saintbletch

Very good tpbury. Today's theme is euphemisms for masturbation (terms or phrases that can follow "I'm off to...") : See aunty palm and her five ugly sisters Shake my first at the ex Release some hostages Flick the bean (TMS is an equal opportunities forum)

Who loves you baby? In a long queue for food on a cross-channel ferry I once asked for a "croissant with strawberry ham". The French woprds for "ham" and "jam" (jambon and confiture) got mixed up in my head. Everyone in the queue laughed. Stupid language. What's on the end of your baby's arm 3B? I think I'll curate a list of each category of hilarious word puns in the opening post.

Euphemisms for the penis --- Semolina howitzer Gloy gun Penis similies --- (large penis) Like a baby's arm holding a jaffa orange (large penis) Like a Vim tin with a sheep's heart on the end

Love it, and I've learned something. Garden path sentences, eh?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.

Good input Toke, you really are a shining wit!

Excellent contribution as usual Bear, I'd like to meet your Dad. Re the Dumas (elder) reference, I knew you'd get it too quickly unless I obfuscated it a little. It's roaring with pain, so take an umbrella.

It's early days yet BTT. In a few years' time, I see this thread going on to be crowned "thread of threads" in the Golden threads' thread, "thread of threads" contest. Everyone loves words, it's just that some don't know it yet. Beeping Slag. Essential, if you're going camping.

OK, I'll start you off with my legendary "Verb names" game. Henrietta Knight. Did he?

As the TMS patafamilias, and the winner of the 2013 TMS "Bronze Star" award, I feel duty bound to bring some educational content to TMS - in fact any content in TMS at the moment would be a good thing. I think it's time we muppets shared with one and other(sic) the great fun that can be had with words! Anything really - words you like/dislike, clever swearing terms/phrases*, euphemisms, spoonerisms, limericks, punctuation puns, corporate speak, nonsense poems, portmanteau words, misheard phrases/lyrics, malapropisms, abbreviations, acronyms, long words, short words, or even share the hilarious word-play games you played with your young children. You know the sort of word-play parlour games we must have each played with our children to make up for selling the TV and thrusting "boring old books!" into their sobbing-induced, rhythmically jerking hands. "Dry your tears, and don't let them drip on your lovely books!" I would say, followed by "I know you used to enjoy the Simpsons, but now you've got your very own copy of The Count of Monte Cristo - you dumass!". My personal favourite game was "Smack the legs of the adjective abuser". They soon learn where an adverb goes, I can tell you. Oh what fun we had. My "intentional spoonerisms", and "Verb names" games are legend in my household. Anyway, pretty much open season. Regale your fellow muppets with the various uses of our wonderful language that have teased a smile to chase away a grumpy frown. (*)This is not an invitation to beat the swear filter - be creative. At 255 words and 1526 characters, Toke won't have made it this far, so I should mention that he will get infracted and lose rep points if he contributes. Also note, no Japanese words or phrases are allowed as these make Toke look clever, and me look inuntelligent.

If your Mum really cared about the little baby Jesus, she would never do that to one of Holy Mary's womb eggs.

Depends on taste, room size and the neighbours to be honest. I'm no expert, but I have a pair of Quad 11Ls in my home office (Rotel amp) and their big brother 22L (Naim separates) in my listening room. The 11L's are absolutely stunning in detail. The 22L's are good, but disappointingly aren't the 11Ls on steroids that I was hoping. Still good speakers, but the 11L's are just exceptional.

Typical Bear post. Typical Muppet Show reaction. I didn't post on reddit's AMA for you lot to take the **** out of me. Do you know how long it takes to find a wife like this? And I wonder if any one of you truly understands what it's like to be a quadruped. Instead of respect I get derision. Instead of recognition for receiving the "Muppet Show Bronze Star" award in the 2013 polls I am lambasted. I bet none of the muppets would have the balls to do a Muppet Show - Ask Me Anything thread!

I'd love to hear your theory Unbelievable. Jeff....

Very good, Sir. This post sponsored by my brother-in-law's dark and stormy.

Very good, Sir. I hope Sir was in the receipt of a excellent Yule period, and may I also take this opportunity to wish Sir a most prosperous and sexually active 2014. xxx

I'm not fictional! Is there anything else, Sir, or would you mind if I took the rest of the day off?

I have to say that the idea of fasting for two days per week filled me with dread, but now I find it very easy. The compensation is that as long as I keep up my exercise regime, I can pretty much eat and drink what I want for the rest of the week. It feels more like a way of life now than a short term diet. I invested in a new rowing machine rather than trying to commit to get to a gym 'n' days/week. Anything that can remove the excuses for not exercising is a good thing for me.

It's a very kind offer Jonnboy - it really is, and I don't want to appear ungrateful, but I'll pass this one time.

Thanks Confessions. I should have known that our very own Robin Askwith would have the complete list of sexual perversions committed to memory. Is that where the phrase "Spink the pink" comes from?

Be able to tie my own laces. Get my 10K row time down to 45 minutes. Play more squash. Play some veterans' football. Others have suggested the 5:2 diet on here. I tried it and it worked well for me.

'Villa had a keeper called Jimmy Suck? Or was it Jimmy Lick? Or can you rim a lolly-pop? Between you and me Katalinic, I suspect that the young lady in question was being asked to carry out the act on her partner, and she was asking her friend for advice. She was speaking in that sort of youth patois where conversations are liberally littered with "literally", "actual", "eh, no", "I'm like", "I don't think so" and "he's like". From what I managed to decode, the partner must have asked her to "play in goal for 'Villa" and she was like, eh, no, I don't think so. Well, that's what she said to her friend anyway. You see, this is what makes The Muppet Show such a valuable resource; where posters feel able to share experiences from their own life. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that this advice was taken from your second book "Rim with Tim". Thanks for sharing BTT!

This was the conversation I eavesdropped on yesterday on a bus coming back from Southampton. A young lady was sat behind me talking to a friend on her mobile. She was trying to describe, to her friend, some form of sexual act with her partner. However as I'd had a few beers I was unable to determine if the perpetrator was the young lady or her partner. The young lady obvious thought she was talking in some inscrutable code, but she didn't consider that Lord Turing of Bletchley himself was sitting in front of her. I have a strong suspicion as to the act that she was describing, but I'm not completely sure as to the verb she was applying to the lolly-pop. Any ideas? P.S. Merry Xmas to the Muppets and a Merry Christmas to Scotty. x

Who did 110_Persaint used to be? Also what was/is the posting lineage of NineteenCanteen?

Interesting stat Turkish. I was actually going to research the same stat myself as it was my sense that he just doesn't move towards the ball. He seems frozen when the ball is heading towards him. Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk 4