saintbletch

Elephant #3 is Rallyboy. It's been Bletchentifically proved that Rallyboy only posts in one thread in The Lounge, and he goes and wins the Polly Toynbee award. (I note with interest that the erudite and incredibly handsome - in a Carson from Downtown(sic) Abbey sort of a way - saintbletch came equal 5th despite only posting in The Lounge on a couple of occasions) Elephant #4 is pap. pap, is my brother from another mother (switched at birth by CIA operatives acting on behalf of the Bilderberg Group), but how can someone who is so controversial in The Lounge manage to come second? It's almost like we didn't have enough votes to make these awards meaningful in any way, shape or form bletch you bloody idiot. OR, perhaps everyone secretly believes that Fabregas is a diving crisis-actor, and that Liverpool really is a city of culture. You couldn't make it up. Elephant #5 is dubai_phil (now Grandad). grandad_dubai_phil nearly lost the Colin Mongomerie's Breasts' award for talking about golf on a football forum to "Anyone else". I mean, to come that close to losing out when you are the only person on the forum that even mentions golf is going to be difficult to swallow. As difficult to swallow as the time grandad_dubai_phil proved to Turkish that he'd been chatting with German fans about Adam Lallana (or whatever). There are more elephants, and I could go on.

OK, there's an elephant in the room, Bear. Well, there's a couple. In fact, we've got a bloody memory of elephants here. First elephant is Tokyo-Saint's performance. How on earth do you go from MVP in one year, to not even featuring in the results the next year? I have literally some ideas how that could have happened. Second elephant is Jeff. Now Jeff was worried about being Loki (whatever that might be), and instead won LVP (jointly with Hypochondriac which will be settled by Russian Hangman when Bear's got the gun). Now, I'm no expert, but being Loki is being intentionally unpopular like BF Cry does (due to anger and self-esteem issues), but winning LVP is just being unpopular. Now, between you and me Bear, I don't think Jeff featured in those results before he libellously defamed me. Can it be libel and defamation if it's true?. Anyway, after Jeff posted a load of non-defamatory facts about me, it's clear that posters leapt to my defence and voted Jeff joint-LVP. So either a) Jeff planned it that way all along, or b) he should have embraced the Loki vote and left Bletch alone. There are more elephants. I could go on, and probably will later.

Good question, Bear. We could settle it through Russian Hangman like they did in The Deer Hunter. We'd need a bottle of chilled Absolut Vodka, a six-chambered pistol with only one bullet, a notepad and a pen. I'll get the notepad and pen, if you can get the other stuff.

I did laugh when I saw you coming behind Bridge too far. I made it in that list too, although I didn't come as close to Lou as I'd hoped.

A worthy winner. Nobody could say you didn't deserve it, CB Fry. It's a lesson to the rest of us - look what you can do with little to no talent, if you're prepared to put the hours in. BTW was the reference to 2014 a cryptic suggestion that you might have hung up your boots? I do hope not.

The raw results are now in the first post. I might make some pretty graphs if I get time. Don't ask about Question 12. Please report any perceived errors or omissions to the Awards Committee. Let the spinning of the results commence...

You can't rush probity, Spatlic. I fully expect this process to descend into chaos. Every good thing I've ever tried to do for TMS has (see the hilarious fun with words thread(s) as a case in point), and this will be no different. Last year, the Awards were run by Les frères de Chuckle, and through a combination of dishonesty and innate incompetence, the results should have been declared null and void. Toke as MVP - I ask you. Next we'll be playing World Cups in the Qatar. After that debacle, these awards will be the most open and honest in the 2 year history of the TMS Awards. It will mean that I haven't won anything - I know that is difficult to believe, but it's true. And with all the effort I put TMS this year, that makes me sad - in both senses of the word. But what makes me happy, is the knowledge that (if you give me a little time), these results will stand any scrutiny. Bletch != Blatter. Not on my watch.

Bear with me. (what an image!) The data munging is taking a little longer than I thought.

