The Ramirez Off Topic Thread

[shurlock]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsBdCskFv4A

 

Not my work, not even my find SaintRobbie posted it on one of them dumb downfall threads & i only saw it by luck cos i find it hard to wring any more lols from played out downfall videos.

 

I love this! I watched it 5 time straight! I find it multi-layered lols, Les & Ralph as muppets is good in itself, and the casting here is perfect both from physical resemblance & character point of view. I like how Les is making his dry, bull**** statement while Ralph is in the background, wrecking everything! Is allegorical!

 

I don't know who made this, but

 

Genius- not to mention the dance track that gives Les' BS a trance-like quality till Ralph comes blundering in.

 

[Bearsy]

What is going on here do we think?

 

[video=youtube;RzYk-Se7pKA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzYk-Se7pKA&sns=em

[Tokyo-Saint]

I think she might have found Bltch's guinea pig.

[PhilippineSaint]

was just a big black hole for me which is not un-normal

[saintbletch]

I think she might have found Bltch's guinea pig.

 

Ah, a new poster.

 

Welcome to TSW Tokyo-Saint (is that how you pronounce it?), and welcome to The Muppet Show.

 

Relax, kick back, spread your shoeless toes in the warm sand of mirth and friendship, and tilt your head toward the baking heat of The Muppet Show sun. It's summer in TMS and that can only mean two things. Silence.

 

My 'crew' of assembled guinea pigs is regularly climbing up the trouser leg of information to gnaw at the scrotum of news over at ZeitgeiStMarys. I say scrotum and not 'the hooded lady' because the wide-eyed 'newscaster' in that video is infact a man - just like Charlie Wyatt the BBC's defence despondent.

 

BTW Toke. Can I call you Toke? Like a Dickensian prophet I've come in my nightshirt to share a stark vision of the future with you, and to urge you to not sit idly masturbating with chopsticks all summer, but to instead take action before it is too late.

 

Toke, I have a vision of a post-football-forum apocalypse, where you will walk down the Information Super-High-Street, and you will notice and perhaps lament that TSW is gone - closed and boarded up.

 

Occupying its IP-Address on the Information Super-High-Street will be an LGBT-related charity who are giving advice on how any and every single human can actually **** anything of any sex anywhere in the world at any time anywhere at any time.

 

You might consider this proposition for a moment, and think "more power to them", but then you will be drawn back from your labrador-sex reverie by this nagging question....

 

Could I, Tokyo-Saint, have done anything to stop the closure of TSW?

 

You will start to blame yourself as you try to peer through the glass frontage of the charity shop onto what was once a proud and vibrant football forum.

 

You'll try to look through the window and will instinctively form a peek with your hand over your eyes to stop the baking TMS sun reflecting the glare from your pasty, Scotchland-born face.

 

You'll urge your eyes to quickly focus through the bare patches in the Windolene-smeared glass to the two lesbians and a mongrel at the back of the LGBT*4ME shop.

 

You'll momentarily consider warning one of them of the gastrointestinal impact of 'eating' beans, but instead, as usual, you'll decide to pleasure yourself on the Information Super-High-Street and in broad daylight.

 

But, before you hit full stride, before you sprinkle vinegar on your finger chips, before you fire from the semolina howitzer, you'll find tears welling up in your eyes and you'll start to wonder about the sub-atomic world, as the surprisingly short shadow cast by your full member gets smaller and smaller and smaller.

 

You'll fall to your knees, stow your knob and sob.

 

Toke, I promise you. There will be a time that you will miss TSW so much that you'll spill saline and not semen.

 

Even two lesbians (good looking ones too, not like Val McDermid) and a labadoodle will not be enough to keep that little blood valve closed at the hilt of your sword.

 

Against all common sense, against received wisdom, you will find yourself willing to give anything for one more glimpse of "The SaintBletch 'hilarious fun with words' thread" thread.

 

I don't expect you to believe me, Toke, but I ask you to cast me as Nostradanmus and remember that you were warned.

 

So what, you may ask, did I do to try to keep TSW going?

