pap

Perhaps STFU or FOAD.

I have now been inspired to go out and buy the Guardian every day (Supplemented with Private Eye, ofc). Not really bothered about the Saints content - I feel like I've got the best access to the club I've ever had. No need to put money into Murdoch's pocket and tacitly validate the rest of the crap he prints.

No, I'm not a scouser, but as you might imagine, I know plenty. I never bought the Sun before I moved to Liverpool. As for me supporting Everton and/or Liverpool, not going to happen. Southampton is my home-town, Southampton FC are my footy team and that doesn't go away just because you do. I think Nick Hornby said that supporting a football team is more permanent than marraige. Most fans agree with this. Bit weird that you even consider it possible. Nope, just showing solidarity with my neighbours and don't really want to be associated with the stigma of buying it. In this case, the families of the '96 were the victims, so much so that the Sun eventually issued a full apology years later. You seem to be believing everything you see on the telly, confusing the very small amount of things you are shown with the actual real world. Yes, I can accept that it seemed that there was massive public outpouring of grief over the Ken Bigley incident, but that doesn't really square with my experience of being here. Some people were upset, so that's where they pointed the cameras. In reality, life went on as normal - I didn't hear a single person talking about it, let alone crying about it. So enjoy your television and copy of the Sun mate, but just bear in mind that it represents the tiniest fraction of what is really going on, and even then, it's normally just the bad stuff that gets reported. Because if you didn't keep that in mind, you might just become the moron the paper is aimed at.

You probably did, but I'm not sure that your accuracy in prognostication here is necessarily applicable to the relative merits of the Uttoxeter nags

That's the one the Eye used to use, isn't it? Love it. Anyways, I remember them doing a TV campaign a few years ago with a bouncy theme tune and an utter moron flailing about on the screen. Whole thing seemed aimed at utter idiots. I couldn't in good conscience buy a rag that advertised itself like that.

I was up at Pride Park this season. We were unlucky not to beat them at theirs. Hopefully, the old "home game form" will come back. But it's massively hit and miss at the moment, and I'm still a bit disappointed we didn't manage to collect all the points up at Upton Park. I'm not really a fan of the Rams, or Derby itself. I worked there on assignment for a bit. At Derby train station, they have a sign telling you where all the chain stores are. Half of them are in Nottingham Also, an associate of mine is a massive Derby fan, wide-eyed Tory and crowed like feck when they knocked us out of the playoffs. For this reason, I'm hoping for a convincing 3-0 win that'll send them back off to Derby with their tail between their legs. Or Nottingham, depending on if they have any shopping to do.

One of my little nerd mates insisted on calling it "The News of the Weird" in the '90s. Didn't get any less weird.

The concern, of course - is the delicate balance between authenticity, profitability and the potential for lawsuits. Y'see, if we make the cock-mounted miniguns too plasticy, the kids will think they've been jipped. Who knows, in places like Gunsville, USA - there may even be kids who have access to actual mini-guns. They like that sort of thing:- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IutnN_LAMvI If we make them too realistic, we run the risk of recoil-induced genital mutilation. On kids! It's a knife-edge in other words, and we need to tread carefully.

The most predictable event in British journalism has finally been announced. Rupert Murdoch is to wow Britons with the reading age of a five year old with a new organ, the Sun on Sunday. The paper fills the 'void' left by the News of the World, which was axed after it was discovered that they were very naughty boys. We do not buy The Sun in Liverpool, so I will not be buying it. What about you? Are you looking forward to seeing a pert pair o' page 3 knockers while you watch Nicky Campbell trying to separate God-botherers from atheists on The Big Questions?

You're a f*cking BEAR, dude! I don't get why you have to b*tch so much about our human inventions! No-one on here is saying "this bear stuff is sh*t" or having a go at scrounging workshy bears that sponge off the state. You know what bears are? Hairy cavemen who can't talk. So don't come on here trying to be "Daddy Bear" and having a go at all the people who've made the Internet what it is! That being said, could probably do with a redesign.

Seeing as I'm so obsessed with Turkish, thought I'd link this little nugget from our friends over at the UI. Pap, buctotim and other TSW mongs It is, as they say, a right riveting read. I'm so obsessed, that I managed to get Del to start a post about me and buctootim on another site.

To be honest, I was non-specific about where the mini-gun might go, but I love the idea of a mini-gun for a wanger. So many plot opportunities. Shaking it at the end of a wizz, getting a sudden and unexpected bone-on in a public place, causing an upward and deadly arc of fire! I like this addition so much that I am prepared to cut you in for 10% of movie profits and a whopping 50% of profit on any "toy versions" generated in the merchandising run.

