Upwind

Did anyone else see the irony in the BBC hosting a 'Children in Need' evening...............

I'm fed up with people calling at my door collecting for all sorts of charities. Only last night a young lady was at my door asking for donations for the local sperm bank......... I gave her a right mouthful!

Love hummus with falafel and salad wrapped in flatbread - gorgeous

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2487618/Starfish-wiped-West-Coast-mystery-disease-turns-goo.html Sounds painful.............

My wife walked into the bedroom as I was fookin her twin. 'How could you do that to me' she screamed? 'Sorry - I can't tell the two of you apart' I said defensively. 'He's my flipping brother you *****.'

Does this mean we can have them sectioned if they go off on one during RFW....?

Tenerife. Four hours away and 26-30 degrees at the moment

What's the main cause of paedophilia? Sexy kids

My boss walked straight up to my desk as I was watching porn today and said, "Do you think I pay people to do that"? "Probably" I replied, "You're no looker are you?".

I went to councilling with the missus today. The councillor asked our lass what she thought we had in common. She stated that we liked the same food, had a love for a nice wine and a similar sense of humour - but most importantly, we had our kids. The councillor then turned to me and asked the same question. After a little thought, I said............. "Neither of us suck cock!"

Shaun Cummings?

I'm not saying that I am unlucky.......................... but I just drew Mohammed in the royal baby name sweepstake

Well said

Girl: Helga Boy: Wolfgang

From the Mirror............. "The decision to launch a full criminal investigation on foreign soil is very rare. British police made the announcement after reviewing the case for two years. Detective Chief Inspector Andy Redwood, who is spearheading the inquiry, said: “The review has given us new thinking, new theories, new evidence and new witnesses.” His team – the 37-strong Operation Grange – has re-interviewed witnesses, believed to be British holidaymakers, and obtained new information about the night Madeleine went missing. A small team of officers is expected to head to Portugal within weeks and will be based there for several months" team of 37 officers...!!!

Ac-rb

I've just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding but quite challenging. It took me fecking ages to get her husbands voice right...

The pictures of the little chinese baby who was rescued after blocking the sewage pipe were really heart warming. The nurses have apparently named him Tam Pon.

Most definitely...........YES

I don't fookin believe it............... Hall was/is a legend. A highly intelligent and articulate man - he'll probably be sent down for the remainder of his time on the planet............what a fool

Why did god invent yeast infections? So women know what it feels like to live with an irritating c**t

Hillsborough justice campaigner Anne Williams dies at the age of 60. Family and friends are said to be crushed..................

British Rail are lying bastards! They say if you stand too close to the platform edge you'll get sucked off.... 8 hours... 8 ****ing hours I've wasted today!!!

David Cameron has just sent his offical letter to the Thatcher residence. It starts "I regret to inform you that due to recent events you now have too many bedrooms..."

My Gramps went down to "If I was a rich man" - as a supposedly tight Jock this brought the house down. He did, however leave behind the bar at his wake - which proved that he was indeed a rich man.............