TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

Would you like mushy peas with that, young man?

 

 

I ain't stirring no porridge

well yes i spose it is really, but that would make lou's comments Valid & my comments Dumb

 

I win. Again.

ok that is fair, you get to keep one of my posters as spoils of war. Who do you want?

ok that is fair, you get to keep one of my posters as spoils of war. Who do you want?

 

I'll have you

godammit i was thinking bout one of my fringe squad posters like i.e. deano06 or suewhistle! You can't afford top earner like me surely, cos of FFP?

godammit i was thinking bout one of my fringe squad posters like i.e. deano06 or suewhistle! You can't afford top earner like me surely, cos of FFP?

 

What will it cost me?

My normal package is (all figures /per week & net of tax):

 

1 x Let me make an offensive joke about women without firing back + calling me Impotent

3 x Laugh at a post that i post

1 x Send me a pm including deeply disturbing or pornographic image

2 x Make insulting joke at the expense of i.e. tokyos or i.e. beltch

1 x Make me Ham Sandwich

5 x Check in at least every work day + read all my posts + check I am ok

 

I mean that is just normal package + I would also want signing on bonus which I will have to check with PFA but i think is normally i.e. tug-job. And also for my testimonial I will want i.e to Bang

My normal package is (all figures /per week & net of tax):

 

1 x Let me make an offensive joke about women without firing back + calling me Impotent

3 x Laugh at a post that i post

1 x Send me a pm including deeply disturbing or pornographic image

2 x Make insulting joke at the expense of i.e. tokyos or i.e. beltch

1 x Make me Ham Sandwich

5 x Check in at least every work day + read all my posts + check I am ok

 

I mean that is just normal package + I would also want signing on bonus which I will have to check with PFA but i think is normally i.e. tug-job. And also for my testimonial I will want i.e to Bang

 

Item 2, I do pretty consistently already.

Item 3, will nudity suffice?

Item 4&5 no problem.

Item 6, I do already.

 

Item 1 is challenging. Is there scope for negotiation? Can I still fire back but replace impotent with an alternative word that we both understand what it means, but still saves your reputation?

Looks like you're good to go for the signing on bonus and teste moan all Bearsy

Looks like you're good to go for the signing on bonus and teste moan all Bearsy

 

Testimonial is performance related. Need to show at Farmhouse at least 6 times. And be sufficiently entertaining. Then testimonial is a sure thing.

Item 3, paragraoh 6, subclause 2(a) states that nudity is more than +acceptable. We even sometimes accept just i.e. cleavage, or i.e picture of dogs bumhole looking like baby jesus i.e.:

 

 

I spose also, when I do miss ogynist post, you could just say, "I agree", and you can tell i.e. KRG that it was sarcasm, and I can tell i.e. everyone else that it is Not

Testimonial is performance related. Need to show at Farmhouse at least 6 times. And be sufficiently entertaining. Then testimonial is a sure thing.

 

tokyos agreed to signing on bonus and testimonial without requiring any other conditions RIP

Hey Sevvy, are you new to the Muppet show?

 

No I just hide in the shadows

tokyos agreed to signing on bonus and testimonial without requiring any other conditions RIP

 

Maybe, but I've got nicer eyebrows...

these negotiations seem remarkably straight-forward! tokyos spent 2 weeks drafting lists of things he wanted inserted in his b-hole I'm going out now have good easter Laters xxxxxxxx

Accordion to a recent survey, If you replace a word with a musical instrument, No one notices

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

 

Aye matey!

 

What does a 6ft parrot say?

 

 

Polly wants a biscuit. Right f*cking now!

'It is important that we don't forget the true meaning of Easter'. Said the Arch Bishop of Cadbury's

Shamelessly stolen from Popbitch

 

Knock knock

Who's there?

 

The pilot

A white horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman says, "That's amazing, we have a drink named after you." "Wow" says the horse, "You have a drink called Dobbin?"

Always fly with a scouse pilot - never ever been known to tear up a sick note!

What is 60 feet long and smells of p*ss?

 

 

 

The weekly pension queue at the post office.

This fellah gets hit by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.

 

Policeman knocks on the door of the family of the poor bloke and the chap's wife answers the door. The copper says:

 

"There's no easy way to say this...."

The inventor of speed boats has died

 

The funeral is tomorrow

 

......followed by the wake

What lies on the bottom of the sea and mutilates prostitutes?

 

 

 

 

Jack the Kipper.

