The Finsbury Park Diet – Not for faint hearted -- Thanks Arsenal

The Finsbury Park Diet – Not for faint hearted –but a 100% guaranteed weight loss plan. Its now day 9 and I’ve lost 7 ½ pounds.

Preperation. None required, eat and drink as normal up until about 4pm on day one.

Travel to London, get caught in M25/M4 traffic, Drink 1 small bottle of Stella on the tube, arrive 22mins after kick off for Saints away at Arsenal without eating, watch and enjoy beating Arsenal and leave the ground happy and hungry.

Avoid the usual dodgy burger vans and go to the ‘Chuckup Express’ opposite Finsbury Park Tube (I guess the secret’s in the name) and ask for meal No 1, I don’t think you need to ask for it cooked ‘Rare’ as I guess they do this as a matter of course, either way mine tasted great and I enjoyed it.

Now comes the tricky part, cross London on the tube to Ruislip, and proceed directly home, don’t mess about because you have about 2 hours max before the chemical process that has already started reaches critical.

Send a text to work while you still have the strength, you won’t be going in the next day, trust me on this one.

The next 9 hours involve a complete liquid evacuation of the system and no sleep, followed by 8 hours trying to sleep while bent double.

After approx 20 hours from first contact you can just about manage to keep a cup of Tea and Slice of toast down/in and then slowly things return to normal apart from the pulled stomach muscles and possible (undiagnosed) rectal acid burns which take 3 to 5 days to mend.

Ladies I take my hat off to you, I have never really had to seriously Diet, but if this is what it takes then I can see why you need support groups like Slimmer’s World.

Very good teedee38, there's got to be a lesson in there about the danger of travelling to away games....

...If you get ring sting by going away to Arsenal, then should we get into Europe don't go to see us play Fotballaget Fart of Norway, and whatever you do don't go to see Young Boys in Berne.

Hilarious words in football team names here.

I grew up in Ruislip.

That's all I have to add to this.

I grew up in Ruislip.

 

That's all I have to add to this.

First ****?

First ****?

What?? you can't have sh @g??

I'd go through that to lose 7.5 stone. Better than having to eat healthy food.

As Saintsweb's very own London Underground representative, I'd like to remind people that alcohol is banned on the Tube, and Teedee is a naughty boy that deserves a smacked bottom.

Although being as he is, I think it's punishment enough. (And quite frankly I couldn't give 2 ****s!)

First ****?

Doncaster, lol.

Belle?

Doncaster, lol.

Lol? Was that short for Lionel, KRG?

Lol? Was that short for Lionel, KRG?

I have it on good authority that KRG is very good friends with a former member of the popular beat combo 10cc, so it most certainly would be. This is the second time in two posts that I have used the phrase "popular beat combo". I feel this deserves some kind of recognition, or maybe just derision.

I have it on good authority that KRG is very good friends with a former member of the popular beat combo 10cc, so it most certainly would be. This is the second time in two posts that I have used the phrase "popular beat combo". I feel this deserves some kind of recognition, or maybe just derision.

This town ain't big enough for the both of us, Wolfy LD.

By the way, I will put you forward for an award for using the phrase "popular beat combo" if you manage to fit it in to 5 consecutive threads. Anything less isn't really worthy of muppetry.

Reach 5 and I'll make sure that you get a lifetime acheivement award in the 2014 TMS Awards.

I have it on good authority that KRG is very good friends with a former member of the popular beat combo 10cc, so it most certainly would be. This is the second time in two posts that I have used the phrase "popular beat combo". I feel this deserves some kind of recognition, or maybe just derision.

Do you know what Fowllyd, it’s spooky that you’re so keen on the phrase ‘popular beat combo’ today, because on Fridays I visit Wetherspoons and eat one of their chicken and spare-rib meals. I believe it’s true to say that this is their most ‘popular meat combo’ I think we could be on to a new word game – Bletch will be pleased.

Oh, and just to keep on topic, I’m pleased to report that I’ve never had food poisoning from ‘Spoons.

Do you know what Fowllyd, it’s spooky that you’re so keen on the phrase ‘popular beat combo’ today, because on Fridays I visit Wetherspoons and eat one of their chicken and spare-rib meals. I believe it’s true to say that this is their most ‘popular meat combo’ I think we could be on to a new word game – Bletch will be pleased.

 

Oh, and just to keep on topic, I’m pleased to report that I’ve never had food poisoning from ‘Spoons.

Nor I. That's because I never go near the places.

Nor I. That's because I never go near the places.

Then you don't know what you're missing Whitey! Ale at £1.99 a pint for starters

Do you know what Fowllyd, it’s spooky that you’re so keen on the phrase ‘popular beat combo’ today, because on Fridays I visit Wetherspoons and eat one of their chicken and spare-rib meals. I believe it’s true to say that this is their most ‘popular meat combo’ I think we could be on to a new word game – Bletch will be pleased.

 

Oh, and just to keep on topic, I’m pleased to report that I’ve never had food poisoning from ‘Spoons.

Tut, tut, tut.

Poor KRG is using this thread as a vehicle to announce an early sexual experiment with a man called Lionel from South Yorkshire, and you want to rub your meat in his face?

I like the word game Halo BTW, but not half as much as the apostrophe you've nestled before the Ess in Spoons. Are language is in good hands here.

Nor I. That's because I never go near the places.

Food snob.

'Spoons do a very reasonable and not completely plastic fried breakfast which I've been known to wolf down on a Sunday morning, and there is no more reasonably priced place to damage your liver either.

