saintbletch

I agree. I carried out a detailed comparison of Dune's posting style with the posting style of Cheese on Toast. The differences were stark. Average sentence length, passive voice, self-referencing, yeast and dairy references, substantial corpus differences, oh I could bore you to death about it. What's that? Anyway, either they are completely different posters or Dune is a psychopath. Wait a minute...

It's a trilogy. I haven't read it but Mrs saintbletch is currently on book 3. All I can say is that you do eventually get used to the smell of latex, but never buy your wife a baulky wrist watch. Also, another word to the wise. If your wife tells you she isn't reading it, but she mistakenly calls you Christian, you know there's a copy of 50 Shares in her knicker drawer somewhere. I'm getting quite used to the name now.

About 200 years north of where I was aiming actually PhilippineSaint. I was hoping that the reader might be reminded of Pride and Prejudice enough to want to go to the library, check out a book, go home and get their tongues around Jane Austen. So I was trying to be more Miss Bennet than Miss Buttplug really. But you've given me an idea. 50 Shades of Bestiality - A novel by SaintBletch chronicling the tempestuous and sometimes violent relationship between a young, wide-eyed (think about it) man from Tokyo and a successful multi-millionaire bear with a passions for plurals.

Black Bob was a dog, was't he lad? I'm not sure that he would be the same Bob with no arms or legs that tpbury 'supposedly' knows, but you have reminded me of a true story from my past. I use to have a dog with no legs. I called him Woodbine. Because every morning I'd take him out for a drag. True story. *You may call me Sir.

Good thinking Bearsy. My proposal. one) 3 month probationary period for new members and infrequent posters - A witch hunt. Each new member and each existing member that suddenly starts posting following a lengthy hiatus, should instantly fall under suspicion of being "the new Dune". It is the obligation of all existing members, registered users and Dune's other accounts that he has already successfully hidden from the mods; to intimidate, victimise, threaten and generally accuse such accounts of being Dune until they are either banned (Cheese on Toast), stop posting or admit they are Dune. If posters manage to make it through the 3 month "period of suspicion", then they are free to post white supremacist musings without having their white collar felt. Just like Dune was for the longest time. Our approach to getting Cheese on Toast banned was exemplary and we should look to get anyone else banned that just "doesn't look quite right". I wonder who Cheese on Toast actually was.

We're not going after the Crap Joke Suppository thread. I've just had my ass hauled up to the office of Chief Constable Baj of the Muppet Show Police. He went properly mental over the overtime bill for the Cheese on Toast investigation. He said that next time he's taking it to Commissioner Grant. He also wanted to know why you had tried to expense a gaudy hotel room, a loose-fitting blue T-shirt, a vet bill for having claws clipped, the morning after pill and a femidom (*large). I pointed him toward your avatar and he understood. But he wasn't happy. So we can't afford to spend too much time in here. This is scotty's manor. He and I meet every month in McDonalds in town where he buys me a Big Breakfast and hands me a nice little under-the-table cash sub to "own" this thread. So we will turn a blind eye to the goings on here. Is that clear? If scotty wants to allow jokes on here that fail to pass the sort of forensic analysis that PhilippineSaint has applied to them, then that's scotty's call. Good work by the way PhilippineSaint. You're young and enthusiastic - I like that. Your youth and enthusiasm led you to interrogate scotty over his Portsmouth joke, And between you and I, I think your intuition is right. I don't think scotty was in Portsmouth last weekend. But let's not pick a fight in an area of town where you wouldn't want to walk alone without your MSP radio and nightstick. That's not to say that I don't agree with setting up a police enquiry into each and every joke on this thread. I do. I mean, I secretly suspect that half the jokes on this thread aren't actually true. If I'm honest, I don't think that notnowcato saw a sign outside a butchers; anymore than tpbury knows a white, limbless male called Robert well enough to call him Bob. Personally, I've never met a crap joke yet that couldn't be improved upon by overly-analysing it and pulling apart every word and syllable to expose it as the simple collection of loosely-associated consonants and vowels that it is. But let's not do this in scotty's manor. OK? Is that clear? Anyway, I haven't got time for this. I've got to finish stroking the pages of the letter C in the dictionary. I've got most of the way through but haven't come across a criticing yet.

