I think your liberal use of the term 'bedwetter' is a bit insulting for those of us with wee wee problems and rubber bed sheets.
Can you not just use the term 'c*nt'.
He doesn't appear to have any tattoos.
Does the the club have their own official tattooist? Ginger Toms in Bedford Place would be an excellent choice. Apparently, Cortese sent Lovren there to have the Champions League trophy inked on his foreskin.