Bearsy

Rafa Benitez (I didn't vote to sack Adkins)

Here's the skinny bout Elementary: Lucy Liu plays Doctor Joan Watson. She walks with her legs slightly apart like a post op transexual with muscle memory of a vestigial cock and balls. She used to be a surgeon but now her job is to hang round with drug addicts to stop them being drug addicts. This apparently is a real job. Sherlock Holmes lives at number 42, unspecified street. He watches 6 televisions at once but 3 are showing the same channel so that ain't so impressive. The shows he watches are like soap operas and anime. He eats large pizzas. He gets all emotional, man. He's just like "Somethings off... I can feel it." Don't be feeling stuff, Sh!tlock, use your deductions! He loses his temper and then apologises FFS. He says sorry a lot. The second episode is better than the first. They introduce a new policeman to be a stupid chief and roll his eyes at Sh!tlocks deductions only to be made to look an arseclown moments later when they turn out true. Helpfully, he's black. He's like "Woah man why is y'all listn'n to harry potter?" In the BBC series Sherlock has a Memory Palace, which is like a mansion he's constructed in his mind to help organise his thoughts. We learn in Elementary that Sh!tlock has the same thing, except his is just an attic. The rest of the show is basically CSI:New York.

I was thinking that pap. I was thinking of locking every thread except the Ramirez Off Topic Thread. Then I thought what if someone wants to post bout Ramirez?

I remember going to the swimming pool as a kid and we was queing up the stairs to get on the water chute thing and there was middle aged man in front of me wearing just speedos and when he is turning round I'm seeing he is having massive boner and it's peeking out the top of his trunks ike a cautious mouse! I spose I could be generous and say that he was just like you and thinking don't get boner don't get boner but I think it more likely he was just a wrong 'un. He weren't trying to cover it up or nothing. He was being all nonchalant with his hands on his hips like people weren't going to notice the tip of his pen!s winking at them.

These are all things what are things what give me boner! Boobs when they is in a tight fitting top or a nice push up bra or whatever, i also quite like it when the bra is bit too small so they is busting out. I watch them infomercials for elasticated sports bras sometimes and when they bring on the before models who is wearing the wrong size wonder bra i try and spank one off before they get to change them into them ugly elasticated well fitting things. I also prefer boobs when they is still in clothes. That sounds gay but boobs just all out and naked ain't quite so hot! They is often not perfectly symmetrical, or the nipples is too big or too small and also they look a bit wrong just flapping about. It's like when someone who is wearing glasses is taking their glasses off. They is not looking quite right. When b!tches is crying. I like it when they is crying. Specially if it's bout some dumb thing I done or whatever. I like it when they is telling me off proper and I'm all trying to have sex with them when they is still angry. It's super hot! but it's a fine line though. If they is too mad it can get a bit rapey. When people is touching my earholes. I used to have a cat when I was like 13. He was called Toby. He's dead now. He used to sleep on my bed at night and when he is wanting to go outside to harrass the local wildlifes and bone girl cats he is licking my earholes to wake me up and let him out. This is giving me big boner! I am having mostly erotic dreams and then I'm all waking up to find to find toby routing round in my earholes. I tell people bout this sometimes, cos i like telling people bout stuff but at this point they is mostly having a horrified expression so i don't like to be telling them the next bit, which is that one time i woke up and tried to spank one off while Toby was licking me out but i got too enthusiastic and he got startled and scarpered. I still like it when people is in my earholes. Sometimes I go to doctor and complain of earaches. The television show Just For Laughs. It ain't on no more. I used to watch it on a Saturday evening before I went out. You can still see it on youtubes. They is doing pathetically childing practical jokes on people which is quite often bout catching dudes looking up b!tches skirts or whatever. This is my all time favourite one tho: [video=youtube_share;Otd31V-Pu_Q] It is totally genius! It is bout this hot guy and he is walking down the street and there is these dumb girls and he is meandering over giving them a big smile and the flirty eye or whatever and you see them thinking Oh yes I must be looking hot today or whatever and then BUUUURRRP! he is doing big belch right in their faces! and you see them all going What The ****! It's my favourite. I like to watch it every day. It's pretty bad having Sexy Burping Man in my search history but to be honest there's worse things in there. Sexy Cats or whatever.

