saintbletch

Tin!

'Welcome Bear. I see your point. You'll have to see if you can hide lots of loaves and fishes under the table then. That should do it.

Thanks pasmaintenantcato. I'm assuming that you settled for the mug as you couldn't find any pictures of a vagina with Tokyo tattoo'd on it. Merci.

Does anyone actually read posts that are this long? Anyone want to summarise?

Bear, you've been getting some pretty poor advice here. There is only one sure-fire way to ensure sexual congress with the Catholic girl at your work. It involves a church calendar, an inexpensive magician's trick and a red Sharpie marker pen. First you consult the calendar to find some dates for religious celebrations, some you might recognise are Easter and Christmas. Then what you do is arrange to have a drink with the Catho-chick in question during one of these celebrations. When you get to the bar, you order water and two glasses; your temperance will impress her. You then wish her "Happy x" - where x is the religious celebration in question, and you pour the water into the glass. Only it's not real water, it's a magician's trick like this: So as you pour the water, it turns into wine. She will look at you with shock and a curious delight on her face. Her heart rate will rise and the blood flow will increase to certain parts of her anatomy. She will then ask you how you do that. You must then acknowledge the wine in the glass and shrug, holding your palms towards her and say "That always happens to me at this time of year". Then, with your palms still raised, you use your eyes to guide her view to your palms where you had previously drawn two stigmata-sized holes on both sides of both hands. By now she will think you are the second coming of the little baby Jesus and will be sufficiently aroused to be walking on her own water. Never fails.

I plan to forensically examine the final image, and if I find a nipple in plain sight I will report you to The Man and his team. I'm pretty sure that the nipple on the left breast of the lady on the left is visible. I'm going to zoom in and will report back a little later.

Just don't ask for a tin of pickled herring. Not nice.

Well wipe your DNA from your hands, navigate to the article and read it. The thing you're looking for is know as "the text". "The text" is usually a sort of black and white pattern that is made from mostly regular shaped glyphs. Web page producers use "the text" to pad out the pictures of naked and near naked women on the Internet. "The text" is only really read by boring, librarian types. Tin!

I'm guessing you didn't read the article about the lady footballer? I'm guessing you just looked at the picture, copy and pasted it into TMS (one handed), and then stroked like an Oxbridge cox. Stupid tin!

Toke, you're a complete tin.

Oh God. More photos saved on my phone that I now have to explain to the wife.

Yes, no problem whatsoever to watch this at work 3B*. I thought the page was called "seepage" and that I'd see some sort of weird video about anal seepage, but it turned out to be "see page" - as in "it's a must-see page". It's just a really lovely page full of fluffy seals singing a nice song. BTT is just a soppy old seal lover who thought a nice cheery song would remove the image of the brown thong now burned into Muppet retinas across the land - and beyond. *But to be on the safe side I'd probably wait until you get home. You know what workplaces can be like for cute singing seals.

You're not a thong man BTT? That is a thong, right?

dubai_phil, from one interminable bore to another I feel that I should point out that the purpose of this thread is to recruit new members to The Muppet Show. I've just had the monthly report from The Man detailing visitors to TMS versus The Lounge and the Main Bored. Since you've been posting updates from the Omega Dubai Desert Classic, visits to TMS have halved and requests for refunds (colloquially know as curry cancellations) have doubled. In future, please move this sort of post to The Lounge. I mean, if you'd come up with the goods and we'd seen Mrs Carrick's sweating backside then that is definitely TMS material. Here, I've helped you out - I found the twitter pic you mentioned. Oh BTW, it wasn't a black thong she was wearing, it was a brown one. On a positive note dubai_phil, you have held up a mirror for me to see how my lengthier posts must come across. So for that I thank you, and will there prematurely e

Your lips are moving again Sarb.

How can I tell that you're not 43? Because your lips are moving Sarb.

Sarb isn't 43 Toke. In fact Sarb isn't even Sarb. He's not even 27% Sarb. Lies fall so easily from his mouth that I'm not sure if I'm more offended by the lies themselves or the fact that he thinks we are stupid enough to swallow his mendacious mucous. P.S. Who in their right mind isn't attracted to Carson from Downton Abbey? It's a good look and I carry it off with not a little panache. If I say so myself. Let me buttle for you Toke. I'd do it for free as long as I could decide which side I was going to dress you each day. Bletch: "I think, that Sir will be dressing 'against the grain' and to the right today" [rearranges Toke's tackle from it's natural position] Toke: "Hmm, ahh ahh ahhhh..." Bletch: "Never mind Sir, it's what a man servant is for. I'll just pop and get you some fresh undergarments." P.P.S I scored 29 - but it took a few attempts. There is a worrying spot the difference image of a young girl wearing a mask and snorkel whilst lying front-down on the beach. I had to do a double-take when I clicked to show the snorkel was the difference. The outline of the snorkel looked, well let's just say, inappropriate.

Kudos Spudders. This is an important topic and it deserves to be discussed in an adult fashion which is why The Man parked it here in TMS. Whilst these pants might very well deter an amateur rapist, I just can help but think that a particularly dedicated defiler wouldn't be so easily deterred. I mean, use some imagination. If a burgler were to find your front door locked and your back door locked, well blow me, he'd surely just force himself through an upstairs opening. Also, after a hot curry you'd need to ensure that you had the "key" with you, or if not you'd have to nearly OD on Imodium the night before to ensure that your didn't end up wearing the world's most secure nappy.