 

I created ZSM Toke, to urge the Twitterati to bring their pithy putdowns conveyed in a "dozen-squared minus four" characters, and to eschew their retweets and direct messages, and to instead part with a fiver to keep The Man's IP address from falling into the hands of paraphilic charities, and to stop The Man's rusty Sheriff's Baj from having to busk outside with a scruffy guitar for curry coinage.

 

That's what I did, Toke. I only went and bloody changed the future of the whole entire world or whatever.

 

That's all.

 

That is all.

 

Toke's a ****

 

...and two, forgetting to enumerate all the elements in a list.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Did you spend your summer composing that post Bletch?

 

Allow me to strip you down to the bear bones and answer each question in turn:

 

Can I call you Toke?

 

No

 

Did I Kill the muppet show with word games and requests for pets?

 

Yes

 

Where have you been? I have missed you and longed for your input. Also where is your stupid little sidekick?

 

Busy. Bear is still in Magaluf trying to wash out the taste or having to perform a task to get Jeremy Kyle to buy him a drink.

 

Got any fit Japanese talento? We have missed this.

 

Sure, here you go.

 

 

Anything more traditional, I'm a boring old fart. Perhaps some Shunga?

 

 

FFS, ok here your go.

[saintbletch]

How you bloody been you drongo, haven't seen you for a week?

 

With the greatest respect, Toke, a little titillation isn't going to turn back the tide.

 

it's like Kurt Cobain reaching for a sticking plaster, moments after his very own big bang.

 

It'd be like you sticking your finger in the dyke to plug a leak. At some point we both know that more liquid will be released.

 

You're fiddling while Rome burns, and standing idly by while TSW dies.

 

But if you think Shunga will help, at least do things properly.

 

 

Missed you honey. Glad to have you back.

 

x

 

Toke's a ****.

 

P.S. in no way did I have to Google Shunga, I knew all about it and have my own collection - from which the above is an extract.

[Tokyo-Saint]

40 mins between my post and your reply. They say it takes the average senior 35 minutes to successfully use google to research a subject. I will put the other 5 mins down as personal undousuru.

 

With the greatest respect, Toke,

 

Many thanks, means a lot coming from you.

 

Me and the other guys on the ward did enjoy your pic though. Did you add the bear as part of the official SWF 'we love bearsy' appreciation society or was this already put in by the original artist?

 

[saintbletch]

Me and the other guys on the ward did enjoy your pic though. Did you add the bear as part of the official SWF 'we love bearsy' appreciation society or was this already put in by the original artist?

 

I know, right?

 

What's that about, Toke?

 

"Bear, you're so funny. Come over to the Main Board, and then come over to The Lounge, so we can fawn over you and come over your posts."

 

He's sold out.

 

He's rock and roll now. He's not coming back.

 

But you know what, Toke? He's an immigrant wherever he goes now. He has no real 'home' anymore.

 

Just wait for the reception he'll get here if he deigns to post in TMS again.

 

He'll probably pull that one-trick phoney act again to ingratiate himself with the Muppet massive. You know, he'll review some porn...yawn.

 

It wasn't even that funny anyway, and he obviously can't write proper.

 

By the way, the bear in the image I posted was a metaphor - standing guard at the gates of heaven.

 

It isn't our Bear anyway, he'd have turned his back on the penile foe in cunnilingual cowardice.

[Bearsy]

You bastards! Just to prove you wrong i just wrote this short article for my main board fans, but instead i am gift it as Muppet Show Exclusive:

 

Tales From The Drive Thru

 

Chapter 6 - Sorry About Your Wait

 

At the drive-thru, when there is a delay on your order, which sometimes happens if we're busy fishing a rodent from the chip fryer or if someone orders something weird from the menu that we don't really know how to make, like the Grilled Chicken McSalad (no bacon), we have to bring it over to your car. We hate doing this. It's v.annoying. We don't get paid extra like we would if we were providing waiter service at any other restaurant, and in all my 15 years at McDonald's I've never once been offered gratuity. Sometimes it's raining, sometimes it's cold. Sometimes wasps chase us across the car park trying to access your thickshake. No-one cares. One guy had me stood at his window for fully 3 minutes so he could finish his telephone conversation before taking delivery.

