rallyboy

UnAppy - The club is in big trouble, we cannot spend any money and a good pre-season training camp is a vital part of our promotion campaign, would you help fund it? Ellis - I'm a fan and I want to do my bit, of course I'll help. UnAppy - thanks, it's not just a holiday... Ellis - No I appreciate that, it's a chance for the first team squad to get back to peak fitness and gel with the new signings. UnAppy - mmm. Ellis (laughing) It's not like I've been conned in to paying for a holiday for random strangers who will play no part in any pompey future!.... silence. (UnAppy shuffles awkwardly, tumbleweed blows through the room, Ellis waves goodbye to his cash and joins a long list of shafted locals)

good email that Mr T. I was a little surprised that a senior politician would advertise his ignorance quite so clearly* He obviously has NO grasp of the facts whatsoever, and his letter will be treated with disdain by the football authorities - and rightly so. He's just wasted an hour of his own life and everyone else's - a little less time harvesting the votes of simpletons and a little more time governing might be nice. *no I wasn't.

Looking for adventure?... Tired of life on the scrapheap?.... Feel that your career has hit rock bottom and you could only sink lower if you offered filthy sailor's 'special services' on the quayside? Well why not leave your **** life behind for ten days, join Capt Appy's Extreme Camping, Sailing and Hunting charity* tour of Gibraltar this summer! Day one, you meet up with a bunch of strangers and misfits in the car park of Halfords, some of these people may be convicted criminals. On the special command, you all steal bikes and head off to Camber Docks. Four stomach-churning days later your fishing vessel will sail into Gib, but there's no time for sightseeing, for the survivors it's off into the hills on two wheels to catch squirrels/monkeys and build shelters. But what's in it for me, I hear you squeal with excitement, other than motion sickness, stomach cramps, broken promises, exposure, and scurvy... Absolutely nothing! You might be asked to play a match, but you won't get taken on, and you'll get promised stuff that will never happen - you're only there to meet some contractual requirement agreed by a lunatic. But on the plus side, you'll bond with a bunch of people that you won't see ever again - and you'll come home after a week dining on the finest squirrel stew thinking that Iceland stores sell quality food, and a Premier Inn is posh. But don't take our word for it, see what our happy customers have to say... It's been four years now, seriously, when am I going to get paid? Sol, London What do you mean the squirrel is Halal? TBH, Monaco They can't afford to pay me but they're having ANOTHER fricking holiday?? Terry B, no fixed abode So these pretty little monkeys, they just hang around on the rocks, naked you say?.... AG, Horton Heath I thought Cotterill's US holiday was barmy but this takes the biscuit. LL, c/o ticket office. *No creditors will be hurt by this trip. Much.

sorry to be controversial but I've never really wanted them liquidated, I just wanted to see a decent punishment imposed for the blatant criminality and cheating. If you'd asked me a while back when it looked like they could hang onto their Championship status, I'd have said I wanted to see them starting in League One with about -15. Let's not forget that it wouldn't have required too much for us to be facing the nightmare scenario of starting in the same divison as them in a few weeks - that would've been grossly unfair. So on that basis, we are not far off the punishment that I hoped to see. If you add in the financial restrictions then perhaps we are there. If anyone still thinks they've got away with it - they've plummeted through two divisions and are potless, plus our change in fortunes has just compounded the dwindling few's misery. So for me justice has almost been done - all we need now is some sort of apology or admission of guilt and I'm happy, and from the way their fans were throwing coins and abuse out of the South Stand on our final visit to fortress fatpipes, I can see we are nearly there... I have no wish to see them saved, I certainly won't shed tears if HMS Liquidation cruises quietly past the Round Tower, the damage has all been self-harm with full fan support. But I see their current state as a pretty decent punishment, and the restrictions should halt any thoughts of a repeat. Put me down for August 2nd.

