CHAPEL END CHARLIE

I note with much interest that a film version of ''Child 44'' will be coming to our screens soon. I believe that I'm not the only person on here who has read Tom Rob Smith's novel on which the film will be based, so I guess that I'm also probably not alone in hoping that Hollywood (for once) does it justice. Only those who have read this morally complex and enthralling book will understand just how big a 'ask' that may prove to be.

Me and littleuns first trip to St Marys since Crystal Palace knocked us out of the FA Cup a while ago, and if it wasn't a especially great performance, then at least we got a good result and we both enjoyed our big day out. A few thoughts: Our back four is as cohesive a group of top class defenders as I've seen play for this club. Shane Long and Sadio Mane are talented players who work their socks off too. Steve Davis was as neat and tidy as ever - but does he hurt the opposition enough? Rotten luck for Forster - but Super Kelv was ready when we needed him. Top man. Pelle hapless yet again. Is this a case of temporary bad form, or is he another Saganowski in the making? Sobering to think that this may be my last chance to watch this team before it's broken up. Burnley are not a lost cause, but you could see them fade as the game progressed.

Off-line, I can confirm that I am indeed remarkably young, fit and handsome. I am also fabulously wealthy and naturally much loved/respected by my wide circle of adoring friends. My sex life has become the talk of the town, my career a unbroken succession of one high powered position followed by another - indeed, I may well have become Secretary General of the United Nation were it not for my unstinting devotion to family life. Being such a fine example of Humanity at its very best I obviously do a lot of unpaid charity work in my spare time, but being incredibly modest of course, I never tell anyone about that ... oh and despite what PAP says, the record shows that I have never made a single spelling, or grammer, mistoke in my entire life. And on-line, well my ability to tell lies on Internet forums is the stuff of legend ...

I sure can't top that! Tell us how you get on - if you survive that is

As an aside to this heated debate, I briefly found myself behind the wheel of one of Clarkson's very favorite cars yesterday - the might Mercedes C63 AMG. Now I've driven a few cars in my time ... but GREAT SHATNER'S GHOST those things are quick!

In the spirit of scientific investigation, why don't we take it in turns to reply to Sarnia so that we can then learn just how long he is prepared to keep this going? I'm betting it will be a matter of years. You never know, we could write a article entitled 'Internet Forum Psychosis' on our findings, submit it to the Journal of Physiological Research for publication, and then become fabulously wealthy on the earnings.

Yes I can see the truth in what you are saying. In a previous existence when I was working on a removal van, it was generally the less well off who would give you a tip for a job well done, while the better off people (more often than not anyway) would keep their hands in their pockets because they expected good service as a right. Now that was okay with me, but generosity of spirit is one of the better qualities a person can learn in life I think.

Interesting study. I've met over the years plenty of wealthy people who were a genuine pleasure to be with, and others who considered themselves to be better than their fellow man ... and they had the money to prove it. It's not the money really - its the love of money you have to watch out for.

Is anybody very surprised that the Metropolitan Police have now become involved in this growing scandal? Nope, I didn't think so either. I came across this worrying story the other day: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/establishment-child-abuse-council-staff-feared-civil-servant-was-murdered-for-planning-to-expose-paedophile-ring-10101575.html Murder, child rape, conspiracy and rumours of establishment cover-ups - this story will run for years to come

I find SOG's long post more than a little odd frankly. On one hand I see it categorically stated that Jeremy Clarkson apparently ''punched him in the face'' resulting in a injury sufficiently serious for the Producer in question to require hospital treatment. That would obviously be a grave matter that would require virtually instant dismissal from any serious job and a police arrest for good old 'Common Assault' too you would think. However, the quotes obtained from various eyewitness make no mention of this rather pertinent fact and concentrate instead only on the length of this now notorious 'fracas' and the foul language employed by JC. Very strange. Perhaps the alleged assault occurred at some point when the quoted eye witnesses were not present, or maybe there is something not quite right with the story. Whichever it be I await further developments with interest.

Didn't JC once give Peirs Morgan a slap? An offence so grave the only fitting punishment would have been to nominate him for 'The Queens Award for Industry' ...

Now it should be abundantly clear to all by now that you obviously don't happen to like Clarkson - indeed you could hardly have made that any clearer. Therefore, the irresistible temptation you feel to use this incidence of diva-like bad behavior as a veritable 'stick to beat him with' is quite understandable I suppose. But you too should understand that my ability to comprehend another's motivations, is not the same thing as my finding them very impressive.

From the reports I have seen by people who were actually there, JC did indeed get into a heated row with this producer fella. Whether JC actually did strike him seems very unclear at this time. If he did, then that's instant dismissal from any job of course. I suspect however that it probably didn't get that far from what I understand. Try to look at it from another point of view for once - after a busy day filming you get back to your hotel late in the evening to be told that no proper meal has been organised and would a sandwich do? Remember this is the star of a multi million pound international hit TV show we are talking about here. Hay his 'prima donna' like behavior does make Clarkson look foolish. But the production team, people who are well paid to sort out this type of problem, come across as a bit 'Micky Mouse' to don't you think? James May said yesterday that this whole business has been blown up out of all proportion - he may well be right.

