I'm a dirty bear!

[Deano6]

It's a start Bearsy, and I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but that's such a naive equation. Even if you do manage to build in the relative 'hotness' of the participants, it's still nowhere near accurately describing the Sexual Achievement


It's not just about counting the males and females - penetrated or otherwise. There are so many other variables you need to consider to compute Sexual Achievement.

I'll start you off with some of the variables. But as maths isn't my thing, I'll leave it to you to add it to your existing equation.

( (MRDROOPY - VIAGRA) x (1 + (2.37 x ITSRAPE) ) / ( 1 + POPPERS ) / ( 1 + KY ) ) * ORGASMOROSCAR

MRDROOPY = Flaccidity percentage - The amount of time (as a percentage) of the entire sexual encounter when then penis is sans-sang. 0% MRDROOPY is desirable.

VIAGRA = Blue Wood index - The amount of time (as a percentage) over the encounter when penis engorgement was was reliant on the blue pill. If you've 'got wood' solely due to the effects of the blue pill, then this should lower the SA.

ITSRAPE = Rohypnol index - The amount in milligrams of Rohypnol required to get any of the participants 'in the mood'

POPPERS = Amyl Nitrite index - The number of different nitrites inhaled to relax front or back sphincters. Any inhalant used should reduce SA

KY = Lubricant index - The amount of lubricant in imperial gallons required to ensure friction does not result in fire. Natural lubrication should result in a higher SA.

ORGASMOROSCAR = Meg Ryan factor (also know as When Bearsy met Mayo) - The ratio of communicated enjoyment to the actual physiological climax. If during coitus, you wonder whether the love-recipient is in fact an award winning thespian, then this should reduce SA.

What was your score for the night with Tuna and Mayo? A word to the wise, if ITSRAPE is non-zero, keep the result to yourself.

I must say that in my capacity as snooker referee and therefore occupational practitioner of keeping score with numbers, you have got your scaling all wrong here...

1) MRDROOPY

You say this is %age of time when your member is 'at ease', and 0% is desirable. Well if you score 0% then according to your formula, you are either scoring 0 overall (since this 0 x rest of formula = 0) or negative if you were reliant on VIAGRA for a portion. You should of course have 1 - MRDROOPY where 100% is desirable.

Then the first term in parentheses reads (1 - MRDROOPY - VIAGRA), which says reduce the score by % of time EITHER flaccid OR hard only through the blue pill.


2) ITSRAPE

I can't help thinking you're incentivising the wrong thing here. I have 4 issues, for which I will descend into Roman Numerals to prevent confusion with my current numbering system:

i. ITSRAPE is number of milligrams of rohypnol required to get participants in the mood. This figure is multiplied by 2.37 (an otherwise reasonable factor) and added to 1 to get the multiplicative factor contributing to the score. This implies that the more rohypnol the person requires, the higher the sexual prowess. However if you manage to get your victim to comply with your dirty requests with no medicinal assistance then you are not given any reward in the score, yet if you have no game and rely on them being out for the count before sticking your willy in untoward places you receive a high score. Again it is arse about tit.

ii. It is not well laid out how such a figure should be calculated across the participants. Should it be the minimum required to bring a participant into the set, the maximum administered or an average. Should you be considered in any count or average? We cannot afford to be lax here.

iii. The score requires that an ITSRAPE figure be calculated, ie that it be determined how much rohypnol would need to be administered to get a participant in the mood. Therefore once a determination has been made that a score will need to be calculated, it is then required that the unwholesome practise continue until its natural end. Thus if one of the participants decides she doesn't want to be part of it, in order for the formula to stand, she must continue taking the sweet elixir until she is unable to turn down the advances so that we know what her limit is. Isn't that a bit, I dunno, rapey? Just sayin'.

iv. Really, when you boil it down, this scoring encourages you to ensure your conquest can handle a lot of rohypnol. For this you are looking to the fatties and the perennially abused. Neither of which you should receive a high score for, as they will be more easily coerced into the act anyway, for very different reasons.


