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Season Review 2013/14

Rating: 2 votes, 3.00 average.
They were the best of times, they were the worst of times. They were probably neither. When we’re old and grey and trying to remember exactly how it came to pass that Danny Fox played Premier League football, we will be able to pin-point 2013/14 as the season when...

[SIZE=3][I]2013/14 was the season when...[/I]
[INDENT][B]Southampton kept the ball[/B][/INDENT][/SIZE]
Possession is 9/10th of the law, which doesn’t leave a lot over for rapists and paedophiles but whatever, that is the world we live in. The Southampton team of 2013/14 were the league champions of possession-ball, and while the only trophy for this is the ability to sound like a stats-geek in the pub, we’ll take what we can get. Our boys were the league’s absolute pass masters! At times they had such a firm grip on the ball that strong men in the Kingsland winced and thought of mother.


There are a number of ways to keep the ball. Scoring a hat-trick is probably best. Having a high fence and a big dog. Playing Villa. Our strategy was not so simple but just as effective. It largely entailed faffing around in our own half and not shooting. Our ability to faff around in our own half and not shoot was unparalleled! Barcelona could take Pochettino’s correspondence course. There were times to be fair when our strategy rather too much entailed Boruc having the ball at his feet, which is akin to trusting a crack-head with your debit card (or a coke-head with a football), but on other occasions it resulted in some spectacularly pleasing passages of play and more than one well constructed goal. Rocking up at a Champions League club to watch opposition internationals spend the better part of the game chasing stupidly after our players like sex starved mongoloids or like, well like England internationals, was in any case preferable to the usual tactic of packing the 18 yard box and only seeing the ball when it needs carrying to the centre spot.

[SIZE=3][I]2013/14 was the season when...[/I]
[INDENT][B]Four Saints played for England[/B][/INDENT][/SIZE]
Watching the England football team is a deeply unpleasant way to spend 90 minutes. There’s only so many times you can watch 11 over-rated, over-paid Man Utd squad players screw up a 10 yard sideways pass, with grim and constipated expressions on their deathless faces. England manager Roy Hodgson deserves credit for finding a revolutionary method of addressing this, he cast his owlish eye over the Premier League and found that there were actual football teams playing football beyond the top 6! Some of their players were even English! So, despite the clear handicap of not playing for Liverpool he decided to give them a go.

Was there a more visceral moment in the history of 3 lions than when Rickie Lambert, our own lumpen, mecurial football god lifted his ample weight from the Wembley bench and thudded the winning goal against Scotland? I haven’t been so thrilled since I sat on the thin end of an England band trumpet. It took 3 minutes and 6 stewards to extract the thing but I still managed to produce a more tuneful rendition of the great escape than they ever did, despite the odd bum note.

As ever, where Lambert leads, Lallana follows. And Rodriguez, and then Luke Shaw. Three of the four were subsequently called up for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil and the fourth, Jay Rodriguez can consider himself unlucky because even with an ACL injury he’s still better than Milner.

[SIZE=3][I]2013/14 was the season when...[/I]
[INDENT][B]We scored more than we conceded[/B][/INDENT][/SIZE]
It ought not to be a marked achievement, but for the first time in Premier League history a Southampton side adopted the simple policy of knocking the white thing in the old onion bag on more occasions than they granted the opposition that particular pleasure. Key to this achievement was the marked drop in reported rapes in the city of Southampton. Even on the rare occasion when games did rather get away with us, you couldn’t go as far as to cry rape. Chelsea got a bit heavy with us I suppose, they at least had their hands in the bra, but like Oscar Pistorious, it would hardly stand up in court.

[SIZE=3][I]2013/14 was the season when...[/I]
[INDENT][B]The end of the Five Year Plan[/B][/INDENT][/SIZE]
I hate it when things end. Relationships, television series. Lunch-breaks. Southampton CEO and militant spoon dwarf, Nicola Cortese clearly felt much the same way and jumped ship a full half-year prior to the conclusion of his own 5 year master plan. The plan, such as it went, was to develop Saints from a parochial also-ran League One outfit into a parochial also-ran Premier League side, and you have to say that it was massively successful. No jokes. Seriously, we’ve had a great 5 years.

The problem with 5 year plans of course is that while long-term ambitions are admirable, within 12 months you only have a 4 year plan. A year later you’re looking down the barrel of a 3 year plan and before you know it you’re a Premier League team with a no year plan. It’s hard not to think of 2013/14 as the end of something. The tabloid press were certainly on board. They went after us with a blood-lust that is usually reserved for asylum seekers and gypsies.

Nonetheless Cortese was gone and he left rather large shoes to fill. I mean not literally – he wore a size 5 – the large shoes are merely metaphorical, like Rooney’s hair. It took three men to replace the poison dwarf, Ralph Krueger, Hans Hofstetter and Gareth Rogers. Or Happy, Dopey and Bashful, if you like. It was hoped that the appointment of a Hockey Coach, a hotstepper and an Andy Townsend look-a-like would provide some continuity in the levels of gaffe-filled hilarity that we had enjoyed under Cortese’s stewardship.

We Shall See.

[SIZE=3][I]2013/14 was the season when...[/I]
[INDENT][B]We kept all our best players[/B][/INDENT][/SIZE]
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Updated 15-05-2014 at 10:46 PM by Bearsy

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  1. Dig Dig's Avatar
    Enjoyed reading that, good work as always!
  2. Bearsy's Avatar
    Cheers digs, i actually set out to write a v.serious article cos i was originally gonna ask colin if he would post it in the news section. Imagine my surprise when i read it back and found it was full of rapes, spoon dwarves & sex-starved mongoloids!
  3. Colinjb's Avatar
    Good work Bearsy. I've stopped doing the new articles on here but why involve me anyway when you can blog it! Keep them coming.
  4. Jonnyboy's Avatar
    Lolz as ever
  5. sussexsaint's Avatar
    Just f*cking superb.

    'play villa'
  6. Mallagroth's Avatar
    Nice mate, clever and funny, enjoyed that.