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British humour


dune
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I'm probably jus behind the times cos i had older parents and brothers, but not really into most politically correct jokes and humour. What made us brits the best sense of humour was our culture of england ireland scotland wales - all proud of our nationality, but still all united by being brits. We all used to be able to take the **** outta each other and laugh at ourselves but those days are dieing and it's just the older generation that still enjoy the banter. I reckon it's pretty sad.

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An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''

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Well I've just read it. I was brought up on North London 'cheeky chappy' Eric Idle sort of humour where you have to make a joke about everything. I found out later that they have a different sense of humour 'oop north'. Or perhaps they just don't have one.

 

they just don't like southern softies.

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Well I've just read it. I was brought up on North London 'cheeky chappy' Eric Idle sort of humour where you have to make a joke about everything. I found out later that they have a different sense of humour 'oop north'. Or perhaps they just don't have one.

 

Eric Idle is from South Shields in Northumbria.

Edited by Matthew Le God
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I'll tell you what winds me up, the yanks. Yeah yeah we can take the **** outta them cos they're fat and stupid (apart from bush whos great) but when they take the **** back it just aint funny (understandle cos they aint funny - take too much intelligence they aint got) cos they they aint like us and do it blatently like, nah these ****s do it and prtend they not doing it. Think of any film they make like lord of the rings and them little things (hobbits) are Irish, the stupid swarf is scottish (fair enough - ginger/midget - check yep thats cool_) but then there's the english, the greatest race on earth that ruled hald the globe and we're ****ing orks. ****s ****s ****s/

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Nothing like some massive generalisations to stir up debate! :D

 

All saints fans are smart, trendy, lads and lasses about town, all pompey fans are tramps. there you go generalisations are true. wis derry was online, eckon could get some good banter cos he aint got the quickest sense of humour poor lad.

 

BTW i have hundreds of funny as **** joke, but none of them can i post up here lol.

Edited by dune
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What I hate is that every american film has to have a shot through the windscreen of two people screaming with their mouths open. What's all that about?

 

You never know a burger might come flying through the air, they gotta be prepared for the chance of food.

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Tell you what i don't like though and that the discrimination of the gingers. ginger beer, ginger cake, ginger cats - these are all cool things, so come on everyone start loving the gingers. They are almost normal people like you and me.

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And then stuff like the empire. we've not said sorry enough times, bit like basil fawlty and the germs and the war, **** we gotta all carry big signs above our heeads say "i'm the descendant of a slave driver, loved the cheap sugar but sorry, and mebeee we fint give yuou such a good a deal for rhodesia - BUT HEY YOU SIGNED THE PAPERWORK. So whats it all about us till having to say sorry and countries that aint doing so good blame us us cos thewind blew their coconuts down. I say its time to stop looking backwards and start looking forwards, we got loads of good **** gonna happen like the olympics, the near high speed rail and seeing if Fitzhugh fella wears his pink jacket to the game. Time to stop saying sorry for being british - we're the bestest.

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I play pool with a coloured lad and he gets the **** taken mildly, but he aint bothered and gkves it back. He aint got any lack of confifence in who he is so why should he feel hurt. I know that racist comments made generally can be hurtful, but if an irish mate takes the **** oitta me for being english i aint bovd cos i'm proud to be english and him likewise, it's the same with pat the lad i mentioned. reckon that most of the PC#ness doesn't come from those who've relocated to britain, but from those who sit on thier middle glass suburbs rwindlinmg their thumbs foe a cause.

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An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

 

"But" said the Scotsman," I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavishe's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th for you".

 

"Well, said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

 

"Ahhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another ..... all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All this on the house"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well", said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not myself, personally, no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

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An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

 

"But" said the Scotsman," I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavishe's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th for you".

 

"Well, said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

 

"Ahhh, that's nothing", said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another ..... all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All this on the house"

 

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well", said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not myself, personally, no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

 

 

:lol:

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An irishman is walking home in the dark after a night on the town when he is propositioned by a prostitute. They are going at it in his car when a policeman shines a torch through the window.

 

'What's going on here then?', says the policeman.

 

'I'm just making love to my wife' says the irishmen.

 

'I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that was your wife'.

 

'Neither did I 'til you shined your torch on her.'

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I'll tell you what winds me up, the yanks. Yeah yeah we can take the **** outta them cos they're fat and stupid (apart from bush whos great) but when they take the **** back it just aint funny (understandle cos they aint funny - take too much intelligence they aint got) cos they they aint like us and do it blatently like, nah these ****s do it and prtend they not doing it. Think of any film they make like lord of the rings and them little things (hobbits) are Irish, the stupid swarf is scottish (fair enough - ginger/midget - check yep thats cool_) but then there's the english, the greatest race on earth that ruled hald the globe and we're ****ing orks. ****s ****s ****s/

 

Ironic really.

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they just don't like southern softies.

 

A friend in manchester sent me a copy of a cd, must be 3 years ago by now. He didnt bother with my name, just addressed it to "Southern Softy". Ive still got the same postie on this round, and thats still what he calls me :rolleyes:

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Paddy, Jock and John are sat up on the scaffolding at lunch time, John opens his lunch box and says "cheese ! i'm sick of cheese ! if ive got cheese tomorrow i'm throwing myself off of this scaffold !!" Jock opens up his lunch box and says "Ham !, i'm sick of ham ! if ive got ham tomorrow i'm throwing myself off this scaffold !!" Paddy opens his and says "Jam ! i'm sick of Jam ! if ive got Jam tomorrow i'm throwing myself off too !!" next day at dinner time John opens up his lunch box see's its cheese and throws himself off, Jock see's his is Ham and throws himself off, Paddy opens his to see its Jam and throws himself off, all died on impact.

At the funerals, Johns wife sobbing says "I don't understand it I thought John loved cheese", Jocks wife cried "I don't understand it I thought Jock loved Ham" Paddy's wife said "I don't understand it...Paddy made his own Sandwiches"

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Mick and Paddy were digging graves one night, when they took a rest. Mick, leaning up against a gravestone, said "Cor look Paddy. Ethel here lived til she was 98 years old!". Paddy looked at what he was leaning on. "This one was 190 when they died!" he exclaimed. "What was their name" said Mick. "Miles. Miles from London" replied Paddy.

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What made us brits the best sense of humour was our culture of england ireland scotland wales - all proud of our nationality, but still all united by being brits.

 

Nationalism has been discouraged for some time now, why ? perhaps its all to do with losing independance, the world seems to be getting smaller almost turning into one state, as highlighted earlier any reference to the Empire 'Great Britain' once was and you are quickly reminded of the crimes committed in becoming such, told how badly 'we' treated others in our belief that the English were an imperial race, is this simply in order that we are more receptive to mass immigration that has happened changing how britains existed for centurys, is it a better place since we have lost our heritage, who knows ? I know it would be good to allow some to speak their minds without fear of being labeled racist or xenaphobic.

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