 

What is interesting about this though is when we bring over your food, we have to say, "Sorry about your wait." Ronald is very specific on this, we aren't allowed to say "Sorry about the wait," or "Sorry we kept you waiting," or "Soz for that bro," or anything like that, we have to say "Sorry about your wait," every time. It's a nation-wide McPolicy. The idea here of course is that while we aren't completely washing our hands of the delay, we are gently implying that you are in some way complicit. It is your wait, after all. You should have ordered something different.

 

I however am not known as the renegade burger rustler of West Midlands for nothing. I am known as this for a reason. I am renegade! What I do, right, is when I take the food over to your car, if I find that the customer is a genuine fatbody, like they quite often are, I say, "Sorry about your weight."

 

It seems to me a very subtle variance of intonation, but it's amazing how often these double chin merchants pick up on it! I suppose they are hypersensitive to such jibes after years of popping buttons and carving extra holes in belts. What they do is they look up at me quickly, their beady eyes a mixture of doubt and shame, and a bead of stressful sweat trickles down the side of their neck. I have to keep a very poker face in these moments, to maintain my air of plausible deniability. I wouldn't say it works exactly, they know what I said, but they're too shamed and mortified to call me on it. They give a hoggish grunt of acknowledgement, wind their window back up and chomp balefully into a processed lump of McComfort. Another satisfied customer!

[Halo Stickman]

Ah, good to see TMS is still alive and kicking – muppetry at its finest!

 

Not to mention some nice high-brow, low-smut piccies as well.

 

Keep up the good work fellas; I’m back off to the totty threads.

[Tokyo-Saint]

 

 

Also how come the lounge is allowed to post tits but if we go past girl suggestively holding a banana we get the infraction gun to our heads?

 

Also, why is the lounge stealing our treads? I did 'birds who used to be fit but are now old and wrinkly' thread ages ago. There was a strict rule about 3 fit ones and then *****r shock post at the end for lols. Now the lounge do exactly the same thread, call it totty like some middle age partridgeque man in a green tank top trying to recall his younger conquests to impress his mates (no offense windows) and take out the lols bit but are allowed tits??. I mean we don't do Robbie Williams tribute threads or ask to be sponsored for going to the gym or something do we? Stick to your own threads loungers or we take Rallyboy out.

[Halo Stickman]

Also how come the lounge is allowed to post tits

 

Yeah, I got into a right old pickle the other night – I mistakenly thought Mrs Stickman* was asleep on the far end of the sofa when I opened a totty thread. Had to spend the rest of the evening convincing her I wasn’t surfing porn.

 

* I know I’m contravening rule 1, but I think that’s best for everyone.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I had a similar issue when I was trolling on tinder.

[saintbletch]

Toke/Halo, good points regarding The Man's tacit approval of the grey mafia's peddling of soft porn in The Lounge.

 

The Mods' treatment of TMS is borderline filicide. It's a determined attempt to exterminate TMS and the Muppets that live here.

 

St. Chalet comes in here with his heavy, sweaty truncheon in hand, smashes up the place, deletes threads and forces nipples to be covered up and (litori to be hooded and sheathed.

 

And yet he strolls over to The Lounge and it's all bonhomie and games of truncheon tennis (backhand, forehand, backhand, forehand, backhand, 'juice'), as he rubs shoulders with the dirty raincoat-wearing Peter Stringfellows, as they jointly exploit our "female brothers".

 

It's inequitous, it's unfair and I'm not going to put up with it.

 

I mean, if this Lounge porn is sufficiently 'hard' that it can force blood into places where no blood has been for many a year, well then surely the Mods should be warning and infracting?

 

Would those threads have so many hits if it really was 'soft' porn? At the very least, it's mildly swollen-porn, or more probably engorged porn. Soft porn it aint.

 

It's like the 1970s in there with their treatment of our equals-from-a-different-gender.

 

What next, a thread discussing people of different ethnic origins and their stereotypical acts and sayings?

 

#hopeidiebeforeigetold #fukofftokeiamnotthatold

 

They missed one by the way...

 

 

[Spudders]

I was just reminiscing about ye olden days so I thought I'd pop in here and contribute in a small way.