No transporter is required (kudos for getting that right, btw!). In the early 1990s, a 1970s technology came to prominence in the public arena. The wags at the time dubbed it the Internet, or the World Wide Web. Essentially, it allows messages to be sent from one place to the other near-instantaneously. So while I'm just as disappointed as you that we have no working transporters (yet!) - it doesn't preclude you from espousing an opinion and directing it at me. And not just on this site! Other sites too! You really should give this Internet thing a whirl. Revolutionary, my old bean! Very glad to see you turn a corner on Cortese, btw. He's done wonders for the club.

Arf! Missed this little gem. Posters with agendas. You would know a lot about that! You know what I'm talking about.

The most confusing thing in 24 is how everyone in S4 managed to pronounce Habib Marwan's name perfectly, and no-one said "how do you pronounce that, etc"? Also, I find it weird that Chloe can upload skidmarks from Jack's underpants, but seemed to have a problem transferring an incriminating audio file.

My movie pitch. Mini-gun - on a trip to a military museum, a mild mannered purchasing assistant is caught in a cosmic ray explosion while admiring a decommissioned mini-gun. Man and gun are fused. Further, the mini-gun mysteriously attains unlimited ammunition and will not stop firing. The film will track the exploits of our protagonist as he performs day-to-day functions, like going for a wizz. Much hilarity ensues when ordinary household objects/pets are obliterated into little pieces. The authorities are quickly alerted to the man who can't stop shooting bolts, and the third act of the film sees him hounded by tanks, helicopters and the like, chased onto a sink estate. During the show-down, our protagonist does the mini-gun business, blowing everything to pieces, including the workshy scroungers who live on the estate. On seeing the massive damage wrought by Mini-Gun Man on the poorest estate in London, Prime Minister David Cameron immediately pardons Mini-Gun Man. The film closes with our hero being sent on a Government-sponsored mission to the North of England. Now, I'm open to creative input from budding scriptwriters on this board, but I must stand firm on the following points:- 1) The sound of the mini-gun MUST be present and deafening at all times. 2) Bombastic patriotic music must be played during the sink-estate showdown, also at deafening volumes. 3) The film will never go more than five seconds without a piece of bloodied human fragmentation flying around the screen. 4) Dialogue to be kept to a minimum, as to facilitate distribution to other countries (Mr Bean did this to great effect). Grade A winner, in my opinion. Now where's my f*cking private jet, Hollywood?

My only worry with this pitch is that the Eiffel Tower has been done to death. Lois Lane had to be rescued from it in Superman II. Cobra blew it up in GI JOE. The nuclear wind idea is pretty cool. In fact, I'm loving the gratuitous use of nuclear weapons in this movie. A nuke went off in S2 of 24, and a power plant went into meltdown in S4 - but that took years. This pitch is practically loaded with nukes. One small change, if I may. Can Kim (Jack's daughter) be in trouble with terrorists that are sexual deviants? I've watched Kim in all sorts of trouble before, and not once has a ball-gag been involved.

Perhaps if you start an abusive thread you'll be treated seriously. You are the boy who cried mong, sir. Don't become the boy who cries victim.

All hail Cortese and his dream for Southampton FC. Good call, Turkish.

Though this is clearly the work of an imbalanced reprobate, it would, to be fair, make for a better plot than any of the TNG movies.

Now that you mention it, I seem to remember a Star Trek:ENT episode where T'Pol ( Jolene Blalock ) went through Pon Farr, sweating and hormonal for a bit. It was a good episode. (I may have just dreamt this)

We have a local brewery in Liverpool called Cains. Does some pretty good stuff, including ale and lager. Went on a tour there with the British Computer Society ( excerpt: pap's rock 'n roll lifestyle ) - found out that the term "getting wellied" originated from there. Apparently, the brewery used to let people drink on the job, but put a stop to it. Those cheeky chappy Liverpudlians found a way around this, of course. Before scooting off on a break, they'd fill one of their watertight boots with ale to sneak it past the management. Hence, the term "getting wellied" (Wellington) was born. Personally, I wouldn't drink anything that went anywhere near my feet, but there you go. Also, if you are going to have a couple of pints before a brewery tour, make sure you get shot of them before the tour commences. Really not fun walking around a large brewery busting for a pee.

A white wall is best.

The perfect crime.

Very cool how the eye can process a negative like that.