Bearsy

Lols i like the main boarders coming on here mugging you off! I mean, till they start on me then they is gonna experience the wrath!

You should probably change ur avatatar Beltchy!

Maybe! At the beginning before it started she done one of them dedications, i can't remember exactly but it was like "To Jose Fonte of Bell End, Southampton without you this book could never have been" and I was lol.... everyone is now thinking that this Jose Fonte character is pervert!

Nah there's nothing like that bro! They ain't even got them helpful chapter headings you sometimes see to give you a clue bout what's happening. Like if i found it was saying Chapter 16: I Won't Sh!t Right For A Week I'd be tempted to skip on ahead but there ain't nothing useful like that. It's almost as if EL James wants me to read the whole entire book!

Word? She's a chunky monkey? I'm surprised by this! B!tches with weight issues is usually bringing it up at every opportunity. Also, I'm yet to find her actually eating anything. When they was having a coffee he said do you want something to eat? And she's like "No..." but now you mention it she did find it necessary to mention every time he took a bite of his blueberry muffin. Fat cow was obviously regretting turning one down herself, she was probably snaffling up crumbs when his back was turned. I forgot to mention we is finding out Jose's full name is Jose Rodriguez! If she's trying to cover for Fonte she might have at least picked a non-saints surname! Edit: Also, i dunno where you're getting your insider infos but you don't happen to know when the filth kicks in do ya? You may have detected a slight bitterness of spirit in my review of chapter 3 but frankly I've done 48 pages so far and literally nothing has happened!

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 3 As I predicted the selfish b!tch makes poor Jose come with her to take these photos. They all go along actually, we've got Anastasia Steele, Jose, Katherine 'Kate' Kavanagh and for some reason another dude called Travis bout who I know nothing but I've already decided he's a bit of a cvvnt just from his name. Then ole Christian Grey walks in and I lol a bit cos he's only wearing "grey flannel pants". I'm picturing crusty, baggy y-fronts but this of course is America and she is probably meaning trousers. Anastasia is now callously mooning over Christian Grey in front of everyone while we learn poor Jose is burning enviously in the backgrounds. If I know b!tches Anastasia is loving this. They like nothing better than having people all jealous. After the photos she fixes it so she and Grey is going for coffee and no-one else is invited, even Jose who has generously donated half his morning to taking photos free of charge when he obviously had better things to do, and even worse than that she was sposed to be driving them all home but she now selfishly makes them get a taxi or whatever. Katherine 'Kate' Kavenagh tries to warn her off and that don't surprise me either. B!tches do not genuinely like to see their mates copping off with hot strangers, specially when they've got to cart 3 tonne of camera equipment back on public transport with only Jose and that cvvnt Travis for company. Do we know how old this Anastasia Steele is? I spose I should be in a position to say cos I'm the one reading the ****ing thing but I don't recall it actually being mentioned. She's in the final year of her university thing so I guess that's got to make her at least 20. Reason I'm worried bout this is cos when they're walking to the Costa or whatever he is holding her hand and she is casually mentioning in her internal monologues that "No-one has ever held my hand before." This strikes me as odd! I mean I ain't a big hand-holder myself, I don't see the point of it, it makes walking more difficults and if you is doing it in public you is looking like a bit of a d!ck-head or whatever... but still, Never? There must be something seriously wrong with her hands! I'm thinking she must have some disgusting skin condition or something. She did mention at one point her fingers were knotted and I assumed it was metaphorical or whatever but maybe it was literal. Maybe her hands is all mangled up in some way, probably a carpentry accident before she learned the difference between birds and saws. So they have a long and boring chit-chat in the Starbucks, mostly going over old ground so I can learn that all her family connections is still the same as they were in the preceeding chapter when I already had to read bout the ****ing things and then they is walking back and then she is doing that thing b!tches do where they is pretending to trip over so you is having to grab them and then she is looking into his eyes which I am amazed to discover is still grey but thanks for mentioning it EL James you fvvcktard and then she is dropping another horrific bombshell: "For the first time in 21 years, I want to be kissed" Is it just me or are you starting to think this b!tch is a virgin? A 21 year old virgin? A hot 21 year old virgin? I dunno bout you but all the hot girls I've investigated didn't make it to 16 without getting nailed. I spose her spack hands held her up a bit, or she might have been a porker in her younger years or whatever, but still this strikes me as peculiar! I'll let it go for now. If I know Anastasia Steele like I think I know Anastasia Steele the b!tch will be boring us with the whole story in the internal monologue of her next chapter.

