rallyboy

I'm not sure they've released any books since Storrie's great fictional fantasy trilogy Our Accounts, The value of our Squad, and Return to the Harbourdome. Though his big hit comedy farce Are You Avin a Larf Mush? is still doing good business in the West End with Bobby Davro playing a manager obsessed with prostitutes, Sue Pollard as Buttons and Orville as the evil QC representing HMRC. There's something for all the family - Spit the Dog makes a guest appearance as a a right wing extremist woman in a sailor outfit, Vanessa Feltz plays the local MP. Tickets available for all shows from liamlawrence.com

Sensible decision. As is the one to release Matt......Smith.....with....his....appallingly....delayed....delivery....style. The next cull should be on MotD, half of them can go, save me putting it on mute.

Has he filled in a template yet? Sleeping giant, massive potential, only place he wanted to go, get back where they belong, fantastic fans that deserve success, honest bunch of lads, no mystery about the ripping up of the contract, on the up, biggest club outside the Premier League, great facilities, fortress fratton, other team's cup final, he and his Wimbledon colleagues were petrified to play in the bearpit, lifting the troops, no cashflow problems at all, in a much better position than Bournemouth, it's not about the money or the contract that is twice the length that anyone else offers at that level, rallying cry, promotion warchest, looking forward to playing alongside David Connolly, the lads are right behind the gaffer, whoever it is, looking forward to firing the plucky blues to glory.

Robinson just announced that his Tesco is still go, go, go....

I spy with my little eye a final gamble on getting out of League Two this season...chuck some money at one problem, and hope that the defence solves itself. If they are breaking their own wagecap I suspect Connolly won't be happy. He'll demand a rise, or he might even refuse to play.

I just tell them immediately, 'I believe that someone in your office has had an accident in the last three years' - it tends to confuse matters. If that fails I tell them that I am doing a survey and start asking them questions about green energy. I can't compete with Lord T, my record for keeping them online for a very confused conversation is ten minutes. When you are busy they are effing annoying but when you have the time they can be very entertaining - all the time they are on the wrong end of your pointless chat they aren't bothering other people.

and when they were up they were up....

As soon as you start listing your favourites it invites criticism from those with different tastes, so here we go... I love Jack Dee, ditto Rich Hall, particularly doing Otis Lee Crenshaw, also Emo Phillips is very clever. Stuart Lee is brilliant, as Bill Hicks occasionally was in his day. For me Peter Kay is a funny bloke, as is Lee Mack, while McIntyre clearly isn't. Or to be more accurate, McIntyre, Flanagan, Miranda, Mrs Brown, that's all aimed at a certain market and does very well, as does The Sun and Poundland. I'm not their market. I also don't get Izzard, nor Harry Hill, Python, Vic and Bob, Lemon - they must be on a different wavelength. Saddest bit for me is remembering how good Ben Elton was as a stand-up before he completely ran out of talent - a comic's reputation can go up or down over time. For instance, Bob Monkhouse was a smarmy presenter, but top joke teller. I liked early Frankie Boyle but he has gone from close to the mark to outright offensive and not funny - the key element with being offensive is that it has to be funny first - Jimmy Carr is treading that fine line. Blackadder excellent, as was Curb, Conchords, Frasier, very slick writing. 2012 was excellent, as was Lead Balloon, Extras, Partridge, anything by Iannucci. And of course Rik and Ade were responsible for the best frying pan assaults in comic history. The main problem is that a show or act designed to entertain the masses has to dumb down and that splits opinion so don't expect to see anything too clever on at peak time. When you list them there is a lot of funny material out there - which hopefully stands the test of time as the likes of Mrs Brown sinks to make way for the next trend fed to the masses. There we go, I think I've mentioned enough names to annoy a few - and to get some to agree. Vive la difference!

It looks like Rangers are teetering on the brink again as the tax man recently slapped in another winding-up order. Why do some clubs never learn? I realise that Rangers have a smaller fanbase and ground but they could do with following the business model of a bigger club like pompey where the fans are shareholders who are consulted on all business decisions, the accounts are freely available and through shrewd managerial appointments, success on the pitch has followed - allowing them to invest in the academy, training facilities and ground improvements without needing to beg for external funding from people more interested in property development and the like.

The man who tires of ridiculing deluded skates has tired of life itself.

Those are valid points about his reading of the game. His first few appearances seemed to be very quiet, he barely featured - then you realise that it can't be a coincidence. A bit like much better clubs than us who play badly on the day thus allowing us to scrape together 36 lucky points. Toby is just lucky, that'll be why most strikers have an off day against him. Fortunately we have a good squad of lucky players at the moment.

Indeed - health and happiness for 2015 - and beyond, hopefully.

So the big-hearted HNW investors have bought shares with their money, while the fans have just made donations. Perhaps 2015 will be the year that the plucky fans finally realise that they own nothing and have no control over the 'fan-owned' club. Or perhaps we will continue as we have done for five years with heads in sand, mass delusion, and a media that gives the people only what the people want to hear.

