rallyboy

For those of you who weren't there, you'll be pleased to know that former hero/greedy villain David James got a special halftime welcome from the Northam/Kingsland corner where he was working for TV. The abuse was merciless, it's the first time I've seen a pundit helped away by security.

I'd like to oversee us winning promotion at all costs, and then step down before the accounts are released.

And they didn't get paid. What a day!

The battle continues - we can't keep up with these guys... Portsmouth vies with Southampton for 1,000ft water slide party #notnews

I believe Whittingham is also still being paid - Cook makes it three managers on the payroll, can they get to four before the end of 2015?.....fingers crossed. Meanwhile I'm off to workshop a complex joke about Horton Heath prossies and pompey managers - the punchline will build to something like too many Cooks spoil the brothel. Leave it with me....

Sounds like Chesterfield have fallen for the old we'll pay you later gag. I see no reason why Cook can't cobble together a promotion challenge next season. He'll bring a couple of players, they already have the top scorer, the area to keep an eye on is the accounts, the managerial and coaching changes will be very expensive for the bottom tier and the ground needs work. If they offer giveaway pricing on the season tickets again and allow the new manager to invest on wages, the first three months of the season will be make or break. Season ticket money will be gone by Christmas, fail to get out of League Two again and it could be time for Admin VI. But I'm sure they will be fine, nothing could go wrong, the figures stack up.

Tablecloth? That's the Turin shroud! It was found in a Fatpipes store room next to the table and chairs off HMS Victory, wrapped up with Noah's original lifejacket and the Zippo used to fire up Joan of Arc.

Villa are safe and have a cup final to think about....that's the positive thought I'm going with.

Records show that the park has been sold out in virtual terms for quite a few years now. There is far more to working out attendances than the number of people who actually go - you have to take into account passion, pluckiness, and then seasonally-adjust them too. Not sure I can be bothered to do The News great pompey survey, but for those with time on their hands and mischief in their hearts.....

My main concern would be that the pompey job might be too big for Cook. He has made great progress with little Chesterfield but the expectations are much higher at big clubs. The fans demand success and the pressure might be too much for the little chap. Following behind Adams, Grant, the French bloke, the other one, Cotterill, Appleton, Awford, Whittingham etc, he has very big shoes to fill. The worst combination would be if they had a game so big it was the opposition's cup final, plus the game was too big for the ref AND their own manager. What a nightmare scenario. I guess that is the downside of being a massive club.

I'm pleasantly surprised that they've extended their stay in the basement, that was no mean feat with their budget - the quality of opposition is very poor and it shouldn't require the next Mourinho to get them out of there. The problem with their eventual but inevitable promotion is that every skate who has been hilariously low-key for three years will suddenly flood out of the woodwork giving it large about how they have seen off Fleetwood, Morecambe, Trumpton and Greendale. Then they just need to find about another £50m to make real progress. That's gonna be a hell of a whip round - possibly the greatestest community-driven whip round that world sport has ever witnessed...

Strange how ourselves, Spurs and Liverpool have all run out of steam - we certainly don't have a monopoly on disappointment. Squad depth? Fatigue? Or just a fear of the Europa League? It certainly looks like the 5th place that nobody wants.

They live in Leicester, you were walking away from it - I think I can see who had the last laugh.

Gregory did manage to get Crawley out of League One at his first attempt, perhaps he could repeat the feat for pompey in League Two.

If you'd asked her last week when she needed the votes it would have been a big yes. She doesn't have to be nice to any of them for a few years now.

The gap between what was predicted and what happened suggests that a lot of voters made a late decision and eventually stuck with what they perceive to be a safe option with the current stable economy. I hope that Mr Cameron takes that as a warning from the electorate that they made him sweat a bit, rather than reading the results as a massive vote of confidence and an encouragement to impose draconian measures or to further dismantle some key services. He also has the problem now of the odd mad backbencher having the power to scupper votes. Interesting times ahead.

I think it was paid by fans. While that act was worthy, many thought this would distract anyone from asking how on earth their football club could steal from dying children. It didn't. Despite financing a brothel, stealing from pensioners, running on money earned from maiming children, laundering drug cash for organised crime and bankrupting local businesses, the charity theft was possibly a low point. Though identifying a low point for pompey is like asking someone to name their favourite child molester.

A few years back I had my face stitched, which smarted a bit, and as the blood was running down the back of my neck I decided that I wouldn't want anyone armed with needles or scalpels anywhere near more sensitive areas. I made a mental note that in future, if I was offered the choice between having my face or my scrotum collide with anything, it would be my face every time. So fair play to those brave enough to sign up for genital vandalism in a worthy cause - and congratulations to everyone on here for mainly offering sensible advice!

Antonov's issues suggest that pompey may have been funded by stolen cash and money-laundering for a while, the sort of offences that would get you chucked out of the league, rather than let off from a post-relegation points deduction... Thankfully the only connection between that company and the current one is the magic element that survives all efforts to create distance from the criminality - the cup win. Oh, and the offices. And the trading name. And the FL Golden Share. So the old question - what's it gonna be - deny the cup win, or claim it along with the financial irregularities and criminality that accompanied it?

It could be possible - there must be a few fans who on a matchday fill the car up, have a pub lunch, buy a programme, a burger, an AH-64 Apache attack helicopter and a Bugatti Veyron...

Part of the official presentation to get planning was that the club brings £300m a year into the city. Penny even repeated that with a straight face, so some simpletons now think it's a fact. In comedy terms it's up there with the set of accounts they presented to the high court, the £20m that the council/Tesco would pay them for their car park, and Storrie's infamous valuation of the squad. portsmythmatics

As I camped outside the hospital for ten days in my homemade Union Jack suit, clutching my latest Royal scrapbook, holding the present that I'd painstakingly made for strangers, it suddenly dawned on me that I really needed to be sectioned rather than on TV giving my views. Talking of all the lovely gifts, why is there a really big bonfire burning day and night behind Kensington Palace?

Yellow card for Defoe, petulant kick from behind after he's lost the ball. No one likes blaming refs when our main problem is that we can't score, but it's been clear for weeks now that Kevin Friend's appalling display at SMS when he was playing for Liverpool will damage our season. Swings and roundabouts? No, just inconsistent refereeing that rarely balances out.

The most important thing is that if you and your family are healthy, nothing else matters. Football, medals, money, cars, houses - none of it is as valuable as your health.

Indeed - it's themed.