OK, I had to wrangle the data a bit - see before and after here. I also received zero votes via PM, which means that because I stupidly made the process transparent, I haven't won anything - again. 1 -> The Bamber Gascoigne "started so you'll finish" Award for Main Board Sense + Knowledge Poster of the year Unique votes in the category are: -> CB Fry -> Colin JB -> Turkish -> K. Billy's Supersound -> Kraken -> Sour Mash -> Minty -> Window Cleaner -> SandwichSaint -> Chez -> Redslo -> Shurlock -> Monk -> There is a main board? -> St. Chalet -> Smirking_Saint -> MLG -> Unbelievable Jeff Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 8 K. Billy's Supersound 1 8 Minty 1 8 Redslo 2 7 Monk 3 5 Kraken 3 5 Chez 4 4 Window Cleaner 4 4 St. Chalet 4 4 Shurlock 4 4 Smirking_Saint 4 4 MLG 5 2 Sour Mash 6 1 CB Fry 6 1 Colin JB 6 1 Turkish 6 1 SandwichSaint 6 1 There is a main board? 6 1 Unbelievable Jeff 2 -> The Polly Toynbee "Liberal Elite" Award for Lounge Poster of the Year Unique votes in the category are: -> CB Fry -> Viking Warrior -> View from the Top -> Turkish -> Buctootim -> Bridge too far -> pap -> minty -> Rallyboy -> verbal -> trousers -> Bearsy -> saintbletch (when he can be arsed) Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 15 Rallyboy 2 14 pap 3 7 Buctootim 4 5 CB Fry 4 5 verbal 5 4 View from the Top 5 4 Bridge too far 5 4 saintbletch (when he can be arsed) 6 3 Turkish 6 3 minty 7 2 trousers 8 1 Viking Warrior 8 1 Bearsy 3 -> The Waldorf and Statler "Who's Hand is up my Arse" Award for Muppet of the Year Unique votes in the category are: -> pap -> Halo Stickman -> Goatboy -> Bletch -> Tokyo-Saint -> Bearsy Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 21 Bearsy 2 14 Bletch 3 8 Goatboy 4 6 Tokyo-Saint 4 6 Halo Stickman 5 3 pap 4 -> The "WTF is a Loki, Bear?" Award for Forum Loki of the Year (Mischief maker apparently) Unique votes in the category are: -> CB Fry -> Grey Crab -> Alpine_Saint -> Window Cleaner -> Glasgow Saint -> Charlie -> Batman -> Pastor Patron -> urksh1T -> Barry Sanchez -> Unbelievable Jeff Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 13 CB Fry 2 7 urksh1T 2 7 Barry Sanchez 3 6 Pastor Patron 3 6 Glasgow Saint 4 5 Unbelievable Jeff 4 5 Grey Crab 5 4 Window Cleaner 6 2 Batman 7 1 Charlie 7 1 Alpine_Saint 5 -> The "FA Rules & Governance - Law 11 Award" for Female Poster of the Year Unique votes in the category are: -> Coxford_lou -> Ladysaint -> Georgie -> Pinkscarf -> Bletch -> Bearsy -> None -> Bridge Too Far -> suewhistle -> Wibble Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 17 Coxford_lou 2 11 Bridge Too Far 3 10 Bearsy 4 8 suewhistle 5 4 Ladysaint 6 3 Georgie 7 2 Wibble 8 1 None 8 1 Bletch 8 1 Pinkscarf 6 -> The Barbara Cartland "Kiss me upstairs, not downstairs" Award for Love Story of the Year Unique votes in the category are: -> Bletch ♥ CB Fry -> Kraken and Turkish -> CB Fry ♥ Turkish -> Whelk ♥ CB Fry -> Sue Whistle ♥ Turkish -> pap ♥ Barry Sanchez -> Bearsy ♥ Tokyo-Saint -> MLG ♥ Prayers -> Coxford_lou ♥ Plastic Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 18 pap ♥ Barry Sanchez 2 9 Bearsy ♥ Tokyo-Saint 3 7 MLG ♥ Prayers 3 7 Whelk ♥ CB Fry 4 5 CB Fry ♥ Turkish 5 4 Bletch ♥ CB Fry 5 4 Sue Whistle ♥ Turkish 6 3 Coxford_lou ♥ Plastic 7 1 Kraken and Turkish 7 -> The Alan Carr "No man's behind left" Award for Fallen Comrade and Most Missed Poster Of The Year Unique votes in the category are: -> Deppo -> Ron Manager -> Glasgow -> Spudders -> Ottery St. Mary -> Tokyo-Saint -> Dune -> Clapham Saint -> Barry Sanchez Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 12 Spudders 2 11 Barry Sanchez 3 10 Deppo 4 7 Ottery St. Mary 5 5 Tokyo-Saint 6 4 Dune 7 1 Glasgow 7 1 Ron Manager 7 1 Clapham Saint 8 -> Best thing to happen on Saintsweb this year Unique votes in the category are: -> Defector's watch -> Bletch versus CB Fry - This time it's personal -> Glasgow being banned -> Summer meltdown turning into autumnal content -> Barry Sanchez being banned -> Crab Lungs "The mess we're in" Thread -> Bear posting a picture of Morgan Schneiderlin -> Barry Sanchez - A Man For One Seasons -> Barry Sanchez coming back from the dead by paying £5 -> MLG going mental over kind comments about Clarke Carlisle -> only to be re-banned an hour later -> The 'Barry and pap meet up on a date' thread. Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 16 Barry Sanchez coming back from the dead by paying £5 1 16 only to be re-banned an hour later 2 15 The 'Barry and pap meet up on a date' thread. 3 8 Summer meltdown turning into autumnal content 3 8 MLG going mental over kind comments about Clarke Carlisle 4 7 Glasgow being banned 5 6 Bletch versus CB Fry - This time it's personal 6 4 Defector's watch 6 4 Barry Sanchez being banned 7 1 Crab Lungs "The mess we're in" Thread 7 1 Bear posting a picture of Morgan Schneiderlin 7 1 Barry Sanchez - A Man For One Seasons 9 -> The Tokyo Saint "Most Vacuous ***** 2013" Award for Most Valuable Poster 2014 Unique votes in the category are: -> CB Fry -> pap -> Smirking_saint -> Halo -> Bletch -> trousers -> Bearsy -> Fowllyd Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 19 Bearsy 2 9 pap 3 7 Bletch 4 6 trousers 4 6 Halo 5 5 Smirking_saint 6 3 Fowllyd 7 1 CB Fry 10 -> The Osama Bin Laden "That ruined my day" Award for Least Valuable Poster 2014 Unique votes in the category are: -> Window Cleaner (at the moment) -> Turkish -> Roger -> View from the top -> Big Bad Bob -> UnbelivableJeff / DPS / Sarb / Can anyone tell me how to park properly -> Wes Tender -> Tokyo-Saint -> Bearsy -> Hypochondriac -> Saint in Paradise -> Barry Sanchez -> Ludwig -> cb fry Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 10 UnbelivableJeff / DPS / Sarb / Can anyone tell me how to park properly 1 10 Hypochondriac 2 8 Window Cleaner (at the moment) 3 6 Roger 3 6 Wes Tender 3 6 Barry Sanchez 4 3 Saint in Paradise 4 3 Tokyo-Saint 4 3 Ludwig 5 1 Turkish 5 1 Big Bad Bob 5 1 Bearsy 5 1 View from the top 5 1 cb fry 11 -> The saintbletch "Oxymoronic Approbatory Opprobrium" Award for Mod of the year **NEW for 2014 Unique votes in the category are: -> JustMike -> The Little Man -> Jimmy_D -> St. Chalet -> Saint-Armstrong (More like a sort of community support Mod - than a real Mod) -> The Man Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 12 St. Chalet 2 3 Jimmy_D 2 3 Saint-Armstrong (More like a sort of community support Mod - than a real Mod) 2 3 The Man 2 3 JustMike 3 1 The Little Man 13 -> The Colin Montgomeries's Breasts' award from contribution to golf discussion on a football forum Unique votes in the category are: -> Anyone else -> grandad dubai_phil Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 15 grandad dubai_phil 2 11 Anyone else 14 -> The Richard Fairbrass Award for most homoerotic use of kettlebells Unique votes in the category are: -> Anybody else -> Turkish Results for this category are: # Votes Voted for -- ----- --------- 1 21 Turkish 2 5 Anybody else

