Upwind

A man goes to his doctor to collect his test results. "I've got bad news for you," says the doctor, "You've only got 6 months to live. I'd recommend that you marry a chubby woman and mobe to Hull" "Will that cure me?" asks the bloke. "No" replies the doctor, "But it will make the six months seem a lot longer!"

Apparently following yesterdays England game Wayne Rooney was tested for rug enhancing drugs

Where's Penury? ...........worth a visit?

Although I do own my house, is there really any problem with just renting? Having lived in Germany, the Netherlands and Denmark previously I know that 'long term' renting (especially in Denmark) is widespread. We seem to have a society that is set on owning the bricks and mortar and this infatuation seems to burden people and tie people down - could/should we change to a society of renters?

Breaking News: After being snubbed by Ronald de Boer, Liverpool have now approached his brother Rupert..........

Liverpool FC are looking to appoint Ken Dodd as their new manager, that way they won't have to alter the manager's tracksuit.

R.I.P Alan Oakley - the man who invented the Chopper. http://www.bbc.co.uk...mshire-18136787 The family are RALEIGHing around.

The FA have confirmed that Duran Duran are set to release England's Euro 2012 song. "His name is Rio and he watches from the stand"

Seven: Jock Taff Yank Dane Swede Kraut Cypriot

Aguero - 38million Nasri - 23million Tevez - 30million the look on Fergusons face when city score 2 in the last 2 minutes.... PRICELESS......!!!!

I went to a fancy dress party last night - the theme was TV detectives. My black pal Leroy arrived naked, and with a plank of wood up his @rse. Confused I asked, "Who have you come as Leroy?" He replied "Magnum".

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party The musical chairs was a bit slow but f*ck me the pass the parcel was quick!!!

A chemist walked into his shop to find a man bent over and leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he asked his assistant. "He came in for some cough syrup but I couldn't find any - so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives." "You fu**ing idiot" said the chemist.... "You can't treat a cough with laxatives !" "Of course you can" the assistant replied..... "Look at him, he daren't fu**ing cough now !"

The other night my wife agreed to try role play to spice up our love life. So I suggested “You dress up as Whitney Houston and I'll run you a bath” ************************** I was talking to my Grandad the other day and he saying how the cost of living was disgusting..... I said “tell me something I don’t know”, to which he replied, “I can fit my whole fist in Gran’s arse” ************************** A Mum cleaning her 12 year old son’s bedroom finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband, "What do I do?" Her hubby said, "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't f*cking spank him"

The good the Bad and the Ugly

So SHE took you dogging then?

NEWS FLASHES* 1. Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove... 2. A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related... 3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8... 4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency... 5. The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken Italian liner saying "I'm often left abandoned, lying on my side and with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising"

Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria. On the first day of training Kenny Dalglish picks up a ball and says "BALL..." then he does a kicking motion and says, "KICK..." Then he points to the goal and says "GOAL-UNDERSTAND? KICK, BALL, GOAL,...GOOOOAAAL!" The Nigerian says "Excuse me Mr Dalglish, but i speak perfectly good English..." Dalglish says "Sit down son, I'm talking to Andy Carroll..."

"Yeah, that's pretty much what I was talking about in the whats on offer this week. Only found two real no'no's in substitutes ............. It's Heniz baked beans or nothing and don't even think of buying me different razor blades (Even if they are stupidly expensive" With regard to substitutes, I actually prefer Branston's beans and there is always a deal on with them..... Over the last year I have resorted to shaving using a rechargeable razor during the week (which I recharge at work) and save my blade shaves for the weekend or when I'm going out.

I've just failed a Health and Safety course at work. One of the questions was in the event of a fire what steps would you take? Apparently, fecking big ones was the wrong answer! ............................................................................................................ A Black gent goes to the doctors and states, "Every time i have sex with a white woman my eyes begin to sting!" The doctor thinks briefly and says, "That'll be the pepper spray".

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name? "Morris Feinberg," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop." "I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?" "It's like talking to a f...g brick wall."

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out. "Ah, that's nothing" said the 70 year old, "When you are 70 you don't have bowel movement anymore, you take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!" "Actually" said the 80 year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all". "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60 year old. "No, I have one every morning at 6.00. I pee like a racehorse - no problem at all. "So do you have a problem with your bowel movement?" "No, I have one every morning at 6.30 – regular as clockwork". Exasperated, the 60 year old asks, "So you pee every morning at 6.00 and take a dump at 6.30 - what's so bad about being 80?" The eighty year old replies "I don't wake up until 7.00".

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards. No one knows what I'm dealing with.

or....... Fatima Whitbread has been arrested at Heathrow airport after she apparently attempted to smuggle two pounds of crack into the country..........