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whelk

The small things in life that annoy you

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People who rush to get behind reporters at outside broadcasts and then act as if they're totally unaware they're in shot of the TV cameras.

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People who are thinking about pulling out of a side road when you are approaching,cant make their mind up and then pull out at the last moment making you brake, only then to go at a slow pace.

The left who proclaim being righteous but hate hearing the other side of the argument

Champagne socialists

Tree huggers

Environmental Campaigners who are happy to cause normal people stress and inconvenience just to make a nuisance of themselves.

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Smartphone zombies. Walk towards you and then when you stop in front of them suddenly look up and wonder where they are.

 

There should be a special lane for them. Preferably down the middle of the road.

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That woman travelling in the middle lane of the M3 at 8:20 this morning, at 45mph in an oversized vehicle, looking terrified. My lights flash and horn peep were ignored. You don't HAVE to travel on the motorway, love, take the A33!

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middle lane drivers...cants

 

cats...****ting in my back garden...bastards

 

BBC Breakfast News...jesus, give us some genuine ****ing world news

 

The One Show...what a ****ig mess

 

People who drop litter

 

All game shows, except the original version of 15 to 1...tosh

 

Discovering your apple has a huge bruise

 

Remakes of classic films.

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Remakes of classic films.

 

Largely agree, although I thought Jackass: The Movie was better than the original 1953 musical.

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cats...****ting in my back garden...bastards

Spread some chilli powder liberally. It's the only way!

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middle lane drivers...cants

 

cats...****ting in my back garden...bastards

 

BBC Breakfast News...jesus, give us some genuine ****ing world news

 

The One Show...what a ****ig mess

 

People who drop litter

 

All game shows, except the original version of 15 to 1...tosh

 

Discovering your apple has a huge bruise

 

Remakes of classic films.

 

BBC Breakfast is a fair shout.

 

Watched it for the first time in ages a while ago and concluded it must be aimed at children and/or mentally challenged.

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middle lane drivers...cants

 

cats...****ting in my back garden...bastards

 

BBC Breakfast News...jesus, give us some genuine ****ing world news

 

The One Show...what a ****ig mess

 

People who drop litter

 

All game shows, except the original version of 15 to 1...tosh

 

Discovering your apple has a huge bruise

 

Remakes of classic films.

 

I’m with you with garden bastards

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Local news on Breakfast Tv telling you to join us again in 30 mins when it is identical news you’ve already heard.

 

Flies

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Unfunny car stickers. May have mentioned before.

 

My other car is a Porsche.

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Unfunny car stickers. May have mentioned before.

 

My other car is a Porsche.

How about “If you can read this sticker - I’ve lost my Caravan!!” ?

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South Today when they interview ‘locals’ about whatever news they’re talking about.

 

Without fail, 100% moron.

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Spread some chilli powder liberally. It's the only way!

 

do I need to repeat after every rain storm or is one experience enough to put the fukkers off for life?

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Spread some chilli powder liberally. It's the only way!

When I was a nipper, My Dad had a Daisy Red Rider BB gun, fired little copper ball bearings ( I always got found out for sneaking it out every bloody Autumn because Dad would be the one to eat the Apple off the tree with the BB in it) I digress. It had a reload action like the rifles in the Cowboy films. Come the spring Dad would have spent Saturday getting the Veg patch ready digging it over, Cats like that, Sunday morning he would be up in the bedroom window waiting like a sniper, knowing next doors moggie would be popping over the fence for its morning constitutional in his veg patch. Sure enough over the fence it came, picked it’s spot in the freshly dug soil, just as it settled to set about the Lords work, Dad had sighted it up and squeezed the trigger, it made a funny pofff sound, bingo direct hit on the backside, the cat was instantly at least 4ft in the air, and just like John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn, reload, pofff with the cat still airborne another BB stings it’s backside, ever seem a cat trying jump up while still airborne bloody funny. Cat eventually touched down and was back over the fence like a rocket not to be seen in our garden for months, so when the Chilli fails you know what to try next.

 

Before anyone gets upset these BBs hardly had any puff, a mate got shot in the foot with it at 10ft and he hopped round the garden for a couple of minutes laughing and crying at the same time, cat was at least 30ft away and probably more startled, as any of us would be, at being tapped on the back just as it was about to curl one out!

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Sharp shooting!

 

I buy the cheap powder from Tesco. Sprinkle some widely around where the intruder has been. It's bound to revisit the same spot. So long as the rain holds off you should be fine for a couple of days and that'll be that. It's a mild irritant. Harmless but effective...

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Another driving one:

 

- those absolute tools that move over to the right before turning left, or vice versa. Just turn the ****ing wheel properly you dumb-ass.

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****ing user unfriendly toilet roll dispensers in restaurants/pubs/public/office toilets.

 

Those ones that crimp the paper so it tears too easily. Very annoying.

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****ing user unfriendly toilet roll dispensers in restaurants/pubs/public/office toilets.