W-wait... I'm having to read the ****ing book every night now? FFS! Nice of you to care tho homes! I'm sorry if any mainboarders is having to slum it down in the muppet shows to get their literary updates or whatever, you could always hang out in one of our many other amusing threads while you is waiting! Kind Regards, Bearsy Muppet Show Moderator (HONS)

Jose don't do misses no more, you're thinking of Rodriguez. That was a football and grammars jokes sponsored by Bletch!

Hi Tokyos! You don't need to worry bout that, though this book is in some ways terrible and I really couldn't stomach more than one chapter at a time I'm definitely gonna stick with it at least till I get to the filith! She is really dragging it out though. I'm starting to worry that everyone's been having me over and it ain't a dirty book at all! I don't actually bother with Football Managers, at least not the main PC one it's far too long and complications. I usually get the iPhones one to play when I'm having a dump but they don't bother bringing that out till like after the season ended when no-one cares anymore. Mostly, I'm playing a long game to try and recruit MLG for Muppet Shows. He'd be ideal on here - we need a straight man. There are no straight men in Muppet Shows.

To be fair that's a simple misunderstanding. Stuff it in my face baby! You can see why he got excited.

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter 2 EL James thinks I'm a right dumbass! I mean the events of chapter 1 only just happened but EL James seems to think I've forgotten all bout it cos she spends most of Chapter 2 telling me the same stuff again. This chick Anastasia Steele or whatever goes back to her gaff and talks the whole chapter over again with Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh. It's pretty dull stuff to be honest, but I can see why they is all gassing bout it, cos their other topics of conversation is even more borings. Here is a example of their typical dialogues: "Would you like a sandwich?" "Please." "What sort of sandwich would you like?" "I would like a ham sandwich." This is pretty much how I imagine b!tches talk when there ain't no dudes around. It seems very realistic. If there's one thing I know bout b!tches it's that they lack personality. At least the hot ones do anyways. We is then learning a bit bout her family and her place of work and the genealogy of her horses and whatever. There is probably a bit too much informations bout this, it ain't very interesting. One bit that made me lol is when she mentions her stepdad is a carpenter and he's the reason she "knows the difference between a hawk and a handsaw". I'm starting to wonder exactly how dumb this b!tch is! If it weren't for her stepdad luckily being a woodworker she'd of being trying to saw her floorboards with a ****ing bird! Then it's Friday night and this new character Jose is turning up at her gaff with a bottle of champagne. This is sparking my interest! Then we is finding out he is a photographer. This is sparking my interests still further! Then we is finding out that she knows he wants to bone her but she is keeping him in the friend zone. I don't like it when b!tches is thinking they can do that. I don't stand for it personally. I mean it's obvious that if she come out and actually said it weren't happening he would never bother hanging bout with her. It would be a kinder thing to do. I mean, if he's gonna sit around having to listen to her and Katherine "Kate" Kavanagh bang on bout ham sandwiches the least they could do is give him a little titty vvank or something to alleviate the boredom. The next thing is it's Saturday and she's working at her job which is a hardware store, which is presumably where she advises customers to cut their decking with handsaws rather than avians and then BOOM! That Christian Grey turns up in what seems to me a very stalker-ish move. They is obviously not having hardware stores in Seattle so he is having to come all the way to Washington or Vancouver or wherever the **** she lives to get his junk. She positively creams herself when she sees him, but she plays it cool and is like "Mr Grey, what can I help you with?" He buys cable ties and some rope. I'm not even joking. Cable ties and rope. I was half expecting him to be like "oh and have you got any gimp masks?" She's obviously a really sh!t saleswoman cos this simple transaction takes like 10 pages. I can only imagine the poor bastards queueing behind these cvvnts. I'd be doing my nut if i was trying to buy some nails or whatever and the dude in front is spending half hour chatting up the sales girl. Anyways it ends up that they is having to meet tomorrow to get a photo of him for the interview. It ain't a problem, she knows a photographer. She's gonna make that poor bastard Jose do it.

