*Halo*

Thanks mate. Well, just recently, I was spending a moment or two, mulling over the concepts of the PST's "bid". And during my musings, there was one word that kept on cropping up: If. If, if, if. Perhaps throw in a few buts and maybes for good measure, but essentially, the whole thing is based upon "if this happens", "if that happens", "we can do this:". It reminded me of a famous piece of writing, by a certain Mr. Rudyard Kipling. Here's the original, for a comparison: http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/rudyard_kipling/kipling_if.htm But I thought I'd have a little go at penning my own version of the old classic. I've tried to keep as much as possible to the original structure, so it was a task to put it together, keeping with the original rhyme and meter. If... (By *Halo* Kipling) If you can keep your (stolen) cash when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can run the P*mpey Trust when all men doubt you, But take advantage of your local Council too; If you can wait and not be liquidated by waiting, Or, being laughed about, for telling so many lies, Or, being hated, for never stopping cheating, And yet never being very good, nor very wise; If you can cheat - and not make tax your master; If you can lie - and not make truth your aim; If you can meet with Al-Faraj and Al-Fahim And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the lies you've spoken Exposed by PTS nutjobs, to make you look complete and utter fools, Or watch the team you spunked a fortune on broken, And stoop so low, to sell your Club to endless criminals; If you can win one FA Cup from all your cheating, And rip off creditors and never give a toss, And lose it all, and start your endless bleating, And never breath a word about your part in all your loss; If you can force all your high wage earning players, To compromise, and stitch them up as soon as they are gone, And somehow still not fold when there is nothing in you; Except the fat in your pipes, and a clock that's always wrong. If you can talk up pathetic crowds and keep your face straight, Or walk with he who rings - but lose the southsea common touch; If two hundred and fifty thousand "fans" desert you; And never "Pack the Park" when you're going bust; If you can fulfil the stringent Council loan conditions; And keep old Balu Chinny sweet with rent for years to come - Yours is Nottarf Krap, and all the fat that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a f*cking cheating Skate my son! Anyway, time to watch the Premier League Saints.

Thanks St Chalet. Yeah, quality over quantity is the way for me. Or is it just inconsistency? I can't decide. You'd all get bored of me if I posted too often anyway. Glad you liked the 'pluck p*mpey' song. And sorry about the IPad mate. Cheers mate. It was when I wrote it, getting it out of the system. But then I read it back after, and it made me angry again. Michael Douglas doesn't have enough guns in that bag to dispense with the 'justice' they deserve. Cheers alpine. I can't imagine why. Sorry to hear that mate. That sucks. At least he's not a p*mpey fan. It could be worse. There's always that chink of light to brighten his mood. Thanks Kingsbridge. Honoured to make your list. Sorry to disappoint you my friend, but the pair of testicles dangling between my legs indicates the contrary. And yes, I was definitely born with them. Pure 100% heterosexual red blooded male here, and former member of the Master Bates PM club. Maybe you're thinking of slipped_halo? She's a girl. Thanks Eric, glad you enjoyed it. I don't think there will be any goings on down at Fortress Fatpipes in three years. Unless you count Tesco's shoppers. Lol, happy be of some amusement my friend. I'm not even approaching that level. Rallyboy has quality and quantity. An endless supply of comedy genius. I am not fit to tie his laces. "Great Uncle Trevor Bulgaria". Funniest post I've ever read on here. I couldn't stop laughing all day, whenever I thought of it. Cheers Danish. Glad my tirade found favour with you mate. Thanks for the inclusion dronski. It has been a great few days of quality amusement in here. I loved that Carlisle fan's contribution too. Despite the media blackout surrounding the disgraceful antics down the road on the Isle of Skullduggery, your average fan on the street is waking up, and smelling the pungent aroma of rotten fish. F*cking cheating skate c*nts are 1-0 up against Cherries at half time, with a bunch of mercenaries they can't afford. Insult to injury. Solent fawning all over the "bestest fans in the world eva™". Nothing changes. 15,000 odd there apparently, and they "can't see an empty seat". The fatpipes must've burst and covered over them all.

