The saintbletch "Hilarious fun with words" thread

As the TMS patafamilias, and the winner of the 2013 TMS "Bronze Star" award, I feel duty bound to bring some educational content to TMS - in fact any content in TMS at the moment would be a good thing.

I think it's time we muppets shared with one and other(sic) the great fun that can be had with words!

Anything really - words you like/dislike, clever swearing terms/phrases*, euphemisms, spoonerisms, limericks, punctuation puns, corporate speak, nonsense poems, portmanteau words, misheard phrases/lyrics, malapropisms, abbreviations, acronyms, long words, short words, or even share the hilarious word-play games you played with your young children.

You know the sort of word-play parlour games we must have each played with our children to make up for selling the TV and thrusting "boring old books!" into their sobbing-induced, rhythmically jerking hands.

"Dry your tears, and don't let them drip on your lovely books!"

I would say, followed by

"I know you used to enjoy the Simpsons, but now you've got your very own copy of The Count of Monte Cristo - you dumass!".

My personal favourite game was "Smack the legs of the adjective abuser". They soon learn where an adverb goes, I can tell you.

Oh what fun we had. My "intentional spoonerisms", and "Verb names" games are legend in my household.

Anyway, pretty much open season. Regale your fellow muppets with the various uses of our wonderful language that have teased a smile to chase away a grumpy frown.

(*)This is not an invitation to beat the swear filter - be creative.

At 255 words and 1526 characters, Toke won't have made it this far, so I should mention that he will get infracted and lose rep points if he contributes. Also note, no Japanese words or phrases are allowed as these make Toke look clever, and me look inuntelligent.

OK, I'll start you off with my legendary "Verb names" game.

Henrietta Knight. Did he?

Shut your noise, you facking old cant!

Is it going as well as you hoped Bletch?

i was at st mary's sat + noticed in the first half that the ball was getting bigger! I couldn't understand why at first, then it hit me. Is this any good bletch? It's a joke cos you don't know if the ball is genuine increasing in size or just if one of Fonte's hoofs is aimed at my noggin. I can't claim credit for it tho, it's one of my dad's. He's hilarious . Not to be critical but i didn't like ur dumass, i would of accept dumas or dumbass, i don't think you can meet in the middle like that. Is neither one joke or the other.

My brother grew another foot but he doesn't use it as a rule.

Is it going as well as you hoped Bletch?

It's early days yet BTT.

In a few years' time, I see this thread going on to be crowned "thread of threads" in the Golden threads' thread, "thread of threads" contest.

Everyone loves words, it's just that some don't know it yet.

Beeping Slag.

Essential, if you're going camping.

I though I told you to shut your noise, you facking old cant!

i was at st mary's sat + noticed in the first half that the ball was getting bigger! I couldn't understand why at first, then it hit me. Is this any good bletch? It's a joke cos you don't know if the ball is genuine increasing in size or just if one of Fonte's hoofs is aimed at my noggin. I can't claim credit for it tho, it's one of my dad's. He's hilarious . Not to be critical but i didn't like ur dumass, i would of accept dumas or dumbass, i don't think you can meet in the middle like that. Is neither one joke or the other.

Excellent contribution as usual Bear, I'd like to meet your Dad.

Re the Dumas (elder) reference, I knew you'd get it too quickly unless I obfuscated it a little.

It's roaring with pain, so take an umbrella.

Garden Path Sentences. They are all grammatical, but because of ambiguity we find them difficult to understand (yeah I know, I lifted this off the net).

Fat people eat accumulates.

The cotton clothing is usually made of grows in Mississippi.

The girl told the story cried.

I convinced her children are noisy.

I know the words to that song about the queen don't rhyme.

I though I told you to shut your noise, you facking old cant!

 

Good input Toke, you really are a shining wit!

MVP muthafuka!

OK - from my time in Japan:

A respectable business woman told me she was late as she was at home playing with her pussy and lost track of time. Someone tried to tell me she meant cat, I wasn't having any of it.

Someone else told me she loved the taste of her husband's cock. Again, someone tried to explain this was some kind of cooking of a bird but I wasn't having any of it.

It also works the other way around, I once told a room full of people in Japanese, that I spent my weekend at a rape party (Gocon in Japanese) when unfortunately I meant a group date (Go-com as in go communicate). I tried to explain but they weren't having any of it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Garden Path Sentences. They are all grammatical, but because of ambiguity we find them difficult to understand (yeah I know, I lifted this off the net).

 

Fat people eat accumulates.

The cotton clothing is usually made of grows in Mississippi.

The girl told the story cried.

I convinced her children are noisy.

I know the words to that song about the queen don't rhyme.

Love it, and I've learned something. Garden path sentences, eh?

Eurocrats, give them 25.4mm and they'll take 1.6 KM

A pregnant woman went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

She was having contractions.

