qwertyell

Tuchel absolutely fucked it. Southgate would've been buried for that tactical disaster class. His entire reputation has been built on parking the bus to an unlikely champions league win with Chelsea. He was shite at PSG, and is about the only Bayern Munich manager in 15 years to not win a the one team Bundesliga. Aimlessly throwing on more defenders - none of whom could block crosses or mark shorter players in the box - was amateur hour. Just handed all the momentum to Argentina. Another Harry Kane no show, by the way, at the business end of a tournament. Total passenger out there. Happens every time: fills his boots in the groups, then disappears as the stakes rise. Got what we deserved, unfortunately.

Unlike the clueless Argentina manager, who has (checks notes) won the World Cup.

We're definitely the 4th best team of the 4 semi finalists. You can't keep scraping by and saying "we can play better" - at some point you actually do have to play better, or conclude that, in fact, the performance level was the best you can do. Expectations are pretty low for tonight, but you never know. Argentina aren't too amazing either.

Yeah, I'm less worried about strikers who miss chances than strikers who are nowhere to be seen when the chances arrive. I think it's probably easier to improve the former than the latter.

No-one going to make an Ivan the Terrible quip? I guess I'll have to step up, then. (Seems a decent hold up player and physical presence - which is what we need - and with a season of Championship football under his belt, should be well-adjusted to the league. Not the worst link.)

I'd take Ashley Phillips at CB whether anyone leaves or not. He's a unit and a half, and unlike Quarshie doesn't look like he's got clown shoes on the wrong feet whenever he's got the ball.

England's last five major tournaments: World Cup semi finals, Euros runner up, World Cup quarter finals, Euros runner up, World Cup semi finals*. Must be the best run of form we've ever had, and yet I can't really remember us playing well at any point. Funny old game.

Jander was there, learning the Macarena.

Bobby Martin and Jude Daniels have a bit of hype around them. Let's see if they stick around long enough to make a first team appearance, or fuck off to Chelsea or Man City at the nearest opportunity.

This lad's gone to Preston permanently, BTW.

And fire him there.

France are such big favourites that it just feels inevitable that they'll stuff it up somewhere, somehow. Morocco did for Spain on penalties at the last WC. You never know...

Is it one of Ralph Krueger's mythical pledges that the club must re-sign an over-the-hill splitter every season? Hard to make progress when you keep looking (and passing) backwards.

Because they're all worn out from spending every day chasing after Speedy Gonzalez? What a completely baseless assertion. Mexico aren't some footballing backwater who've just gotten up off the couch to discover the game for the first time. They've got good players, they're well organised, and they'd be tough opponents in any conditions.

Good thing Harry Kane is so conditioned to carrying absolute dog shit from his days at Spurs.

The sad reality is he's both shite and our most effective creative player. England might turn this around, but this squad is nowhere near the elite.

Only Pickford (by default) and Kane would make the Golden Generation XI. Bellingham, Rice, and Saka would probably be in the squad. I suppose you could make a case for Alexander-Arnold being a better back up right back than most, but he's not presently even considered a better right back than, erm, Jarell Quansah by the geniuses in charge. The rest of this current bunch are incredibly average. Let's say (26 man squad): GK: Pickford, James, Robinson/or a decrepit, barely mobile Seaman DF: Neville, Alexander-Arnold, Carragher, Ferdinand, Terry, Campbell, A. Cole, Bridge MF: Beckham, Lampard, Gerrard, Scholes, Rice, Carrick, Hargreaves, Bellingham, J. Cole, McManaman FW: Rooney, Kane, Owen, Saka, Heskey Pointless, Sunday afternoon exercise, I know. But you could cobble together a handy side from that, I reckon. Probably woudn't even need to spy on our opponents to get a point.

To be fair, for the final 20 minutes, both teams looked like they'd pretty much agreed to shake hands on a draw and go through the motions. And then in the last minute of injury time, Algeria attacked out of nowhere and scored - the old rope a dope. Which in turn led to Austria throwing the kitchen sink at them in the final seconds remaining, to avoid elimination (and possibly a diplomatic incident).

We're not beating Mexico in Mexico, should we get by Congo.

Argentina are going to get into the quarter finals without playing a single serious team all tournament. It's going to be them or France again. No-one else looks remotely impressive.

Reece James ruled out for at least the next two games with his perennially dodgy hamstrings. Darren Anderton was less of a sick note.

He might choo-choo choose us. Wait - are we still doing this?

He hasn't been "on it" in years. His breadstick hamstrings won't even allow him to break into a sprint these days. Perisic gave him the runaround in the previous match - and he's a million years old.

He can't defend, haven't you heard? Unlike Reese James, who can't defend or attack.

Southgate would've been buried for that performance. I don't know who Barcelona's head of recruitment is, but spending £80m on Anthony Gordon, who couldn't dribble past a cadaver, is probably a war crime. Konsa definitely should've been penalised for a blatant foul in the box - and I'm not sure how Pickford got away with cleaning out a Ghana guy when he was going through. Could really have lost that.