3) POPPERS

Yet again I believe you have got the scaling horribly wrong. You are dividing the score by 1 + number of nitrates inhaled. Now surely if such solvents are required then this is because either the orifices are too tight and need loosening, or because the wielding stick is too girthy. Both of these are marks of good sexual prowess and should be rewarded in the score, not penalised. Plus I'm gay and love taking them.


4) KY

I could argue here from the same premise as POPPERS, but I'll let this one stand as it is the job of the male of the pack to get the vag and back passage nice and juicy. I would recommend introducing a dampening factor here though as we don't want to put off eager young bucks from adequately lubing up before entering, and also because it's a good pun.


5) ORGASMOROSCAR

Here again we have a factor that is well considered but let down in the implementation. Whilst even the most die-hard amongst us would surely agree that participants should truly come like Old Faithful, you have your percentage downside up. You define the term as "The ratio of communicated enjoyment to the actual physiological climax". Thus lots of noise but no climax gives a very high, possibly infinite (if zero climax) score. If the reciprocal was introduced then indeed zero climax divided by plenty of canned adulation renders the score zero. The only problem is that the formula becomes corrupt if there is neither climax nor sound, but then that's probably a fair reflection of the evening's proceedings.

The only other comment is that if there is high climax coupled with high noise, this gets normalised back to one, not recognising that it is in fact the sexual prowess holy grail. Therefore the term would be better served as "ratio of actual physiological climax to the square root of communicated enjoyment". Think about it.



Therefore I propose the Deano6 modified-Bletch calculation as:

( (1 - MRDROOPY - VIAGRA) x (1 - (2.37 x ITSRAPE) ) * ( 1 + POPPERS ) / ( 1 + DAMP * KY ) ) * ( SQRT(COME) / ORGASMOROSCAR )

where COME = Communicated Enjoyment
and DAMP = Dampening factor (to be determined)

[saintbletch]

I must say that in my capacity as snooker referee and therefore occupational practitioner of keeping score with numbers, you have got your scaling all wrong here...

1) MRDROOPY

You say this is %age of time when your member is 'at ease', and 0% is desirable. Well if you score 0% then according to your formula, you are either scoring 0 overall (since this 0 x rest of formula = 0) or negative if you were reliant on VIAGRA for a portion. You should of course have 1 - MRDROOPY where 100% is desirable.

Then the first term in parentheses reads (1 - MRDROOPY - VIAGRA), which says reduce the score by % of time EITHER flaccid OR hard only through the blue pill.

2) ITSRAPE

I can't help thinking you're incentivising the wrong thing here. I have 4 issues, for which I will descend into Roman Numerals to prevent confusion with my current numbering system:

i. ITSRAPE is number of milligrams of rohypnol required to get participants in the mood. This figure is multiplied by 2.37 (an otherwise reasonable factor) and added to 1 to get the multiplicative factor contributing to the score. This implies that the more rohypnol the person requires, the higher the sexual prowess. However if you manage to get your victim to comply with your dirty requests with no medicinal assistance then you are not given any reward in the score, yet if you have no game and rely on them being out for the count before sticking your willy in untoward places you receive a high score. Again it is arse about tit.

ii. It is not well laid out how such a figure should be calculated across the participants. Should it be the minimum required to bring a participant into the set, the maximum administered or an average. Should you be considered in any count or average? We cannot afford to be lax here.

iii. The score requires that an ITSRAPE figure be calculated, ie that it be determined how much rohypnol would need to be administered to get a participant in the mood. Therefore once a determination has been made that a score will need to be calculated, it is then required that the unwholesome practise continue until its natural end. Thus if one of the participants decides she doesn't want to be part of it, in order for the formula to stand, she must continue taking the sweet elixir until she is unable to turn down the advances so that we know what her limit is. Isn't that a bit, I dunno, rapey? Just sayin'.

iv. Really, when you boil it down, this scoring encourages you to ensure your conquest can handle a lot of rohypnol. For this you are looking to the fatties and the perennially abused. Neither of which you should receive a high score for, as they will be more easily coerced into the act anyway, for very different reasons.