Thanks to them homies who is supporting this investigations! I've been a bit busy today but every now and then I'm thinking bout what might be gonna happen in Chapter 2! I was a bit underwhelmed with the lack of filth in chapter 1 but i spose when you think bout it pornos are a bit like that, you have to set the scene or whatever. Watching some dude fisting a skank is much hotter if you know it's cos she can't afford to get her washer repaired. I'm gonna read chapter 2 laters and will provide all the investigations. Have kleenex on standby!

50 Shades of Grey: Chapter One It starts of with a bit of first person narration. We know instantly it's a woman cos she's moaning on bout her hairdo. She goes on to moan bout some broad called Katherine Kavenagh of which we know nothing, then she's moaning bout final exams so we learn she's at university or whatever, then she moans bout her hair some more then she moans that her eyes are too big for her face which sounds grotesque. This is all old news. I already knew b!tches like to moan. It bangs on like this for a while. She moans bout her room-mate who turns out to be the aforementioned Katherine Kavenagh though that took some investigations on my part cos now we're suddenly calling her Kate, then she moans bout having to interview a "mega-industrialist tycoon" later today which seems to me a pretty clumsy introduction for what I spose is gonna be the first boning in the book. I've seen stunt cocks more subtly introduced in german porn. It's actually a pretty lame bit of exposition or whatever. In the space of one paragraph we're being clumsily informed that this stud is "the enigmatic entrepeneur and major benefactor of Grey Enterprise Holdings Inc" and a load of other guff bigging up how he's all powerful and important. I'm already investigating that she's gonna be a submissive. I've seen them pornos before. So she heads off to do this interview thing. Before she goes she bangs on briefly bout how hot Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh is and I'm investigating that their might be time for a quick bit of lesbian action but it ain't happening cos she's already off in her car. Apparently we're in "Vancouver, Washington". This confuses me. Which is it? Ain't they in whole different countries? The b!tch has given her car a name. She calls it "Wanda". This p!sses me off briefly but it turns out alright cos Katherine "Kate" Kavenagh lends her a "Sporty Mercedes CLK". I'm already investigating that this ain't gonna be a very well written book. Something bout how "the miles slip away as I put the pedal to the metal" makes me want to puke. So she rocks up at this blokes offices. I won't trouble you with her description of the building, it goes on for the next 3 pages. We do learn however that she is wearing a navy-blue jacket, skirt, blue sweater and knee length boots. Phwoar. We also learn her name is Anastasia Steele. Yuck. So the other b!tches in the offices mug her off for a bit, then finally she gets called into see the big cheese. She's banging on bout how nervous she is and... lol check this!... as she walks into his office she trips over and falls onto her hands and knees! I think I know what's coming, but he don't mount her straight away instead he helps her up with his "long-fingered hands". They have a bit of a chit-chat, this is pretty boring mostly and goes on for ages but i think the point is to dump some more exposition on us. She's wet for him already. He's well hot and conveniently well rich. He's 6 years older. He's gonna be handing out the whatever's at her university's graduation. His name is Christian Grey. By some extraordinary coincidence he's got grey eyes. Then she leaves. He don't even knob her first. In his defence when they was chatting she suddenly asked him "Are you gay?". No dude likes to hear that. That'd put me off my game too.