What and where do you eat then you fascist member of the bourgeoisie?*

I bet you go up market to a Beefeater and eat swan's neck sausage with peacock toes, all served off the back of peasants crawling on all fours.

*Sorry Whitey. I'm re-reading Orwell's "Down and out in Paris and London" at the moment, having just finished "The Grapes of Wrath". So I've come over a little socialist.

And I can tell you that the little socialist didn't like it one bit.

And no it wasn't pap.

**Go on, I dare you.

Tut, tut, tut.

 

Poor KRG is using this thread as a vehicle to announce an early sexual experiment with a man called Lionel from South Yorkshire, and you want to rub your meat in his face?

 

I like the word game Halo BTW, but not half as much as the apostrophe you've nestled before the Ess in Spoons. Are language is in good hands here.

 

 

 

Food snob.

 

'Spoons do a very reasonable and not completely plastic fried breakfast which I've been known to wolf down on a Sunday morning, and there is no more reasonably priced place to damage your liver either.

 

What and where do you eat then you fascist member of the bourgeoisie?*

 

I bet you go up market to a Beefeater and eat swan's neck sausage with peacock toes, all served off the back of peasants crawling on all fours.

 

*Sorry Whitey. I'm re-reading Orwell's "Down and out in Paris and London" at the moment, having just finished "The Grapes of Wrath". So I've come over a little socialist.

 

And I can tell you that the little socialist didn't like it one bit.

 

And no it wasn't pap.

 

**Go on, I dare you.

I wasn't trying to be snobbish, just stating a fact. We seldom eat out unless we are on holiday or travelling and never go to pubs or suchlike. I'm legally diabetic but at the moment am controlling it by eating sensibly and exercising whenever possible but after my heart problems of a couple of years ago I feel I ought to moderate my alcohol intake which is difficult when you've built up a wine cellar of over 200 bottles. I enjoy a celebratory bottle of beer at home whenever Saints win so that's a lot more often than it used to be but I don't overdo it and savour every sip. In recent times we have been taking holidays such as cruises or caravanning with the odd road trip to Scotland and Scandinavia which I'm trying to fit in before they take my licence away. Which is all a long-winded way of saying that the only time we eat out is in hotels or holiday places when we're abroad. We find that the problem with Britain is the time you spend waiting for them to bring your order, even when the restaurant is almost empty.

*No, I've never had swan but when I was up at Cambridge they used to serve it over at May Balls at St. John's College. My mate tried it and said it was nothing special but I think it was the presentation, they'd run out of menials to use as seving dishes. Or should that be 'servant dishes'?. At Christ's we had stuff like 'Croûte à l'italienne' and 'Jugged Hare', they put me off posh nosh for life. Yet no matter who we are we should patronise these eating establishments and hostelries as much as possible.

'It is the business of the wealthy man to give employment to the artisan.' Hilaire Belloc

**** this thread derailment, the family on my father's side come from South Ruislip, is that Ruislip enough or are there frictions between the two??

Tut, tut, tut.

 

Poor KRG is using this thread as a vehicle to announce an early sexual experiment with a man called Lionel from South Yorkshire, and you want to rub your meat in his face?

 

I like the word game Halo BTW, but not half as much as the apostrophe you've nestled before the Ess in Spoons. Are language is in good hands here.

I too would give maximum kudos to the halo boy's hallowed apostrophe; however, I cannot but feel that his excellent abbreviation would be improved no end by an article of the definite variety. Maybe it's just because I am very much of the "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that article thing" school of thought, but to me "the 'Spoons" would sound so much better. "The 'Bury's" sounds so much better than just "Bury's", I'm sure you'll agree.

Incidentally, the famous Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, star of many a popular beat combo and soi-disant 'singer', used to play the spoons in a jazz band in his local pub.

**** this thread derailment, the family on my father's side come from South Ruislip, is that Ruislip enough or are there frictions between the two??

I think there may be frictions because in last night’s Location Location Location Kirsty and Phil were looking for properties in Ruislip, but neither of them mentioned South Ruislip.

I too would give maximum kudos to the halo boy's hallowed apostrophe; however, I cannot but feel that his excellent abbreviation would be improved no end by an article of the definite variety. Maybe it's just because I am very much of the "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that article thing" school of thought, but to me "the 'Spoons" would sound so much better. "The 'Bury's" sounds so much better than just "Bury's", I'm sure you'll agree.

 

Incidentally, the famous Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, star of many a popular beat combo and soi-disant 'singer', used to play the spoons in a jazz band in his local pub.

Incidentally, the famous Eric Morecambe, who once played the spoons on TV, came from Morecambe and not Clacton-on-Sea, nor Clacton-on-the-Sea

**** this thread derailment, the family on my father's side come from South Ruislip, is that Ruislip enough or are there frictions between the two??

Well, 3B, Turkish is best placed to answer the questions about the Ruislip firms, so I'll leave that for him when he returns from Hong Kong. He's in the Mong Kok district at the moment being proper nawty.

I too would give maximum kudos to the halo boy's hallowed apostrophe; however, I cannot but feel that his excellent abbreviation would be improved no end by an article of the definite variety. Maybe it's just because I am very much of the "It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that article thing" school of thought, but to me "the 'Spoons" would sound so much better. "The 'Bury's" sounds so much better than just "Bury's", I'm sure you'll agree.

 

Incidentally, the famous Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, star of many a popular beat combo and soi-disant 'singer', used to play the spoons in a jazz band in his local pub.

3.