As I've spent the last three years of my life, following every page of this most stunning rollercoaster of a topic; variously chuckling quietly to myself, or laughing out loud in genuine hysterics at the priceless comedy, tutting under my breath as they get away with yet something else again, tearing my hair out as they add insult to injury, and even on occasions, temporarily taking leave of my usual calm and balanced demeanor to hurl the odd tirade of obscenities at my monitor upon reading of yet more spurious skate skullduggery, with a few random exceptions, I've usually kept my own counsel, and just enjoyed reading all the fantastic contributions from so many dedicated 'nutjobs'. This evening is a little different however. As the Minister of P*mpey Disinformation - gleefully, arrogantly, boastfully, and infuriatingly smugly "ticked off" a list of names via his dedicated personal propaganda outlet, - something gave way within me. There was a raw, deafening, sickening shattering sound, that reverberated right through me, as the camel's back finally snapped, splintering into something approaching three hundred million shards, as it succumbed to the pressure of just that one flicking V-shaped straw too many. Genuine anger, coursed through me in waves, and found its outlet of expression, in the form of fingers tracing keys, and these words pouring out across the blank canvass of this page, like crimson splattering across pristine unspoiled snow, following an explosive blast. If I'm honest, even in such a slow to anger man as I, it had been slowly building within me, for some time now. Like a coiled cobra, awaiting to strike and spit venom. Neil Allen was merely the sanctimonious incendiary device. Something about the manner of his delivery, had images of that iconic shot of Lowe with the f*cking inane smug smirk etched across his face, rampaging through my mind, and calling down the descending red mists, as if by some ancient pagan incantations, heralding the falling of fire from heaven. All throughout this most captivating "Saga", - the twists and the turns, the exasperation and the laughter, coffee over keyboards, quality over quantity, and a catalogue of really dumbuya's, - I always managed to retain a sense of perspective. "It's just football, and not worth losing my rag over". But, it's not just football though, is it. We're talking about a serially corrupt, criminal operation, that has destroyed lives, financially raped and pillaged, consistently rode roughshod over not just sporting rules, but the laws of nation states, gets off with a slap on the wrist, the slate effectively 'wiped clean', and then immediately re-embarks upon its preferred lifestyle of a serial rampant rapist, without the slightest remorse. Rinse and repeat. Rape. Rinse and repeat. From Serbian tax cheats, to Israeli Arms dealers, convicted fraudsters popping up to 'lend a hand' with the accounts, the ice-cream man to the invisible man, an administration and a Hong Kong loan shark, the FA's "Head of Integrity" to the Russian Mafia, back to the loan shark and have another administration. Business as usual at Fatpipes Park. You put f*ck all in, you take three hundred mill out: in admin, out, in admin, out you fake sheik it all about. You do the plucky p*mpey, and you turn around, debt's what it's all about! Whoa, the plucky p*mpey Whoa, the plucky p*mpey Whoa, the plucky p*mpey, Knees bent pants down, Rah rah rah! Seven years (or is it eight now? I've lost count!) of living on the "tick" like there's no tomorrow, shafting anyone in sight with the naivety to do business with them, taking what's not theirs and endlessly spunking it all up the wall, like Eddie Mitchell at a "free bar". "What do you mean we've got to pay for it?!?" "It's p*mpey, innit mush!" For some utterly bizarre, insular, island dwelling reason that I simply cannot begin to fathom, p*mpey think they are a "special case", and that the rules do not apply to them. The saddest thing is, that to a certain extent at least, the so called "Governing Body" of our game, seem to actually agree with them! How??? Just how the f*ck can they possibly be allowed to "sign" these new players? Transfer embargo or not, "non contract monthly contracts" or not, sanctions not coming into effect until exiting administration or not, these serially offending cheating c*nts have just spent the past seven years, clocking up and blowing off nigh on £300 MILLION pounds of 'debt' that they likely never had the slightest intention of settling, and f*ck the tax on that, cos "it's p*mpey innit". P*ssing multi millions of other people's money down the fat infested Fratton drains, 'agree' CVA, stick two fingers up at CVA, plunder the life savings of poor Lithuanian pensioners, rack up another near £60 Mill of debt, again, don't worry about tax cos "it's p*mpey innit", 'agree' another CVA you'll never pay, never learn your lessons, carry on regardless. And now here we are. UnAppy bemoaning the "slightly unprofessional" approach of your paymaster telling you it's time to live within your means, all ninety five minutes worth of playing a group of players you can actually (maybe - kind of) 'afford', and despite everything that has gone before, and f*cking over yet more creditors, in come ten new players other League One teams can't afford, to keep up p*mpey's 'divine right' to be "competitive". Whilst the club is teetering on the verge of liquidation. And the bumbling old Football League fools just stand idly by and watch this sick sh*t happen. I was previously of the opinion whilst death was what they deserve, it was fun to keep watching the car crash stumble on, if for nothing else than our daily entertainment and general hilarity. And above all, I didn't want to lose our captivating rivalry. But it has to stop somewhere, and the toothless Football League making a mockery of their own competition by continuing to allow them to keep flicking the V's at all the other Clubs who do cut their cloth accordingly, is the final straw for me. It is a f*cking disgrace. And through all this, the print and broadcast media always remain strangely, outrageously silent in regards to the blatant unfairness of it all, and the endless 'special treatment' afforded to the feckless few. It's like the Emperor's new clothes. Everyone knows they're not wearing any, but for some utterly bizarre reason, no-one seems to have the testicles to just say it like it is: "You're f*cking stark b*llock NAKED p*mpey!!!" I've had enough of this car crash . Had enough of the football world in general and the media's tepid response of "move along now folks, nothing to see here, it's just p*mpey innit!" So you can stick your rivalry up your fatpipes. As Jack so eloquently put it in a film we all know and love: "F*ck you, f*ck fight club, f*ck Marla, I am sick of all your sh*t!" Just f*cking die now; you f*cking cheating skate c*nts!

