DT

What a goal. Get in brilliant from Fonte

Do we actually want to go up?

Where is the marking? No harrying. No pressure. We're just giving them the game at the moment. Not good enough.

Hammers miss a sitter

Can't bear this. Horrible nerves.

We're very bad again.

Nigel fancies Gabby

He loses the ball far too much. Bad decision.

Guly starts. D'oh.

Saints 1 Cov 1 is Talksport's prediction, with Hammers winning 5-1. ****s. That from that former Pompey birk.

Plan B is turn the lights off at Upton Park

Knew that would happen. Ex skate Taylor cross

Get in

Ref! Send them all off please.

Can't decide whether to do my Middlesbrough trick (watch the game through fingers clasped to my head in despair), or my Peterbrough trick (turn phone back on and read messages just after final whistle). Latter trick worked, former didn't.

I would like automatic promotion to be handed to us in the scabbiest way possible. Now, preferably. Or when they take off those Pompey points...

I'm sure Leicester's Nigel Pearson will be hugely keen to do his old employers a favour. The ones who were so good to him. Not. Rollover time.

We really needed a CAPTAIN today. We don't have one.

Why has Lambert looked so disinterested today? Odd.

Final ball has been woeful again

We give the ball away time and time again. Awful.

Fonte has totally lost it

Load of shiit

What's up with Lambert today? Off the pace.

Almost perfect day so far, except Boro need a win.