I wasn't trying to be snobbish, just stating a fact. We seldom eat out unless we are on holiday or travelling and never go to pubs or suchlike. I'm legally diabetic but at the moment am controlling it by eating sensibly and exercising whenever possible but after my heart problems of a couple of years ago I feel I ought to moderate my alcohol intake which is difficult when you've built up a wine cellar of over 200 bottles. I enjoy a celebratory bottle of beer at home whenever Saints win so that's a lot more often than it used to be but I don't overdo it and savour every sip. In recent times we have been taking holidays such as cruises or caravanning with the odd road trip to Scotland and Scandinavia which I'm trying to fit in before they take my licence away. Which is all a long-winded way of saying that the only time we eat out is in hotels or holiday places when we're abroad. We find that the problem with Britain is the time you spend waiting for them to bring your order, even when the restaurant is almost empty.

 

*No, I've never had swan but when I was up at Cambridge they used to serve it over at May Balls at St. John's College. My mate tried it and said it was nothing special but I think it was the presentation, they'd run out of menials to use as seving dishes. Or should that be 'servant dishes'?. At Christ's we had stuff like 'Croûte à l'italienne' and 'Jugged Hare', they put me off posh nosh for life. Yet no matter who we are we should patronise these eating establishments and hostelries as much as possible.

 

'It is the business of the wealthy man to give employment to the artisan.' Hilaire Belloc

Whitey, read the rules mate. This is TMS, so it's not only advisable to get into character here, it's compulsory. Making largely earnest replies when I've tried to take the ****, just makes me look bad. That won't do. I've got a 2014 TMS MVP award to win, and you're in my target demographic.

Swan used to be widely eaten in Gosport when I was growing up - judging by the number that went missing from the boating lake. BTW "serving swan's neck sausage" used to be euphemism down are way. Probably.

Talking of exotic food and soups in particular - when you've eaten at Chinese restaurants in the past, have you ever drunk the Cream of Sumyun Gye?*

*Please think carefully before responding.

It is the duty of the artisan to allow the wealthy man to believe that one's wealth comes from one's wealth. Great Uncle Hilaire Bletch

I think there may be frictions because in last night’s Location Location Location Kirsty and Phil were looking for properties in Ruislip, but neither of them mentioned South Ruislip.

It would take a brave man indeed to attempt to bridge the Ruislip/South Ruislip divide. Fortunately, sylvan Ruislip Manor and verdant Ruislip Gardens form a natural buffer zone. When I say 'sylvan', this should not be taken as a misspelt reference to David Sylvian, quondam lead singer of popular beat combo Japan.

I wasn't trying to be snobbish, just stating a fact. We seldom eat out unless we are on holiday or travelling and never go to pubs or suchlike. I'm legally diabetic but at the moment am controlling it by eating sensibly and exercising whenever possible but after my heart problems of a couple of years ago I feel I ought to moderate my alcohol intake which is difficult when you've built up a wine cellar of over 200 bottles. I enjoy a celebratory bottle of beer at home whenever Saints win so that's a lot more often than it used to be but I don't overdo it and savour every sip. In recent times we have been taking holidays such as cruises or caravanning with the odd road trip to Scotland and Scandinavia which I'm trying to fit in before they take my licence away. Which is all a long-winded way of saying that the only time we eat out is in hotels or holiday places when we're abroad. We find that the problem with Britain is the time you spend waiting for them to bring your order, even when the restaurant is almost empty.

 

*No, I've never had swan but when I was up at Cambridge they used to serve it over at May Balls at St. John's College. My mate tried it and said it was nothing special but I think it was the presentation, they'd run out of menials to use as seving dishes. Or should that be 'servant dishes'?. At Christ's we had stuff like 'Croûte à l'italienne' and 'Jugged Hare', they put me off posh nosh for life. Yet no matter who we are we should patronise these eating establishments and hostelries as much as possible.

 

'It is the business of the wealthy man to give employment to the artisan.' Hilaire Belloc

TMS awards ceremony at Whitey Grandad's house??

It would take a brave man indeed to attempt to bridge the Ruislip/South Ruislip divide. Fortunately, sylvan Ruislip Manor and verdant Ruislip Gardens form a natural buffer zone. When I say 'sylvan', this should not be taken as a misspelt reference to David Sylvian, quondam lead singer of popular beat combo Japan.

There's so much more to this Ruislip megalopolis than first appears. RAF Northolt to Breakspear Crematorium to Eastcote Station is about the range of my Ruislip meanderings.

I will wait for Turks to return from his Hong Kongish foray to edumecate me further...

Well, 3B, Turkish is best placed to answer the questions about the Ruislip firms, so I'll leave that for him when he returns from Hong Kong. He's in the Mong Kok district at the moment being proper nawty.

 

 

 

3.

 

 

 

Whitey, read the rules mate. This is TMS, so it's not only advisable to get into character here, it's compulsory. Making largely earnest replies when I've tried to take the ****, just makes me look bad. That won't do. I've got a 2014 TMS MVP award to win, and you're in my target demographic.

 

Swan used to be widely eaten in Gosport when I was growing up - judging by the number that went missing from the boating lake. BTW "serving swan's neck sausage" used to be euphemism down are way. Probably.

 

Talking of exotic food and soups in particular - when you've eaten at Chinese restaurants in the past, have you ever drunk the Cream of Sumyun Gye?*

 

*Please think carefully before responding.