Euphemisms for the penis

---

Semolina howitzer

Gloy gun

Penis similies

---

(large penis) Like a baby's arm holding a jaffa orange

(large penis) Like a Vim tin with a sheep's heart on the end

17 posts in and we get to the real objective of the OP.

Bletch your desire for new and inventive spunk viper euphemisms is as obvious as a bear waving his purple-headed womb-broom at a WI meeting.

Blimey

Bletch is trying to steal my long and meandering post title.

FAIL.

He forgot to mention Golf.

Don't worry Phil, I've got it covered.

Euphemisms for the penis

---

 

Semolina howitzer

Gloy gun

 

Penis similies

---

 

(large penis) Like a baby's arm holding a jaffa orange

(large penis) Like a Vim tin with a sheep's heart on the end

To which I might add - like Kojak in a roll-neck jumper.

I knew someone who, when looking for a bar in Moscow one time, got the stress wrong on the Russian word for a bar where one stands up to drink; the word she thus used certainly denotes something that stands up, but not a bar. It took her a while to work out why she got the responses she did.

Don't worry Phil, I've got it covered.

 

The trophy or the bird (who I am sure only DP could name)

Euphemisms for the penis

---

 

Semolina howitzer

Gloy gun

 

Penis similies

---

 

(large penis) Like a baby's arm holding a jaffa orange

(large penis) Like a Vim tin with a sheep's heart on the end

I knew the baby's arm one, but without the jaffa orange though! Surely that would indicate some sort of nasty STI, a big orange bulbous head!!

Garden Path Sentences. They are all grammatical, but because of ambiguity we find them difficult to understand (yeah I know, I lifted this off the net).

 

Fat people eat accumulates.

The cotton clothing is usually made of grows in Mississippi.

The girl told the story cried.

I convinced her children are noisy.

I know the words to that song about the queen don't rhyme.

Eats shoots and leaves

Oi bletch i just made one up myself, check it!

I own a shop right, greengrocers or something. Anyway everyday this woman comes in and says, "Do you know what apple is? Are you sure? Do you want me to explain it to you?" Eventually i had enough and lost my temper, "Stop patronising me!"

Then i punched her in the face + raped her.

 

Then i punched her in the face + raped her.

Keep that type of filth to the main board where it belongs bear!

i think this is prob the best place to discuss what happened on the main board on sat. It needs to be recorded. What happened right, is someone started a thread bout the St. Mary's heart attack man. It was all v.respectful + caring + oh i hope he is ok, and then my old mate Ohio Saint chips in with:

Yeah hope he's ok, i mean unless he's a paedo or something

Forum was outrage! I was a bit lols personally, i mean not against the guy but it takes a certain kind of mind on first hearing of old man having heart attack to idly wonder if he might be paedophile. I tried to smooth the waters by saying that I hope he pulls through even if he is a paedo cos he's still a Saint, but forum was not having it! They was baying for Ohio blood yo + calling to permanently ban this sick fuck! One or two was wondering what was wrong with Ohio. Maybe he is paedo?

Ohio is not understanding why people would support someone if they was a paedo. He really hates paedos! He was v.confused bout this but no-one would explain.

In the end Chalet dropped by + he was strangely lenient + just sanitised the thread + i don't think he handed out fractions or bans. I never got one certainly.

I just wanted to tell you all about it. I am glad to get this off my chest, much like heart attack man i spose who i understand is on road to recovery. RIP

To which I might add - like Kojak in a roll-neck jumper.

 

I knew someone who, when looking for a bar in Moscow one time, got the stress wrong on the Russian word for a bar where one stands up to drink; the word she thus used certainly denotes something that stands up, but not a bar. It took her a while to work out why she got the responses she did.

Who loves you baby?

In a long queue for food on a cross-channel ferry I once asked for a "croissant with strawberry ham".

The French woprds for "ham" and "jam" (jambon and confiture) got mixed up in my head. Everyone in the queue laughed. Stupid language.

I knew the baby's arm one, but without the jaffa orange though! Surely that would indicate some sort of nasty STI, a big orange bulbous head!!

What's on the end of your baby's arm 3B?

I think I'll curate a list of each category of hilarious word puns in the opening post.

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo

Eats shoots and leaves

After eating a nice meal, my new girlfriend and I were making love when the WARNING: Danger-Of-Coming-Too-Quickly alarm suddenly rang in my head. I applied the brakes by silently recounting the entire Saints 1979 League Cup Final team – but, sadly, to no avail: I shot my load, blurting out “Number Eleven – Terry Curran OOOOoooo ooo oo o”… she made me leave shortly afterwards.

After eating a nice meal, my new girlfriend and I were making love when the WARNING: Danger-Of-Coming-Too-Quickly alarm suddenly rang in my head. I applied the brakes by silently recounting the entire Saints 1979 League Cup Final team – but, sadly, to no avail: I shot my load, blurting out “Number Eleven – Terry Curran OOOOoooo ooo oo o”… she made me leave shortly afterwards.