I see three likely outcomes. 1.Chinny goes bonkers and desperately tries to keep his debt alive and keeps the life support switched on. 2.Chinny cuts his losses and forces liquidation. 3.Chinny goes bonkers, takes a massive haircut and full Brazilian, and allows the Trust to take control. It is very clear that today the club is on the ground, seriously injured and at the mercy of creditors. Should they survive, will we see humble apologies and public votes of thanks to those who have written off debts? Experience says will we ****! History will be rewritten, yet more new myths will be born. Whatever form of afc pompey emerges from the debris and shame will be rebranded as the plucky club that battled it's way back to non-league glory against the odds. The debts will be swept under the carpet, the victims and charities will be airbrushed away, we will just be left with the folk storries of the fans who never gave up, the packed parks, terrified opponents crumbling under crowd pressure, the nasty league punishing them twice for the same offence, and the glorious final victory of the club that never surrendered at fortress Tesco. Their Trust will lead our national game into a new era, forcing others to rethink how they do business, they will shake the very foundations of Lancaster Gate - it will be people power reclaiming the football arenas of Britain and the world! This version of events may even be accompanied by a motivational poster showing UnAppy and Avram in some sort of dark homo-erotic gladiator pose. Either way it will gloss over the uncomfortable facts - it's been that way for the last few years, I see no reason for change. So if any of you nutjobs are expecting some sort of personality U-turn from the gobby few, don't be surprised when a year from now we are hearing a VERY different version of events. It will be how THEY told the league what would be happening, how they sold Kanu on their terms, how thousands of fans forced the Prem into backtracking, how the loyal lads embarked on a pioneering total football strategy revolutionising the world game using teenagers from their amazing academy. That's why this PTS record of events isn't just the ranting and guesswork of random loons, it's an important historical document and needs to be written out in long hand by someone...perhaps with monks doing those nice big twirly letters and gold leaf at the start of each post.

nice one G. I'm not convinced that they won't just stumble on - god knows how, but let's not forget that this turd has been bobbing about for quite a time. We've written them off before. They should've been wound up in court, and it was madness for Chinny to even think about coming back - whose to say he might not decide to chuck more money into the black hole just to spite the FL and the Trust? Though in reality, one prod with a birch twig and a good old flush might be enough to see them around the U bend.

just to address Skate Excuse no.1. The failure of the Fit and Proper Person Test..... It isn't designed to protect clubs from their own stupid decisions, in much the same way as mortgage lenders aren't there to stop you buying an ugly house with no parking. All of them will lend you a % of the money as long as they know that whatever happens they can get their share back - they don't give a sh!t if you choose a house that looks horrible or is in a nasty area, all they want is their money. For the fans and former owners to suggest the F and PPT should prevent them from welcoming lunatics and suspected crooks is ridiculous. It is mainly intended to prevent convicted criminals from taking control. If you were buying a car and the internet suggested the selling party was leaving a trail of unhappy customers, what would you do? Ask some random third party to judge whether it was a good idea, or make a judgement yourself? I chose to do business with the mafia and a loan shark - it didn't end well, it must be someone else's fault. The F and PPT is not a recruitment tool to assist club representatives who have poor judgement, it's a last resort for when their judgement is criminally poor. One day someone down there might just stand up and admit that they got it wrong - but until then, it's everyone else's fault.