 

Here's a story of some rubbery Japanese lips that apparently slim your face

 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/rubbery-japanese-lips-slim-face_n_3953750.html

[Saint in Paradise]

Hot Crazy Matrix - A Man's Guide to Women

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU&app=desktop

[Halo Stickman]

Bletch, you’re right to draw parallels with the 1970s: this disparity stuff reminds me of my old secondary modern where smoking, drinking, groping, grunting, sleeping and laughing were de rigour within the teachers’ staff room; yet when we tried doing any of these things we were thrashed by Mr Whippy Cane the Bastard.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Being thrashed by Mr Whippy's Cane, the line Madness left out of baggy trousers.

[saintbletch]

I was just reminiscing about ye olden days so I thought I'd pop in here and contribute in a small way.

 

Here's a story of some rubbery Japanese lips that apparently slim your face

 

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/09/19/rubbery-japanese-lips-slim-face_n_3953750.html

 

Ah, another new poster.

 

Spudders? Is that how you pronounce it?

 

Welcome (back) our starch and carbohydrate-packed friend.

 

Thanks for the tip regarding the Japan Trend Shop too. I've invested in a couple of those devices, although I was disappointed to see the disclaimer *Geisha not included on the bottom of the web page. I guess I'll have to find a couple of my own orifices to slim down.

 

It actually reminds me of an anecdote from school, which may be apocryphal as I wasn't there at the time.

 

A group of pupils were giggling at the back of a Religious Education class, and the teacher (Miss Lister IIRC) asked them what was so funny.

 

They were reluctant, but she insisted in that way that overly earnest, confidant-wannabe teachers do, and eventually they told her that they were trying to do something that was supposed to be impossible.

 

She asked them what was so difficult, and when they told her she said that it wasn't impossible and demonstrated it.

 

She was stood in front of the whole class showing that it was indeed possible to open your mouth without showing your teeth. While she held the pose, she was corrected by one of the group who said "No Miss, we didn't say that was impossible to do it. We said it's impossible to do it without looking like you're giving a blow job".

 

She actually had a breakdown and left the school - not specifically related to the gum-covering incident though. More likely to do with the low-esteem in which RE was held at my school.

 

And before you ask Toke, yes it was Eton. And yes it was the class of 1895.

 

Toke's a ****.

[Tokyo-Saint]

I don't know about everyone else but I was imagining a really hot student like teacher doing the bletchy blowjob face.

[PhilippineSaint]

Thank **** it is nearly back to normal on here the main board has been driving me crazier than Robin Williams I have had to remove the spare razor blades and nooses to prevent a bit of self harm.

[Halo Stickman]

That’s a sad story bletch; kids can be cruel little bastards at times. We had a German woman called Fraulein Herring at our school; she was a brilliantly talented woman; indeed, so talented, she was actually employed to teach us English kids to speak French, which must have been difficult for her because most of us struggled to speak English.

 

It pains me to recall how badly some of the kids treated her; I remember someone locking her into the store room for almost the entire lesson one time. She was eventually let out with about five minutes of the lesson remaining. She was very upset of course and gave us a lecture about how German children would never behave in such a way. A boy at the back of the class put his hand up and Fraulein Herring asked: “Yes Roderick, what is it?” Roderick replied: “Yeah, but England won the war Miss”. The poor woman put her head in her hands and wept.

[Tokyo-Saint]

It seems to be a pretty common theme, younger innocent teachers getting locked in store cupboards. I wonder if this has ever happened to VFTT or MLG? I think this should be page 1 of the teacher training manual for teachers before they are let our into the wild - junior teachers, never go into the store cupboard while teaching a class and never, I repeat never, turn your back while you are in there. This and the thing about never leaving your coffee cup unguarded and never bone the 6th form etc.

[saintbletch]

That’s a sad story bletch; kids can be cruel little bastards at times. We had a German woman called Fraulein Herring at our school; she was a brilliantly talented woman; indeed, so talented, she was actually employed to teach us English kids to speak French, which must have been difficult for her because most of us struggled to speak English.