Voting closed. Well, voting will remain open for another 10 minutes because in my Staropramen-sponsored stupor, I forgot to vote!

OK Muppets, you only have a few hours left to register your vote (sorry, that should be votes - Toke). We've had a massive 25 votes so far, but something is wrong with the voting form as it appears that in some of the categories in which I'm nominated, I don't even feature in the top 3 votes (or Other category). In fact I'm coming last in the "Best use of a geeky Word Cloud" category. So something has obviously gone wrong with Google's infrastructure, or they've been hacked by Anonybletch. Remember, that if you can't be arsed to register a Google account - PM me with your votes. This also gives me an excellent way of fixing the vote as nobody will know how many PMs I've had ! So if you haven't votedbletch yet, you can votebletch, here - http://goo.gl/forms/zEExSdrEzj.

Is that the act of "Giving someone head" that I've read about? If so, I don't know what all the fuss is about.

EDIT. I would like to post two qualifications here, voters, ehm Muppets. I'd like to add pap, to the list. So the rest of you can go **** yourselves and pap. Secondly, I'd like to point out that the **** in that sentence should be replaced with either f*ck or purchase a pint - on me and reward depending on whether you voted for me in any of the categories of the 2014 TMS Awards (Voting now open) **22 votes cast - but still too many votes for Bear for it to be statistically significant.

Classy Jeff. Well played. For the record, I did PM Jeff yesterday to take this offline. We decided that rather than fight each other in a vat of baby oil for lou's pleasure, we would instead shake electronic hands and forget about it. (I can't guarantee that others will!) I mean, everyone could see you were really stressed, saying ridiculous things like Bletch isn't funny, Bletch communicates with an authority above his status, Bletch can go **** himself (I've already stated that isn't remotely possible). But, when you suggested that I should ask Toke for tips on how to be funny, I knew there was a serious problem. We've got a Bear, we've got a Bear wannabe (who's 78% as funny as him - that's fallen since a high of 87%), so we don't need another one. I know you didn't mean any of the things you said. Jeff? JEFF? Anyway, I like to think that I till the soil of this little corner of TMS, and care for the seeds that I plant deep inside mother earth, so that in time, and with a fair wind, I will cause a little smile to grow on the face of Halo or Flyd Owl. The rest of you can go **** yourselves...

You are such a tart, lou. You didn't even know who I was two days ago (I'm over it, didn't give it a second thought actually. *****.). Oh yeah. Thanks lads. Words of 'support' after I've been near mauled to death by a forum Loki nominee are all well and good, but I would have much preferred an X next to my name on the voting form, so that I could beat that unfunny, ursine un-Muppet Bearsy. Alright Bear. I was just talking about you with some of the voters, I mean 'guys' (and lou). You ain't lying re-Toke. He's the real problem. I mean because of him, I've got the voting form locked down tighter than the TSW Curry Cashbox. I've got this image in my mind of the good people of TSW queuing up to elect me "MVP", only to find the voting restrictions are so oppressive, that they don't bother. Instead, all the form no-marks login in and vote for you. Still 15 good men and true have managed to cast their votes. But, I've checked and I'm not completely sure if that is enough to declare the result as statistically significant. If we get more votes (for me) in the next few days, then the results might just stand. BTW, you unintentionally spelt my name a Beltch instead of Bletch. Again. Toke's a ****.

You've only typed what everyone's been thinking for years - including Mrs Bletch, so don't be too hard on yourself when you look back in a few days and think that you might have suffered a post-Xmas, hyper-hubris moment. I deserve most of that. The thing I do take exception to, is the use of the term 'little'. If I'm a prick, then I'm a big prick, or a complete prick, or a total prick. Little is harsh. Oh, and I also take exception to the fact that Toke is funnier than me. Humour is subjective I know, but that news has hit me hard. Perhaps I'll just have to try to deal with the fact that someone on an Internet forum thinks I'm unfunny. I'll work on that. If I offended you, that wasn't my intention. I was aiming for banter. So, if you'd like me to edit my post to remove mention of you, I'd be happy to (you might also have to edit your quote too, and contact a few others that have now quoted it). Just let me know. Anything else? Oh, yes, I can't comply with the **** myself bit either. For shame I can't think of an orifice that I might reach. I always wished that I'd been blessed with a more flexible spine - in lieu of those critical extra millimetres (well, who am I kidding - I'm a few yards short if I'm honest). Oh, and for the record I never nominated you for Loki either. 2 out of the 7 people that nominated did. That's ~28% of people (who expressed a preference) that felt you needed to appear on the voting form. Finally, I feel like I'm treading on eggshells here, but I do feel I should mention it. Google self-deprecation, it's the sort of trait that means you can post on an Internet forum without falling out with people (too often). x I've, just re-read that. My God, I am a complete arse aren't I.