That's what paedos should do. They should be finding girls what is looking underage but is actually legals. It's a win-win situation. I might start a dating agency for paedos where we is having overage girls but we is having them malnourished, small breasted and hairless so they is attractive to paedos, but critically they is all over 18. There is clearly demand for this service. I would call it "www.legals4paedos.cock". I would probably get knighthood if you think bout it cos imagine all the poor girls they would be otherwise molesting, I would be saving the children. Also, I would sell the datas of all my clients to The Sun so they could be tracking them down and humiliating the sick f*cks.

There was a thing in the paper bout him and Gary Glitter and Freddie Starr and I was thinking... they all look like wrong 'uns! How is that, do you think? Am I just projecting cos I already know they is wrong 'uns, or is the paper purposely picking pictures where they is looking like wrong 'uns, or is it just that wrong 'uns look like wrong 'uns! I'm going to be on the look out for wrong 'uns in my everyday business. Possibly my talent for spotting wrong 'uns could be of some use to police.

I was reading in the current bun or wherever that they is going to make a movie of this situation featuring Borat. It weren't clear, but i spose he's gonna be one of the dudes wanting to nail the lesbian. I spose it could be quite funny if she is suddenly getting harrassed by loads of blokes and she is getting more and more exasperated! They'll make her American I spose. They'll need a good actress what is looking gay. That Twilight chick could do it. I ain't sure how they'd end it hollywood style tho, I bet they're thinking they'd like her to turn straight, marry Borat and have Christian babies but they're thinking that might be offensive to gays or whatever. Also I was wondering bout this... you get the full $65m if you get her to marry you but how much is you getting if you just rape her?

Day 5 of still wearing the same shirt gate. It's really starting to whiff a bit now, if you look close you can see clouds of small flies dancing out from the armpits. I've run the chinese words or whatever through google tho and pparently they is saying "If you wash this shirt you will DIE"

Alan Partridge: You're in favour of hanging? Lord Morgan of Glossop: Yes, but only for criminals.

Is that the Sherlock Holmes? I heard Lucy Liu is playing Watson. I like her. Then I heard Jonny Lee Miller is playing Sherlock. I hate him... I'm torn. To be fair I'll probably end up watching it, if only so I can feel superior.

I saw the American remake of Inbetweeners the other day. I probably wouldn't recommend it for the following reasons: 1) Jay looks Down's Syndrome 2) Bus VVankers is replaced by the less lols "Bus Turds" 3) In the american version they is not so much taking the p!ss out of each other, they is all like "I love you man" 4) Simon and Will look like male models for Abercrombie & Fitch 5) Neil is like a stoner rather than a stupids. His dad is still gay, but we is not seeing him. Possibly cos he is now starring in The Thick Of It 6) There is generally no lols. They is mostly doing the same scripts, there was only one where it was different and Will is accidently doing multiple Facebook status updates that just read "Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Charlotte Hinchcliffe. Charlotte Hinchcliffe." That was pretty lols actually she is like "You need to chill out!" 7) They is bleeping out most the swearing

It's a shame Markus ain't still around. I reckon he'd of bankrolled all this no problem, bless him.

I'm suspicious of NAs tan. I reckon it's a bottle job. He strikes me as a natural ginger.

We obviously don't need parachute payments though Krak. If we did, we wouldn't of spent them already.

I'm just gonna mention Curb Your Enthusiasm cos it's one of my favourites and it ain't getting no love.

Also that guy who was in charge of our rectruitment this year. What's his name. Alan Nixon.

So I'm thinking we've spent more this year than we're gonna earn from ticket sales and TV money. So if we go down, the first year parachute payments is already gone so we'll probably end up taking a loan against the second year parachute payments to finance a promotion push or whatever. If we still don't go up it's gonna get a bit messy... Best idea is probably not to get relegated. That's what I'd do.

...

Just out of interest or whatever, ain't all loans against future income?

Did he come back a week later then? The echo kept that one quiet!

I'm an impatient bear so I'm already watching Season 2 of Homelands using the magic of illegal internet streams. Warning: Major Spoilerssss Follows! Episode 1: No boobs

Ugh he's wearing the same shirt as yesterday. Bet it's minging! I reckon he's one of them dudes that just sprays it with Febreeze to get another days use.

Shhhh I'm trying to get Scotty to sign all his jokes over to my offshore tax haven, Muppet Shows Limited of Monaco.

Is you making all these jokes up yourself Scotty? I feel like most people is just repeating what they is getting spammed with on Facebooks. When people is making up their own jokes can they be adding a © Muppet Shows Limited or something at the end so we can retain intellectual properties? I mean not so much Scotty's Justin Bieber ones or Doctoroncall's math gags, but like any good ones that Jimmy Carr might be pinching.