 

It pains me to recall how badly some of the kids treated her; I remember someone locking her into the store room for almost the entire lesson one time. She was eventually let out with about five minutes of the lesson remaining. She was very upset of course and gave us a lecture about how German children would never behave in such a way. A boy at the back of the class put his hand up and Fraulein Herring asked: “Yes Roderick, what is it?” Roderick replied: “Yeah, but England won the war Miss”. The poor woman put her head in her hands and wept.

 

Good story Halo.

 

Do you think she cried because Roderick was breaking news to her? Perhaps it was a surprise? I think children in Germany are routinely told that they won the war.

 

BTW are you sure that Roderick isn't an alter-ego of yours? It's just that the way you told the story reminds me of the way Toke talks....

I've got a mate called Roderick who's into labrador sex, do you think I should tell Roderick that it's wrong and that I, I mean he should stop?

[Tokyo-Saint]

What's not to like Roderick?

 

[saintbletch]

It seems to be a pretty common theme, younger innocent teachers getting locked in store cupboards. I wonder if this has ever happened to VFTT or MLG? I think this should be page 1 of the teacher training manual for teachers before they are let our into the wild - junior teachers, never go into the store cupboard while teaching a class and never, I repeat never, turn your back while you are in there. This and the thing about never leaving your coffee cup unguarded and never bone the 6th form etc.

 

Is MLG a teacher then, Toke?

 

If I close my eyes, I picture him as being a teacher of Mathematics; making all of his pupils cry as they each fail to answer the question "What is Pi?" with enough precision.

[saintbletch]

What's not to like Roderick?

 

 

There's no way you had time enough to Google for that and post it.

 

That came from your own personal stash.

[Tokyo-Saint]

[Tokyo-Saint]

Is MLG a teacher then, Toke?

 

If I close my eyes, I picture him as being a teacher of Mathematics; making all of his pupils cry as they each fail to answer the question "What is Pi?" with enough precision.

 

Obvious teacher traits bletch, patronising tone, never risk an opinion so ask a loaded question instead, the love of correcting, time spend in a cupboard etc etc.

[Halo Stickman]

 

BTW are you sure that Roderick isn't an alter-ego of yours? It's just that the way you told the story reminds me of the way Toke talks....

 

Originally Posted by Toke

I've got a mate called Roderick who's into labrador sex, do you think I should tell Roderick that it's wrong and that I, I mean he should stop?

 

Damn you bletch, you’ve read me like an open book; was it my word cloud that gave me away?

 

Oh well, I’m glad it’s out in the open; and, I’ll tell you this, I don’t regret one moment; I wouldn’t change a thing and would do it all again, in an instant.

 

Oh bletch, if you could have seen the way she looked at me with her big dog eyes, rolled her lovely sloppy tongue, panted my name over and over and over: Halo, Halo, Halo – she was slightly asthmatic – wagged her tail and … well, Tokes has told you the rest.

 

Anyway, she’s gone now – god knows where – she doesn’t write, she doesn’t phone. Jeez, I miss that b itch. All I’ve got is a photograph.

 

 

[saintbletch]

Damn you bletch, you’ve read me like an open book; was it my word cloud that gave me away?

 

Oh well, I’m glad it’s out in the open; and, I’ll tell you this, I don’t regret one moment; I wouldn’t change a thing and would do it all again, in an instant.

 

Oh bletch, if you could have seen the way she looked at me with her big dog eyes, rolled her lovely sloppy tongue, panted my name over and over and over: Halo, Halo, Halo – she was slightly asthmatic – wagged her tail and … well, Tokes has told you the rest.

 

Anyway, she’s gone now – god knows where – she doesn’t write, she doesn’t phone. Jeez, I miss that b itch. All I’ve got is a photograph.

 

 

 

Halo, help me out here; is that lepreporn or labraporn? Either way it doesn't melt my butter, but whether you're lifting a tail, or looking for the end of the rainbow for your pleasure, I'll not judge you.

 

Whatever wags your tail, I guess.

 

You do realise that the image has probably caused Toke to start a trouser-fire through chopstick-friction. Hope he can summon sufficient fluid to quell the blaze.

 

BTW, good call to not show her teats - this is TMS and not The Louche Lounge after all. You'd probably be arrested of something.

