Upwind

I think my bathroom scales might be faulty. I weighed myself this morning and I was less than a miligram! I was, like, 0mg.

Marti Pellow has left Wet Wet Wet because of arthritis.... ... He feels it in his fingers he feels it in his toes.

Just seen a Coeliac sufferer stuffing his face with a loaf of bread, some breadcakes and Couscous, washed down with a few wheat beers. Must be a gluten for punishment.

One day a Cop pulls a van over and when he walks up to the window he sees ten penguins in the back. The cop asks the man "Are those your penguins?" The man says "Yes, they are my pets." The cop tells the man "You need to take them to the zoo right now." Reluctantly the man agrees and drives off. The next day the cop pulls over the same van and when he walks up to the window he sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses. The cop says to the man "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The man says "I did, today we are going to the beach!"

A man walks into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman, He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The man smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

It's true that alcohol kills......... but look how many are born because of it

A bloke says to his mate "I'm moving to Switzerland..." The mate asks "Why!? What's so good about Switzerland !?" He replies "Well, the flag is a big plus."

Son: Dad, why did you and Mum name my little sister Teresa? Dad: Because we decided that our childrens names should reflect the things we love, and your Mum absolutely loves Easter - and Teresa, is an anagram of Easter! Son: Oh - that makes sense. Thanks Dad. Dad: No problem Alan

There's a prehistoric reason why men love breasts. It's cos prehistoric men loved breasts..

What have a priest & a pint of guinness got in common? A black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one...

Sometimes you just hear what you want to hear. At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour, and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "Sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonight". I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "What she really said was: 666136429."

Started my new job at the Samaritans yesterday and I'm loving it ... My first call was from a Pompey fan who said he was on the train track feeling suicidal. I told him, "Please keep calm and stay on the line."

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whisky please". The barman says "Bells alright"? Quasi replies "Mind your own f**king business"

A guy goes to prison for the first time and finds himself sharing a cell with the biggest guy he has ever seen. On the first night the guy leans over and says, "Alright, mate. You and me are gonna be playing a lot of mummies and daddies in here. So who do you wanna be? The mummy or the daddy?" The new guy thinks to himself that this bloke probably has a massive díck, and decides he would rather 'give' than 'receive'. "Um... erm... well, I suppose I'll be the Daddy then." "A good choice, Mate," Says the big guy. "Now come over here and suck Mummy's cóck."

I asked my mate how he managed to get lots of fat birds into bed with relative ease. He said it was a piece of cake........

I once had to play a game of football on a pitch with hard core scattered on it, 2nd leg of a cup semi-final We lost on aggregate...

I was watching my next door neighbour's 21-year-old daughter sunbathe topless from my bedroom window at the weekend. As I was knocking one out I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert?

My sexy neighbour over the road has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her pleasure herself with my telescope. I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died. His family are taking it hard.

Who's the coolest man in the hospital? The Ultrasound guy.

Yesterday I bought the world's worst Thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it is also terrible.

URGENT HELP REQUIRED..... Does anyone know how to cancel an eBay bid? I put £3 on a cowboy outfit and now I'm 6 minutes away from owning Portsmouth.

I said to my wife, "lets go out to eat tonight." She came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear" reply. So I said to her, "just wear what you had on the last time we went out, you looked beautiful." So there we were in the local steak house, me in jeans and a T shirt, and her in her wedding dress!

I phoned the radio station yesterday. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!" "That fantastic!" I shouted in delight. "Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a maths question." "Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school." "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Sheffield United game and to meet the team after the game what is 2+2?" "7" I replied

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages. For example, in China a dog makes a sizzling noise.