swannymere

As Mum was working away for the week, dad thought he would cook the kids a surprise meal, when they came in from school. He had been to the butchers and bought some venison (Deer). He served it all up and said to the kids guess what this meat is? They looked at each other then back at dad, he said I'll give you a clue. Its what mummy calls daddy, quick as a flash Johnny says, don't eat it, its a F***ing Knob.

Young Pikey girl sat with her mum the night before her wedding. Her mum says to her, "l want to talk to you about your wedding night". "Your husband will want to stick his most prized posession where you pee." The girl turns to her mum & says, "Why would he want to put his tarmac rake in the sink"?

You rang?

Why Can't Jesus walk on water? Because he's got holes in his feet.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Christ, I wonder what happened to this parrot?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way.. i'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy ****,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willy around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic; politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.... 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20; just make the guy an offer!' The guy offers £20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational, he has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great friend, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the DHL man..' 'What are you talking about?' asks the guy. 'When the DHL man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the DHL man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began touching her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' 'Buggered if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.'

Count me in, i'll attend anything that's organised, good luck to Kevin and his family.

A young man joins the navy. On the day he is about to go to sea, his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors. "But dad, how will I know?" "Trust me son, you will know. After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port. The father was on the dock waiting for his son. The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his fathers hand. "Well son,how did it go?" "Dad, I found out what you ment about gay sailors. One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard." "But how could you tell he was gay?" "Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling "THROW ME A BOUY, THROW ME A BOUY" :cool:

How can you hate Stephen Fry? Katona, Jordan and Cowell yes but Fry? Really. You're right about one thing though he is back and apologising to all and sundry.

I've got an Aprilia SR125 scooter as well;)

If you do i've got a cheap Ducati 600ss for sale, no tax or MOT and very much a winter project to bring it up to standard.

He does suffer from depression and as much as i think 99% of these type of calls are 'attention seeking' i don't think that someone suffering from depression would give two ****s what anybody else thinks. He's been 'up' for years apparently so is probably due a down period. I hope he keeps his chin up and gets through this period.

You can ride down at Bere Forest, their is a special area set aside for MTB's opposite to the Hundred Acres car park (take the road from the A32 at Wickham Church and head towards Southwick and it's one of the turnings on the left after about 2 miles (it's signposted) and and if you're just on a fitness lark get a map out and you can find some fairly decent offroading around the Meon Valley on footpaths and bridlepaths.

Pity all the footballers out there won't take a blind bit of notice of this. He sounds like a complete ****** the way he treated women, hopefully he'll find out what it's like to be a ***** when it comes to shower time inside.

Stay in, it's a pain in the arse not having the € as our currency as well. And for all those who gripe on about losing our national identity, if the only thing that makes us British is our currency then our sense of identity wasn't that strong in the first place was it?

She needs a good feed!

Me

..is most likely to have placed this ad on eBay? http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=270476622644&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT#ht_756wt_1167

Best bond was Timothy Dalton and best bond girl probably Ursula Andress Barbara Bach Famke Janssen

It's very high in sugar, are you diabetic?

Sadly absolutely no chance, he's just too slow despite whatever else he brings to a side.

When i went to see Led Zeppelin i pre-booked a parking space for £20 and walked the 5-10mins or so to the 02. To get there i drove up the A3, anti-clockwise round the M25 and then in on the A2. After the gig i was home in 90 mins. If you want a drink then train is the best option.

Not funny just very, very sad.

The inflight entertainment systems will keep the kids busy and try and fly with Singapore Airlines, Cathay Pacific, Etihad or Emirates for the best experience. Steer clear of Quantas.