Here, the rivalry is closer to the whole of the truth and it is kept relatively in-house. Portsmouth and Southampton might not win another trophy between them in the next 50 years; the chances are probably in favour of that slightly bleak reality. But you will always have that day when you won away at them.
6. The weather
There is nothing anyone can do about this: the best derbies, particularly between comparatively non-elite teams, are played in wind and rain. You get the obvious advantages: ball zipping quicker across the pitch, potential problems of goalkeeper handling, the chance of a defensive mistake and sliding tackles extending further.
But there is also a temporary seasonal affective disorder that seems to affect players in these conditions, as if the stormy weather has whipped up their own tension to the point of overflowing. So yeah: “It was the rain and wind that made me push that bloke into an advertising hoarding.”
7. The fight
Southampton’s Flynn Downes clashes with Zak Swanson of Portsmouth (Photo: Getty)
Referee Lewis Smith deserves huge credit for managing Sunday’s game expertly: every decision right, didn’t bring out yellows early, calmed down nonsense and dealt with the one big scrap sensibly.
But that fight was monumental. A clash on the far touchline led to first a two-person altercation and then a melee that involved all 22 players. Every time you see both goalkeepers pushing opposition players around near the halfway line, you know they have lost control.
At that point Fratton became a boxing crowd, urging vengeance and violence with some of those fans roughly a metre from the scrap. Smith had little choice but to watch the pockets of trouble from a distance, like an ice hockey official working out who to send to the sin bin. Obviously nobody likes to see this (ahem).
8. The goal celebrations
There were two goals, diametrically opposite in aesthetic. Southampton’s opener involved a beautiful touch-and-pass in one movement from Finn Azaz and a fine run and finish from Leo Scienza. Ebou Adams equalised from a set-piece aerial scramble with an accusation of handball over the bundled finish.
But they shared something brilliant. With Scienza scoring at the opposite end to the away supporters, he ran the entire length of the North Stand, cupping his ear as he went, to end his sprint in front of the red-and-white mass.
So what did Adams do? He ran the entire length of the North Stand, whipping up his arms as he went, and ended his own 100-yard run at one corner of the Fratton Stand. Was this grown-up behaviour? Absolutely not. Was it wonderful for a watching neutral? Oh yes.
9. The laughable idiots
The Portsmouth pitch invader is escorted off the pitch by a steward (Photo: Getty)
After Southampton scored the opener, one Portsmouth-leaning chap did an immediate homage, getting onto the pitch and ambling all the way down to the Southampton supporters. He did so without a steward stopping him.
The gentleman proceeded to goad the away end, indicated that he had a large appendage and then pulled up his shirt to reveal a significant belly – all paid for – as he was being led away. Hope it was worth it.
Later in the half, another Portsmouth fan got on – nearer the away end this time. As well as being taunted by the away supporters, he was also targeted with a metal crutch that then – amusingly – had to be passed back up through the Southampton supporters by the stewards.
Both supporters were led away and will presumably not attend a match at Fratton for a very long time; they are a pair of dolts. But these are also the scenes nobody likes to see that you secretly like to see a bit.
10. The scoreline
The derby finished 1-1. It became stretched towards the end and Portsmouth looked the more likely to score, but were also absolutely knackered by the energy expended in getting back into the game against a supposedly higher class, and certainly more expensively assembled, opponent.
I am calling it: 1-1 is the perfect derby scoreline. It has to be a draw, because football has somehow been deliberately designed to make the vast majority of us never quite reach the top or bottom of the emotional spectrum; there is always another peak to climb or barrel to be scraped.
And 1-1 fits in everything we need from a derby snugly. It is never not competitive. Both sets of supporters get the moment of elation, be it taking the lead or celebrating an equaliser. Both get the fear too: “We are losing in the worst game possible” and “We have cocked it up despite leading”.
And you walk out of Fratton, whether you are a Portsmouth fan, Southampton fan or me, feeling simultaneously sated and wanting more. You hate derby days until the final whistle, at which point you can’t wait for the next one. And that is exactly how it should always be.
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I didn’t realise the pitch invader was a butch lesbian.
Daniel Storey is an excellent journalist. Always insightful
