Upwind

This thread rocks.................

Surely Oscar Pistorious can't be the first man to wake up legless on valentine's day and shoot all over his girlfriends face whilst imagining she was someone else........

Apparently another Olympian has been arrested for gun crime...................... Ellie Simmonds is up on a small arms charge.

My missus went to the doctors to see what the spot was between her tits. She returned home, relieved to be told it was her belly button!

I was told earlier that Anal Sex is illegal in Iceland I'm not sure if this applies to Farmfoods also......

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/01/24/article-2267276-172422A1000005DC-635_305x326.jpg

Sue and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Sue went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Sue to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow! Sue shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week - can you do this?" Bob thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!"

I ain't sure who to call so I pop along to his offices to see what they're saying about it. They're a callous bunch at his work. Hardly anyone is wearing black or silently weeping in stationary cupboards. Even his own secretary is dressed up as a slutty elf and openly singing Christmas carols. Fvvcking b!tch. I'm like, "Oh hi I'm here bout the funeral." I'm wondering - was the cupboard also used for office equipment?

If Patrick Moore ever interfered with Uranus, nows the time to mention it..!

Emily Lloyd....................what happened? http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2009/04/10/article-1169075-04649D26000005DC-759_468x593.jpg

That E.L. James is a belter though................ http://marieclaire.media.ipcdigital.co.uk/11116|00006259f|d650_orh100000w272_fiftyshadeS-LP.jpg Perhaps one for the creative imagination to work on............... does the E.L. represent Extra Large?

I remember when I was at school you used to have a ruler, protractor, pencil and calculator for a maths lesson. Apparently nowadays all you need is a rubber............

To celebrate Kate Middleton's successful French banning order, Royal Doulton are releaseing a small set of commemorative jugs..!

http://www.jeanmarcmorandini.com/sites/jeanmarcmorandini.com/files/corps/closer_ne.jpg

So were are the photo's.......... Any links?

COMING SOON 2 YOUR TV: As a result of the growing number of foreigners coming 2 the UK producers have devised the following Channel and shows to appeal to the wider audience............ ...'The Immigrant Channel' with these great shows.... Currynation St Ahmed-dale Bollyoaks Pakorama MiddleEast Enders Britain's Got Taliban U've Been Bombed Big Buddah Postman Pak I'm An Immigrant Get Me In 2 Here Black Peter The Only Way is Allah and for our Israeli friends Scooby Jew.

Comedian Stewart Francis has won an award for the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe. The deadpan Canadian funnyman was given the prize by digital TV channel Dave, whose panel put a selection of their favourites to a public vote. He won for the joke: "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." The British King of the one-liner, Tim Vine, took the runner-up spot for the second year in a row. Vine, who won the award two years ago, appears twice in the list of 10 jokes compiled by the TV channel, as does Francis. The top jokes were: 1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." 2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. " 3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister." 4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case." 5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why." 6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze." 7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating." 8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" 9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad." 10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances." The winning joke was taken from Stewart Francis's current Edinburgh show, Return of the Lumberjacks. David and Victoria Beckham have children called Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper Seven The show, at The Assembly Rooms, is a reunion for Francis and other Canadian comics, Craig Campbell and Glenn Wool. Francis, who made his Edinburgh debut 15 years ago, has made appearances on British TV shows such as Mock the Week and Live at The Apollo. Although born in Canada, both of Stewart's parents are British and he lives in the UK full-time with his Scottish wife. Of his win, Stewart said: "1969 West Mall Soccer Association's Most Valuable Player, and now this." The 10 Dave judges sat through an average of 60 comedy shows. The panel was made up of comedy critics such as Dominic Maxwell of The Times, Mark Monahan of the Daily Telegraph and Bruce Dessau of the Evening Standard. They shortlisted 30 jokes which were then put to a public vote.

People (generally of black origin) who continually say "You know wot I mean" after every f ooking sentence. No, I don't know (or generally care) what you mean, and you make even less sense when you repeat it over and over. I also hate Oh My God (OMG) or derivatives thereof. I wouldn’t object so much if this was used to acclaim a great feat or accomplishment; however, invariably it is uttered to highlight some tedious occurrence that does not warrant it – as in “OMG, have you seen her hair” etc………..

Reports coming in from Portsmouth training ground that a £1 coin was thrown at the players during a training session this morning. Detectives have stated "at this point we can't confirm whether it was a act of violence or a takeover bid.

I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary. I'm a baker by trade. I hate my job, but I need the dough.

Teacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this thing is?" Little billy shouts, "yes sir, my dad has two of them" "TWO?" enquires the teacher in suprise, "yes sir, he has a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!

A man goes for penis extension and the Doc suggests a baby Elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. Six weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels a stirring in his pants and thinks 'this is the night!' While chatting over dinner his cock suddenly flys out, steals some fruit off the table and goes back. 'Wow!' she said, 'can you do that again?' He says 'my cock can but i don't think my arse could take another apple.'

We were broken into over the weekend. Took jewellery, money and have also taken the Missus hostage. They left a note saying: 'DO NOT CALL THE POLICE IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN WE WANT £100,000 FOR HER RELEASE WE ARE VERY DETERMINED WE WILL CALL YOU...! DO NOT CALL THE POLICE They were right about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them today...!

My wife said, switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she ever had to do. Shes obviously never tried sneezing holding a full pint!

Chelsea have been refused planning permission for a statue of Didier Drogba to be erected outside Stamford Bridge. This follows concerns that it may fall over without reason.