My thoughts after a couple of weeks. Overall I'm pretty impressed with mine and for the price I'd say it's an excellent phone. Read on if you are considering getting one - or if you are having trouble sleeping... On the negative side I'd say that whilst the camera is really very good for my purposes, it doesn't appear to be on a par with cameras from other high-end Android / Apple phones. The HDR+ mode is very smart and it seems to take multiple photos at different light levels and stitches them together to ensure that the image is consistently exposed - so that dark areas and light areas are not under/over-exposed. It works well, but the resultant photos do seem a little "unreal". It has image stabilisation, but on a "field trip" yesterday around some pubs in Winchester, it didn't do a great job of stilling this operator's shaky hand. Battery life is OK. I live in a low signal area so my phones have always seemed to consume more power than most whilst attempting to stay connected to the network. That said, I'm currently easily getting a full day's usage, but if I'm planning to use the phone a lot then I could see that I might need to conserve power towards the end of the day. I'm sure there will be times when I miss not being able to swap batteries. The screen is really very nice. It's large and bright, although it doesn't quite seem to be up to the quality of its big brother - the LG G2. Performance is excellent and everything just zips along, although that is always the feeling you get with a new device. It will be interesting to see if it slows down after a couple of months of app installations. Memory isn't a problem for me as, for my sins, I've bought into the Google cloud philosophy. So it's easy to just "pin" the media I want on the device and then when I need to refresh that I simply pin/un-pin shows/films/tracks. I've got a subscription to Google's music streaming service and it works really well. My music collection (11,000+ songs) has been uploaded and I can then choose to pin a subset of that to the phone. Previously I'd had large memory cards and put all that music on the phone, but I only ever listened to a fraction of it. In addition I can also pin any other music (that I don't own, but instead "rent") to the phone and it sits alongside my own content seamlessly. I'm also watching Breaking Bad from the Google Play store at the moment, and I just download a couple of large episodes at a time and when I'm done I un-pin an episode and then pin a new one. Once you're into the routine of it, it works well. For others that rip a lot of their own DVDs, I can see that the 32GB might not be enough. The KitKat OS features a load of new stuff, some useful some less so. A lot of the "smarts" are behind scenes restructuring of the code that controls low-level services. This means that it can run on lower spec devices and the user has more control over what runs and what doesn't. Hangouts is now used for SMS as well as for Google Chat - although being Android, you can use your own SMS app if you'd prefer. The SMS and Chat streams for a contact are kept separate which is a shame. I would have liked to see all interactions with a contact in the same stream. I think the dialler and Caller ID stuff is really good. From the dialler screen the phone will not only search your contacts, but it will also search for nearby "things" that are relevant. Type in Costa for example and it will list your contacts that match and also all the nearest Costa Coffee outlets in order of reducing proximity. It's more useful than it initially sounds as it removes that whole "search->copy->paste->dial" step. The caller ID feature will also attempt to find out who is calling you if the number isn't in your contacts. Google Now is fast becoming a necessity rather than the gimmick I thought it was initially. It's permanently tucked away as the left-most screen on the launcher. The other day, I Google'd a heating engineer on my laptop and when I left the house and looked at the Google Now panel on the Nexus 5, it offered me directions to the heating engineer's offices. With your permission, it collects information from all your interactions with Google and uses it to "guess" what you might find useful based on the time and your location. Walking close to a cinema and you get relevant cinema times, at bus stops you get relevant bus times, etc. Smart. From a physical perspective, the phone's appearance / feel it's growing on me. It's clearly a more budget device than others I've looked at, and it feels incredibly light in the hand which initially lends the phone a slightly cheap feel. This is accentuated by the case which has quite harsh, 90 degree edges. But after a while it's grown on me. The back is sort of "rubberised" which means that it clings to your hand and those edges give you the reassurance that you're not going to drop it. It also makes it easier to use, what is quite a large phone, with one hand. If you were to buy one of these and add a £12-£20/month unlimited data plan SIM from Three/GiffGaff, then you've got a hell of a lot of phone for a little cash.

Yep, Smiley was a pretentious know-it-all too.

I've corrected your transposition error above, Toke.

Fluent Japanese, half-fluent in English? And my guess for the 6 words in German would be *sic - for all you grammer/spling Nazis.

I am so arse-shamed scotty! Actually, ahem, as the Bear said I simply meant that I pay, and will continue to pay, council tax. I bet you thought it was meant to be an idiom for not sharing what I know about 27% Sarb's past. Phew, that was close.

Oh, OK. My mistake. I must have been wrong then... ...unless we could find some evidence, a set of language-footprints, carelessly left behind in Internet snow that links the Unbelievable Jeff account to, say, another account that was previously used by a banned poster. You know what, I think I've found something. But personally I'm all for you staying anonymous 27% Sarb. I don't know why you were banned before and I certainly don't want to get you banned again. So I'll keep my council.

http://www.thatvideosite.com/v/8315/mma-announcer-michael-schiavello-keeps-pronouncing-danny-mainus-last-name-as-my-anus