3) POPPERS

Yet again I believe you have got the scaling horribly wrong. You are dividing the score by 1 + number of nitrates inhaled. Now surely if such solvents are required then this is because either the orifices are too tight and need loosening, or because the wielding stick is too girthy. Both of these are marks of good sexual prowess and should be rewarded in the score, not penalised. Plus I'm gay and love taking them.

4) KY

I could argue here from the same premise as POPPERS, but I'll let this one stand as it is the job of the male of the pack to get the vag and back passage nice and juicy. I would recommend introducing a dampening factor here though as we don't want to put off eager young bucks from adequately lubing up before entering, and also because it's a good pun. DAMP? It's like reading a script from a Carry On film. (Very good!)

5) ORGASMOROSCAR

Here again we have a factor that is well considered but let down in the implementation. Whilst even the most die-hard amongst us would surely agree that participants should truly come like Old Faithful, you have your percentage downside up. You define the term as "The ratio of communicated enjoyment to the actual physiological climax". Thus lots of noise but no climax gives a very high, possibly infinite (if zero climax) score. If the reciprocal was introduced then indeed zero climax divided by plenty of canned adulation renders the score zero. The only problem is that the formula becomes corrupt if there is neither climax nor sound, but then that's probably a fair reflection of the evening's proceedings.

The only other comment is that if there is high climax coupled with high noise, this gets normalised back to one, not recognising that it is in fact the sexual prowess holy grail. Therefore the term would be better served as "ratio of actual physiological climax to the square root of communicated enjoyment". Think about it.

Therefore I propose the Deano6 modified-Bletch calculation as:

( (1 - MRDROOPY - VIAGRA) x (1 - (2.37 x ITSRAPE) ) * ( 1 + POPPERS ) / ( 1 + DAMP * KY ) ) * ( SQRT(COME) / ORGASMOROSCAR )

where COME = Communicated Enjoyment
and DAMP = Dampening factor (to be determined)

Deano6, what can I say? I was starting to worry that people weren't taking this seriously. This wasn't just thrown together you know, a lot of thought went into it. It's good to get your thoughts but I do you have some comments.

I'm delighted to see that you didn't modify the 2.37 ITSRAPE scaling factor - you'd have lost all credibility if you had and probably, well almost certainly, wouldn't have been able to walk around the green baize with your begloved hands slung arrogantly behind your back ever again. But to damage the impact of ORGASMOROSCAR just to get some sort of vowel-removed cheap joke in the shape of SQRT(COME), is a little disappointing (if not a little humorous).

2.37 actually comes from personal experience with rohypnol. I can't go into details except to say that it stems from a trip to a Surrey hospital following a badly broken left wrist in a football tournament, a German-Greek doctor and the mother of all Chinese burns. All I know is that I 'came round' with my hand pointing the proper way and my underwear inside-out. It was always going to be 2.37 after that, as I'm sure you'll agree.

Anyway, to the Deano6-Bletch-Bearsy SA Index, and your clarifications. As I mentioned in my now seminal (no, you think about it!) post above, maths is not my thing. I see myself more as the visionary that gives all you maths-types the tools to build these nauseatingly interminable equations. You know the phase "standing on the shoulders of giants"? Well you've got a better view this morning because of me. If you look down, that's me below you and Bearsy's there at the bottom, looking like Deppo and waving up at us both like a small child. You are the water-carrying Didier Deschamps to my Cantona-like creative genius just as I'm the Carlton Palmer to Bearsy's original Le Tissier insight. But I do acknowledge that the world needs mathematical pedants and if the equation is broken, it must be fixed. Thanks for your input.