while some of you are feeling smug, let's dish out some blame...the nominations for who did the most damage to plucky old pompey - Mandaric - started the ball rolling with over-inflated contracts followed by legging it when the writing was on the wall, and he sold to lunatics. Promised a stadium, knocked down a shed. Skate hero rating, 9. Storrie - Pete me old mucker, was at the helm of the train crash when it really jumped the rails - dished out more ridiculous contracts than Avram used johnnies. Didn't kill anyone but was found next to the body with a knife in his hand so many times it got silly. Skate hero rating, was once 10, now about 2. Mush. Arry - bled the club dry, imposed crazy transfer policy that seemed to benefit him more than the club, legged it at first sound of sirens. Skate hero rating, was 10, now 0. Gaydamak - maimed children for a living, never spoke, his ownership was illegal from day one. Skate hero rating - see Arry. Al Fahim - sold many cornettos and mini milks, refused to wear an XXXL, may well be the only person who ever actually put some money in, even though he was a potless fantasist, did pop up again when he saw the recent selling price. Skate hero rating 3. Al Faraj - didn't rip the fans off, didn't sign anyone on ludicrous contracts, didn't steal from charities, didn't exist. Not on the pitch long enough to judge - in fact was never on the pitch. CSI - were revealed as criminals on here within one minute of appearing, to everyone's surprise down east, they later turned out to be criminals. Skate hero rating - see Arry. Chanrai - loaned money at crazy rate for personal gain all dressed up as a friendly businessman helping out, covered himself by securing anything not nailed down, never quite fell in love with the club, seems to have come a cropper. Skate hero rating - never that popular, anything between 0 and 6. AA - Chinny paid cash, AA danced like a little puppet. Pulled some cracking stunts along the way, signed some nice photos. Skate hero rating - 10 when signing autographs, about 1 when representing CSI. Birch - has told them what they want to hear at every turn, Skate hero rating - about 1 after today. Lampitt - truly woeful performance in every department, worryingly inept, Skate hero rating, was 9, currently 0. Grant - set a new record for consecutive defeats, made an awful speech, poked little Avram in some crack addicts and asked his wife to say it was okay. We couldn't take his spirit but we also could watch him relegate two clubs quicker than he could drop his baggy Y-fronts behind an oil tank, an appalling record as coach and husband, Skate hero rating 10. Cotterill - the coaching genius who kept them up against the plucky odds, thought his side should have won every game, really odd interviews, terrible record, suicidal transfer policy, Skate hero rating, 10 the day before he left, 1 the following morning. UnAppy - poor record as a manager, talked sense early doors but has bought in to the spin and delusion of late, has a holiday in Gibraltar to look forward to, Skate hero rating 10. The Players - were offered crazy deals, couldn't resist and why should they, Skate hero rating, was 10 during loyal plucky January non-transfer window, about 1 now. The fans - if we put aside the laughable claims and bear in mind there are several levels of delusion/sense, they have stood around in numbers and applauded every raping, and they still distance themselves from all woes, yet they give themselves a 10... The football authorities - dished out nasty penalties, didn't stop them getting into bed with criminals, told refs to give decisions against them, etc, yawn. Skate hero rating 0. The PTS thread - nutjobs claiming to be experts, have called a lot of things right, and some things wrong, have annoyed many Skates, and the league got so fed up they took action - best moments, too many Ho ones to list, and when one of their own said they were all nutjobs and the thread was over bang in the middle of a pompey crisis - he knows who he is, and so do we! No rating on the Skate hero-meter. Did I miss anyone? -there were other supporting roles but I think that's the ones that did the main damage, up to this point. So as a personal choice, I would suggest that few pompey staff escape criticism but if I was looking at who has damaged the club the most, I would go for Storrie and Arry as a team, but the club might have been in much better shape had Lampitt not chucked it over a second cliff. In fact, the man who gave out contracts that could never be honoured, oversaw the theft from charities and welcomed organised crime with open arms must be up for the top award. I would love to give thanks to all of the above as they have all damaged pfc, but for me, Lampitt is the man who found a seriously injured dog in the street and instead of calling a vet, he held it so Avram could have a go, then he shot it in the face, using stolen firearms. Step up Mr Integrity, and don't forget to register your wages above the charity cash en route - we can't have those pesky wheelchair kids keeping your snout out of the trough. Hindsight is a great thing. Who could have realised that having outgoings that dwarf your income, trading insolvently, pursuing a suicidal transfer policy, taking money from loan sharks, doing business with arms dealers, or getting in bed with the mafia could end in tears. If only there had been some clues. You have to feel sorry for them, especially after they've been so nice to us. God bless the FL.

well, there's a development. A dash of affordable housing and a retail park I would imagine. Words you think you will never type? - well done Football League! We always had faith in you to dispense justice, even though the points penalty does look a little modest. If ever they needed a multi-billion pound underwater casino and Saab dealership incorporating a Mr Clive and internationally-recognised monkey-chicken petting zoo consortium to step out of the shadows, today is that day.

whatever delayed payment plan has been agreed with Mullins, I'll wager he never sees a single penny of it. It's not much of a firesale of playing talent, more like curious passers-by just helping themselves to stuff out of a skip. What became of UnAppy's promise of three players out earlier in the week and the embargo lifted? I reckon he needs to watch out because pompey coaching hero quality over quantity Clotterill is ready to ride back into town to save the day. Presumably he's doing a press conference somewhere refusing to accept that he's been sacked and explaining how in real terms he's actually been promoted.

