy lump,

and the other is a little lighter,

Wot's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo,?

Ones a big heavy lump,

and the other is a little lighter,

Lifted from the Edinburgh festival top ten.

My favourite from that list ;

"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for."

Women's magazines:

Page 43: 'You look beautiful just the way you are.'

Page 44: 'How to lose 15lbs in just 3 weeks'

Page 45: 'Try this amazing recipe for the ultimate cheesecake'

What is a kitten's favourite rock band?

Mews.

Is a Japanese portaloo a ChemiKhazi ?

Today I invented a candle that smells like a womans pussy.

I say 'invented', I actually found it in my wifes underwear draw.

I've just ordered Google Glasses for my dachshund.

They're a bit pricey, but think of the upskirts.

When I saw on the news that NASA was going to make an important announcement about life on Mars, I wondered whether it would concern sailors fighting in the dance hall.

What lies on the ocean bed and mutilates prostitutes?

Jack the Kipper

Teacher asks all the children what work their daddies do.

They all answer, but when she comes to Jimmy there is an awkward silence when he says "My dad works in a gay bar and sells his body for other men's pleasure"

Teacher quickly dismisses the class except Jimmy who she quietly takes to one side.

"Is that really true?" she asks.

"Well no" says Jimmy. "Actually he plays rugby for England but I was too embarrassed to say"

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Q. Which King had the most children?

A. Jonathan.

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

While walking down the street one day an MP is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.' 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.' 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'

Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ... Today, you voted."

A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat

anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the

corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

I'm not saying my new girlfriend is a slut.

But the first time I saw her use a soap dispenser, she groaned, rubbed it on her tits, and passed me a cigarette.

A boy takes his pet newt to school. "He is nice" says the teacher,"what's his name?"3

"Tiny," says the boy.

"Why Tiny?" Asks the teacher

"Because he's my newt!"

THIS WILL MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY.....

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, can you please please please make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog......pleeeaaassseee

Because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney Land.