saintbletch

And medallion. You forgot the medallion Special K. I've just realised that actually do have a St. Christopher's medal. I need a makeover.

Does the Jim Davidson box set include his early material where he used to do impressions of "ethnic people"? If so, it could be worse. I like train journeys and will have brutally murdered Barry Sanchez by Portsmouth Harbour station and disposed of his body in Portsmouth harbour - there's a certain moral symmetry to that watery grave, don't you think? I'll then post the news of his passing on here to the cheers of the masses. Then, I'll kick-back and listen to Jimmy D tell jokes about black people alternatively appearing and disappearing whilst walking across pelican crossings whilst singing "Now you see me, now you don't.". All done with the most authentic "ethnic" accent possible. Who could ever tire of that, Toke?

That answer deserves an honourable mention in despatches 3B. I wonder what it would be like to have the lunatics take over the asylum without The Man and his minions around to dispense the meds and tighten the odd straight-jacket...

You're completely hatstand then pap. The correct answer of course is Barry Sanchez. Sorry mate.

With all the respect that a post like that deserves Toke, the pap I know and love* is a deeper thinker than you. Then again, ocean sponges have a higher density of synapses than you appear** to have on this site. So I think pap will understand what the question is looking for. * Forum love ** I'm sure you aren't like your forum persona in real life Toke - otherwise you'd not be able to lift a spoon to your mouth in the real world***. *** No offence**** **** Well a little bit

Ahh...Catch 22 pap. Let's see if we can't come up with a test to check your Yossarianesque mentalness.... Hmmm. OK. If you had to ban one poster from TSW, who would it be? And I know that you are against the banning of any poster, so for the purposes of this exercise you have to ban someone. Given your principled stance on free speech, there is only one valid answer that will prove your sanity.

Whilst word games are more my style, I do enjoy maths puzzles. I dunno, um, two? Two and a bit? Perhaps three if you didn't go for a top of the range device. Actually on that basis, maybe 5? I thought this was going to be one of those "How many Android owners does it take to change a lightbulb?" gags. The answer to that is "None", because in the future we won't have light bulbs. B'dum tish! Listen, despite your self-doubt, a gold iPhone isn't the waste of money you seem to think it is. As long as you really wanted it and can afford it. And if you're unlucky enough to have one of the faulty battery versions, they'll exchange it for you. Even outside of warranty. What you're experiencing is just buyer's remorse. It's a truly excellent phone. BTW it's not real gold.

That won't happen when you move to Android Toke. Oh, and for the record I said whatever you do, don't buy the HTC One. They contain re-soldered parts from Dragon 32s - Google it.

Good qualification buctootim. The forum seems to be out of kilter today. "They" appear to have invaded all areas of the forum. The contrarians, the ****-shakers, the Apple fans, the depressives and the terminally dull are showing their faces all over the place today. (And I count myself in their number). But to top it all, The Man has replied to a post in the site suggestions forum. It's all very disconcerting. I'm going to have a cup of tea.

I had an Uncle in Australia who used to revel in negative attention because he would claim that whilst someone was having a go at him, they were leaving some other poor bastard alone. Excellent logic and narcissistically altruistic I'm sure you'll agree. So, we (The Muppet Show) are taking one for the team (Main bored, Lounge, Arts, Tech, etc.) here. Keep him talking Muppets.

Hello Essruu, shh, it's OK, it's OK, shh. I'm here for you. You've bought the right brand. Your years of investment in Apple technology isn't wasted. It's still good kit, supplied by a company that knows how to convince people to pay a premium for the perception of quality. To answer your question directly, I'd imagine the experience with Google over a Nexus 4 return would be inferior in almost every way. They simply don't have enough margin in each handset to pay for the sort of cosseting that Apple can indulge in. In fact, I'm not even certain that they make a profit at all on the device. They appear to be buying their way into the market to hurt Apple (and others). Then again, I suppose it's about expectations. The Nexus 4 is a cheap, contract-free phone sold via the internet to people who either place more value on function than form, prefer leading edge technology, or just don't have the cash for an Apple device. For those reasons, the expectation from Google in a return scenario would likely be less. As neither of us knows, I'll speculate a little. I reckon inside of warranty, Google would simply exchange the phone. It simply costs them less to do this than employing expensive humans to engage in debate with customers. Outside of warranty, I'm guessing they'd simply refuse to replace the device. So inferior service to Apple? Yes, in all likelihood. Poor service? No, I don't think they can afford to provide poor service. In fact, I think if there was the same level of unrest in the Google community about the sort of problems Apple engineered into their products, Google might find themselves compelled to replace them outside of warranty too. I'm guessing, and I'd happily concede that this may not happen, but Google is smart enough to know that they can't afford bad press if they are going to make further inroads into Apple's markets. This isn't about valuing customers, it's understanding and manipulating market dynamics. As I said, Kudos to Apple for replacing the device. A premium device bought for a premium price with a problem brought about by a far-from-premium software upgrade. If you look at the articles and discussions that I linked to, you'll see that punters were complaining for months before Apple's covert FoC exchange policy. Look at some of the language used by their premium-paying customers on those forums in the period where Apple went dark on the problem. I'm not sure that they felt that the premium they paid was delivering value. Eventually, I'm guessing that media-savvy Apple felt the cost to the brand of holding out was less than the cost of replacing the handsets. Again, fair enough, Apple is after all a pragmatic and well-oiled corporate machine (as is Google, Samsung, et al). As for paying a premium for quality products, my contention is that this Apple=Quality equation is starting to be questioned. This could be doubly damaging for Apple at a time when more and more people seem to be looking to balance those equations with =Value, =Innovation or even =Differentiated. Personally, I find it amazing that when people walk into the beautiful, brightly lit and expensive Apple stores that they don't associate their personal complicity in their own exploitation. Perhaps they do. All the time Apple was providing kit that nobody else had, it was fine, but now similar functionality can be access for a fraction of the prince. The Emperor is naked. Perhaps I'm not the right person to judge. After all, if I didn't have kids to tell me how embarrassing I am, I'd be dressed by George at ASDA. I don't want to come across all tit-for-tattery, I am genuinely interested to hear from Apple users about their experiences.

