Deppo

I eat Wotsits sandwiches for dinner. And I don't live alone. I live with my nan.

Public school teacher. He's one of yours.

And there we have it. The workings of dune's mind displayed for all to see in just a few sentences.

Messi would be a better signing.

I didn't go to the game so I won't understand this. I wonder what it is?

I'm still gutted Chris Nicholl went.

Roller disco @ Bitterne Leisure Centre (7pm-9pm, Saturday nights, late 1980s/early 1990s)

Christmas isn't about getting presents. It's about celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus. And bread sauce.

Don't be rude. He serves our country in underwater boats by keeping the other navymen warm with cuddles and more.

Anyone going to Glyndebourne this year? Don Giovanni and The Turn of the Screw should be brilliant. Especially if I can score some decent pills on site.

Chicago Bulls

I don't idolise them. I just quite like them in a fruit salad or freshly squeezed in a glass in the morning.

Mrs alpine saint: How's your dinner, my love? alpine saint: Rubbish, I'm not even full up yet. Mrs alpine saint: But... but you haven't even eaten half of it yet. alpine saint: I know, but if I'm not full by now, I never will be. Mrs alpine saint: Of course you will, my love. If you eat it all, you'll probably be full up. alpine saint: Well, I'm not going to wait until then to find out, am I? Useless cow. Mrs alpine saint: I don't think it is fair to be nasty about me until you've actually finished it. alpine saint: Shut up you useless bint. alpine saint finishes his dinner Mrs alpine saint: Well... how was it? Are you full. alpine saint: Yes, but that's not the point. I bet I won't be full after tomorrow's dinner. Mrs alpine saint: But you've been full after the past few dinners, so you might be? Why don't you wait and see? alpine saint: (Silence) Mrs alpine saint: Have you got nothing to say? Surely you could thank me for making you a nice, filling and satisfying meal? You had a lot more to say when you were complaining about it halfway through the meal. alpine saint: I can't think of anything. I'm going to bed.

Sorry for the bad news, alpine. Maybe Daggers will get one back for you?

Where does Natalie Appleton buy her oranges?

Jools Holland's Hootenanny.

As an internet celebrity myself, I feel that the intrusions on my private life should allow me the opportunities to make money from the nobodies.

Happy New Year to you too. Yes, thank you. No more drinking and me and Turkish are gonna hit the gym with a vengeance. I'm going to become the ultimate Deppo. How about you, me old china?

Hay on Wye.

I think you can only really be considered a celebrity if you are on television and if people talk about you on internet forums.

OK. Here are the comics that you should be watching, at the very least: Stewart Lee Wil Hodgson Richard Herring Robin Ince Josie Long Daniel Kitson Henning Wehn

Except Josie Long, who is ace live.

I would be willing to write an irreverent column for your rag. It could be called Deppo's Tedious Unfunny Column.

You sound more obsessed with cock than any Brighton fan I've ever met.

I like Brighton. They're cute.