1) MRDROOPY - yep, you've nailed me (no, you think about it) there. Bang to rights. I did actually realise the potential zero result soon after I'd committed it to the ones and zeroes you've commented on. But I thought that if I'd edited my post it would have made me look a little anal (no, you think about it).

2.i) ITSRAPE (overall) - again, you've found another minor error in the work of art. When you walk around an art gallery Deano6 do you check for dust whilst blind to the genius in front of your eyes?

2.ii) ITSRAPE (ignores individual participants) - I agree that it is important to know which participants imbibed the roofie and in what quantity. But if you re-read my post; I think you'll notice that I invited Bearsy to take my work and build on the stem cells of genius to work them into his formula. It is his afterall his formula where he identifies the number, gender and penetratedness of the participants. I can't be expected to do it all Deano6. This is simply too big a task for one man.

2.iii) ITSRAPE (it's rape) - yes.

2.iv) ITSRAPE (encouraging the use of rohypnol) - agreed, but your (1 - ITSRAPE) modifier changes this so that SA is greater when you're not reliant on rendering your, and I don't think it's too strong a term to use, victim unconscious. Rape is abhorrent as well we know.

(I like the Roman numeral though - nice touch).

3) POPPERS (sphincter tautness) - oh the naivety of those with an unhealthy interest in numbers (Have you seen A Beautiful Mind Deano6? You're not a secret agent!). Sphincter loosening is one effect but an increase in general sexual pleasure is another. Therefore if POPPERS is non-zero and ORGASMOROSCAR is skewed towards the genuine orgasm, then the impact of the POPPERS in improving the intensity of that genuine orgasm needs to be considered - hence my desire to have POPPERS reduce SA. Your gayness is not germane here.

4) KY - Agreed.

5) ORGASMOROSCAR (ratio reversed) - Oh life must be one big happy party chez Deano6. When you watch the football and someone says "That goal was unbelievable", do you get out a notepad and explain the physics and compute parabolas (I'm not even licensed to use that term)? Re the ratio - you could well be right though.

Thanks for checking my sums Deano6

Finally, can I also point out that despite my invitation Deppo, sorry Bearsy did not score his evening with Tuna and Mayo. Perhaps it was the minor flaws identified above that stopped him or perhaps ITSRAPE was non-zero.

Now we've had someone with A-level Pedantry and GCSE Maths look at the formula, how about it Bearsy?

It's a shame that we now have to highlight puns in our posts by telling people to 'think about it'. Imagine if at the end of the Shadow Line; Tinker, Tailor Soldier, Spy or Twin Peaks the director came on the screen (no, you think about it) to explain the details of the plot.

[tpbury]

bletch, deano, deppo - you are comic geniuses and I have not read a funnier thread, should go viral if it gets on all that twitter thing. We can see the amount of time spent in crafting these posts, I bow down to you!!! I am really lol, but not rofl on account of having the computer on knee. You've got a groove going here,, like Madonna said in the Andrex advert

[Bearsy]

So I've been pestering 6 or 7 girls on facebooks, nothing to bad just like exchanging phone numbers and a little sex chat or whatever. I mean that's normal right, that's the point of Facebooks innit? Anyways someone has hacked in and forwarded these incriminating messages to my actual girlfriend. I can see they've done it cos they're in my sent items or whatever. I don't think my birds seen them yet though its only a matter of time, she don't go on there a lot which is one of the things I like bout her cos there's a lot of dirty dogs on Facebooks!

What can I do with this situations? If I delete my Facebooks will the messages disappear???

[buctootim]

So I've been pestering 6 or 7 girls on facebooks, nothing to bad just like exchanging phone numbers and a little sex chat or whatever. I mean that's normal right, that's the point of Facebooks innit? Anyways someone has hacked in and forwarded these incriminating messages to my actual girlfriend. I can see they've done it cos they're in my sent items or whatever. I don't think my birds seen them yet though its only a matter of time, she don't go on there a lot which is one of the things I like bout her cos there's a lot of dirty dogs on Facebooks!

