Upwind

My doctor rang me the other day, he said my wifes test results had got mixed up with another patients. "We don't know whether she's got Alzheimers disease or AIDS" says the doc. "What shall I do?" asks I "Well, I'm going to put her on the wrong bus. If she finds her way home don't **** her!" he replies

I'm sick of all these people who think they are worse off than everyone else. A mate of mine severed his vocal chords and lost both legs in a car accident But he doesn't make a song and dance about it...

A mate of mine went into W.H.Smith the other day. "Do you have that new self help book for men with very small ****s?" he asked. "Don't think its in yet" replies the assistant. "Yea, that's the one" said my mate

I was in the pub with the Mrs last night and I said "I love you"..... She said "Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied "It's me-talking to the beer"!

Before I got through to the Sea World booking line, I was asked to say "Jump through the hoop!".......... and "Do a flip!" They said my call may be recorded for training porpoises.

I agree and I'm not really endorsing anyone. I think to find a 'safe pair of hands' amongst a unscrupulous bunch is a challenge in itself. I have to say I think Cameron would have been the sort of character needed - if circumstances had been different... TM may prove to be more 'Thatcher-esk' in power and may well prove to be the iron-lady type we need.

I don't disagree with your comments - other than to dismiss the others as bit part players. We forget that Cameron himself was only 39 (I think) and had only been an MP for 4 years when he was made leader (2005) and was elected to PM some 4/5 years later (2010)... Crabb was elected in 2005 (11 years in parliament) and has had 2 Cabinet positions. He is also a similar age to that of Cameron when elected as leader. Leadsom admittedly has less parliamentary experience at 6 years - although still more than Cameron had...

I'm surprised that May is only 59.... she's got lines on her face that you could propagate potatoes in...... however, she is probably the best of a mediocre bunch..

I think the Danes will be next to push for it. The're notoriously anti EU and have previously voted against it in their 3 EU referendums to date... If they get the vote (and there have been calls) they will happily cut the strings. I also personally hope that the Finns get the opportunity - if only because it will be referred to as a Fixit...... Ultimately others will wait to see the fallout from the Brexit and the settlement deal that Britain gets...

At least Roy Hodgson had a coherent plan on how to exit Europe.......

**This** Without the 'complications' of the EU, a trade agreement with the US should be negotiable in a substantially reduced time-frame...

Boris to take over............... fook me. Even better Boris and Trump............

FWIW, I think that at the very worse the McCanns are culpable of neglect, causing the death of their child. I don't think that it is beyond the realms of reality that their child was killed by them, perhaps not intentionally, perhaps in an accident or act of violence... Either way, it remains for the authorities to find the necessary evidence, a body, clothing, a witness that can confirm any of this and until such time, we have to assume they are innocent. If there are skeletons (sic) in the closet, we may never find them.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out...

At a job interview a gent was asked... "What's your weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a **** what you think."

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?" "It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. "John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted. She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it." After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now." "Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still under the cart, I guess."

Donald Trump has announced that due to concerns regarding Muslim integration, he intends to sell his golf course in Scotland. He states that this is predominantly because of its' links to Mullah Kintyre...

A guy walks into a pub and says, ”Can you remove this steering wheel from my pants?” The bartender says, ”Why is that there? Is it annoying?” “Yes,” the man said, ”it’s driving me nuts.”

Yesterday I saw a man talking to a Shetland Pony with a speech impediment. Horse Lisperer....

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops"

Loads of migrants called Jack flooding in I've heard..........

Lost my best mate Gavin to heartburn yesterday. Can't believe gaviscon.

Here's a prospect - what if Donald got elected and Boris took the Tory reins............now that would be interesting

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face "Shoite, Shoite !" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face again. "Bi'Jesus. I'm fookin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes look up the stairs, which look a daunting prospect however, he rests a bit and manages to crawl up to reach his bedroom door. He slumbers into the room and again falls flat on his face, before finally clawing his way into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was fookin ****ed"..... But how did you know?' "Mick phoned ....... You left your wheelchair at the pub....."

Hey ho......... - think we would be able to manage?