 

Best way to make your displeasure known is with a dirty protest

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Best way to make your displeasure known is with a dirty protest

 

******s who wipe bogies on toilet doors/walls, leaving them smeared there like some kind of trophy. What kind of a cnt does that?

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******s who wipe bogies on toilet doors/walls, leaving them smeared there like some kind of trophy. What kind of a cnt does that?

 

I've always assumed it's the sort of person who wears a tracksuit shopping.

 

It might also be fat, sofa ******s.

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Tennis and more so, the ridiculous noise most of the players (mostly the ladies) make when hitting the ball.

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Tennis and more so, the ridiculous noise most of the players (mostly the ladies) make when hitting the ball.
I think that in order to be fair the receiver should be allowed to make a large scream at any time they choose.

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When comedy starts to believe it’s own hype and ends up parodying itself. A good example being Top Gear, which was funny in its early days but after a while you got the impression the script was just; Jeremy shouts, "power!!!" And breaks something, Hammond has a hissy fit and shouts, "oh Jeremy, you blithering idiot!" Whilst May just drives around going, "oh I’m captain slow, I got lost again, ha ha!"

 

I think the Inbetweeners second movie was probably the worst example. They went from being misfits to being borderline mentally handicapped.

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Car park ticket machines that make you type in your registration number but then time out before you can find the right coins to put in making you go through the whole f*****g procedure again.

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Car park ticket machines that make you type in your registration number but then time out before you can find the right coins to put in making you go through the whole f*****g procedure again.

Car Park Ticket machines that make you type in your Reg number but have an ABC “keyboard” rather than a Qwerty one, but despite knowing your abc’s for the last 50years has you standing there looking a little dense because H isn’t on the middle line and M isn’t on the bottom!!

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Machines that nag at you. Microwaves that keep beeping when they've finished. Washing machines are just as bad.

We got a new washing machine recently that will allegedly save the planet with its efficiency , amazingly for a bloke I had a skim through the book of words that came with it and saw a shirt wash setting. Having been away for just over a week with work I filled it up, spun the dial, and pressed play................nearly FOUR hours!!!!! Until the wash was set to finish????!!!!!!

Still the pretty lights and tinkly tune as it set off on its marathon cheered me up.

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It is impossible to get Weetabix from the packet into the bowl without getting flakes of weetabix all over the Kitchen,

 

The paper it is wrapped in seems to act like a catapult.

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Google search results that don't include one of the words that you typed.

 

There's a reason that I typed it you long-haired, drug-crazed load of adolescent pimple-arsed hippies!

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Google search results that don't include one of the words that you typed.

 

There's a reason that I typed it you long-haired, drug-crazed load of adolescent pimple-arsed hippies!

 

Put it in quotation marks and you will eg "Whitey's lawnmower porn"

 

Tenth result....

c07638e4fbe0b29684d178e412cb64ff--lawn-mower-toro.jpg

 

Twellth...

582e59599364534abbf32d82039dd5ad--lawn-mower-redneck.jpg

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When comedy starts to believe it’s own hype and ends up parodying itself. A good example being Top Gear, which was funny in its early days but after a while you got the impression the script was just; Jeremy shouts, "power!!!" And breaks something, Hammond has a hissy fit and shouts, "oh Jeremy, you blithering idiot!" Whilst May just drives around going, "oh I’m captain slow, I got lost again, ha ha!"

 

I think the Inbetweeners second movie was probably the worst example. They went from being misfits to being borderline mentally handicapped.

 

The Inbetweeners second movie is certainly not the worst example of comedy going bad.

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It is impossible to get Weetabix from the packet into the bowl without getting flakes of weetabix all over the Kitchen,

 

The paper it is wrapped in seems to act like a catapult.

 

Related to this, getting Starburst sweets out of their wrappers.

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People on the radio who use that irritating uptalk? You know, the way of speaking that’s really annoying? It makes every sentence sound like a question? It's usually young women who do it? But not always?

 

Anyone who uses the word ‘like’ all the time. Like, every other word.

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Other drivers, particularly but not exclusively:

 

Those that don’t anticipate an overtaking manoeuvre and either take an age or are too close to the car in front for you to overtake.

 

Those that do 40 regardless of speed limit.

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reporters on news / radio that finish their item by telling us their name, Why do we need to know that, just report the news and that's it.

 

Even traffic reporters on local radio give us their names after telling us about a pot hole on the A3016. Who effin cares.

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I used to get annoyed at the abuse of the word literally. Now I'm more annoyed at the OED for caving ind and acknowledging it so that it literally can now mean figuratively.

 

On the plus side, I can now literally fly over their building and crap in their tea.

Edited by Ohio Saint

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This morning; car insurance and broadband providers.

 

Ah but do they always annoy you. I mean today I'm hacked off about Hampshire's batting and Clermont's fly half but those are things that change all of the time.

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