Hi Steve. Firstly, I'm not putting myself forward for the obvious reason of my lack of activity here, and also not having anything the like the required free time to commit to it. But, I've been Administrating and Moderating forums for a very long time, and feel I'm a good 'judge' of character where it comes to selecting my Staff Teams. I don't post here a lot, but I have read here almost everyday since it's inception (from S4E days), and as such feel I have a good unbiased and circumspect overview, of who would be a good fit for this particular forum.Therefore, whilst none of them have submitted their own applications so far, I'd like to add some suggestions for you to consider, should they wish to apply: GoldenBalls, Chez, and S-Clarke, from my observations over much time here, all possess the requisite temperament for the job, as well as the longevity of involvement on the board to garner the level of respect needed. All three have the maturity and balance necessary to carry out Moderator duties with respect for the role, a sense of fairness, and an unbiased approach; and I believe would be undertaking the role for the right reasons. All of the above qualities, amongst others, would set these three excellent members as stand out candidates at the top of my list, were it myself Admining the board, and looking to appoint new additions to my Staff Team. I would also be inclined to add two - preferably three new Staff to your Team myself, rather than the "one - perhaps two" currently under consideration. From what I see, the workload here is sufficiently high enough already, (and especially taking into consideration that the new season is upon us, with a tricky start) that it warrants a considerable increase in staffing levels, to help the existing team deal with the level of workload that a busy and, shall we say "heated" forum such as ours generates. I hope you will take some time to consider my constructive and well intentioned thoughts on the matter Steve. I also hope you three (GoldenBalls, Chez, and S-Clarke) will consider applying for the positions, as I have confidence you'll all be very well suited for the role, and that our forums will be in capable hands, with your 'responsible' fingers on the buttons. Good luck if you decide to go for it.