 

It is the duty of the artisan to allow the wealthy man to believe that one's wealth comes from one's wealth. Great Uncle Hilaire Bletch

Tut tut 'bletch, trying to encourage us to become grammar Stasi!!

Tut tut 'bletch, trying to encourage us to become grammar Stasi!!

Yes, Bletch is a tease - and, what is more, a tease who likes strict discipline. I was chatting with Bletch's dominatrix the other day, and she informed me that he is most partial to a damn good leathering followed by a few hefty thwacks from a Gray & Nicholls, all administered to the throbbing rhythms of Jah Shaka's heavy, heavy dub sounds. He's not alone in this it seems; indeed, Madame la Thrash tells me that this is her most popular beat combo. At least I think that's what she said - I was hanging upside down at the time and the music was very loud.

Yes, Bletch is a tease - and, what is more, a tease who likes strict discipline. I was chatting with Bletch's dominatrix the other day, and she informed me that he is most partial to a damn good leathering followed by a few hefty thwacks from a Gray & Nicholls, all administered to the throbbing rhythms of Jah Shaka's heavy, heavy dub sounds. He's not alone in this it seems; indeed, Madame la Thrash tells me that this is her most popular beat combo. At least I think that's what she said - I was hanging upside down at the time and the music was very loud.

Well, at least you’ve got one of Bletch’s Life Time Achievement Awards heading your way Fowllyd – not bad for an afternoon’s work!

Tut tut 'bletch, trying to encourage us to become grammar Stasi!!

Wit and humour of the highest order and you feel compelled to bring a "mistake" to my attention?

I could point out 3B that I was posting in the Gosport vernacular at the time, but that would do you a disservice...

Score one to 3B.

BTW the reason that you never see me picking people up on their grammar or spelling (other than Toke - and that's mainly a paternal thing), is that I don't want to be called up on the countless mistakes I must make whilst dispensing my indispensable wisdom on here.

So be warned 3B, keep this up and I'll be posting more Australian bush poetry*.

*Bush poetry is not a euphemism.

You'd better check you're grammar and spellings three times before every post from now on 3B.

P.S. I liked your apostrophe lamenting the missing saint in saintbletch. Nice touch.

P.P.S What is the plural of Stasi? If Stasi is the singular, then perhaps you should have written "...encourage each of us to become grammar stasi" and even then I feel that there's an article missing. Unless you used Stasi in the sense of attaining the state of something Stasi-like, then that might work. Or if Stasi is the plural, then I think that you got away with that. I might have to get Owl Flyd's brother in for an adjudication. He's to grammar pedantry what Burpy T (or saintbletch) is to thread killing.

P.P.S Go on, I dare you.

Good luck with your future posts.

So, a few points:

1) I've never seen so much discussion about the small part of outer London that I grew up in outside of Ruislip. I'm ever so proud.

B) I have never met anyone in real life called Lionel.

£) In retrospect, it may well have been a Lionel. Not the proudest moment of my life tbh.

e) Who the fûck are 10cc?

F_ How on earth does Turkish know more about Ruislip than me?

K) Ruislip > South Ruislip

13) For seri, why ask Turkish - KRG has all the inside knowledge of Ruislip.

I should do a flipping AMA.

Wit and humour of the highest order and you feel compelled to bring a "mistake" to my attention?

 

I could point out 3B that I was posting in the Gosport vernacular at the time, but that would do you a disservice...

 

Score one to 3B.

 

BTW the reason that you never see me picking people up on their grammar or spelling (other than Toke - and that's mainly a paternal thing), is that I don't want to be called up on the countless mistakes I must make whilst dispensing my indispensable wisdom on here.

 

So be warned 3B, keep this up and I'll be posting more Australian bush poetry*.

 

*Bush poetry is not a euphemism.

 

You'd better check you're grammar and spellings three times before every post from now on 3B.

 

P.S. I liked your apostrophe lamenting the missing saint in saintbletch. Nice touch.

 

P.P.S What is the plural of Stasi? If Stasi is the singular, then perhaps you should have written "...encourage each of us to become grammar stasi" and even then I feel that there's an article missing. Unless you used Stasi in the sense of attaining the state of something Stasi-like, then that might work. Or if Stasi is the plural, then I think that you got away with that. I might have to get Owl Flyd's brother in for an adjudication. He's to grammar pedantry what Burpy T (or saintbletch) is to thread killing.

 

P.P.S Go on, I dare you.

 

Good luck with your future posts.

Sorry Mr Bletch sir, I will not post any more, promise...

I should do a flipping AMA.

If you can find one who'll let you, you should.

Note the lack of the phrase 'popular beat combo' in this post. I've served my time and the achievement award is mine.

Yes, Bletch is a tease - and, what is more, a tease who likes strict discipline. I was chatting with Bletch's dominatrix the other day, and she informed me that he is most partial to a damn good leathering followed by a few hefty thwacks from a Gray & Nicholls, all administered to the throbbing rhythms of Jah Shaka's heavy, heavy dub sounds. He's not alone in this it seems; indeed, Madame la Thrash tells me that this is her most popular beat combo. At least I think that's what she said - I was hanging upside down at the time and the music was very loud.

4.

phlegm

It would take a brave man indeed to attempt to bridge the Ruislip/South Ruislip divide. Fortunately, sylvan Ruislip Manor and verdant Ruislip Gardens form a natural buffer zone. When I say 'sylvan', this should not be taken as a misspelt reference to David Sylvian, quondam lead singer of popular beat combo Japan.

5.

Sorry Low Flyd, I missed this one.