From what I've read and seen so far, the pre season buz is that Mercedes are yet again looking very strong, and not just for the first race but for the whole season perhaps. With a new team principle in place and Vettal behind the wheel Ferrari should improve, indeed they and Williams may be the 'best of the rest' in 2015. I heard relatively little talk about Red Bull, but Daniel Ricciardo is such a great driver give him a half decent car and I reckon he'll impress again. As for Mclaren's chances this season ... oh dear.

I think that there is a time and a place for almost anything in this world. It may be however that performing songs in the street that are laced with obscene language during broad daylight, a setting where people (including children) who might be offended by that behavior are virtually certain to be present, is not that appropriate 'time and place'. There was a time not so long ago when this would have been obvious and accepted by nearly everyone. I say that if we choose to live in society where we are surrounded by other people, people who don't necessarily share in the same set of values as we do, then it seems to me we have to at least make some attempt to balance our right to express ourselves freely with the duty we owe others to behave in a reasonable and temperate manner. Many will applaud the street busker's shown above - and the message of their song is not a bad one - but I tend to think the Police should be called to move them on.

My dear chap, the answer to your singular question is that you should bring this twisted matter to the attention of a certain Mr S Holmes of 221b Baker St, London NW1 - who will no doubt deal with the problem with his customary degree of brusque efficiency. By the way, I do believe this is the first occasion the word 'brusque' has ever been employed on any football forum. So even if you don't agree with a word a say, you just can't deny that I do bring a certain 'touch of class' to proceedings on occasion.

So I don't even make your top five now do I I know I did spoil the ending of Wolf Hall for you, but to be publicly snubbed like this really hurts. #goingawaytocryinthecorner

This week I am mostly reading 'German Battlecruisers of World War One' by Gary Staff - which is a superb reference book that deals with the design and operation history some superb warships. But something tells me that few of you will be as interested in the armoured ships of the Kaisers navy as I am. So instead I will tell you about the other book I have on the go at the moment - 'Enigma' by Robert Harris. A story of love, betrayal and cryptography set in the (now) famous Betchley Park during the war, this is one of those novels any reviewer would struggle to avoid using the horrible old cliche of 'I can't put it down' when writing of it - but what can I do, that is the literal truth of the matter. Harris is such a skilled novelist that whichever book of his I pick up I immediately fall into whatever world he has created for me - be it the life of Cicero, a post WWII where the Nazi's had won, or here a mystery set amid the cheap wooden huts and brilliant academic minds of wartime Buckinghamshire. Highly recommended ... and much better than the film version by the way.

Hobnobs are made from the crap McVites sweep up off the floor after they have made proper Digestives. The pukka Chocolate Digestive is beyond any doubt the supreme achievement of the British biscuit industry and a gift to Humanity that ranks alongside steam locomotion I think. Custard Creams are okay I suppose, but there is something rather effeminate about them and years of experience has taught me that they are no match for a good Bourbon. Those with a sweet tooth may find Nice to be very nice of course - but be careful how long you dunk them in your tea if you want to avoid disaster! As for Rich Tea ... the beige cardigan of the biscuit world.

Well I am not in the least embarrassed to admit that I am one of the 'saddos' who enjoy watching Top Gear - this strange sadness must be contagious then because there are literally millions of us all over the world. Indeed I've been watching Top Gear since the time William Woollard was road testing Austin Maestro's! Much as I have enjoyed the programme over the years (the 'specials' are still superb television) those who say it is running out of steam may well have a point - the recent 'ambulance' feature and a pointlessly silly piece on Peugeot's being Exhibit 1 for the prosecution. I just can't see the show continuing in its current format without JC (Clarkson not Christ) and I don't think the BBC can back down after so publicly stating that he was on the dreaded 'final waring'. So this probably is the end of TG as we know it then - and for all the criticism the beeb will have a hard task on their hands devising another series that will be even half as successful as TG has been over the years. PS - what will Dave do!

A classic modern Peugeot? A contradiction in terms you may think, but I'm not so sure because I reckon that these 406 Coupe's are timelessly pretty things and, coming form such humble origins, perhaps not that many decent examples are left on the road now:

Tommy Forecast was hard done by? It seems to me that he, and the likes of Anthony Pulis for that matter, were extremely fortunate to find themselves in the enviable position of being paid professional footballers when their ability to perform at a high level in the game was questionable at best.

So that's a former Home Secretary and Chief of the Defence Staff under Police investigation now. The gravity of this situation is very obvious - indeed it's hard to imagine how this matter could possibly get any closer to the heart of the British Establishment. Unless a former Prime Minister becomes implicated too that is ...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-31789827 Although this information relating to the knighthood awarded to the late Cyrill Smith MP in 1998 is clearly historical in nature, even today in order to extract this story from the Cabinet Office (via The Freedom of Information Act) the Mail had to go so far as to make a formal complaint to the 'Information Commissioner' before No 10 would release it. That is a mere 11 months after first requesting it ...