Well, unfortunately a busy life has deprived me of the chance to stay completely up to date with events down on the Isle of Skates at Fortress Fatpipes, as much as I would have liked. I keep coming back to catch up, but I always seem to be about ten pages behind. Still, after a couple of days off, I'm all up to date now, and just want to add my thanks to the 'usual suspects' for endless pages of comedy gold. And to all our regular PST comic genius's too, for ripping the p!ss out of them for it; and catering for our daily entertainment! Our roving reporter has been down to the Rust Bowl in disguise, to take a look at just how bad the situation is, and has reported back with these classified images: Hmmm, well, that doesn't look too healthy, does it?! So, how does this fatty situation affect the quality of what passes through the clogged Fratton waterways? Ahh, I see. So, who wants a nice refreshing glass of Fratton Water??? NO??? Don't worry, such wonderful "world renowned" support as the skates enjoy, aren't subject to such poor standards of quantity over quality. That's just for the away fans. The "bestest fans in the world eva!!!111" get theirs purified first! Mmmm, that looks delicious! So, as our fishy friends continue to struggle on valiantly, with all these nasty creditors having the audacity to keep pestering them for their 0.4p in the pound, and those outrageous devils the players, those former loyal "heroes" turned disgraceful villians actually having the temerity of wanting to be paid for the privilage of representing such a fine and respectable club as p*rtsmouth, and the spectre of that evil dastardly Mr. Chinny looming large, as dear old Trevor threatening hovers over the 'liquidate' button... the only other fitting thing of note to add in summation, would be:

I didn't. I took very little time, and very little effort, to simply relay the fantasies of a very strange skate, who provided some amusement for me whilst waiting at a bus stop, having just got off the train back from Southampton. I did this firstly to share that amusement with my fellow Saints, for some light pre-derby entertainment, and secondly, by way of a "head's up", in the unlikely event of there being any truth in it. I could perhaps understand your unfounded accusation, if I had a history of making up and posting crap rumours around here, but my rather unassuming posting history clearly indicates the opposite. This was a far more appropriate way of raising the same question: It's not dripping with the same assumptive pretension of all knowing 'fact', and allows room for the truth of the latter. Far more respectful, so thanks for that. Anyway, think I've only got one post left now, so will leave it there.

Lol. I had a feeling this would descend into hilarity. That's the most amusing part for me. If this guy actually believed what he was telling me, and he seemed to, what a great idea to tell the enemy all about your plans. Obviously not been reading Sun Tzu's Art of War. Lol, love it. Thanks for sending me off to work with a laugh.

Just had a rather strange 'run in' with one of the 'blue few' this evening. (This was in Bournemouth where I live now by the way, not Southampton). I had in my hand a Saints carrier bag (from the Megastore), when I was approached by a relatively 'normal' looking (for a skate at least), well dressed, 'businessman' type. "You scummers don't know what's coming for you on Saturday mate"; were the words he chose to open dialogue with me. I humoured him, thinking he was talking in football terms at first, but it soon became apparent that he was not. I don't know why he chose to tell me this, as quite obviously it was not something I was likely to keep to myself, but the summary of his 'revelations' is as follows: The typical knuckledragging 657 crew type species of skate, 'allegedly' have planned something called "Project Scum Breaker". I would have thought this would have been out on the skate forums by now if there is any truth in it, so I thought I'd throw it out there to see if anyone else has heard anything of it. According to this strange skate, who was very calm and completely un-antagonistic, "Project Scum Breaker" has three parts: 1). Operation Action Station: Lots of not very pleasant or friendly types are 'allegedly' descending on mass via Southampton Central. No intention of going to the game of course, just coming down for "one last visit" to "pay their respects". (No time of arrival was mentioned). 2). Operation Infiltration: Certain skates have visited SMS during the season 'incognito', to get on the database, and have acquired tickets at random places throughout the crowd, which have been distributed to those who will "use them well". 3). Operation Invasion: Many of those who are at the game, are 'allegedly' planning a mass pitch invasion, hoping to spark retaliation from us, leading to the game being abandoned, and us getting a points deduction for failure to control the crowd. Now, there is of course a high likelihood that this is pure fantasy, as most of the kind of skates who'd be likely to want to do this kind of thing, are unlikely to be able to spell the word operation, let alone actually plan and effectively execute one. But probable delusion and lunacy aside, this was obviously not something I could just 'sit on'. Just be aware of the possibility, however remote, that this could be their plan of action; and if indeed number 3) occurs, please think first of our Club and its hopefully impending promotion before you react. Don't fall into their trap. Let the German Shepherds deal with them. Like I said, probably utter boll*cks, and just a skate on a wind up, but I'm sure you can still see why I felt it necessary to bring this strange encounter out into the light of 'public' scrutiny. I'm sure we must have a resident "intelligence" presence amongst us monitoring things too, so hopefully in the remote event of any truth in this, the information may prove 'useful' to someone. Enough from me anyway, must be on my way out shortly; just wanted to get this up now, rather than wait until I'm on tomorrow. Anyone else heard anything that may corroborate any of this?

