This is what awaits Alan Pardew on Wednesday.

[Secret Site Agent]

Wednesday. 12th May 2010. 10 am. Saints Boardroom.

 

Alan Pardew knocks gently on the door.

 

‘Come in’ says Nicola

 

‘You wanted to see me again, Mr Countersink?’

 

‘Ah, yes-a Alan. We a want a have a lille chat-a with a you.’

‘Zat ist right, dummkopf. Ve vish to have a lille talk wiv you. Ve hav vays of making you talk, schweinhund, got in himmel!!!!’

 

‘OK. Ah, why are you both talking like that? In them strange accents.’

 

‘Sorry Alan. Marcus and I are giving a little bit back to the community by appearing in the Southampton Amateur Dramatics all –male rendition of ALLO ALLO – The Musical.’ Explains Nicola

 

‘I play General Von Klinkerhoffan’ says Marcus

 

‘And I play Captain Bertorelli’ says Nicola.

‘Sounds Great. Anyone else in it I might know?’

‘Well, we did feel a bit sorry for Avram Grant, didn’t we Marcus?’

‘Yes. So we thought we would ask him if he wanted to take part. But all the major roles had gone. All that was left was a couple of minor female roles.’

‘Did you offer him anything, Mr Liebfraumilch?’

‘Well, I tried. I rang him up and said, Avram, which do you fancy, Mimi or Yvette?’

‘And what did he say?’

‘Well he said which ever had the biggest jugs, and he wouldn’t pay over fifty pound. I had no idea what he was on about so I hung up.’

‘Well, erm…..are you excited, Mr Lightbulb?’

‘I am, I am. I originally wanted to play Lieutenant Gruber, but every time I said, has anyone seen my little tank? That Gaydamek would ring me up and offer me a second hand Russian T62 tank going cheap, as he has 30 surplus.’

‘What did you tell him.’

‘I told him I’m an engineer, and even I know that a tank is supposed to go ‘boom’. Who wants a tank that goes cheep?’

‘Anyway’, says Nicola, ‘I think you want to tell Alan something, Marcus?’

‘Yes I do. It’s time for you to go Alan, goodbye!’

‘You want me gone? But why?’

‘Tradition’

‘Tradition?’

‘Da da da dum, Tradition!!!’ says Marcus doing a little jig.

‘Erm, if you can stop being the Fiddler on the Roof for a second, what tradition?’

‘Well, this is Southampton football club. And it is tradition here to change the manager more often than I change my socks’.

‘And let’s not forget, you have had your Eight months’ Adds Nicola

‘Eighteen.’

‘Sorry?’ Says Nicola

‘Eighteen. You said Eighteen Months.’

‘No never. Are you sure?’

‘Yes. Eighteen months. Look, I’ve got it here, in this contract, eighteen months.’

‘Oh. You might be right.’ Says Nicola

‘Yes but what have you done? We haven’t been promoted, have we? No play off place for us, is there?’ Says Marcus.

Alan holds his hands out. ‘I’m really sorry about that, Mr Leekytap. Is that why you weren’t here on Saturday to see us thrash Southend? Because you’re not happy?’

‘No, I’m none of the seven dwarfs. But let me tell you, there aint no mountain high enough, there aint no river wide enough, there aint no chasm deep enough to keep me from St. Marys.’

‘So why weren’t you here?’

‘Well, apparently there IS a volcano Smokey enough!!!’

‘Ok, Mr Lightbulb, but we did try’

‘Try? TRY? And where did we finish this season, eh? 17th, 18th…….’

‘7th’

‘7th.?’

‘Yes 7th. And with a minus 10 start, remember?’

‘Well, 7th. There you go. Ok, well done. But it isn’t like you won anything is it?’

‘We won the JPT trophy.’

‘The WHAT?’ says Marcus with a puzzled look on his face?

‘The Johnsons Paint Trophy!’ says Nicola, ‘You remember, Marcus. Look on your phone.’ Marcus takes out his digital camera and looks at the pictures. ‘Oh, yes. Look. There’s one of the crowd. There’s the first goal. There’s the second goal. There’s the third. And oh, look there’s Gregg Abbott doing that, how you say, ****ting a brick.’

‘I think we all enjoyed that day, Mr Lipstick’.

‘Yes, yes, but what else? We aint got any top scorers’

‘We got two’

‘And where do they stand then?’

‘First and Third’.

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yep, Mr Leaveitoutphil’.

‘So, what do you recon, then Nicola?’

‘Well, we did say eighteen months. But we do want to go up next season.’