Kanu's joined Public Enemy? Is that where Chuck D Norris is going as well? Can we expect an ironic re-release of Don't Believe the Hype?... Yo, MC Birch is da man.

pompey preaching about morals, UnAppy telling us players have breached their contracts, Avram setting up a marriage guidance counselling service, Al Fahim telling us to buy larger shirts, Storrie telling us not to rely so heavily on credit as might overstretch ourselves, Lampitt emphasising the wisdom of adhering to a strict budget......difficult to spot the odd ones out. We just need Gaydamak releasing his version of Give Peace a Chance surrounded by one-legged child dancers and we've seen it all.

as if this saga wasn't complicated already! Anyone know what on earth the arms dealers are up to this time? I can see the reason for spinning the availability of this land as a positive thing for selling the club, but it isn't quite that simple. A company interested in developing the whole site will be excited at the prospect of a bigger bundle but Birch is trying to sell a business with horrendous issues, not a strip of development land. Unless of course a chronically-shy billionaire pompey fan pops up now and offers to build a new stadium. The land also appears to be at the heart of a massive legal wrangle that will go on for ages, so if anything it is of less use to the club than it was when owned by the child-maimer. So immediate thought is that if the legal situation can be clarified, it will be a nice little purchase for someone, post-liquidation. But not much use now. Unless someone can spot a clever stunt that the main players are actually pulling here?....

I agree with Si re PPs and FC rule, and Aint makes an interesting point about distribution - that could work. In liquidation the football clubs owed money may have had it, but the players will become the property of the FL and thus their outstanding monies will not be easily ignored. They may have to get old payments built into new contracts, but they will have leverage as they are free agents of sorts. Complications might arise if say pompey still owe money for a player. The old selling club might have a claim on them as it is goods that has been defaulted on. Tis a big bumper drum of worms that no one wants to open! The current game of poker is simpler. If the club exists they will get millions in PP money. The players are entitled to this money. If they let the club rip them off, the club gets the PPs and makes a fortune out of them. If the players demand the PP money, the club will fold and there will be no PP money. The club cannot afford to blink, the players have every right not to blink. They are locked in a big suicide pact.

UnAppy launches his entry for Understatement of the Year 2012. Probably it’s about sorting out a couple of quid here or there. Yes it's that simple, and that's why the three of them will be gone in the next 48 hours....

don't be fooled by the headline, when you get in among the facts it seems little has changed. There were three players who would be going over the weekend, that didn't happen either. Kanu is still out there somewhere and Mokoena, who was reported as a former hero three weeks ago, is still in negotiations - the BBC seems to be highlighting the bombshell that the pair have played their last games for pompey. - not that they've had their last pay packets. Business as usual - insolvent.

by making that statement the manager has just driven the team bus through the recently re-inforced in law football creditors regulations. I suggest he delivers the golden share back to the FL tomorrow and shuts the gates, as that course of action will render them no longer a football club. If anyone is getting bad advice it's someone who thinks the players will leave without getting their money - so I'm sure he didn't mean that.....

those quotes about Maradona and Eto are just comedy gold. You can't come back from those and be taken seriously. There's been so much good stuff on here that you forget some of the classics. And those arrogant and clearly bonkers claims just fuelled this thread. Most pompey fans I stumble across keep their mouths shut and if they say anything it's an admission of shame about what has gone on - and if they behave like that I leave them in peace....sort of. But.....the gobby, deluded, sister-bothering, cross-eyed, recreation-ground-trespassing, council-padlock-bolt-cropping inbreds who spout all this Maradona/Harbourdome/billionaire consortium around the next corner madness, or claim that their situation was the same as ours ....it's that retarded bunch that have inspired nutjobs everywhere to rise up and challenge their drivel. If they had just shut the f^ck up early doors, this thread would have faded away. So my advice to them would be - look at the league tables, be a little humble, take your fingers out of your ears and face the truth. Your club has been criminally-run, and you stood by and watched it happen. The swing in our league positions has been enormous, we've got a tough season ahead and we are realistic about it, but we've had great fun and someone mentioned earlier that I think we may be the ones who are laughing now. Much of that gloating has been in retaliation for those hilarious -10 in Southampton teeshirts and the abuse of Ted etc. You celebrated the arrival of every new criminal, the club has been cheating all the way from the Championship upwards and downwards - and you were happy to ignore the crimes when things were going well. Clutch the memory of those Wembley trips tightly, they may have to last you a while. And just tell me once again that the complete destruction of your once proud football club in return for a meagre 1-0 win over a bankrupt midtable Championship side was a good deal for the fans...go on. And this time say it like you believe it. Three years of laughs, and despite what some have said, it ain't over yet - there are more chapters to be writ, more pants to be wet, more coffee to be spat. Let's start tomorrow with the PR explanation as to why the three players haven't left over the weekend as suggested, why the coach hasn't joined, and why the embargo hasn't been lifted - throw in a dash of random loyal player pledging his future to help the battling manager's plucky troops, and the saga will live on. We have a holiday to Gibraltar to be paid for, more wages deferred, running costs stacking up, all on the back of the bestest fans in world football and the leading coaching set up in the country....yeah, loads more laughs. Don't move along, plenty to see here.