It is my little nephews that I feel for. Before my Sis divorced her nutcase ex husband, and they came back into my life again, my nephews were quite happy being plastic Man Utd fans. When they started coming down from Cornwall to stay for school holidays, good old uncle *Halo* began taking them to St. Mary's to see the mighty Saints. Now converted Saints, but still living in Cornwall, the only times they normally get to watch us, is on tv, and relatively infrequent visits to SMS when they come to stay. I text our youngest on friday to say Saints are on tv, and he text back "Yes! Can't wait to watch us! Thanks!" And then there's the aftermath: "Not fair. Top and always winning until I watch and we are useless and lose. Friends all laughing at me now. " After the game, I told him it's probably best if I don't tell him when we're on tv next time, as he always gets so upset when we lose. I wanted to say "keep the faith, we'll stuff the Skates, go on to win this league and get back where we belong", but although I believe it myself, don't want to get his hopes up only to risk having them dashed again. In my heart, I know I've done a good thing, turning them to the Red and White "side of The Force", as they actually get to watch their team playing real live in the flesh football at SMS from time to time, and it gives them something to look forward to; rather than just watching mancs on MOTD. I know that our Club is going places, and will become something they can be proud of. But at times like yesterday, when we turn out abject dross on the rare times my little ones get to watch; followed by upset lost little voices on the end of the phone, I do sometimes wonder, what have I done?

For sure. 'Cheating' to replace 'dirty' across the board. For the last of my three contributions of the day, to Chelsea's "Carefree": "Debt free, World Class Academy... We are the solvent Saints FC... you've got fat in ya pipes, and ya clock is still f^cked up, cos ya wasted half a billion on a f^ckin F.A. Cup!" ^^^(Needs to be sung sloooow-ly) ^^^

Wasn't that by "The Automatic"? Would be good if we can replace the word "dirty" skate b^stards, with "cheating" skate b^stards in any appropriate lyrics. They really hate being called cheats.

Got two more tickets today. Approximately 700 tickets left to go now for a sell out (as of 11am today, so probably less by now). Mainly in Blocks 22-26 near back of Chapel, and a few left near front of Chapel. Anyone who wants (and is able) to be at possibly the last ever Saints vs skates game, has no reason to miss out. Ticket Office said to be quick though, as not expecting them to last past the weekend.

Ticket Office really is a joke, isn't it? Just phoned up to get my customer number so I can book an extra ticket for my Dad online. Guy on the phone says "You cannot book for Pompey online. Phone or Ticket Office only." I laughed, and told him "well that's strange, because there's a lot of fans on TSW who said they bought online today". "I think they may be disappointed then" he replied. "You cannot book Pompey online, so they may well not get their tickets". Just a heads up for you guys that have. Most likely just a moron I was speaking to who hasn't got a clue what he's doing. But, it could be worth you double checking to make sure you're not disappointed. He also told me, only about 1000 tickets left now, and only in Chapel and Chapel corners.

Peterborough Vs West Ham: Live Radio Commentary available here for anyone who wants to listen: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/radio/bbc_radio_cambridge/listenlive Coverage begins at 7pm.

Cheers for all your replies, much appreciated. Sorry for my late response, been away for a bit and internet dongle expired. Thanks a lot for your input Steve, yes we are using MySQL, I will look into mysqldump. I don't recall ever seeing it in the ACP, even as a root admin. I could have just not noticed it, or maybe as you indicate, our free host does not afford us the opportunity. Very kind of you Baj, thanks a lot for the offer. Unfortunately we use forumotion as our host, but thanks for the thought. Thank you for your reply Tractor_Saint. Yes, there is a domain parking option as I understand. I'll just tie in your and Steve's last two posts too, as it relates. You are both correct. The community is growing, and certain upcoming events are likely to see another considerable increase in traffic too, so yes, we are looking to boost performance; and yes, we do also want our own domain and server for the extra security, as well as the extra powers of customisation, control, and freedom to expand that having our own place can offer us. It is looking very likely now that we'll be looking to move from phpBB3 to Invision Power forum software too. Thanks again for you input guys, much appreciated. The main concern we have at the moment, is if we are going to undertake the migration ourselves, how great is the possibility of us messing something up and deleting things we don't want to? Of course, it will all be being backed up first, but still want to be prepared for the worst case facepalm scenarios. --->

Had a couple of hours to spare before friends arrived, after listening to Saints on Tuesday night, so felt like being creative... Click 1st image for full size version: Hopefully they come out the right size this time.

