Upwind

Perhaps we could seek guidance from the Eurovision Song Contest organisers.................. they seem to run a tight ship.

I can't believe how many scousers are in the England squad Are we going to Brazil to try and win the world cup or just nick it..?

America are sending an elite unit to Nigeria to find the kidnapped schoolgirls. Britain are sending Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris, Max Clifford and Dave Lee Travis.

The UK have decided to up their game for next years Eurovision. The song isn't written yet but to maximise the chances of winning they are inviting early applications from black, blind, lesbian, albino, transgender, paraplegic dwarves ... any applicants from Norfolk will automatically be accepted...

For those interested - here's a test to determine which party you have most in common with.... http://uk.isidewith.com/political-quiz I turned out to be a Tory with some UKIP tendancies...

Jargen Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man Utd job... but says his brother Klippity might be interested.

"found the 4-inch weapon hidden inside her". Is that all...................I know girls who could fit a Magnum up their chuff.

I get nagged/pecked for for loads of things but here are just a few..........biting my nails, scratching my nuts in company, picking my feet, swearing inapproriately...... at inappropriate times, not listening, rolling my eyes, talking under my breath, being sarcastic, not buying flowers and/or forgetting important dates, critcising her cooking/clothing/weight retention/make-up/driving ability, not having enough patience, not showing sympathy when she is ill, giving her 'love-bites' on her forehead, feeding her dog wine/chocs/nuts etc, not watering plant things, missing the toilet, not putting the seat down after missing the toilet, damp towel issues.............. are a few, there are a others - I'm sure there are.

Many of the above. I also get chapter and verse on work collegues and their 'issues'..... I don't, and never will give a ****..... She insists on telling me plans when I'm ****ed and then reminds me about them a couple of days before the event is happening - when I've already made other plans..... We also have a 'magic' washing up bowl which she always manages to fill (using most of the kitchen utensils) whilst making an easy soup and a sarnie meal........ it then sits there festering until I wash-up.

I ordered a sex toy off the internet. A custom made scale replica of my wife's fanny. I sat waiting for the postman for what seemed like ages. He came down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented, the flaps torn and blowing in the breeze. I thought, they could at least wrapped the fecking thing.......

Yep, quite sad really - she had a sex change later in life............finally did for him though.

Thanks DA. Father has inherited property and intends to pass on to myself and sister (can do this within two years I beleive?). House needs work in order to make it suitable for let - we estimate between £50 - £80k. Questions I have though.......... Do we need to set up as a business? From this initial outlet, can we reduce/claim anything back against individual tax bills? Neither of us are troubling the taxman with our current incomings; however, don't know if we can claw anything back (tax wise) on our outgoings whilst undertaking this work? Not sure if this makes sense, but effectively we are hoping to reduce overall costs by claiming back tax on our expenditure whilst the work is being undertaken.

Property is in West Wight, about a mile and a half from the Needles (by foot). Been looking into this a bit and the tax bit is frightening - Capital Gains Tax and Inheritance Tax come into play I believe. Need a good accountant I think...

My Gran passed away at the end of last year and we are considering the possibility of doing up his house on the IOW and letting it out during the summer. Just wondered if anyone else has done with a property and has any words of advice on the things to do, or the pitfalls to avoid? - especially with regard to setting things up and tax implications. Appreciate any help

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, so what about this one: An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club. The bouncer said............. "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "

He is obviously getting some bad guidance; however, I do hope he gets sent down for 6 months and that a 7ft black man uses him for puppeteer practice. Has anyone ever noticed that Bieber and Cyrus never get seen together............ https://24.media.tumblr.com/bf79040f60478a28658dd3e7e95ae779/tumblr_mzv5ltDMzL1qf71bqo1_400.

Police calm angry crowd at Wrexham's 99p Stores sale............. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-north-east-wales-25823177

I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my ******* fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that the kids ask for. And what happens Christmas morning? - that fat fooker with a beard gets all the credit..! Still I suppose it's my own fault for marrying her.....

I nearly got in a fight in the pub the other night, a red tarmac road kept trying to start on me. My mate said, "don't mess with him, he's a cyclepath".

My wife took us to see the Red Arrows. There were gasps of oooh and ahhh as the crowd watched in amazement. There were plenty of near misses and this had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief. It was a good half hour worth of entertainment, but in the end she finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR_0IeRzEAm-aKdyzPutHwoZLIeu0Ixfg5TLwle39Aj43SJKXV-NA

Imogen Thomas

A woman walks into a chemists and asks, "Do you have any Viagra?" The chemist nods and says "Yes". The lady asks, "Does it work?" "It certainly does" comes the response. She enquires, "Can you get it over the counter?" The chemist says......... "I can, if I take two"..

The Philippine floods are getting worse.............. One young lady from Manilla interviewed on Sky News, was heard to say the water was right up to her boll0cks...

The Filipino Government have thanked the British authorities for the rescue dogs they sent out after the hurricane.............. they said they were delicious.