‘And what do you want to be able to achieve this, Alan?’

‘Well, Mr Contraflow gave me twenty five million earlier, but I could do with some more.’

‘More! MORE! Do you think I carry around serious cash? Well, do you?’ Marcus reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. ‘Here you go, I’ve got five, ten, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, seventeen million, aaaaaand about 30 million in Euros. Will that do?’

‘Well, it will be a start Mr Lessonsinlove’

‘And don’t spend this on fags and water features, like you did the last lot!!!!’

‘Fags and water features?’ Says Alan looking puzzled. Marcus turns and starts whispering the Nicola. This goes back and forth until Marcus says,

‘Nicola, you said Alan spent it on Lambert and Butler and Fountains!!!”

‘I said he spent it on LAMBERT, BARNARD AND FONTE!!!!!!’

‘Oh. My Mistake. Anyway, you may now go. Thank you Mr POYET!’

‘My name is Pardew, Mr LoosewimminonITV1, Alan Pardew’.

Marcus looks at Alan and gives him and cheeky smile and a wink.

‘I know it is!!!! Just marking your card, Alan, just marking your card’ Marcus walks away with Nicola following behind him.

‘Do either of you ever watch the Simpsons, as you seem to have a bit of a BURNS-SMITHERS thing going on.’

‘What was that, Alan’ says Marcus, turning.

‘Just saying we will walk this league next season, Mr Lobsterthermador’

‘Excellent’ says Marcus.

 

As Alan leaves, Lawrie comes in.

‘Why-eye, Man’

‘Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr macmenanena, macmenanan, macmenanana,........... Lawrie. Can I help you?’

‘You can. I am rubbish at this scrabble game. All I can make from my letters is three, three letter words, WHY, EYE and MAN.’

As they leave, Marcus turns to Nicola. ‘Did I tell you I saw the Gillingham team the other day? They were playing football with some hedgehogs.’

‘Hedgehogs? That’s terrible. Did you say anything, Marcus?’

‘Yes. I shouted “Oi. If you don’t stop that, I’m calling the RSPCA’.

‘And then what happened, Marcus?’

‘The bloody Hedgehogs told me to F off as they were winning 3-0’.

[Rory]

Fail.

[Secret Site Agent]

Fail.

 

thanks

[Rory]

Was quite funny.

 

Monty Python-esque.

[Ponty]

You only get 7 letters in Scrabble.

[The Farmer]

Summary?

[Secret Site Agent]

Was that meant to be funny?

 

No, ironic

 

You only get 7 letters in Scrabble.

 

He don't Know how to play

 

Summary?

 

Too many people making things up and this is just as valid as any of the'r crap.

 

Thanks for coming.

[countysaint]

Well there's 10 valuable minutes of my morning that I will have to work late for to make up!!

Thanks.................Oh and by the way,the hedgehog one has been doing the rounds by text msg for weeks now!!

[sydney_saint]

Started Ok, went downhill quite rapidly, slight redemption at the end, I'd give it a 4.

[Turkish]

Started Ok, went downhill quite rapidly, slight redemption at the end, I'd give it a 4.

 

i think ok is a little generous, its didn't get off to the best of starts, tailed off a bit in the middle and the less said about the end the better, other than that, superb.

[westofshannonsaint]

witty, but not really worth the effort at this hour in the morning.

[opthomps]

Secret site agent must be massively in the know if this actually happens, either that or he's just let ben eltons latest script out of the bag

[Stepgar]

That must have taken you ages to type all that or was it cut and paste? Either way I got bored very quickly. Well done anyway

[Sidney Fudpucker the 3rd]

****e!

[JonnyLove]

I liked it and this made me laugh alot. But then I really liked Allo Allo

 

"‘I am, I am. I originally wanted to play Lieutenant Gruber, but every time I said, has anyone seen my little tank? That Gaydamek would ring me up and offer me a second hand Russian T62 tank going cheap, as he has 30 surplus.’

‘What did you tell him.’

‘I told him I’m an engineer, and even I know that a tank is supposed to go ‘boom’. Who wants a tank that goes cheep?’"

 

I give it 7.5 out of 10

[Saint in Paradise]

Sorry SSA but IMHO comedy scriptwriting is not quite what you are best at

[Huffton]

I thought it was very funny, but then again Im old enough to remember allo allo:D

[The9]

I got as far as "von Klinkerhoffen".

[Tac-tics]

unfortunately too much time on your hands.

I'll never get those 30 seconds back.thanks