But in the spirit of Catch-22, you've now got to fly 10 more missions...No, OK. I think you deserve your lifetime achievement award. Well done. Muppetry of the highest order.

Special bonus points for mentioning David Sylvian and Japan.

Do you know that it's possible that I might have had a slightly confused man crush on him back in the day. It's either that or I just thought that I looked great wearing leg warmers, with my foppish fringe dyed burgundy* (real hair BTW, not nylon).

*Note that here I am pronouncing burgundy with the EM-phasis on the wrong SY-llable. i.e. burr GUNDY.

Isn't it great now that the word-bores have taken over the asylum?

Perhaps we can play the "hidden Japan song name game". Anything for a quiet life?

BTW did you know that The Bear has spent large portions of his life in Tokyo?

5.

 

Sorry Low Flyd, I missed this one.

 

But in the spirit of Catch-22, you've now got to fly 10 more missions...No, OK. I think you deserve your lifetime achievement award. Well done. Muppetry of the highest order.

 

Special bonus points for mentioning David Sylvian and Japan.

 

Do you know that it's possible that I might have had a slightly confused man crush on him back in the day. It's either that or I just thought that I looked great wearing leg warmers, with my foppish fringe dyed burgundy* (real hair BTW, not nylon).

 

*Note that here I am pronouncing burgundy with the EM-phasis on the wrong SY-llable. i.e. burr GUNDY.

 

Isn't it great now that the word-bores have taken over the asylum?

 

Perhaps we can play the "hidden Japan song name game". Anything for a quiet life?

 

BTW did you know that The Bear has spent large portions of his life in Tokyo?

Bletch, Bletch, Bletch, can you truly be so insouciant of the buttons you press? How did you know the effect on me of a man who says Bur-GUN-dy? And who dyes his fringe that colour too. It's taken me this long even to be able to type.

Regarding The Bear, I had indeed heard this. He said to me recently that no matter where he might be in the world, he feels that a small part of him is always in Tokyo. A very small part, mind.

Bletch, Bletch, Bletch, can you truly be so insouciant of the buttons you press? How did you know the effect on me of a man who says Bur-GUN-dy? And who dyes his fringe that colour too. It's taken me this long even to be able to type.

 

Regarding The Bear, I had indeed heard this. He said to me recently that no matter where he might be in the world, he feels that a small part of him is always in Tokyo. A very small part, mind.

OK Wolfy D, I've looked at this for hours, but I can't find a Japan song hidden in there. Please point it out, or hand back your lifetime achievement award to Halo at the door on your way out.

I feel I must also correct the temporal error, I say temporal, but it may well be an error of tense regarding the dying of my fringe. Alas I no longer dye my fringe. I could do, but I've found that nylon doesn't take the colour like a normal thatch.

Talking of dyeing hair, and as I start to type this anecdote I've realised that I have dyed a mate's hair on two occassions - both worthy of retelling here.

Firstly, my mate Trev asked me to peroxide his fringe (a la David Sylvian) which I duly did. He wanted a white fringe as opposed to that orangey blonde that you can end up with. So we planned on doubling the time and quantities, however he left it on for much longer and when he washed it out his hair had turned a pinkish sort of colour. It was very odd. It gave the impression that you were talking to some sort of 6'2" albino rabbit. We never did find out what made it go pink. It later went very brittle and snapped off. Not a good look.

The other occasion involved my mate Pete the Meat (long story). A bunch of us in our late teens had gone done to Devon on a driving/camping holiday. Eight of us were travelling along the A30 just outside Okehampton in two cars with me driving the second car - a lowered Ford Escort MkI with Mexico World Cup arches belonging to Pete the Meat. We were coming down a steepish hill as we rounded a corner to find that the traffic had built up and stopped, so with Pete the Meat sitting alongside me in his car I proceeded to drive his shocking yellow pride and joy into the back of another mate's Capri. I can remember to this day that as it happened, at the very moment of the impact I said "Sorry Meat". Still cringe now thinking about it.

Anyway, we rolled down the hill to a garage forecourt where for some reason 3 empty caravans were parked. We stayed there in the caravans for the rest of the week whilst repairing Pete the Meat's car. We'd been into Okehampton for a beer one evening and upon arriving back at the caravans another mate Nige revealed a Boot's bag containing a hair dye kit, and proceeded to get a mate to dye his hair. It was one of those kits that has a cap with tiny, tiny holes in it through with you use the supplied crochet needle-like thing to tease a small amount of hair through - which is then coated in the dye. The effect is to give you streaks on the hair outside the cap, leaving the hair inside the cap the natural colour.

Pete the Meat, or more accurately the somewhat drunken Pete the Meat decided that he wanted me - a somewhat drunken me - to dye his hair using the remainder of Nige's peroxide. But as Nige still had the supplied cap on his own head, the Meat told me to use the Boot's bag that the kit came in. This I did, but I have to say that I struggled somewhat to make the holes in the bag small enough, and as I went about my task some of the holes ripped further and joined to make larger single holes.

Pete the Meat ended up looking like a leopard - without the fangs or tail, but he was actually quite happy with the unconventional look.

There's a moral in here somewhere; probably that us wig wearers have it easy.

... or hand back your lifetime achievement award to Halo at the door on your way out.

I say Bletch, you Gosport fellas dole out lifetime achievement awards with the same delightful largesse as Gosport Gladys dishes out her favours on a Saturday night. Of course, it goes without saying, I’m more than happy to accept, as long as it doesn’t involve anyone putting a plastic bag over my head or dyeing my hair – I’m happy with the way it is, thank you very much. I’ll have you know I’m known as Silver Fox in certain shady quarters.

