scotty

Spurs title hopes seem to have vanished in a puff of smoke tonight.

Yep, one of my favourites was on seeing a badly fitted electric socket; "looks like it was put in by an Indian."

Badgers onto something here. Fonte was a mainstay of the squad, captain, well respected by all, settled in the area, seemingly happy here...... in swans some smooth talking gallic lothario puffing on a gauloise and spouting existential philosophy and off goes Jose. Coincidence? I think not.

My wife called downstairs, "before you go can you toss another load into the washing machine?" "You kinky bitch" I thought, unzipping my flies.

I got as far as the song title WG, but who wrote/performed that particular one? Must have been pre-50s, but I can't find any references to it.

Question for the older farts on here; I've just listened to the current Goon show episode on iplayer, The Last Smoking Seagoon. What is the number Max Geldray plays on it?

I never did get the lucky nun theme, what pervert originally dreamed that one up? Whoever it was will have some explaining to do come Judgement Day....

"That ribbed condom feels incredible!!" she gasped. "What's it called?" "Genital Warts," I replied. "And I don't have a condom."

I asked the librarian for a book about having sex with dwarfs. "How can you stoop so low? " she sneered. I said "that's the one."

:lol:

".... oh god!!" I gasped. "I'm going to explode, I can't stop it...." "Do it on my tits," she whispered. "I'm kinky like that." " Really?" I said. "Yes, honestly," she replied. It taught me this much. When you've got diarrhoea, it's best to be specific.

I gave Helen Keller a cheese grater for her birthday. She said it was the most violent book she'd ever read.

"Implode" wasn't meant literally, but there was doom-mongering on a grand scale. I wasn't thinking so much about the blair era as the major/lamont years; the markets were squealing like stuck pigs when major insisted on a UK opt out from the euro, and prior to our ill advised and expensive flirtation with the erm they creamed their collective pinstripes. The actuality didn't take long to sink in, and it was years before anyone mooted the idea of joining the eurozone.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "Listen. If you ever come close to me, I'll f*cking skin you. When we're sleeping, don't f*cking touch me. Don't ever try and talk to me either."* "Great," I thought, "one day in here and I'm already married."

Dalek must be on holiday, so I'll say it for him. 17th.

Never google your symptoms. It's always cancer, and you're always going to die.

That'll be the same economy that was going to implode when we failed to join the euro. Almost every economic commentator at the time was convinced that it meant isolation and destitution, but even pre-brexit you'd have been hard pressed to find anyone these days in favour of climbing into the eurozone bed, not even the lib dems. Apart from alex salmond, and he doesn't count.

No, his third was disallowed. He was quoted years later as blaming that decision for his drinking problems.

Yes, Bert "the trout" Trautmann. He was immortalised by Viz comic as Billy "the fish" Thompson. Oddly, a lot of people think his "trout" nickname arose because of his being the first openly gay footballer and always "rising to the flies", but it was actually because his surname sounds a bit like "trout man" if you say it in a heavy western bavarian accent.

Fair play to their keeper though. He played 87 minutes with a broken neck, Bert something I think.

Innuendo, eh? "Our client, Katie Price, has been upset by suggestive comments concerning the alleged size of her vagina," said the solicitor. "Were you responsible?" "I may have had a hand in it," I admitted.

Two interesting facts about me. One; my cock is exactly the same length as three Argos pens. Two; I'm banned from Argos.

^^Are you trying to tell us something?