What can I do with this situations? If I delete my Facebooks will the messages disappear???

Delete your girfriend and spend the extra time perving up the net. You wont have to go shopping in poundland, or go out at all.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I think it might do bear. I once had a mate who was always up for going out for drinks at the weekend, messing round with biitches etc. Then suddenly his bird got preggers and he deleted his facebook. Everything disappeared, it was like he never existed. He never came out any more and to tell you the truth I haven't seen him since. The only problem is, if someone has already made a copy or screen shot of the page. If this has happened then you are fukked.

If you do go on Jeremy Kyle to sort this out and you are up for a lie detector test. Can you get me tickets for the audience? I can shout stuff out when your biitch is talking to make her lose her stride or whatever. Plus I would love to tell Jeremy to fukk off and get a proper haircut.

[Bearsy]

Word bro, Ive deleted my Facebooks hopefully it'll be like Bearsy never existed! If anyone asks, you ain't seen me

[Bearsy]

Lols... If I had a Facebook anymore I'd be updating my status to Single!!!!

Plus, my ear hurts. Birds don't half know how to screech when they want to. I wonder if they learn it at school or if it's just natural. I'm like hey baby i dunno what you're on about someone must be playing a joke or something, them messages was from like ages ago baby before i met you... but she ain't buying that and she was like all "WARGH! WARGH! WARGH! WE'RE SO OVER YOU **** EVERYONE WARNED ME BOUT YOU!"

I spose this is what it feels like to be Ashley Coles. Except without the moneys.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Probably for the best anyway. Every time you tongued her from now on, you'd be thinking about that only bint from the £1 shop.

[Bearsy]

Yeah I ain't worried. She'll be back, b!tches love it when you **** them over. I'm now investigating what bastard is cracking my Facebook password (which to be fair was the name of my dog so we may not be talking FBI code-breakers here) and going round sabotaging my bonings!

I think it's more of a girl thing to do, if anything. Dudes don't do stuff like that. Probably some dumb b!tch I ****ed over previously....

[Tokyo-Saint]

Funny that ***** (b!tch) is banned but slag is not. What does that tell you about the higher echelons of saints web tower?

[Bearsy]

They like slags clearly. They want to encourage slags, slappers, whores, prostitutes, skanks and other birds what are slack. Probably the dumb mods call them into St.Mary's and are like hey baby you can pay £5 to join our forum, or we can work out some kind of other arrangement.... I can picture it clearly. stevegrant leaning over her, his hot breath tickling her neck, baj touching himself in the corner.

What the don't want is high-maintenance b!tches, or any kind of respectable girl what would turn them down or call the cops or whatever. They're desparate, but they're not stupids.

[Tokyo-Saint]

What they don't like is ****s, ****ers who **** up the arse, ****ers that **** up the pussy, knobs, dicks or big dicks, stupid dicks or clever dicks, bastards of any kind and people named dune.

Edit - my mistake. Turns out they do like arse, pussy, knobs, dicks and bastards.

[saintbletch]

Yeah, sorry about that bear. What can I say? I was bored.

Who calls their dog "graham" anyway?

[tpbury]

Bletch, a word in your shell-like. I know you know I have the ultimate respect for you as a wordsmith, a detached libertarian, a genius even. Thing is, your post frequency has increased in direct proportion to Tokyo/Bear/Deppo's postings. I think you're being led into a trap. You're subconsciously trying to seek their approbation, yet you think that you're their boss. A few months ago you would drop an apposite comment occasionally, now you're whoring yourself all over the place. Why? Because they're sucking you in, that's why!! Beware Bletch!