OK Wolfy D, I've looked at this for hours, but I can't find a Japan song hidden in there. Please point it out, or hand back your lifetime achievement award to Halo at the door on your way out.

How you failed to spot my voice raised in welcome and my hands held in prayer in that post I will truly never know.

I feel I must also correct the temporal error, I say temporal, but it may well be an error of tense regarding the dying of my fringe. Alas I no longer dye my fringe. I could do, but I've found that nylon doesn't take the colour like a normal thatch.

I'll call that one a typo, though it may have been an unspoken lament for the loss of your erstwhile luxuriant mop.

Talking of dyeing hair, and as I start to type this anecdote I've realised that I have dyed a mate's hair on two occassions - both worthy of retelling here.

 

Firstly, my mate Trev asked me to peroxide his fringe (a la David Sylvian) which I duly did. He wanted a white fringe as opposed to that orangey blonde that you can end up with. So we planned on doubling the time and quantities, however he left it on for much longer and when he washed it out his hair had turned a pinkish sort of colour. It was very odd. It gave the impression that you were talking to some sort of 6'2" albino rabbit. We never did find out what made it go pink. It later went very brittle and snapped off. Not a good look.

 

The other occasion involved my mate Pete the Meat (long story). A bunch of us in our late teens had gone done to Devon on a driving/camping holiday. Eight of us were travelling along the A30 just outside Okehampton in two cars with me driving the second car - a lowered Ford Escort MkI with Mexico World Cup arches belonging to Pete the Meat. We were coming down a steepish hill as we rounded a corner to find that the traffic had built up and stopped, so with Pete the Meat sitting alongside me in his car I proceeded to drive his shocking yellow pride and joy into the back of another mate's Capri. I can remember to this day that as it happened, at the very moment of the impact I said "Sorry Meat". Still cringe now thinking about it.

 

Anyway, we rolled down the hill to a garage forecourt where for some reason 3 empty caravans were parked. We stayed there in the caravans for the rest of the week whilst repairing Pete the Meat's car. We'd been into Okehampton for a beer one evening and upon arriving back at the caravans another mate Nige revealed a Boot's bag containing a hair dye kit, and proceeded to get a mate to dye his hair. It was one of those kits that has a cap with tiny, tiny holes in it through with you use the supplied crochet needle-like thing to tease a small amount of hair through - which is then coated in the dye. The effect is to give you streaks on the hair outside the cap, leaving the hair inside the cap the natural colour.

 

Pete the Meat, or more accurately the somewhat drunken Pete the Meat decided that he wanted me - a somewhat drunken me - to dye his hair using the remainder of Nige's peroxide. But as Nige still had the supplied cap on his own head, the Meat told me to use the Boot's bag that the kit came in. This I did, but I have to say that I struggled somewhat to make the holes in the bag small enough, and as I went about my task some of the holes ripped further and joined to make larger single holes.

 

Pete the Meat ended up looking like a leopard - without the fangs or tail, but he was actually quite happy with the unconventional look.

 

There's a moral in here somewhere; probably that us wig wearers have it easy.

A moral there most certainly is. If you wish to adopt a moniker in the style of the great Damon Runyon (and I'd agree that it is an entirely understandable and even laudable desire), Pete the Meat isn't that moniker. Dave the Dude, Harry the Horse, Angie the Ox or indeed Benny South Street - all of these have a certain I know not what, as the French might say. Pete the Meat doesn't. Perhaps Pete Tenderloin would have seen him better through his life. I find it hard to imagine that a character known as Pete Tenderloin would have allowed his barnet to be tampered with in quite such a cavalier fashion.

On the other hand, he did drive a lowered Mark I Escort with Mexico wheel arches, a choice which cannot but elicit approbation (as a homophonic aside, I like the idea of illicit approbation). Had he been Pete Tenderloin, I think he'd have had an Escort Twin Cam. Incidentally, the Escort was the first in the line of Ford cars named after - ahem - gentlemen's magazines. It was followed by the Fiesta, but a change in top management at Ford UK put a stop to this strategy, and the proposed Ford Tits 'n' Bums saw the light of day as the more humdrum Sierra. A crying shame, I'm sure you'll agree.

A friend of mine (who sadly lacks any kind of out-of-the-ordinary moniker, Runyonesque or otherwise) is very fond of classic cars. He is, however, most scathing of the current vogue for Volkswagen camper vans, preferring small 1950s Fords. As he put it, Popular beats Combi every time.

Dear Bletch,

Fowllyd’s above post has galvanised me to broach something that I’ve been meaning to ask you for some time now, but have been – up to now, at least – too shy, or too unsure that the right moment had arrived.

Even now, I’m uncertain as to whether or not this is the right moment, whether or not you’ll feel I’m being too forward or too familiar, whether or not you’ll feel I’m rushing things. I know that you’re a stickler for protocol – that’s why I want to do things properly. Perhaps I should approach your parents first or sound out your chums? Should I raise the matter with you whilst standing up, sitting down, on one knee, or in the prone position? Should I send flowers?

Oh my goodness, I’m so anxious … and when I’m anxious … I tend to choke … over my words … and hyperventilate … and stutter … and stammer … bear with me Bletch:

Matron, matron, I need my inhaler … NO!, not Nicholas Naughty Needle … please not Lionel Liquid Cosh … please, please not Stanley Straight Jacket …please, please, please not Gilbert Gimp Mask … call yourself a Sister of Mercy... tell those men to let go of me … they’re hurting … don’t make me go in there … it’s pitch black, for fúck sake … I don’t want to go to sleep for a week … I haven’t asked Bletch what I wanted to ask him:

Bletch, bletch!!!!

