qwertyell

He's apparently 6' 2". The smallest 6' 2" I've ever seen. Must've been wearing platform shoes on height measuring day. This is one of my main concerns with him - he can't get to the corners. He's small and has a feeble leap/dive. Shots don't even have to be that close to the corners and he still gets nowhere near. Those that talk about him having potential and just needing more experience are, I think, missing the bigger issue: he doesn't have the fundamental tools to be a top goalkeeper, IMHO.

Is that his full name?

Have you not seen the routine? Keeper passes to CB. CB doesn't know what to do and passes it back to the the keeper. Keeper hoofs it 65 yards into touch. Might as well cut out the middle man and launch the goal kick from the off.

Vitinha's release clause is reportedly £26m. So if we want him, we don't need to waste time haggling. But Braga are having a great season and are second in the league. Why would he leave to play hoofball at the arse end of the PL when his team are in a title race?

What to make of that? Second half was a lot better - yet we still looked a bit of a rabble that weren't sure what they were doing, and Newcastle scored, and missed three sitters. We could've been on the end of a hiding in spite of seemingly doing all right. Armstrong's handball was as bad a fluffed chance as Adams' earlier miss. It was a tap in. The only reason it bounced into his hand was because he fucked up the shot. Shame - Armstrong was actually one of our better players tonight. Don't know where we go from here. We're terrible in front of goal and always liable to concede. And the manager's on TV now doing a fucking lap of honour, bollocking on about how proud he was with our performance... "We are so close to being a good side. So close." If it wasn't for all the losing, eh?

What a hoofing load of shite. Could barely string two passes together, and have mostly resorted to long punts. Jones-ball in action. Salisu's been in the mood - must be trying to reignite Newcastle's interest from last year. Think Diallo's been quite good (unpopular opinion alert). Out of possession anyway - he's intercepted and tackled well. We know his passing is rubbish. Mara relatively bright up front, feeding on less than scraps. But there's not much else to say for our attacking play. Orsic completely anonymous. Newcastle miles better. But we're still in it. Somehow.

Played in Villa's 1-2 FA Cup home loss to the mighty Stevenage. Played for us, believe it or not, in the EFL Cup second round win against Cambridge.

Didn't think Adams was any better or worse than usual. He is what he is: a striker who is a poor finisher, has no left foot, can't head, and doesn't really anticipate chances. It's not a great combination at this level. He works hard for the team, though, and links up play quite well. I will say this: not sure if my mind's playing tricks but I could've sworn he had a little bit of pace once upon a time. Never rapid, but he was mobile. Just plods around like a lump these days. Don't know where that pace has gone.

Arsenal's front three cost £7m combined.

Poor. We were terrible in possession throughout, created fuck all, made a couple of customary defensive errors, and that's your lot. Rinse and repeat. There was no style, no patterns of play. No plan to unlock Villa. We had the ball in the net from a goalmouth scramble, but it wasn't exactly the result of flowing football. That it was disallowed was a joke - the "clear and obvious error" threshold that the refs have been reiterating in the last few weeks obviously doesn't count for little old Southampton. But ultimately we got what we deserved over the 90 minutes. A point would've been pretty fortuitous. A poor team, playing poor football, getting poor results. Prospects look poor. What's that, 5 defeats in 6 for the Messiah? Really turned things around, huh. The current bottom three are your relegated teams this season.

0-0 h/t. Bright but shit, I'd say. Plenty of effort, but a shocking lack of quality on the ball. Villa miles better. Prowse is too far forward, leaving a threadbare midfield that don't really have much passing range. Nothing from the wings. Edozie doesn't look comfortable on the right wing. I'll never understand what anyone sees in Armstrong on the left wing. Sure, he's quite quick, but he's utter garbage on the ball, can't pass, can't create. So what's the point? Probably snap your hand off for a draw at this stage. We're a long way from turning a corner on this evidence. Signing a striker isn't going to solve just how poor many areas of the team are.

Shoot it down. Don't give Adams the responsibility, though.

Quicker than I remember him being at the WC (or maybe Turkish defenders are glacially slow). Still shite.

Looked incredibly limited at the World Cup. Not quick. Not athletic. Not skilful. Did score the flukiest fluke that ever did fluke, though. Might as well recall Dan N'Lundulu, honestly.

He wasn't a striker either. Played all his career as a 10 before joining Liverpool.

According to transferroom.com GBE calculator, Hjulmand is good for 24 points (15 is a pass). He gets 12 points alone just for playing in Serie A due to the quality of the league - 10-14 points is enough to apply for an exemption. No idea how "legit" these calculators are, but he should be signable. (Nicolas Jackson gets 27 points, apparently, for what it's worth.)

He can move faster than an asthmatic cadaver.

Fingers crossed it's true. I quite like him. Not the striker we need, but he's got some great attributes that we just don't have. The ability to run with the ball at pace while defenders bounce off him can cause chaos. Reminds me of a young Zaha. Who was also raw as anything at the same age. As longer term investments, Jackson, Mara and Edozie could develop into something very exciting.

I'd be surprised if he moved to France. He was really keen to play in England. Seem to recall he turned down offers in France and Spain to join us. That being said, he's obviously off in the summer. And unfortunately, Brighton and everyone else have noticed Levi Colwill is a bit brilliant - would've been the perfect replacement.

Thought he did all right in the circumstances. Was a fish out of water with the pace of the game and had no real understanding with his teammates, but he didn't hide. On the contrary, he looked brave, self confident and committed to the cause. Got into a couple of promising positions too. Give him a bit of time to settle in and I think we'll find a decent player in there.

Get the fuck in. Wasn't pretty, but finally we win at Goodison again. Hurts to win and still find yourself bottom, but we're alive with a silver of momentum after this week. Fair play. Let's ride this probably brief high to get a couple of quality signings on board and see if we can indeed turn the corner. Prowse vs Onana today - that lad won't be an Everton player for long; absolute machine. Not making him hold the midfield has certainly breathed a bit of life back into Ward-Prowse - suddenly looks full of beans again. Fuck knows where the goals are coming from, still, unfortunately. Adams is no good. Can't play as a lone striker.

Another goal nowhere near in the corner that Bazunu got nowhere near. He's so small in that goal. No way is he 6' 2". Pretty special defending to play 3 CBs and a holding midfielder, and yet Elyounoussi's marking their tallest player.

If Livramento gets fully fit again, he's probably gone in the summer back to Chelsea when their buy back clause kicks in.

Was a weird move anyway. Held his own in the SPL last season, and then was loaned out to non league. Something's not right there.

Midfield three. Been banging this drum for four years of Hasenhuttl and his perennially overrun midfield. We just look more solid when we can gunk up the middle of the park. Helps that Lavia is ridiculous for his age, mind. Come on, let's see this out.