I had a mate who confessed that halfway through ****ging his bird he felt himself about to shoot, so he excused himself saying he needed to pee, finished off in the toilet and then went back to his missus to finish the job off. Apparently she was quite pleased with his duration.

He became known as Anon 'both barrels' Ymous..

That's a high risk strategy bob. I think there is a danger I might just fall asleep straight afterwards disappointing all involved.

That's a high risk strategy bob. I think there is a danger I might just fall asleep straight afterwards disappointing all involved.

I clearly said a mate not "someone I know" or "a friend"

Oh right, yeah sorry 'a mate'. Sorry Bobby both barrels.

i think this is prob the best place to discuss what happened on the main board on sat. It needs to be recorded. What happened right, is someone started a thread bout the St. Mary's heart attack man. It was all v.respectful + caring + oh i hope he is ok, and then my old mate Ohio Saint chips in with:

 

 

 

Forum was outrage! I was a bit lols personally, i mean not against the guy but it takes a certain kind of mind on first hearing of old man having heart attack to idly wonder if he might be paedophile. I tried to smooth the waters by saying that I hope he pulls through even if he is a paedo cos he's still a Saint, but forum was not having it! They was baying for Ohio blood yo + calling to permanently ban this sick fuck! One or two was wondering what was wrong with Ohio. Maybe he is paedo?

 

Ohio is not understanding why people would support someone if they was a paedo. He really hates paedos! He was v.confused bout this but no-one would explain.

 

In the end Chalet dropped by + he was strangely lenient + just sanitised the thread + i don't think he handed out fractions or bans. I never got one certainly.

 

I just wanted to tell you all about it. I am glad to get this off my chest, much like heart attack man i spose who i understand is on road to recovery. RIP

No surprise you were lurking around a heart attack thread Bear. Like a vulcher circling I should imagine, but with the added bonus of preparation time!

Hahaha wtf is a "vulcher"!

Hahaha wtf is a "vulcher"!

Something that vulches, of course. What else could it be?

Dumb bear!

Gift token for a brothel.

Gift token for a brothel.

Isn't that a Groupieon?

Hahaha wtf is a "vulcher"!

Something very wrong when Bearsy is taking on MLG's pedant role

Yeh, sometimes I perform unintended malapropisms. At the breakfast table the other day, I meant to say to the wife 'Please pass the butter', but it came out as 'YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE YOU ****ING *****!' How we laughed!

Oh I get this thread bletch. It's just the Ramires off topic one but with an over long intro.

That's good. For a moment I thought it might end up bring boring but before you know it, we are mugging off bear as usual.

Yeh, sometimes I perform unintended malapropisms. At the breakfast table the other day, I meant to say to the wife 'Please pass the butter', but it came out as 'YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE YOU ****ING *****!' How we laughed!

Very good tpbury.

Today's theme is euphemisms for masturbation (terms or phrases that can follow "I'm off to...") :

See aunty palm and her five ugly sisters

Shake my first at the ex

Release some hostages

Flick the bean (TMS is an equal opportunities forum)

Tokyo says "I am go to watch CBBC"

Oh I get this thread bletch. It's just the Ramires off topic one but with an over long intro.

 

That's good. For a moment I thought it might end up bring boring but before you know it, we are mugging off bear as usual.

If you had read all of the over-long intro, you'd have seen that for every 'contribution' you make you will lose rep points.

Oh and if you share (more) hilarious Japanese word-based puns, you will get infracted.

Move along Toke, this little corner of our forum, this little Eden belongs to the TMS (wannabee) intellectuals.

P.S. It's still OK to mug Bear off.

When I was at Uni, I remember hustling out of the building only to bump into a cleaner. She wasn't happy, asking "Am I invincible?" (meaning invisible, of course). My response was "I dunno. Can you be killed by conventional weapons?"

Last night, I was having a go at the film Bugsy Malone on FB. Specifically, I don't get why the lads sing in adult voices, yet talk in squeaky boys voices. One of Bugsy's defenders piped in with "All films have floors in them". I chuckled a lot, but didn't pull her up on FB. Besides, it's unarguable, floors are pretty standard in most films

That's progress, of a sort. I've slipped on literary standards but grown somewhat as a human

Polish the pea, bash the bishop, Sherman, it was always Rosie Palm and her five sisters, J Arthur, stabbing the cat.

Shouldn't you just provide a link to Barry's Profanisaurus for this kind of stuff?

Are we allowed to vent our pedantic spleen on this, or too highbrow? It seems offense and defense are now standard spellings here, I wonder if people are saying off-fence and dee-fence when they type this out. However, like pap, I don't really give a rat's arse nowadays; it's like staring down a tsunami (which is another euphemism).

Oh yeah, my previous joke was John Cooper Clarke, can't claim to be funny myself.

Tommy tank.