TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

"Go f*ck yourself."

I told the hermaphrodite.

I've been thinking about doing a modern day version of "Its A Knockout".

Basically, it involves 9-year old girls and rohypnol.

I signed up to be an organ donor, but to be honest, my heart really wasn't in it...

My niece asked if I wanted to play supermarket with her.

So I took her up the chocolate aisle.

I'm not saying my new girlfriend's a bit of a slut.

But people keep writing "even my van's not as dirty as this", on her back.

"I'm sorry, but I like my women to be like my crisps..." I told my paraplegic blind date,"..I only do Walkers."

what did he think would happen when dressed monkey up in slutty pink dress like that? Asking for it.

Bear woke up this morning with a prune stuck up his arse.

He thinks he's been date raped.

My wife told me it would be nice if I danced with her little niece at the wedding reception.

So when 'Lady In Red' came on, I made my move.

Breaking news about Nelson Mandela...

He's got a new sponsorship deal with Duracell.

When I found out you could donate sperm via post, I came in a jiffy.

Aussie Helpline

The slow ones (Oztralians) might need to read this a couple of times.

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the ***** by a wasp,

and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

1 attacks the cow's brain and sends it mental, and the other is some kind of farm problem.

what do you call a nun in a wheelchair,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,virgin mobile,

what do you call a nun in a wheelchair,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,virgin mobile,

Is this her?

Got the mother in law a Pug dog as a present,despite the squashed nose ,bulging eyes,rolls of fat and being ugly as feck...... The dog seems to like her

What do you do if you come across a Tiger in the jungle?

Wipe it off and apologise.

what do you call a nun in a wheelchair,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,virgin mobile,

And a nun on a jester's shoulders? Virgin on the ridiculous.........

"Is this new spray tan too dark?" asked my wife.

I looked up from hiding my wallet and mobile and replied "of course not."

A dog went into a post office to send a telegram. The man at the counter asked the dog to write down what they wanted to send. Taking a blank form, the dog wrote “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The man at the counter examined the form and politely told the dog, “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog replied, “But that wouldn't make any sense at all!”

Picture didn't appear

Bearsy?

BEARSY?

"Is this new spray tan too dark?" asked my wife.

 

I looked up from hiding my wallet and mobile and replied "of course not."

....

indeed

....

Well said

What's the definition of relative humidity ?

The sweat on your ******** when your ****ing your sister.

If the Royal Baby was an Aussie it'd would have been out hours ago.

And probably reviewed the decision

can I be the last post on every thread ?

I'm not saying that I am unlucky..........................

but I just drew Mohammed in the royal baby name sweepstake

Didn't some Danish people get in trouble for drawing Mohammed?

....

indeed

Well said

What?

What?

Scotty,Your stuff is normally funny,racist stuff is not

Great news ... just had a check up at the doctors, and basically he's given me permission to masturbate whenever I want.

His exact words were that I could have a stroke at anytime!!

Scotty,Your stuff is normally funny,racist stuff is not

Not exactly frankie boyle territory, is it.

Most of the jokes on this thread are lifted straight from sickipedia. I shudder to think what you'd make of these......

http://www.sickipedia.org/forum/index.php?topic=77488.0

Why did Kate, Will and George cross the road?

**** knows! But the Daily Mail have dedicated their first 30 pages to it.

Looks like that Spanish train driver is getting blamed for the crash, by going too fast into a bend.

If I was him, I'd be straight on the phone.

To Vicky Pryce.

Just tried to persuade two fiddles to have a "battle" like the dueling banjos.

Apparently I'm going to be charged with inciting violins.

My missus made me go to ridiculously extreme lengths to make our pet flamingo feel at home.

In the end I had to put my foot down.

My neighbour's twelve year old daughter asked me round to help her with an internet problem.

"Mum and Dad are at work," she explained, "and I'm trying to install this program. But it keeps saying I need to disable my Virgin Security."

"If your parents are out," I said, unzipping my jeans, "you've already done that."

My teenage son brought his new girlfriend home last night so I gave him some sex advice.

"Spread her m*nge apart with your fingers and lick her cl*t," I said, "Then after a few minutes, spit on her arse, slip your c*ck deep inside and then pound the granny out of it."

"Oh cheers, dad!" he replied.

"No problem," I said walking out of his room, "Nice to meet you Sarah."

Kieron Dyer has retired from football. He will now be sold to Arsenal as spare parts for Jack Wilshere

Q. What does a skate girl use for protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

From the late Tommy Cooper

1. Two blondes walk into a building --- you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know, I've cut off your hands'.

7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10 Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'

11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'

Doc says, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '

'Is it common, doc?'

'Well, it's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'

'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'

'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'

'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'

'How's that?'

'Oh, now, don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. There are 5 people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The second one replies, 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'

The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

From the late Tommy Cooper

 

Heard them all before but can't help laughing. Genius. Made my day, thanks.

"I think our first date has gone really well," she smiled, leaning across the table and exposing her amazing cleavage. "We both know whats going to happen now," she added, leaning closer and fluttering the lashes on her beautiful blue eyes, "so why don't you order us a taxi and get a bottle of champagne from the bar...."

I gulped. She pulled my face toward hers, brushed her cheek against mine and whispered in my ear.... "...then we'll go back to my place, and lick it off of each other."

"Bit late for that now, love," I said briskly, glancing down at the damp spot on my jeans. "I'll walk you to the bus stop."