[Bearsy]

Bletch is being slowly corrupted by the drip-drip of muppet show nonsenses. It's like when Einstein was knobbing Marilyn Monroe - alright he was satisfying his baser instincts or whatever but he weren't sending no monkeys into space so they could knob their grandmothers.

[Tokyo-Saint]

What is it with registered users give us sh!t bear, what's the deal? Some fanny in America was ripping you on the main board earlier for using 'like' someone else had a go at me for saying I don't like the sun newspaper, there is the famous SB, now this. What's the dillio Tpbury? Pay yer fiver and stop the hating. Bletchy is ours now, no going back.

[Bearsy]

Some fanny in America was ripping you on the main board earlier for using 'like'

WHAT! What thread was that I'm gonna like rip that yank like a new bumhole or whatever!

I've got my saintsweb default set to ignore all registered users. They're scum far as I'm concerned!

[Tokyo-Saint]

What's a "no reason?" You know, the thing that you're like.

http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/showthrea...Build-Up/page3

Trying to change the way you speaks, Liberties!

Bit disappointed Bletch hasn't joined in the Russian roulette game. I expected him to put some long latin looking word that meant fannyspunk but nothing so far.

[Tokyo-Saint]

In other news - SWF likes fannyspunk!

[notnowcato]

Bletch is being slowly corrupted by the drip-drip of muppet show nonsenses. It's like when Einstein was knobbing Marilyn Monroe - alright he was satisfying his baser instincts or whatever but he weren't sending no monkeys into space so they could knob their grandmothers.

I'm confused. Is Bletch Marilyn Monroe?

*****.

[notnowcato]

I'm confused. Is Bletch Marilyn Monroe?

*****.

Seems the Mods draw the line at F3LCHING. shame.

[Lets B Avenue]

I'm confused. Is Bletch Marilyn Monroe?

*****.

and is Bearsy his grandmother?

Spunkswallower.

[Bearsy]

http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/showthrea...Build-Up/page3

Trying to change the way you speaks, Liberties!

Bit disappointed Bletch hasn't joined in the Russian roulette game. I expected him to put some long latin looking word that meant fannyspunk but nothing so far.

Oh yeah that toe-punt is right mugging me off! I reckon i don't need to wade in though i've got bros on there setting the fool right (thanks bros!). Did you see what this Golac character is saying? He called me "insightful" and "subtle".

Lols!

[Bearsy]

I'm confused. Is Bletch Marilyn Monroe?

*****.

Bletch is Einstein. I'm Marilyn Monroe. Tokyos is the monkey we're sending into space to knob his grandmother.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I think its called grooming bear. Next he will be showing you porn mags and buying you vodka and saying "all the kids are doing it".

Credit to you LBA for still playing after yesterday's first attempt failure. Like they say, it's not how you lose but how you bounce back that's important. Spunkswallower is a fine attempt. Bear will be finding out a bit more about that once Golac has given him the vodka.

[Bearsy]

We used to hang around with this retard when I was a kid. He was a fair bit older, probably bout 22 or something. One time we went down by the rail tracks and he got his knob out and was like "You touch, you feel.... you quite like".

I was like nah you're alright mate and scarpered but my mate stayed behind. He reckons he never touched it either.

[Bearsy]

It's subtle and insightful posts like that what make my Saintsweb contributions so valuables!

[Tokyo-Saint]

It's what I pay my fiver for!

[Tokyo-Saint]

We used to hang around with this retard when I was a kid. He was a fair bit older, probably bout 22 or something. One time we went down by the rail tracks and he got his knob out and was like "You touch, you feel.... you quite like".

I was like nah you're alright mate and scarpered but my mate stayed behind. He reckons he never touched it either.

Was he a foreign student bear?

[Bearsy]

Dude he weren't any sort of student. He was retard!

I find it interesting dat F elching is apparently on swearfilters, I wonder how dat came bout. I don't even know what it means, i can only assume it was something what happened to baj in childhood or something.