The golden rule of defending is if you leave a leg dangling in the penalty area, don't be surprised if someone falls over it - and sometimes you don't even have to dangle it. Some refs give them if you kick the ball ahead and just run into the nearest defender. When trying to define a dive you have to look at who instigates the contact. It has taken years for refs to realise that in a one-on-one with the keeper a forward often knocks the ball clear and just leaves a lingering trailing leg to be collected by the sliding keeper. But the real culprits are the ones where there is NO contact and that is being slowly stamped out, mainly due to TV. While I would probably have wanted a penalty for that one yesterday, Fabregas actually instigated the contact, though Targett left a leg out and invited it, Fabregas could have gone for the ball instead of the leg, but I think we got away with one. Which makes up for Long being assaulted against Everton, or the 150 times that Rickie was put in a headlock at corners last season. As for Mourinho, what a clown - great coach, but unreliable witness. His sides have led diving for years and have recently benefited from more refereeing decisions at Stamford Bridge than United have an Old Trafford. Chelsea must coach diving, even his centre backs fall over, Terry did an appalling dive on the edge of our box and play just went on. So Jose is not the man to complain about diving, or refs. And for refs - please, just be consistent.

Let's also take into account that Hazard was unplayable today. IMO he is just about the best player in the UK currently and despite them dominating possession we managed to marshal him into loads of pointless sideways runs, and restricted him to one shot. That Chelsea team is going to destroy a few defences, even though there manager is clearly deranged and happy to make up any old ranty stuff if you stick a microphone his way. Bearing that in mind, anyone who gets a point against them has done a pretty good job, and can't be too shabby. Good performances all round.

Fire up the bus, order the bunting, get the crowd control barriers up on Southsea Common, the sleepy blue giant stirs! That point should keep Awford in work for another three games. Happy days.

Those attendances are shored up by the cheap season tickets, a policy that generates quick money in the Summer but leaves the cashflow in a delicate state through the Spring. Some games have seen only 2,000 paying customers - which certainly doesn't cover the wages of the largest squad gathered since Showaddywaddy teamed up with UB40. Crunch time is once again in the summer when they need to sell the validity of the next plucky promotion battle to the masses - or start charging a realistic rate. There must be a point where even the dimmest and most gullible will start to question the pre-season spin, they really need to find a manager who can at least do an impression of a promotion campaign. Giving away cheap season tickets brings people through the gates but leaves the cashflow and balance sheet looking fragile, their business plan, as sketchy as it is, needs success. Talk is cheap, at some point you have to walk the walk. So wherever it is these days, I suspect their clock is ticking....

I suspect it was the most passionate and vocal booing ever heard in world football, the envy of all struggling clubs. I remember when we were under performing the booing generated by our half empty, council-owned ground was very poor indeed. Newcastle do good booing, as did United when Moyes was there, but the Fortress of Fat has taken it to a new level. An incredible effort by the sleepiestest of all sleepy giants.

Neutrals might observe that it's not been a great 2014 for the plucky shareholders of the biggest fan-owned club in world football. While Nutjobs naturally have that nagging fear that pompey will string some games together and make the play-offs before riding a wave of passion and gloriously battling their way into League One, below are the facts, and they ain't pretty for the bestest... Their financial plans are based on promotion this season. They need to average two points a game to make the play-offs. NO team in the division has managed that thus far. So whisper it quietly my jealous Scummah friends.....the facts would suggest that pompey will be playing in League Two for at least another eighteen months, if they can halt this slide!

Let all the bells ring out for Christmas, well, all but one of them. On the 25th day of Christmas my true love gave to me.... 130 million pounds written off, 35 million pounds included in false accounts presented to the high court, 13 million pounds of revenue for every home game, one million pensioners defrauded, 200,000 children maimed, an 80,000-seater Harbourdome with underwater Saab dealership, 40,000 litres of fatty water, 5,000 empty seats, 2,000 donations dressed up as shares, 800 misleading press statements, 48% ownership 25 parking spaces from Tesco, 20 unpaid players, 12 MPs-a-flopping, 11 mobility scooters, 10 points not deducted, 9 imaginary dockers-a-striking, 8 words a paragraph, 7 villainous heroes, 6 Avrams-a-laying, 5 dodgy owners, 4 recent administrations, 3 property developers, 2 unpaid CVAs and 1 point at Cheltenham Town! All the best for 2015 Nutjobs - with training ground work to be completed, fans still thinking they own shares, a stony silence over Tesco, percentages owned by property developers gently increasing and accounts still outstanding in the new era of transparency, the saga rolls on....

Apparently they now have the best keeper in the division too, according to Mr Awford, so that's nice. Straw. Clutching. Slow news day. Distract from the league table. And the lack of filed accounts. Then again, perhaps Awford is confusing best with busiest?

I thought we'd only played them twice - they never discuss the other 115 years.

My bizarre life took me to a restaurant the other night and who was there but Mr Catlin and one of his friends, a senior partner at pompey's legal firm. I make no judgement, they are obviously buddies beyond business - so it's just an observation, and an insight into what I get up to after dark. There were several pix up on the wall, one of David Cameron, and one of the glorious FA Cup 'win'... Though I was slightly taken back when Catlin ordered everything off the menu, asked to pay just a fifth of the bill and eventually just paid 1% of the price for one garlic bread while expecting the rest of the kitchen and waiting staff to pick up the tab.* *I made up some of the last bit.

I think they should consolidate all of their criminal past and ask for other fences to be taking into consideration.

a pompey fan I know asked me last night who the feck was laughing now - I had a look at the current league structure and would suggest that it's still pretty much us, and at a significant volume. Once again a homeless bloke with no shoes is outside Buckingham Palace, peering through the railings and mocking the choice of curtains in the main drawing room.