Thanks for replying. We are currently using phpBB3, yes, open source. We're considering switching to Invision for the new forum, but may yet stay with phpBB3. We've definitely decided on the move to getting our own server and domain, but we're not ready to go ahead with the move literally right away, just doing our 'due diligence' and research first. Any other info useful for you?

Hi guys, have a few questions on server migration, if anyone can offer some advice? Preparaing to move an online community from a free forum host, to our own new server and domain. Looking to do so as cost effectively as possible, and preferably, to do it ourselves, to further reduce costs. (We're all relatively tech savvy, but not undertaken a migration before). Any suggestions as to any essential software needed (if free, even better) to tackle this process? Also, we're wanting to keep the old free forum as a back up, in case we ever have any future downtime, and need somewhere else to communicate. - What are any potential pitfalls to be aware of during migration? - Will all topics & posts on old forum be removed or retained when transfering to new forum? (In other words, is it more of a cut and paste, or copy/paste, by way of a weak analogy?) - And is there an option either way, depending on if we want to keep the old posts on old forum or not? - If anything goes wrong during migration, is there a risk of members' accounts being deleted from old forum, and again, if we decided we actually wanted to delete accounts from old forum during migration, is that an option? I think that's it for preliminary questions anyway, many thanks in advance for any help and advice you can offer.

He really deserves something to mark his achievements and services to Southampton FC...

Sorry, that last post was formatted when I typed and previewed it. NoScript was blocking something, so it screwed up. Watford should be 2 or 3 up now from counter attacks, but failed to convert good chances. End to end now...

Listening to Hammers on BBC Radio London. 1st half was dire. West Ham started 2nd half very brightly, and were starting to build a lot of pressure on the Watford goal... right up until Dale Bennett was stretchered off for Watford on a back-board in a neck brace. There was about a 10 minute delay for the injury, so will be a lot of added time. Since the injury Watford were dominant up until 5 mins after their goal. Since then, Vaz Te and Baldock are on for Hammers, and they are well on top again now. Fingers crossed Watford can hold on under pressure.

Not normally one for "me too's", but as others have said, I have a strong feeling that tonight's was a season defining victory; and it indeed feels as significant as Milton Keynes at Home last season. Immense rearguard action. Nowhere to hide from the fact that Leeds were superb today, and handed us a proper battering. Yet, despite the almost relentless battering, we withstood the tidal onslaught of intense pressure. We stood firm, and although our goal mouth was under almost incessant siege, we were not 'ripped apart', as an unbelievable clean sheet will testify. In a way, our bravery and outstanding resilience tonight, reminded me of Michael Atherton's legendary stand against Allan Donald, at Trent Bridge, back in 1998, as he somehow repelled a fearsome and fiery display of brutal top class fast bowling. I came away from that amazing day at the Bridge, wondering just how on earth Michael managed to survive, and tonight is a similar feeling. Club Captain Super Kelvin Davis stood up to everything that was thrown at him today; pulling off some utterly outstanding reaction saves, and just like Atherton's heroics, inspired us to somehow hold out, against all the odds. Special additional honorary mentions must also go to Jos Hooiveld, who was once again an absolute rock at the back, and Morgan Schneiderlin who was exceptional and relentless in midfield. As for Sir Ricky Lambert, well, we've just come to expect brilliance as the norm. Proud of our Team today. Not for the way we played, as who can deny that Leeds were rampant; but, for our courage, tenacity, and sheer determination to stand firm in the face of adversity. It's the stuff that Champions are made of.

Your search could not have included post number seven from this topic then. "I sincerely hope this information is of some sort of use to yourself" (as the saying goes).

Managed to get hold of a copy of the DCSB's limited edition program for last Friday's fixture...