I'm flattered Mr Bearsy. Obviously. Who wouldn't be? And so romantic too. For just a moment, I allowed myself to think what life would be like if I were your new beeatch. Oh, we could go for long walks and stop when the fancy took us, then we would just sit in the moonlight and read Jeeve and Woosters to each other. I'd gaze into your deep, glassy eyes; you'd stare at my arse. It would be simply wonderful. But no. And I realise that I may live to regret spurning your advances Mr. Bearsy, but you belong to another. I'm not the sort of Bletch that comes between two lovers. I couldn't swallow that. Tokyo-Saint needs you now. Don't worry about me. I'll be alright in a while. Go. Go back to Tokyo-Saint. He needs you. Go on. Go. Don't look back. But when you think of me, allow a smile to visit your face and wait awhile there.

I understand PhilippineSaint. Your keen interest in Tokyo-Saints' anus was manly and altruistic. You wanted to stop Tokyo-Saint ****ting himself as opposed to having him ****ting 'yourself'. That's fair enough.

It's nice that you pretend you've been away Tokyo-Saint. But we know exactly what happened to you at the clumsy paws of the bear. Well it involved a maths game show that the bear entered. It was basically the Monty Hall problem and despite being erudite and well-read with the Times or Telegraph or whatever, the stupid kodiak left you in the boot of his car which later got given away as one of the prizes on the game show. The booby prize on the show was a goat - called Sharon - a good looking goat called Sharon if I'm a judge. Anyway, all that anyone had to do to win the car was demonstrate a rudimentary grasp of conditional probability. But as GCSE probability isn't covered in the first 4 Jeeves and Wooster books, Bearsy lost the car. (Although I think Gussie Fink-Nottle did discuss naive Bayes classification with Geeves in book six if memory serves.) As you were in the boot of the car, Bearsy lost you too - but won a goat - a good looking goat called sharon. And as Whitey Grandad knew the answer, he got the car and found you tied up in the boot. Naked as the day you were born, sporting a gimp mask, a cheeky grin and with an unnaturally high level of rohypnol in your blood. You are now Whitey Grandad's. Three points to add. 1) Bear actually said that he already had a car but didn't have a goat, leading some observers to conclude that he would rather 'have' the goat than 'have' you. If you know what I mean. 2) You were lucky that PhilippineSaint didn't win the car. If he had then you'd be heading to a lady boy clinic in Manilla to, well how can I put this... ...PhilippineSaint wasn't expecting you virgo intacta, but he did want to make sure that you hadn't been 'intimately damaged' by your violently passionate relationship with the big bear. As such, he had a 'female' doctor with an Adam's apple the size of my fist waiting on standby - clutching a slightly soiled knitting needle with white knuckles, she was waiting to darn your dirtbox. (The perennial perforated perineum.) 3) The most upsetting part though is that, and I'm actually choking up telling you this, I'm not actually sure that Whitey Grandad 'wants' you. Not in a biblical sense. Well, not in any other sense for that matter. Sorry mate. I reckon the bear's gotta a lot of making up to do.

Bearsy, Bearsy, Bearsy. What a contradiction you are. I can't imagine that the words "...a new paramour or whatever..." have ever appeared before, adjacent and in that order, in the history of human communication. Glad I was here to witness it bear. How can a bear talk of b****es, whatevers, make nouns and adjectives "plurals" when they didn't ought to be, construct the odd sentence like a small child would, and then slip the word paramour into a post? Paramour. A word that ranks 66935th out of 86800 in common usage in one study I've seen. It's in the same territory as Fonteyn, Likert, Muscovite and piggeries. That's one unusuals vocabulary you've got there bear. When I see a word like paramour used on here I feel better about life. Thank you. If I ever see you make a sentence out of the least popular words "Carniola, workless, recrossed and conquistador", then my life will be complete. Anyway, I'm off to see Dame Margot Fonteyn - that Muscovite paramour of mine; we've got to complete a Likert test about our feelings on the local piggeries.

He won't answer you PhilippineSaint. Tokyo-Saint is tied up in Whitey Grandad's coal cellar and can only post when Whitey isn't around. And Bearsy doesn't care either, he might have lost his car and Tokyo-Saint - his forum-beeatch on that game show, but he's just spent the weekend wining and dining his consolation prize - a lovely goat called Sharon. *this isn't Sharon, it's her sheep friend Sylvia, but they look and dress very much the same. Besides once I'd seen the picture I had to use it. Oh, and a word to the wise - don't type "sexy goat" into Google image search with "safe search" off.

