Upwind

BREAKING NEWS: Trumps Library has burned down. The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished colouring the second one.

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse. "I want a female horth." He said to a dealer, who shows him a mare. "Nithe horth, Can I thee her eythe?". The dealer picks him up and shows him its eyes. "Nithe eyeth, Can I thee her teeth?" He lifts the dwarf up and shows him her teeth. "Nithe teeth, Can I thee her twot?". So the dealer lifts him up and shoves his head up the mares fanny and pulls him out a few seconds later. "I'll reefwaze that, Can I thee her wun awound?" ...

Donald Trump steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “Donald Trump Sucks” written in urine across the snow. Well, he's is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff’s HQ, and yells “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Whoever did it had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!” The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Trump hollers “Well dammit, don’t just sit there! Get out and find out who did it! I want an answer, and I want it tonight!” The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says: “Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?” Trump says “Give me the bad news first.” The officer says “Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Mike Pence’s urine.” Trump says “Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president! Damn. ...Well, what’s the really bad news?” The officer replies “Well, it’s Melania’s handwriting.”

I went to the doctor and told him I had hurt my peni$ in a surfing incident. He said "did you fall off your surf-board?". "No, I closed my laptop on it when the wife walked in".

I've started to routinely look out for the nurse who visits our pregnant next door neighbour every day.... The thing is I'm not sure if it is actually her I fancy, or if I've got a nurses uniform fetish. Could it be I'm going through a midwife crisis?

I let rip a right fart on the bus on the way home. The four people in front of me all turned around. It was just like being on The Voice...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Really funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you because you're not a monk.

I bought the missus a bag and a belt for Christmas. She wasn't as happy as i thought she would be. Ah well never mind, the hoover is picking up great now.

When my Grandad was ill, my Grandmother smeared butter all over his back and arse cheeks. He went downhill very quickly after that.

CREATING A PASSWORD cabbage Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. boiledcabbage Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. 1 boiled cabbage Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. 50flamingboiledcabbages Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. 50FLAMINGGboiledcabbages Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. 50FlamingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. NowIAmGettingReallyHackedOff50FlamingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately Sorry, that password is already in use.

It says in the evening paper that a dog ran 31 miles to return a stick that it's master had thrown for it. Seems very far fetched to me....

I think mountains are funny - in fact I'd go as to say they're hill areas.

Jimmy Savile wasn't as bad as people make out, when I was a boy he fixed it for me to milk a cow blind folded.

New commemorative plate

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

I've just driven past a field, where I saw a scarecrow trying to have a w4nk. I think he's clutching at straws...

On the Trump/Clinton sexual predator stakes there was a great tweet doing the rounds yesterday... somebody tweeted ...... Trump: Don't judge me on the man I was 10 years ago, judge Hillary on the man her husband was 20 years ago... Makes me laugh that the competition comes down to the lesser of 2 unpleasant options....... really it makes our politicians look like bastions of society...

Teacher draws a wee wee tail on the blackboard and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this thing is?" Little billy shouts, "yes sir, my dad has two of them" "TWO?" enquires the teacher in surprise, "yes sir, he has a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth!

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention. Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?" Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety?" Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands shouting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!" Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, "What is 2 plus 2? "Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream.............. "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Sam Allardyce is a disgrace and needs to be punished, humiliated and made an example of. Therefore he should continue as England manager

Paul Gascoigne has just arrived at FA HQ with two fishing rods and a loaf of bread stating he is a friend of Big Sam...

Man walks up to a woman at a bar and says "You know, tomorrow there'll only be seven planets". Puzzled, the woman asks why. He replies "Because tonight, darling, I'm going to destroy Uranus".

"Mum! I'm going out!" You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!! "Why?" Because I can see your balls, Richard.

I was walking through Portsmouth today, when I was stopped by a representative from 'Aquafresh toothpaste'. "Did you know?" she said, "That the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?" "We're in Portsmouth" I replied, "The average person has only got 30% of their teeth!"

Just got some sausages from Sainsbury's with a picture of Jamie Oliver on the packet. On the back it says 'P rick with a fork'. Can't argue with that really..................