and if we revisit the historic first post... This is not a wind-up. I don't usually "do" gloating but with the mod's permission can I indulge myself just a little? A little?!... I think it's fair to say we've taken our own Alan Patridge plate, filled our boots from the gloating buffet - and been back numerous times. Yet 1317 pages later, they are not an inch closer to stability. Happy Birthday PTS, and congrats to the proud dad FF. How's that brief summary of the whole thread going?...

if Kanu is only on £6K a week I'm a fricking total football expert who can coach the academy side to promotion! I know they tried to stitch him by spreading his wages over an extra year, now they are trying to steal the rest from the poor fella. He's gonna end up at a glue factory or in pet food, the least they could do is pay him what he's owed. If players are on six times his wage he has every right to be miffed. Glad we didn't treat Bobby Stokes like that. I don't know why they're worried , according to their latest press release all their major problems are scheduled to be solved by Tuesday teatime.

And the football authorities still gloss over the fact that he took control of pompey using stolen money. Oh well. Methinks pompey just tried to pull a fast one by sneaking a player in dressed as a coach... Nice try, but the FL are finally wising up to their ways. And those three will be gone by Monday will they? Now that would be a bombshell, in the traditional sense of the word. So just to clarify things - next week, the problem with the coach will be sorted, three big earners will be gone, and the transfer restrictions will be lifted.... Yeah, that all seems likely.

the national media still don't quite get the CVA situation and the fact that not a penny has been paid, and the current offer isn't a simple 2p in the £ - then again not many of the few have bothered to understand either. Everything will be fine, all income is ringfenced, something will come up etc.... It's only nutjobs on here who have got to grips with the detail. I've corrected one of the mistakes.... Scott Mclachlan, a PST spokesman, said: ‘We do not want to start again unless the club is liquidated. It is all about saving a club with its TWO year history.’

if we are looking for predictions can I suggest that sometime in the next two days the following will occur. 1. Those nasty pompey players will be cast as villains who refuse to work for nothing. 2. UnAppy will say something motivational with no basis of fact. 3. The few will be praised for their incredible take up of 4,500 season tickets and heralded as the bestest ever in a thinly-veiled desperate plea for sales. 4. The News will use an over-the-top motivational term that even makes them chuckle with shame as they type it - my money is on 'battling', or a repeat of 'troops'. 5. Ben Haim's limbs will be found in a bin bag. 6. A player will be linked to a free departure - not only will his leaving be re-packaged as a great transfer deal on pompey's terms, the response from the fans will be that yesterday's plucky hero is now rubbish, and if he doesn't want to play in the third tier with no chance of getting paid they are better off selling him. 7. They will be linked with a player who is way out of their price range. 8. A player will pledge his loyalty in a hollow and pointless gesture. 9. The debt will increase. 10. Nothing constructive will actually happen. Not really stuck my neck out there! Re the Official Plucky Bestest Dictionary, if the media do need some fresh words for this sorry affair I would like to see 'beleaguered' wheeled out again - though 'threadbare' is an old favourite that must be warming up on the sidelines.

To discourage neighbour's cats I found that a single blow to their face with a spade works well. It won't stop the crapping, in fact the opposite - the sight of you running at them wielding a weapon may in the immediate short term increase the problem - but hearing the resultant musical note echoing around the garden that says 'cat + spade' will make you feel better. If that doesn't work try a golf club. A 7 iron should do it. And if you're worried about injuries, wear gloves and sturdy boots.

yeah that was funny - though it might not be Ben Haim but their new keeper, it might explain why he doesn't catch much. If CSI were still in charge they would have reached agreements with ALL players by now....