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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....


Redbul

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We had the mother in law over for dinner, and our dog was gazing up at her and wagging his tail.

 

"That's sweet," she smiled. "Is he really that fond of me?"

 

"Not really," I said. "It's just that you're eating off his plate."

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This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is.

 

 

They think so logically.

 

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

 

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

 

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

 

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

 

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!'

 

The teacher had to leave the room.

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Little 5 year old Mary sees a group of workmen turn up next door to build an extension.

She takes an interest and starts to talk to them. The builders, with hearts if gold, adopt her as their site mascot. After a week they present her with a Pink hard hat and gloves. Even a wage packet of £5.

 

"Goodness" says Mummy smiling, "are you working there next week?".

Mary replies: "I think so Mummy, provided those w**kers at Travis Perkins deliver the f**kin bricks!!".

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A regular came into my butchers shop this morning. She's from Trinidad, and loves a bargain.

 

"What's on special offer today?" she smiled. "I fancy a piece of beef, or some chicken."

 

I said "No, Black Betty, it's ham or lamb."

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some witty people on here competing.

 

My mate had sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday, he said there was 3 things to say

 

Firstly she was very tight to get into

 

Secondly she didnt complain if you finish on her face

 

and thirdly the Staff at Madame Tussuads dont have a sense of humour

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I was watching my next door neighbour's 21-year-old daughter sunbathe topless from my bedroom window at the weekend. As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert?

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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died.

 

His family are taking it hard.

 

Innuendo, eh? :)

 

"Our client, Katie Price, has been upset by suggestive comments concerning the alleged size of her vagina," said the solicitor. "Were you responsible?"

 

"I may have had a hand in it," I admitted.

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I heard a sweet elderly Lady saying a prayer:

 

Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me You've taken -

My favourite actor, Patrick MacNee

My favourite horror actor, Christopher Lee

My favourite comedian Robin Williams

My favourite singers, Cilla Black, Joe Cocker, and David Bowie

My favourite author Tom Clancy

And finally my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan

 

So Lord, I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:

Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Jacob Zuma, and that stupid loud mouthed cow from Scotland

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An elderly couple who had both been widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.#

Urged on by their friends, they decided that it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered -

 

 

"Is that one word or two?"

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "Listen. If you ever come close to me, I'll f*cking skin you. When we're sleeping, don't f*cking touch me. Don't ever try and talk to me either."*

 

"Great," I thought, "one day in here and I'm already married."

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A guy goes to prison for the first time and finds himself sharing a cell with the biggest guy he has ever seen.

 

On the first night the guy leans over and says, "Alright, mate. You and me are gonna be playing a lot of mummies and daddies in here. So who do you wanna be? The mummy or the daddy?"

 

The new guy thinks to himself that this bloke probably has a massive díck, and decides he would rather 'give' than 'receive'.

 

"Um... erm... well, I suppose I'll be the Daddy then."

 

"A good choice, Mate," Says the big guy. "Now come over here and suck Mummy's cóck."

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".... oh god!!" I gasped. "I'm going to explode, I can't stop it...."

 

"Do it on my tits," she whispered. "I'm kinky like that."

 

" Really?" I said.

 

"Yes, honestly," she replied.

 

 

It taught me this much. When you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific.

Edited by scotty
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It's 1958, 54 people are flying over the Atlantic from Paris to Los Angeles. Most are families, the others are business men. The flight had been uneventful for the first 90 mins when the general low chat is broken by a judder, but it's not

 

turbulence. Over the Tannoy system the Captain begins speaking. 'Ladies and gentlemen the vibrations you may have just felt were due to the No.3 engine having problems, because of this we will be around 20 mins late landing. We are

 

sorry for any inconvenience'. A couple of the business men rub under their eyes and frown, but generally most people seem unbothered. Drinks and food are served, everyone forgets about the extra 20 minutes and the general hum of

 

chatter returns.

 

Another judder, 2h 35 into the flight. The Captain, again, comes over the radio. 'Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that engine No.1 has stopped working. This is not a problem but it does mean that we will now be around 45 minutes late

 

touching down in L.A'. A few people start realizing they will miss trains and more of the businessmen start frowning, but they understand there is nothing they can do. Most ask for a beer or a gin and tonic.

 

4h 21mins since the flight left Paris and they hit a weather front. Strong winds batter the plane, mostly sideways. Lightening and heavy rain become a problem. 20 minutes pass, a big shudder and a slight lose of engine note alerts most of

 

the adults. Concerned looks are exchanged between passengers. About a minute later the Captain states, 'We are sorry Ladies and gentlemen but due to to the adverse weather conditions we are having problems with engine No.4. There

 

is know need to be worried but we will be, at least, 2hrs late arriving at L.A. We are very sorry for any problems that may arise because of this'.

 

All of the businessmen are now pretty annoyed and the delay affects everyone. Then one of the children turns to his mother and says, 'Hopefully the last engine won't stop or otherwise we'll be up here all day!'.

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I was shocked to catch my wife filling out a Cosmo quiz called "Is your man hopeless in bed?"

 

"Don't worry," she reassured me. "It's just something to do when I'm bored."

 

"That's ok then" I replied, and carried on thrusting.

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Started my new job at the Samaritans yesterday and I'm loving it ...

My first call was from a Pompey fan who said he was on the train track feeling suicidal.

I told him, "Please keep calm and stay on the line."

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Started my new job at the Samaritans yesterday and I'm loving it ...

My first call was from a Pompey fan who said he was on the train track feeling suicidal.

I told him, "Please keep calm and stay on the line."

 

:lol:

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Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.

 

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour, and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

 

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

 

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

 

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was:

666136429."

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Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear.

 

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour, and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements.

 

She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight".

 

I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!"

 

A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was:

666136429."

 

I thought that was chicken chow mein, crispy chilli beef and a portion of egg fried rice???

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