For the record, I do know Jack Schitt. He is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

 

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

 

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

 

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt

Mushroom walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms."

Mushroom says, "But I'm a 'fun guy.'"

Bartender says, "I just said we don't serve fungi."

Mushroom says, "No, no, not 'fungi,' 'fun guy.' I made a pun."

Bartender says, "Get the **** out of my bar."

A marriage guidance counsellor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title

 

"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically

 

"Enter the dragon, " I replied

Holy Shiit, I Saw A Woman Getting Jumped By 3 Dudes So I Jumped In!

 

 

 

 

 

She didn't stand a chance against the 4 of us.

A good friend of mine died of heartburn this week

 

 

 

I cant believe gavisgone

A good looking bloke with a massive big toe and a tiny **** pulls this gorgeous bird and takes her back to his flat. After a few wines he gets her into bed, turns the light off and they both undress. Justifiably worried his tiny old boy may leave the lady disappointed, he manoeuvres himself round in the darkness and gives her the sh@gging of her life with his gigantic big toe.

A couple of days later he notices his toe is red and itchy. The problem worsens over the following week until the toe is covered in weeping scabby sores and feels like it's on fire. No amount of scrubbing and cream application will improve the problem and eventually he goes to see his GP.

The doc takes a brief look at the toe, nods wisely, and says "I'm afraid you've got a bad case of VD of the toe sir. It's an unusual condition I know, but you'd be surprised at some of the ailments I've diagnosed in my time. Only this morning I had a bird in here with athlete's c.unt"

I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.

I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

 

She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.

 

I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.

 

As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder.

 

I thought to myself....

 

"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'

I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.

I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

 

She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.

 

I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.

 

As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder.

 

I thought to myself....

 

"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'

 

That is a gross joke!

That is a gross joke!

 

Nah, she'd probably think it was the dog anyway.

I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me.

I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.

 

She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless and she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.

 

I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose and tongue between her parted thighs.

 

As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder.

 

I thought to myself....

 

"I really wish her guide dog would f*ck off!'

 

hahahhahahahahaha

 

Reminds me of this one.

 

 

 

What's the definition of Relative Humidity?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sweat on your boll_ocks when your f_cking your sister

hahahhahahahahaha

 

Reminds me of this one.

 

 

 

What's the definition of Relative Humidity?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sweat on your boll_ocks when your f_cking your sister

 

A good old Pompey story

So what if I cant spell Armaggedon. Its not the end of the world.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

 

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

 

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady “Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door in disgust...

 

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is th e same man, and he asks the same question of the woman Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door again.

 

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice “Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again”.

 

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, “Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen. If it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it.”

 

She nods yes to her husband, and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.

“Do you have a vagina?”........ “Yes” she says......

 

The man replies “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?”

A few early (and predictable) ones.........

 

Keith Harris is dead - apparently Orville is speeachless...

 

The news gets worse... I'm hearing that Orville has been found dead now....... police think that Keith harris may have a hand in it..

 

Keith Harris must be one of the few guys from the 80's who had his hand up a bird and didn't get jailed for it.

Q. What's the definition of endless love?

 

A. Stevie Wonder v David Blunkett at tennis

True story from my 12 year olds HSE class last week. Teacher asked the class a question and picked one kid to answer it.

 

" If a boy has 33 sweets and eats 28, what does he have now?"

 

"five sir"

 

"no, diabetes"

One buzz word in today's business world is Marketing.

 

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

 

Well, here it is:

 

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

 

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing

at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

 

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say,

"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

 

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach

up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

 

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

 

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

 

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

 

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing,

so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.

 

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

 

That's former President Bill Clinton.

 

* You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America

Haha, good one Saint in Paradise. I might use some of those techniques!

"How was last nights hen party?" I asked my girlfriend.

 

"Terrible," she groaned. "I got so drunk I passed out on the pool table. When I finally came round, some joker had put the triangle round my neck and chalked my nose."

 

"That's not so bad," I chuckled.

 

"No," she sighed. "But then I found the cue."

http://www.sunnyskyz.com/happy-videos/476/People-Are-Saying-This-Is-The-Best-Joke-Ever-Told#zjVYfGbhC8tGQDhp.01

Sorry Lou Lou my sweet, but this has got to be the funniest thing ever....

OH MY GOD!!!!

 

http://youtu.be/sTWPUziuoEo

She didnt swallow. Not much of an ad for Sprite.