Yes pap, I must admit I was a little underwhelmed. Reminded me of this...

Oh.

Genuinely pleased for you, but out of interest what measurement of wealth are you using?

Hmm. When Spudders suggested a recruitment drive, I genuinely thought it was a good idea. However, I'm now edging towards a policy of licensed culling of certain posters. I thought TB had been irradiated over the last couple of months. This place had become a great place to kick-back and spend some time discussing our team's success without risk of infection. But in recent weeks good people of TMS, I've noticed the return of TB to these isles. Yes, Twat-dispensed Bigotry is being spread across these fora. So grab a rhetoric rifle with laser sights, confront this evil disease wherever it is seen and shoot those badger-faced ****tards that would have this place turn bigoted Barry beige.

Had a look at one in the phone shop the other day. It feels like a million quid in your hand I must admit and I can certainly see why you'd want to stay in the Apple ecosystem, but I'm starting to read a lot about Apple quality issues. It would be interesting to hear about your ongoing experiences with the phone danner. Before this turns into a whataboutery session, I freely acknowledge that Android phone manufacturers have more than their fair share of problems - and probably more than Apple. But I've noticed a lot of press around Apple problems recently. I see that Apple's making a public recall of MacBook Air units at risk of catostrophic SSD failure. They are also recalling iPhone 5s units with manufacturing issues that lead to battery life problems. That's fair enough, they're a very big company and quality control is not easy when profits are being squeezed due to agile and innovative competitors. But an organisation that sets a premium price for its products can only sustain that if the premium halo doesn't fall. And personal experience tells me that a little of the lustre is being rubbed off the Apple brand at the moment. My daughter has an Apple 4s and absolutely loves it. Before she got it, I tried to at least get her to consider an alternative (Nexus 4). She rightly pointed out that it's ugly compared to the 4s and so she got a 4s in white. She'd had it for a while when she upgraded to iOS 6. A short while after doing so her WiFi stopped working. The WiFi would just not turn on and the Bluetooth capability stopped too. It appeared to me to be a hardware failure. If you understand software and hardware, you'd probably think that it would be very unlikely that these two events could be linked. How can the upgrade of an OS cause a hardware failure? See here: http://techland.time.com/2013/06/06/apples-ios-6-1-3-update-can-knock-out-wi-fi-bluetooth-and-cost-you-200-to-fix/ https://discussions.apple.com/thread/4909703?start=0&tstart=0 http://support.apple.com/kb/ts1559 After much Googling, it appeared that the v 6.1.3 of iOS changed the heat tolerance for the chip that controls WiFi and Bluetooth and this caused the the chip to fail. I'll say that one more time, an Apple-created software upgrade caused the hardware to fail. I don't think Apple is prepared to acknowledge that this is the case publicly, but kudos to them for the way they are covertly dealing with the problem. As has been suggested in the various threads on this, my daughter turned up at the Apple store with her beaten up 4s, described the problem and left with a brand new one. No questions asked, no reason given. Her phone was 2 months out of its warranty period too. As I say, I'd really like to hear about your own experiences with the 5s over the coming months. Also despite disappointing sales, if anyone else has bought the 5c I'd be interested to hear about your experiences.

What a coincidence Toke, my browser home page is www.myemoporn.com. Well, www.myemoporn.com/goats to be precise, but in all the times I'd visited that site I had never come across the Minx masquerader until about 48 seconds ago.

Yeah, mixed bag I guess. I've seen a number of live DVDs where he wasn't very "engaged" and that's when he knew he was being recorded. This was the gig I was at. http://www.whiskyfun.com/Gigs/Lou-Reed.html The reviewer went with a negative preconception, but came away impressed. It really was a stunning night (as long as you understood the context).

Paco Rabanne is for old men. Personally, I use Paco Rabanne.

