miserableoldgit

Had these e-mailed to me today. SOME are quite funny My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that ... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Bugger me, talk about Dyson with death. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "You're obviously not bloody listening." The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Hi mate, I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

But at least most of us old gits can spell properly!!

2010/11 season ticket renewal prices (last year's prices in brackets): Centre: Adults £393 (£350), senior/young adult £300 (£261), 16 & under £246 (£210), 12 & under £219 (£175), adult & U16 pair £596 (£510), adult & U12 pair £543 (£430), adult & U8 pair £393 (£350). Wings/goals: Adults £328 (£288), senior/young adult £290 (£252), 16 & under £167 (£135), 12 & under £114 (£80), adult & U16 pair £460 (£380), adult & U12 pair £435 (£320), adult & U8 pair £328 (£288). Family enclosure: Adults £277 (£240), senior/young adult £193 (£160), 16 & under £158 (£126), 12 & under £84 (£48), adult & U16 pair £400 (£329), adult & U12 pair £328 (£240), adult & U8 pair £277 (£240). 2010/11 new season ticket prices (last year's prices in brackets): Centre: Adults £426 (£351), senior/young adult £314 (£270), 16 & under £266 (£225), 12 & under £247 (£190), adult & U16 pair £635 (£511), adult & U12 pair £578 (£431), adult & U8 pair £426 (£351). Wings/goals: Adults £391 (£342), senior/young adult £304 (£260), 16 & under £186 (£150), 12 & under £155 (£80), adult & U16 pair £499 (£454), adult & U12 pair £480 (£374), adult & U8 pair £391 (£342). Family enclosure: Adults £382 (£333), senior/young adult £239 (£200), 16 & under £175 (£140), 12 & under £119 (£48), adult & U16 pair £495 (£413), adult & U12 pair £433 (£333), adult & U8 pair £382 (£333).

Since the age range for concessions has changed, my ticket has gone from £300 to £515 :-(

It`s because men only have two hands.

Pardon???

He obviously hasn`t been reading this thread!!

Says you!!

Whilst I am sure that some of them ARE striking, I don`t think that as a a whole, they are any better looking than Traffic Wardens in any other city.

According to Radio Solent they have.

No bloody signings yet!!! WTF is going on???

I remember seeing LJB as part of "Steam Packet" supporting Chuck Berry at The Gaumont (now Mayflower) in the late 60`s. They were quite a line up:- Long John Baldry - vocals Rod Stewart - vocals Julie Driscoll - vocals Brian Auger - Organ Vic Briggs - guitar Richard Brown - bass guitar Micky Waller - drums and he was quite credible blues singer in those days. He did rather sell out after "Let the Heartaches......." As for Sandy Denny being "twee"....anyone who read this :- http://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Sad-Refrains-Times/dp/1900924358 will find a rather complicated sometimes very sad personality. I find nothing "twee" in any of her music and a voice that will be remembered for a long, long time. Incidently, this has just been released and it getting some fine reviews :- http://www.amazon.co.uk/Ebbets-Field-Fairport-Convention-Sandy/dp/B004N06E3K

But Markus wasn`t involved with the crane company was he? He had his own business Mali, so I don`t think any money came from the cranes.

One of the greatest voices ever singing IMHO the finest "electric" interpretation of a traditional song. She is still greatly missed.

I recently got the HTC Desire S and absolutely love it! Can`t recommend it highly enough. Was thinking about an i-phone but as you say quite expensive.

Firstly the remark on the programme was not said in a jokey way. The guy was really pleased that a third black person had shown up and showed it. My point was that if it had been three white people and one black person and the first white person had said "fantastic, another white person", all hell would have been let loose. Secondly, please tell me where the line is drawn between taking the **** out of somebody because of their race, religion or creed etc and the "remarks" aimed at someone from a different city. I can see no difference. As for your final remark, this is the most simplistic assesment I have ever heard. I know that throughout history, never mind the Holocaust, the Jews, for example, have been "enslaved, killed, tortured etc", but there doesn`t seem to be the "sensitivity" surrounding remarks/jokes about them that there does with black people. Throughout history people of all races and colours have been "enslaved, killed, tortured etc", often by their own people. This is the 21st Century. Supposedly more enlightened times. Generally speaking people are trying to put right the "wrongs" of the past, but it has to be a level playing field with mutual respect all round. We cannot be continually wringing our hands and saying sorry. The past is the past. Lets get on with the future.

Two points:- Firstly, it does seem strange that the "racism" thing is such a major thing on this forum when it seems quite acceptable - in fact, almost compulsory - to call people who come from Portsmouth "skates" and "fish fiddlers". Secondly, I was watching "Come Dine With Me" a few weeks ago, when out of the four contestants, three were black. When the first host, who was black himself welcomed his final guest, the third non-white, he said with great excitement "Oh fantastic - another black person!" I wonder how this remark would have been greeted if the roles were reversed and there had been three white people. I am totally against racism in all of its forms, BUT there has to be some use of common sense in the situation, a level playing field for all and less of the "witch-hunt" looking for racism where there isn`t any most of the time

You HAVE just added to it.

Thanks a lot for that. I will take your advice on both issues!!

Late for the Sky is my absolute favourite album of all time. I still play it a hell of a lot. In fact it is in my car CD player as we speak. Never get fed up with it.

Having bought the Decemberists latest CD after reading a glowing review in the Telegraph, I found that I absolutely love it. Can any Decemberist-ists out there recommend what is the next CD from their oeurve that I should buy??

This is the very performance that got me into JB all those years ago. "For a Dancer" is one of my funeral songs :-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtuvXrTz8DY&feature=list_related&playnext=1&list=AVGxdCwVVULXf0uXSk394dEeTWk88renVB Saw this comment underneath :- My Dad was a musician for his whole life and unfortunately passed away over ten years ago, This was the final song at his funeral and the coffin was not taken out of the church until the song was over and stay was just finishing. My Mum chose the song and still to this day I get comments that it was the most fitting and best chosen song to tell friends and family about his life. I could not listen to it for a couple of years after, but I could not stay away, Its part of my life:)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuiu9KYk1Fs&feature=related

Two 4-1`s would be even better!!