I'm not a lawyer PhilippineSaint but I think it means that Tokyo-Saint basically now belongs to Whitey Grandad. In the same way that he used to belong to Bearsy. So, yep new avatar for Tokyo-Saint I think. All because the Bear left him gimped-up in the boot of his car while he was on the game show. At least he didn't go home empty handed.

It looks like you start to see the pattern pretty quickly. Here's a Monte Carlo simulation over 30 events. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Monty_problem_monte_carlo.svg

Sorry Bear your beeatch is gone. Sorry PhilippineSaint, you can tell the lady boy hospital to put the darning needle away. Tokyo-Saint is heading to Whitey Grandad's place. Quite counter-intuitively, you increase your chances of winning if you always change your original selection once given the new information. It's 2/3 if you change. Most people assume a 1/3 chance of finding the car with Tokyo-Saint in the boot. Which is true when you have no additional knowledge. When we find that we know one of the incorrect doors, most people assume that the odds are the same. Or that they've now become 50/50 (one door or the other) and therefore there is no benefit in changing your mind. Think of it this way. By taking a strategy of changing your mind, you only lose if you originally guessed the correct door (1/3). So you will win in 2/3 occasions.

Think again Bear man. It's your car they're giving away. I know it's your car because the driver's seat is matted in thick ursine pelt and Tokyo-Saint is locked in the boot, hands tied behind his back, wearing nothing but a gimp mask and his charm. Pretend you want to win the car back - you know, see Tokyos for one last time.

Well while we're on brain teasers, here's a probability related one. It's quite well known so if you know it, feel free to share the answer but keep the rationale to yourself. You're on a game show where they have placed a car behind one of three doors. Behind the other two doors are goats (don't ask). The host knows what is behind the doors. You choose door 1, but the host doesn't open it, instead he opens door 3 to reveal a goat. He then asks you if you want to stick with door 1 or change your mind and pick door 2. So the question is... Is it advantageous to change your original guess? Why/why not?

It was BODMAS in my time too but the kids learned BIDMAS at school. Not an Americanism as they apparently (Wiki) use PEDMAS (Parenthesis and Exponents...). If you think about it Orders is to Exponents/Indices as Sharing is to Division. Probably needed changing.

Indices. BIDMAS is the new BODMAS alpine_saint. Keep up.

Oh, who do you hate. That's the sort of typo that leads to time lords from the East Midlands - Doctor How. Anyway, I hate nobody, let alone anyone on an Internet message board. That said, I do hate how easily I can be wound up by some posters/topics on here.

Thanks for expanding on the detail stu0x. It sounds like a fair and balanced appraisal.

Tis. Tisn't it.

I'd agree with what you say, except Tim Vickery really does know his South American football. Another poster commented that Vickery was pretty "meh" about the signing when interviewed on Radio 5. Saying that Ramirez was a luxury player and might not do the tracking required in the Prem (paraphrasing from memory). But I can't reconcile that with the esteem he is held in by Bologne's fans. Let's hope Vickery's talking s***e. After all, we once had a luxury player that didn't do the required tracking, and that didn't turn out too bad.

According to this article, he's been involved in 7 first lap crashes out of 12 races this season. To be honest when Alonso didn't move at first following the crash, I honestly thought that Grosjean's car had hit his head when it leapt over the top of it. Given Grosjean's incredibly bad record on opening laps, and the fact that this one could have been disasterous, I think the stewards probably felt then had to change his behaviour. Harsh, but fair in my view. I think he could go on to be a very successful driver if he can make it to a few more second laps.

I think the point is that Pistorius has worked with the IAAF to ensure that the length of his "legs" doesn't provide him with an advantage over able-bodied people. The Brazilian that beat him has only had his "legs" ok'd by the governing body for paralympics - which obviously has less strict rules. Pistorius was wrong to say what he did when he did. He has released a statement this morning saying exactly that and congratulating the winner. But his point last night was valid. He was 8m clear, doing 10m/sec and the guy closed the distance over 50m. You could see it looked wrong but was obviously valid under the current rules.

As for taste, I would have thought it depends where the vibrator had been.