Bletch, bletch!!!

Bletch, bletch!!

Bletch, bletch!

Do you prefer me to capitalise your name or to leave it uncapitalised?

zzzzz zzzz zzzz z z

Did someone ask for this thread to be killed? I think there was a your instead of you're in there somewhere. Also wouldn't a couple of well known night ladies specialising in ballsack and member manipulation be called a popular beat combo?

I say Bletch, you Gosport fellas dole out lifetime achievement awards with the same delightful largesse as Gosport Gladys dishes out her favours on a Saturday night. Of course, it goes without saying, I’m more than happy to accept, as long as it doesn’t involve anyone putting a plastic bag over my head or dyeing my hair – I’m happy with the way it is, thank you very much. I’ll have you know I’m known as Silver Fox in certain shady quarters.

Umm, this is embarrassing Halo. I didn't mean for you to become the recipient of the award, I just meant for you to take it from Wolfy LD on his way to Coventry*. Sorry mate.

Dear Bletch,

 

Fowllyd’s above post has galvanised me to broach something that I’ve been meaning to ask you for some time now, but have been – up to now, at least – too shy, or too unsure that the right moment had arrived.

 

Even now, I’m uncertain as to whether or not this is the right moment, whether or not you’ll feel I’m being too forward or too familiar, whether or not you’ll feel I’m rushing things. I know that you’re a stickler for protocol – that’s why I want to do things properly. Perhaps I should approach your parents first or sound out your chums? Should I raise the matter with you whilst standing up, sitting down, on one knee, or in the prone position? Should I send flowers?

 

Oh my goodness, I’m so anxious … and when I’m anxious … I tend to choke … over my words … and hyperventilate … and stutter … and stammer … bear with me Bletch:

 

Matron, matron, I need my inhaler … NO!, not Nicholas Naughty Needle … please not Lionel Liquid Cosh … please, please not Stanley Straight Jacket …please, please, please not Gilbert Gimp Mask … call yourself a Sister of Mercy... tell those men to let go of me … they’re hurting … don’t make me go in there … it’s pitch black, for fúck sake … I don’t want to go to sleep for a week … I haven’t asked Bletch what I wanted to ask him:

 

Bletch, bletch!!!!

 

Bletch, bletch!!!

 

Bletch, bletch!!

 

Bletch, bletch!

 

Do you prefer me to capitalise your name or to leave it uncapitalised?

 

zzzzz zzzz zzzz z z

Umm, this is embarrassing Halo.**

How you failed to spot my voice raised in welcome and my hands held in prayer in that post I will truly never know.

Don't rain on my parade Owly, you forgot plain an simple.

A moral there most certainly is. If you wish to adopt a moniker in the style of the great Damon Runyon (and I'd agree that it is an entirely understandable and even laudable desire), Pete the Meat isn't that moniker. Dave the Dude, Harry the Horse, Angie the Ox or indeed Benny South Street - all of these have a certain I know not what, as the French might say. Pete the Meat doesn't. Perhaps Pete Tenderloin would have seen him better through his life. I find it hard to imagine that a character known as Pete Tenderloin would have allowed his barnet to be tampered with in quite such a cavalier fashion.

 

On the other hand, he did drive a lowered Mark I Escort with Mexico wheel arches, a choice which cannot but elicit approbation (as a homophonic aside, I like the idea of illicit approbation). Had he been Pete Tenderloin, I think he'd have had an Escort Twin Cam. Incidentally, the Escort was the first in the line of Ford cars named after - ahem - gentlemen's magazines. It was followed by the Fiesta, but a change in top management at Ford UK put a stop to this strategy, and the proposed Ford Tits 'n' Bums saw the light of day as the more humdrum Sierra. A crying shame, I'm sure you'll agree.

 

A friend of mine (who sadly lacks any kind of out-of-the-ordinary moniker, Runyonesque or otherwise) is very fond of classic cars. He is, however, most scathing of the current vogue for Volkswagen camper vans, preferring small 1950s Fords. As he put it, Popular beats Combi every time.

6. Very good. You can have the award back. Halo, please take it out of the TMS safe and hand it to Wolly FD. It should be between Bear's well thumbed copy of The Story of O and Toke's phallus-shaped dog toy.

BTW I've never read any Runyon; other than the odd passage that will forever continue to demonstrate his unusual use of tense, but I can assure you that there was seldom anything tender about the loin of Pete the Meat.

Did someone ask for this thread to be killed? I think there was a your instead of you're in there somewhere. Also wouldn't a couple of well known night ladies specialising in ballsack and member manipulation be called a popular beat combo?

Despite your best efforts y p'turb (Spanish for making people feel unsettled and worried - and killing threads. Probably.), this thread was mortally wounded, but has crawled back through enemy lines and is currently in the ICU awaiting a tall, blonde nurse to come and massage its purple heart.

10/10 for the popular beat combo reference though.

*Fowllyd was literally on his way to Coventry.

**I know that's harsh given the crap I foist on our TMS brethren.

Don't rain on my parade Owly, you forgot plain an simple.

You cut me to the quick there, Snitch Bleat, but I have to cough to it - you're right. Ain't that peculiar?

