Whitey Grandad

The next one leaves in the morning... I'll get me coat.

When I was a kid I. The 50s they were just stones in a field. You could climb over the fence and be the only person there. I've climbed all over the stones but always treated them with respect. There is something special about the place but it's spoiled by all the visitors.

Good. Less chance of injuries

There is never a shortage of candidates.

I saw a notice in a toilet in Scotland somewhere, probably Kirkwall. It went something like: Gentlemen: If you stand closer to the urinal it might improve your aim. Ladies: please remain seated for the entire performance.

Exactly. Even when standing over the toilet pan most men manage to miss it.

How is the bilharzia these days?

They'll have to change their name from 'Portsmouth Football Club' to 'Portsmouth Mothball Club'.

Which match? Not this one, surely.

...and immediately stop scoring.

Suits me, as long as I don't have to hear about either of them ever again.

It should get you free parking at St Mary's

I assume that's in reverse order?

It drives me up the f****king wall.

Are you saying... 'Some of my best friends are Tories'?

The Carnival is Over - The Seekers There are so many from the mid sixties but this one was always played at the dance place (they didn't call them discos then) where I met my missus in February 1966. This was always the last record of the evening before the lights came up and it was you last chance to have a close shuffle round the floor and find out whether you were in luck. We were both sixteen at the time bu this takes us right back. There are so many others I could have chosen from then. Magical Mystery Tour - The Beatles Christmas 1967. Between leaving sixth form and going to university, loads of parties before all going our separate ways, rolling in the snow outside, I can't hear that song without the memories flooding back. Wichita Lineman - Glen Campbell My first term at university, September 1968. It was on the radio all the time. Isn't She Lovely - Stevie Wonder This came out when our daughter was born and summed everthing up perfectly.

That crossed my mind too. I suppose only the players would know.

Yes, a remarkable ability.

I think you'll find they're all off playing internationals.

Another victim, apparently.

Is 2003 the number of times you've mentioned Hoddle or the number of times you've mentioned relegation?

Yes indeed.

Still settling in.

Nice. I feel a groin strain coming on.

I can't play backgammon: what does that make me?