 

Alternatively start a thread in the Louche Lounge called "70s and 80s Labraporn" and you'll be fine.

[Halo Stickman]

Halo, help me out here; is that lepreporn or labraporn?

 

I’m not sure, bletch, to be honest; all I know is that her pedigree name was Little Miss No More Lonely Nights The Seventh and her pet name was Sonia, but I shortened that to Sonia Suck My Sausage, which I must confess did cause me one or two awkward moments when encouraging her to chase my stick in the local park.

 

Originally Posted by Toke

I've got a mate called Roderick who's into labrador sex, do you think I should tell Roderick that it's wrong and that I, I mean he should stop?

 

By the way bletch, regarding the above, Tokes never did talk to me about this, certainly not in a harsh way; quite the contrary in fact – he seemed to really enjoy spending time with me and Sonia, especially when she bought her mate along.

 

[tpbury]

http://vidmax.com/video/71652-Boy-is-given-a-blowjob-by-a-fish-

[tpbury]

http://vidmax.com/video/71652-Boy-is-given-a-blowjob-by-a-fish-

[saintbletch]

http://vidmax.com/video/71652-Boy-is-given-a-blowjob-by-a-fish-

 

Thanks.

 

I'm intrigued Burpy T...just what does a man have to type into Google to find videos like that?

[saintbletch]

http://vidmax.com/video/71652-Boy-is-given-a-blowjob-by-a-fish-

 

Thanks.

 

I'm intrigued Burpy T...just what does a man have to type into Google to find videos like that?

[tpbury]

Thanks.

 

I'm intrigued Burpy T...just what does a man have to type into Google to find videos like that?

 

Well, when you know you're looking for fish blow job, it's quite straightforward. It was sent to me by a Spanish friend who works in mental health, I am not sure if it is a therapeutic technique over there.

[Saint in Paradise]

Some very inventive minds at work to invent these

 

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/juliapugachevsky/sex-products-you-wont-believe-actually-exist

 

.

[Saint in Paradise]

Could this show why not many white men play in the NBA in the U.S.A. ?

 

 

https://i.imgur.com/8oewHKo.gif

 

.

[Tokyo-Saint]

 

 

 

Easy with the infraction gun there mods this isn't my Botham moment... look again.... now one more time, that's it.

[Tokyo-Saint]

Cliff Richard said to be enjoying some downtime before his court case starts. Good on ya Kitty.

 

[Saint in Paradise]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wF7qw6TSP8g

[pap]

Got nominated for this fecking ice bucket challenge.

 

 

Turns out the only challenge were the missus' digits and poor camera skills.

[Tokyo-Saint]

50 rep points Pap! Not for the ice bucket crap but for bravely putting up a video on saints web.

 

Anyone else get bear at McD's drive through as a suggested video after as well? I didn't know so many posters were on youtube.

[pap]

50 rep points Pap! Not for the ice bucket crap but for bravely putting up a video on saints web.

 

Anyone else get bear at McD's drive through as a suggested video after as well? I didn't know so many posters were on youtube.

 

The only people who've ever had a pop at my appearance before are 50-something tubby gingers. I'm safe

[Big Bad Bob]

Got nominated for this fecking ice bucket challenge.

 

 

Turns out the only challenge were the missus' digits and poor camera skills.

 

That ain't Pap, that's Rumplestiltskin

 

[Whitey Grandad]

That ain't Pap, that's Rumplestiltskin

 

 

Actually the girly with the long hair was called Maria, or the miller's daughter or something. Rumplestiltskin was an ugly little dwarf... ah, I see what you mean.

[pap]

That ain't Pap, that's Rumplestiltskin

 

 

Actually the girly with the long hair was called Maria, or the miller's daughter or something. Rumplestiltskin was an ugly little dwarf... ah, I see what you mean.

Gutted you don't fancy me, boys.

 

Maybe you'll be more to each others' taste.

 

The Whitey G / bTripz Old/Young Bum Fun date.

 

Guarantee it'll get higher ratings than BAP.

[Tokyo-Saint]

IMO Pap looks a bit rock star. He is somewhere between

 

 

and