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Thread: TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

  1. #2051

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    What have a priest & a pint of guinness got in common?

    A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one...

  2. #2052

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    There's a prehistoric reason why men love breasts.

    It's cos prehistoric men loved breasts..

  3. #2053

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    Son: Dad, why did you and Mum name my little sister Teresa?

    Dad: Because we decided that our childrens names should reflect the things we love, and your Mum absolutely loves Easter - and Teresa, is an anagram of Easter!

    Son: Oh - that makes sense. Thanks Dad.

    Dad: No problem Alan

  4. #2054

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    A bloke says to his mate "I'm moving to Switzerland..."

    The mate asks "Why!? What's so good about Switzerland !?"

    He replies "Well, the flag is a big plus."

  5. #2055

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    I just tried to remember La Macarena, and ended up telling some deaf guy I fancied his wife.

  6. #2056

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    "I can't believe that you sh*gged my sister last night!!" screamed my girlfriend. "What the hell were you thinking?"

    I said "babe, you are so much sexier than your sister."

    "Honestly?" she smiled.

    "Yes," I said. "That's what I was thinking."

  7. #2057

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    God, how embarrassing. My mother just caught me masturbating.

    Hell of a time for her to come out of a three year coma.

  8. #2058

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    Some blokes reckon that using a moisturiser after shaving is a bit gay.

    I don't, I just think it makes my legs lovely and soft.

  9. #2059

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    Danny La Rue has passed away.

    That's bad news however you dress it up.

  10. #2060

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    I remember getting a beating from the PE teacher in the school showers.

    Luckily I managed to climb out of the window and get to my car before he killed me.
    Last edited by scotty; 06-06-2017 at 09:37 AM.

  11. #2061

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    I'm getting my own back on the wife this Saturday. I plan to take her to eleven different pubs in town, then go back to the very first one we visited.

    And that's when I'll buy my pint.

  12. #2062

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    Just seen the exact same thing in the 99p shop that I'd already bought in Poundland.

    Gutted.

  13. #2063

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    It's true that alcohol kills......... but look how many are born because of it

  14. #2064

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    "Was I breast fed?" I asked.

    "You sure were," replied my mother.

    "Did it hurt?" I asked.

    "No idea," she said. "Ask your nan."

  15. #2065

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    A man walks into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman,
    He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
    "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
    The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
    The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
    The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
    "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
    The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
    The man smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

  16. #2066

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    I've developed this terrible craving for sugar since moving to Hackney.

    I think I might be Di Abbotic.

  17. #2067

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    When my mother was giving birth, the midwife had to use forceps to pull my head out of her fanny.

    That's how eager I was to see my kid sister.

  18. #2068

    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    New Zealand
    Posts
    5,342

    Default

    A lawyer, who had a wife and 12 children, needed to move because his rental
    agreement was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home.
    But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
    When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because
    they felt the children would destroy the place.
    He couldn't say he had no children, because he couldn't lie—and we all know
    lawyers cannot lie. So, he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 of their kids.
    He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate*agent.
    He loved one of the homes and the price was right—and the agent asked: "How
    many children do you have?
    He answered: "Twelve."
    The agent asked, "Where are the others?"
    The lawyer, with his best courtroom sad look answered—“They're in the
    cemetery with their mother."

    MORAL:
    It's not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words. And don't
    forget, most politicians are, unfortunately, lawyers.

  19. #2069

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    I asked my wife to clean the fridge out while I was at work.

    Wish I hadn't now. There's nothing left for supper, and she's lying on the sofa like a python thats swallowed a goat.

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