50 Shades Of Grey: Overview Ok so the copy I've got here is in paperback. This is not a surprise, girls don't buy their books hardback, they're too tight fisted or whatever. The cover is mostly black and a bit green, not like you would imagine a shade of grey or whatever. It's possible the Shades of Grey is a metaphor for something. I will investigate this later. There's a picture thing on the front. After some investigation I have found this to be a close up of the knot of a gentlemen's silk neck tie. It appears to be a Half Windsor. I say that because it's the only knot I know. My dad learned it me. He tried to learn me the Full Windsor but I found it too difficults. I ended up with a knot the size of my fist and a tie that didn't reach down further than my nipples. From this we learn that the dude who tied the knot ain't very good at tieing knots. This may be important for laters! On the back we're being promised "Romantic, liberating and totally addictive, this is a novel that will obsess you, possess you, and stay with you forever." I don't like the sound of this. I don't mind reading it or whatever but I don't want it hanging round forever. Also, there is no mention of anal fisting in that summation. They missed a trick there. Could have boosted sales. If I didn't already know this book was dirty I wouldn't have guessed from the cover. There's probably some law against that. They probably sell this book in sweet shops, probably 10 year old girls are buying it cos they liked the twilight books. Jimmy Saville would bone in his grave. I have opened the book and learned that there are 514 pages. 514! It's all small print too. No pictures! I'm obviously tempted to skim through and hunt out the dirty bits but this is a serious investigation, and I'm gonna be investigating this filfth chapter by chapter. I'm gonna start in on it in a bit, after I've had my tea. I'm gonna start with Chapter One. Unless there's a prologue.

Hi Gays! So I was at a house party at the weekend round this girl's house, she ain't a close friend she's a friend of a friend or whatever. Anyways as I was conducting a search of her bedroom to see if she kept a vibrator i come across a well thumbed copy of the book Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L.James. When I say well thumbed, I mean the book had been well thumbed and also presumably while she was reading she had also been well thumbing her... what I'm saying is it's supposedly a very dirty book. That's what I've heard, I know a lot of girls what have read it. My mum's read it! They is all saying it's a very dirty book but I am naturally very sceptical of these claims - how dirty can a book be when you've already seen Anal B!tches 12 in live action video? It's just a book after all. Nonetheless I have confiscated Hannah's well strummed copy of 50 Shades of Grey and taken it back to my gaff for private study. It is my aim to investigate this book. I am gonna investigate exactly how dirty it is, and if we can use these datas in ongoing battles to get b!tches to do all the stuff that Jane Austens said they shouldn't. My aim in short, is to be the first man to read 50 Shades Of Grey. This is very dangerous for me. I'm an impressionable bear. When we had to read Jane Austens at school, by page 300000 or whatever I was positively ovulating. Nonetheless I'm gonna take this very serious. I am gonna read it very carefully using my eyes, and my brain, and my cock and balls. I mean, unless there's no lols then I'll probably give up after 10 pages. Your brother, Bearsy

Oh that's cool then it's obviously legit I just wanted to check before entering my bank details

A user name and password are being requested by http://www.kotusozluk.com. The site says: "Az bakim." Is anyone else getting that when they is coming on this thread?

I dunno tokyos, they is a bit arbitary them polls. It seems to me that half the people voting probably ain't even slept with these women. What they should do is once they've got their shortlist they should get someone, me for example, to bone each of the candidates and then I can give definitive answers on behalf of mankind bout which one was the most sexiest. I'm not 100% sure bout her boobs either. They may not be quite big enough. I'd have to have a closer look to be sure.

That ain't gonna fly tokyos, you need to tempt MLG using psychology of the individual! No-one plays Football Manager anymore cos the management features of FIFA are much more detailed and realistic than FM

I dunno bout that, we and us are very evenly matched

They is wanting to get a good look at Paulo's butt

Oooh! That was my original guess! I only said sidesaddle cos he was more lols

Sweet! We playin' Where's Wally/Pap? Is that you rockin the St. Mary's Sidesaddle? Ice white jumper, navy blue jeans, ice white trainers, shades. Lookin' chilled and relaxed, despite the impending goal threat.

Busted! It ain't nice to tease them over there SiP, i mean they're pretty psycho at the best of times but they're really losing their sh!t at the moment. My favourite is the one bout "Nigal" at the moment. I also like the ones bout tactical errors.