miserableoldgit

Well I liked it! Good old C&P!

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! Unbelievable, but SUPPOSEDLY all true!!!! Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one... Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk.. sorry.... Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and. Customer: Hold on pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... Customer: I have problems printing in red... Tech support: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah...................thank you. Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer:! OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ? Customer: can't get on the Internet. Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears. Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech support: Are you running it under windows? Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.' And last but not least... Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P ' to bring up the Program Manager.' Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "how are you getting on?" Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked - "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else" A pompey girl sent an email to an Agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?" My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its ********!! They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk **** and can't drive! Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled" "No" she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard" A mate of mine has just told me he's ****ging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!" A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me" "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNEgKGEDfOk http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCE2RxuAFck

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNEgKGEDfOk

And the sad thing is that you just KNOW that the bastards will be allowed to get away with it because the PL won`t want to spoil the PL brand name.

I think that what RVW was trying to achieve (and succeeded in producing ) was an evocation of the great English countryside. I cannot hear the piece without picturing the things that you have mentioned. A wonderful piece of quintessentially English music.

Something we DO agree on!

Now you`re just being stupid!

I love all of the ones that DD mentioned but I also really love to hear a full ground singing "Ireland Ireland" at a rugby match.

Can`t remember the last time I had any Saturday Relief:(

Arrogance Ignorance and Greed - Show of Hands http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/reviews/f328

They are apparently thinking about having an "Owner of the Month" award introduced.

Here:- http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00nlxph/Afternoon_Play_The_Tony_Kay_Scandal/

Just listened to a very good play on Radio 4 called "The Tony Kay Scandal" which was about the betting scandal that came to light in the 60`s. Well worth a listen when it is available on i-player.

Just listened to a very good play on Radio 4 called "The Tony Kay Scandal" which was about the betting scandal that came to light in the 60`s. Well worth a listen when it is available on i-player. Please ignore this post! Posted in wrong place!

Abducted by aliens?

TBH the sooner that the "Big" clubs **** off the better. Their only interest is the money that they can earn from European games. They play weakened teams in the LC and are starting to do it in the FAC. As far as they are concerned, the PL is just the thing that they have to play in to qualify for the CL. It makes me laugh when the Chelseas and Arsenals complain that they are playing too many games so they propose a smaller PL (as has happened before) to the detriment of other teams. They are playing too many games because the European Cup went from a knock-out competition to the Champions League, bringing in the top four from each league rather than just the Champions. Sadly these money grabbing bastards are killing the game. I have absolutely no interest in watching the CL or generally PL games on Sky. Give me Saints at SMS anyday.

She is still there although her husband died a year or two back.

The best engine A notable gynaecologist once said, "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so ****ing temperamental."

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a heavy drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . 'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? ' 'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said... "A pumpkin? **** .... is it midnight already?"' This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Going to The Newport is like stepping back in time. Like something from an old Ealing movie. Lovely.

Have you ever thought about going into the Diplomatic Corps or working for Relate??

I am working in Braishfield ATM and one of the best albums ever "Liege and Lief" by Fairport Convention was recorded just along the road at Farley Chamberlayne in the late 60`s. I also got inolved with a kids serial called "The Witches and the Grinnygog" a lot of which was recorded around Southampton and Winchester.