I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm just a jealous guy. The people have spoken, Sarb. You think you've got problem. I've put all this effort in, only to find I'm less popular than you! No offence. Well, a little. But, my point stands. Unfortunately, the nominations closed on Boxing Day. The problem is that as the votes have 'literally' poured in (11 of them), it would be Blatteresque for me to change the voting process now. Sorry, Turks. But, you can still lodge your vote here. P.S. Help DPS to rid himself of his Xmas hubris, by voting for him in the "have drive, have car, lack the spatial awareness to combine the two" category. I knew you were going to ask for that, lou.

That's not our Bear, Clit Sap. Our Bear, well, how can I put this...he sings with the Birmingham Male Voice Choir (castrato).

I still don't see a denial there Lou. You choose your orifice, and I'll choose mine thank you very much Tokyo-Saint. Thanks for the Sherry, Splatic. But to be honest I've always been more of a Massandra 1775 man, than a fan of the cream of Bristol. So, what you do Gay Boot, is hold the mirror between your feet; making sure you don't topple off the toilet, then you get both a clear view and the use of both hands.

OK Muppets, thanks for the literally 7 contributions (of which one was my own) for the nominations for this year's awards. I've tried to collate all of the suggestions into the voting form which is now live. Some notices: - You will have to have a Google account to vote - or PM me. See below. - You will only be able to vote once (unless you create multiple Google accounts - Toke) - All contributions are anonymous and are not identified to me (or anyone else) in any way, so there is no way of knowing who voted for who (unless you use a unique way of communicating such as " all the best ones is ban... erm... cb fry pls!") - Once you've voted you will not be able to change your vote - All results will be collated in a Google Sheet and will be shared with you immediately - so everyone can see the state of the current votes - Most categories will allow you to select up to 3 votes - I will accept votes by PM. Send me a message with each category and your corresponding votes. - The polls will close on New Year's Eve 2014 at midnight (ish - depending on how many Limoncello I've had) You can vote here. http://goo.gl/forms/zEExSdrEzj P.S. If there any errors or omissions in the form, please let me know quickly.

Listen, Four Cox Dol, when you've got 2 alpha-males like CB Fry and me, strutting and rutting on public display, what you saw on that thread WAS flirting. With our reputations, we can't just stroll into a thread and say "Look at me boys, I'm a female in TMS, oh stop it Plastic. That's right keep talking about me. Oh Plastic, stop it. Did everyone see me and Plastic? Stop it, Plastic! I feel bad about how I treated Plastic. Did everyone see me and Plastic" Get a room! No, we've got to maintain a mask of masturbartory machismo. After that thread, CB Fry "asked me out" in a PM and we've been "going steady" ever since. By the way, how did you get the name Four Cox Dol? It is was after a film you starred in? If so, I think I might be familiar with your work.

That's a lot of Carson, Toke. Is "taking the dogs for a swim" some sort of sexual metaphor? As in, "I took the dog for a swim from behind"? Or, "Toke, have you been taking the poor bloody dog for a swim again?" Re the Google account, well you can always put in a postal vote. Just PM me with your votes and I'll make sure they get #votebletch transcribed faithfully into the results spreadsheet.

OK, I don't want to influence the vote in any way #votebletch, but seeing as some people haven't seen the CB Fry / Bletch love-in.... Start here and read forward... http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/showthread.php?51659-September-One-Judgement-Day&p=2047396#post2047396 I actually got fan mail believe it or not. I only ever get PMs from pap (politics and programming) and Toke (requests to go on Jeremy Kyle with him to prove that I'm not really his biological father, oh and labaporn). But following the exchange with CB Fry, people took the time to put metaphorical pen to metaphorical paper and thank me for bullying the bully. As I say, don't let this influence you #votebletch, when you come to #votebletch in the votes for the in the upcoming 2014 #votebletch Awards. I'll get the voting form live soon with the suggested nominations. Toke's a ****.

Don't worry Toke, some of the people that could be arsed to nominate posters said that they were happy with last year's categories. So as you were in a few categories last year, you'll still be on the ballot paper. Good Christmas, Toke?