The list as I see it is:

F U C K .....(please use screw instead)
N I G G E R .....(please use coon instead)
B O L L O C K S .....(please use nuts or balls instead)
C U N T .....(please use toe_punt instead)
S H I T .....(please use turd instead)
F E L C H .....(I don't even wanna know)
W A N K .....(yes please)

I feel like I'm missing some tho!

[saintbletch]

Bletch, a word in your shell-like. I know you know I have the ultimate respect for you as a wordsmith, a detached libertarian, a genius even. Thing is, your post frequency has increased in direct proportion to Tokyo/Bear/Deppo's postings. I think you're being led into a trap. You're subconsciously trying to seek their approbation, yet you think that you're their boss. A few months ago you would drop an apposite comment occasionally, now you're whoring yourself all over the place. Why? Because they're sucking you in, that's why!! Beware Bletch!

Thank you tpbury for your concern and the wholesome praise - detached libertarian - I like that. And personally I don't think your use of the term 'genius' goes quite far enough - but it'll do for the time being.

But this isn't about me. This issue is bigger than me. It's bigger than you. It's bigger than all of us and whilst I'm not given to hyperbole, we are talking about the very future of The Muppet Show here.

With the government relaxing planning laws, and with this site's current owners being only interested in curry evenings and fivers, unless we each take some sort of positive action now, The Muppet Show will likely be concreted over and turned into overflow parking for busy match day threads.

I feel the weight of history on my shoulders and the needs of generations to come in my gut. I've been passed a baton tpbury, a pink baton - admittedly covered in Bearsy's KY Jelly and ribbed for pleasure, but it's now my job to get that baton round the track until someone takes it off me or trips and falls in a comic way such that the baton enters and disappears up their anal cavity.

That baton is an obligation. An obligation to keep this place going. And despite your concerns over my posting frequency - I'm not dropping that baton tpbury.

Do you think I don't realise that I'm out of place here? I feel like an Edwardian schoolmaster sent from the past to keep an eye on Bearsy and Tokyo-Saint. As I alluded to the other day, the Muppet Show shouldn't be a place for faux-intellectuals like me. I should be petrified to be here with my pedantry and pompousness. I should come in here and instantly get myself ripped a new one - whether I particularly wanted a new one or not - ripped or otherwise.

And by the way, don't worry about Bearsy and Tokyo-Saint, I've met up with them. They're not edgy youths sporting tattoos and trousers that don't quite stay around their waists but instead cling to they public bones and buttocks. Far from it. Tokyo-Saint is 58 and drives a milk float - to work where he is employed as a gynaecologist. Bearsy is 67 and is a retired communication consultant specialising in the sensitive handling of issues surrounding female emotions.

We've all agreed to keep The Muppet Show going until we can find some younger posters who are keen to rip people new ones.

So thanks for your concern tpbury, but instead please join the fight.

Do you know that irreverent football forums are dying at a rate of 1 per week (probably). With your help we can keep this one alive.

All it would take is for everyone to commit to making 3 posts a day in The Muppet Show.

[Tokyo-Saint]

What you banging on about bletch? Just play the roulette game for screws sake!

It is like you got flattered by TP saying you worked in a library or something and then felt that you needed to write a book.

Look, I'll start you off. Things with spunk_ seem to be fine, as does nuts balls and tits. I don't want to make it to easy for you but if you combine spunk with tits, you might actually make a word and even enjoy it (as many of us do).

[Bearsy]

*****

[Bearsy]

Ooooh I found another one! You'll never guess what dat was! I don't think it's a rude word really at all!

[Tokyo-Saint]

Was it boobs? (b oobs)

Edit - Obviously not!

cocks?

Edit - again no

Ok bear, I give up, what was it?

[Bearsy]

Yeah sorry to be a tease or whatever, it was actually P R I C K

Mad innit! How is that worse than Cock?