6. Very good. You can have the award back. Halo, please take it out of the TMS safe and hand it to Wolly FD. It should be between Bear's well thumbed copy of The Story of O and Toke's phallus-shaped dog toy.

 

BTW I've never read any Runyon; other than the odd passage that will forever continue to demonstrate his unusual use of tense, but I can assure you that there was seldom anything tender about the loin of Pete the Meat.

You should. You will enjoy it more than somewhat. As I will enjoy my award.

Despite your best efforts y p'turb (Spanish for making people feel unsettled and worried - and killing threads. Probably.), this thread was mortally wounded, but has crawled back through enemy lines and is currently in the ICU awaiting a tall, blonde nurse to come and massage its purple heart.

 

10/10 for the popular beat combo reference though.

As long as the nurse isn't Tokyo or the Bear in drag, then I predict a full recovery. But I fear the worst. The thread's throbbing organ could be massaged to a pulp.

Incidentally, I was in East London a couple of months back and I happened to catch a cricket match. At first I was rather surprised to see a village team from Northumberland playing a match so far south, but then it occurred to me that the village cricket cup competition is national in its scope. Anyway, it was a close-fought game, and I quite enjoyed watching Poplar beat Cambo.

Dear Bletch,

 

Fowllyd’s above post has galvanised me to broach something that I’ve been meaning to ask you for some time now, but have been – up to now, at least – too shy, or too unsure that the right moment had arrived.

 

Even now, I’m uncertain as to whether or not this is the right moment, whether or not you’ll feel I’m being too forward or too familiar, whether or not you’ll feel I’m rushing things. I know that you’re a stickler for protocol – that’s why I want to do things properly. Perhaps I should approach your parents first or sound out your chums? Should I raise the matter with you whilst standing up, sitting down, on one knee, or in the prone position? Should I send flowers?

 

Oh my goodness, I’m so anxious … and when I’m anxious … I tend to choke … over my words … and hyperventilate … and stutter … and stammer … bear with me Bletch:

 

Matron, matron, I need my inhaler … NO!, not Nicholas Naughty Needle … please not Lionel Liquid Cosh … please, please not Stanley Straight Jacket …please, please, please not Gilbert Gimp Mask … call yourself a Sister of Mercy... tell those men to let go of me … they’re hurting … don’t make me go in there … it’s pitch black, for fúck sake … I don’t want to go to sleep for a week … I haven’t asked Bletch what I wanted to ask him:

 

Bletch, bletch!!!!

 

Bletch, bletch!!!

 

Bletch, bletch!!

 

Bletch, bletch!

 

Do you prefer me to capitalise your name or to leave it uncapitalised?

 

zzzzz zzzz zzzz z z

OK Halo, I give up. You got me.

What's the question?

If you're thinking of exchanging any form of bodily fluid, the answer is a qualified "probably not".

You cut me to the quick there, Snitch Bleat, but I have to cough to it - you're right. Ain't that peculiar?

 

 

 

You should. You will enjoy it more than somewhat. As I will enjoy my award.

 

 

 

As long as the nurse isn't Tokyo or the Bear in drag, then I predict a full recovery. But I fear the worst. The thread's throbbing organ could be massaged to a pulp.

 

Incidentally, I was in East London a couple of months back and I happened to catch a cricket match. At first I was rather surprised to see a village team from Northumberland playing a match so far south, but then it occurred to me that the village cricket cup competition is national in its scope. Anyway, it was a close-fought game, and I quite enjoyed watching Poplar beat Cambo.

7.

Fecundity.

7.

 

Fecundity.

Thank you Balti Stench. I should stop now before I burst the forum with my verbal juices. It will also save me having to think of any more variations, which is harder than thinking of anagrams of your name, interestingly enough.

So, a few points:

 

 

 

B) I have never met anyone in real life called Lionel.

I have met Lionel de Rothschild. Stitch that.

And his sister in law Charlotte is seriously gorgeous.

I have met Lionel de Rothschild. Stitch that.

 

And his sister in law Charlotte is seriously gorgeous.

He's dead and she's um, well she can sing well.

OK Halo, I give up. You got me.

 

What's the question?

 

If you're thinking of exchanging any form of bodily fluid, the answer is a qualified "probably not".

Sorry for the tardiness of my reply bletch; I’ve been in a dark and rather frightening place with very limited means of contact to the outside world this week, namely, my mother’s house on the I.O.W.

The question was simply this: do you prefer to be addressed as Bletch or bletch?

P.S. Having re-read my previous post I’m wondering whether the roadside fungi that Mrs Stickman is gathering to compliment my Sunday rashers and eggs are actually edible common mushrooms after all.

Sorry for the tardiness of my reply bletch; I’ve been in a dark and rather frightening place with very limited means of contact to the outside world this week, namely, my mother’s house on the I.O.W.

 

The question was simply this: do you prefer to be addressed as Bletch or bletch?

 

P.S. Having re-read my previous post I’m wondering whether the roadside fungi that Mrs Stickman is gathering to compliment my Sunday rashers and eggs are actually edible common mushrooms after all.

I have rarely, if indeed ever, met a mushroom whose manners were other than impeccable. I'm glad to hear that you have had similarly pleasant fungal experiences.

I have rarely, if indeed ever, met a mushroom whose manners were other than impeccable. I'm glad to hear that you have had similarly pleasant fungal experiences.

You’re right Fowllyd, those mushrooms said some very nice things about the rashers and eggs; sadly, they weren’t so complimentary towards me after I ate them.

Equally as sadly, I’m starting to doubt that my posts are complementing this thread.