Opinions and arseholes scotty...although either you've got the wrong gig or have had the ability to discern quality surgically removed. You really should have done some research before going to a Lou Reed gig expecting to be charmed. On stage in his later years he was notorious for having all the charm of gastroenteritis. The gig I saw was from the Berlin album tour of 2007. You'd know it because it featured an orchestra and a local choir and had 25+ people on stage. I don't know if you know the Berlin album, but it's a concept piece that focuses on the effect of drugs and violence on a relationship and their kids. The subject matter is very dark and a good mate of mine, who is 10 years older than me, had for many years held me enthralled with his tales of his own drug experiences whist listening to Berlin in the 70s. Listening to the album after that always made me feel emotionally connected to it. I guess having heard those stories, listened to the album, had a belly-full of IPA from the pub down the road and being there with the same close friend made that night very special. Having said that he was charmless on stage, he was pretty good that night and for the encore he played a number of classics - Satellite of Love, Walk on the Wild Side, etc. Don't know if it was the same gig or if we're just wired differently. Whatever. Either way he left a hell of a legacy and made a massive impact on the music industry.

To a man with low self-esteem who is only concerned with "filling gaps", I imagine you can turn anyone into anyone else simply by adjusting the angle of your squint. For example, how many degrees would you have to turn one eye through in order for, say, Margaret Thatcher's corpse to turn into Hannah Minx? My money is close to 180 degrees, so you'd have to be starting straight ahead whilst simultaneously examining your optical nerve. Having one eye staring at your own brain is not an easy look to carry off Toke. Fair play for you to be able to do this and still "pull". You should be proud that you can do this. A thought occurs to me though, and only knowing you virtually Toke, I can't be sure of this. But all the time you were channelling Marty Feldman and feeling up the All Saints doppel-minger, do you suppose that she was also squinting at her own brain imagining that instead of further ruining her family's good name by being groped by you, it was in fact a madly squinting Brad Pitt that was navigating her knickers, flicking with away with a muscular digit like a subuteo champion?

Ok. First things first. I wake up every morning at 5:30am, I stretch, make my way to the smallest room, deal with the daily ablutions, and then log in to SaintsWeb. Each morning I first read the Forum Terms & Conditions and Muppet Show rules, just in case anything has been changed or added since I last logged in. In keeping to this simple routine, I am able to stay abreast of the wishes of The Man as to how this forum should be used. One of the rules that The Man has implemented to ensure that this site remains an enjoyable place to virtually vegetate, surrounds the habit of checking for existing threads on the same topic before starting a new thread. And so it was with a heavy heart and not a little despair for the future of the human race that I logged on this morning to see the third thread on the topic of fish sex, fish mating and odd noises in the night. http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/showthread.php?47314-Town-on-southcoast-Fish-ex http://www.saintsweb.co.uk/showthread.php?47181-Miltonroader-snoring-noise-in-Southampton And now this one. Now, I realise that The Man can't be everywhere to tidy up these dollops or duplicate dullness, which is why he has devolved responsibility for policing this place to team of overly officious and minutely-hung moderators. Today Muppets, our team of minutely-hung Muppet Show moderators has failed us. These threads should have been merged and infractions issued. I don't pay £5 per year to have to moderate this place myself. Well I do I suppose, but I shouldn't have to. I think that is that point I'm trying to make. I have a friend, who himself used to have a lady friend, who apparently turned into a fish once in the bedroom. My friend would complain that, whilst his lady's level of personal hygiene was meticulously high everywhere else, her lady garden was unkempt and unloved and nasally conjured up a fish monger's workplace. He called her the fish lady, would tell anyone that would listen that cunnilingus with her was akin to staring at a cleaved pomegranate whist putting one's tongue on a PP9 battery. By the way Lighthouse, two questions. How minutely hung do you have to be to have fish sex without waking the recipient? Have you considered applying for the apparently vacant position of Muppet Show Moderator?

Very sad news. Too "young" to get him first time round, but the New York album made me go back through his solo and Velvet Underground back catalogue. Lyrical and musical genius. One of the best and most moving gigs I ever experienced was his revisiting of the Berlin album at Hammersmith Apollo a few years back. His autobiography is well worth a read if you're a fan. He had a very difficult teenage life and went on to consume enough chemicals and alcohol to have killed a horse. I suspect all that waiting for his man contributed to his relatively early death. A Dime Store Mystery.

Agree about Hangelland shurlock, but not about Bent and Berbatov (and Ruiz). I'd say that Jol's "plan" for the game was to cross his fingers and hope that we didn't play like we did at Utd. If he'd seen us play at all this year, then he needed his team to defend from forwards to defence. And if that was the case, then he put out the wrong team/formation. We did play like we did at Utd and then some, and from about 10 mins in it was clear it was only going to get worse. I'm not sure which commentators you listened to/watched that said that the Berbatov / Bent partnership was trying to press, because having watched all of the coverage and post-match analysis, the universal conclusion that I heard was that Berbatov was his usual disinterested self and gave up with a sulk and Bent was anonymous. I've just looked at the Opta stats and Berbatov and Bent made zero tackles and one interception all game. My eyes told me the same. As I said, we could only beat what was put in front of us, and by God we did that well. A truly stunning team performance. But we didn't score the amount that our possession suggested we should, and teams that don't approach the game with the arrogance/complacence of Fulham will be a real bellwether of how far we've come.