[Tokyo-Saint]

You're a *****tease bear! (that's what the retard said anyway).

I don't know about p!ck and cock and how they judge one is ok and one is not. I guess they all say down over a curry and had to brainstorm all the words they didn't like and didn't want on their forum. Baj was like "I am not having f3lching or Fuking, not after last time" Steve then went "I want spunk and tits to stay, everyone likes them" they all agreed bum and dicks should stay but Pr!ck should not.

[Bearsy]

I just learnt something interesting on the main board(!)

'parently a single bollock is perfectly acceptable, it's only when you've got a pair they become offensive.

1 bollock 2 ********

[Tokyo-Saint]

That is evidence that the mods are in fact run by Hitler and he truly does have 1 ball like the song says!

We've cracked another case Bear!

[Bearsy]

Oh yeah tokyos just by the way if you wanted to tell me to *something* off but you know you can't say f u c k cos of swearfilters, what would you say?

nextonetotripswearfilterisgay

[Tokyo-Saint]

Buzz?

[Lets B Avenue]

I just learnt something interesting on the main board(!)

'parently a single bollock is perfectly acceptable, it's only when you've got a pair they become offensive.

1 bollock 2 ********

What about more than 2? Im (too) scared to try.

[Bearsy]

Buzz?

dammit! you is too sly for me!

[Tokyo-Saint]

What about more than 2? Im (too) scared to try.

You mean the plural plural of Bollock? That's (I'm sure bletch will back me up on this) Bollocki as in Lexi for the car.

[Bearsy]

This thread is bump cos phillipines is gonna regail us all with hot story bout the actual 3some he had this year! Kleenex at ready homes!

[PhilippineSaint]

You are a very dirty bear Is it true the first Forum you came across was the one Papa bear used to keep under his bed?

[PhilippineSaint]

To the story at hand or not as it turned out.

It all begins with an Emirates flight to Dubai with an upgrade to Business (ala DP) where the Vodka and Tonic, wine, and Port are free flowing for 9 hours. Hot little Hosties at you beck and call ready to do anything apart from join the mile high club.

On arrival in Dubai entry to the Business Lounge where even more free alcohol is on tap whilst waiting for the next flight to Luanda. Which is another 7and Half hours of being waited upon hand and foot by cute little Asians and Africans (as were now on that leg). Obviously with the amount of alcohol consumed inhibitions are root squared so no compulsion about asking any of the tasty tarts back to the hotel on arrival in Luanda.

Here is where it falls apart as the Emirates girls are all staying in a different part of town.

As per normal lone business man into the hotel bar for an early evening livener before jet lag and alcohol kick in for 6 hours kip.

Sat in the lounge on my tod with Super Bock beer the Maitre de asks would I like some company and promptly from the bar brings out menu No 2 which as it happens had no food in it apart from some extremely raw beef and like the menus in Portuguese holiday areas menu is all in pictures and some pretty tasty items on offer.

Glancing through the menu and after advice from the waiter decide to order a main meal and dessert at the same time as a discount will entail. The Waiter then retires with my order.

20 minutes later after another aperitif The main meal arrives along with her friend who will become dessert. another round of drinks is ordered before we decide it would better to have room service. Where we could all be rather more comfortable in air conditioned bedroom than the heat being generated in the bar.

A very nice meal was had by all and it appears we all finished at the same time allowing me to get a few hours kip before the arduous trek to work in the morning.

[ZepSaint]

A very nice meal was had by all and it appears we all finished at the same time allowing me to get a few hours kip before the arduous trek to work in the morning.

Thing is, did you have to take any Rennies or other indigestion remedies ? :-)

[PhilippineSaint]

Thing is, did you have to take any Rennies or other indigestion remedies ? :-)

Standard operating procedure for West Africa is clad it in a thin layer of rubber before inserting anything into anything then a month of antibiotics offshore before you go home and not a sign of a drippy cock anywhere