Secret Site Agent

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Wednesday. 12th May 2010. 10 am. Saints Boardroom. Alan Pardew knocks gently on the door. ‘Come in’ says Nicola ‘You wanted to see me again, Mr Countersink?’ ‘Ah, yes-a Alan. We a want a have a lille chat-a with a you.’ ‘Zat ist right, dummkopf. Ve vish to have a lille talk wiv you. Ve hav vays of making you talk, schweinhund, got in himmel!!!!’ ‘OK. Ah, why are you both talking like that? In them strange accents.’ ‘Sorry Alan. Marcus and I are giving a little bit back to the community by appearing in the Southampton Amateur Dramatics all –male rendition of ALLO ALLO – The Musical.’ Explains Nicola ‘I play General Von Klinkerhoffan’ says Marcus ‘And I play Captain Bertorelli’ says Nicola. ‘Sounds Great. Anyone else in it I might know?’ ‘Well, we did feel a bit sorry for Avram Grant, didn’t we Marcus?’ ‘Yes. So we thought we would ask him if he wanted to take part. But all the major roles had gone. All that was left was a couple of minor female roles.’ ‘Did you offer him anything, Mr Liebfraumilch?’ ‘Well, I tried. I rang him up and said, Avram, which do you fancy, Mimi or Yvette?’ ‘And what did he say?’ ‘Well he said which ever had the biggest jugs, and he wouldn’t pay over fifty pound. I had no idea what he was on about so I hung up.’ ‘Well, erm…..are you excited, Mr Lightbulb?’ ‘I am, I am. I originally wanted to play Lieutenant Gruber, but every time I said, has anyone seen my little tank? That Gaydamek would ring me up and offer me a second hand Russian T62 tank going cheap, as he has 30 surplus.’ ‘What did you tell him.’ ‘I told him I’m an engineer, and even I know that a tank is supposed to go ‘boom’. Who wants a tank that goes cheep?’ ‘Anyway’, says Nicola, ‘I think you want to tell Alan something, Marcus?’ ‘Yes I do. It’s time for you to go Alan, goodbye!’ ‘You want me gone? But why?’ ‘Tradition’ ‘Tradition?’ ‘Da da da dum, Tradition!!!’ says Marcus doing a little jig. ‘Erm, if you can stop being the Fiddler on the Roof for a second, what tradition?’ ‘Well, this is Southampton football club. And it is tradition here to change the manager more often than I change my socks’. ‘And let’s not forget, you have had your Eight months’ Adds Nicola ‘Eighteen.’ ‘Sorry?’ Says Nicola ‘Eighteen. You said Eighteen Months.’ ‘No never. Are you sure?’ ‘Yes. Eighteen months. Look, I’ve got it here, in this contract, eighteen months.’ ‘Oh. You might be right.’ Says Nicola ‘Yes but what have you done? We haven’t been promoted, have we? No play off place for us, is there?’ Says Marcus. Alan holds his hands out. ‘I’m really sorry about that, Mr Leekytap. Is that why you weren’t here on Saturday to see us thrash Southend? Because you’re not happy?’ ‘No, I’m none of the seven dwarfs. But let me tell you, there aint no mountain high enough, there aint no river wide enough, there aint no chasm deep enough to keep me from St. Marys.’ ‘So why weren’t you here?’ ‘Well, apparently there IS a volcano Smokey enough!!!’ ‘Ok, Mr Lightbulb, but we did try’ ‘Try? TRY? And where did we finish this season, eh? 17th, 18th…….’ ‘7th’ ‘7th.?’ ‘Yes 7th. And with a minus 10 start, remember?’ ‘Well, 7th. There you go. Ok, well done. But it isn’t like you won anything is it?’ ‘We won the JPT trophy.’ ‘The WHAT?’ says Marcus with a puzzled look on his face? ‘The Johnsons Paint Trophy!’ says Nicola, ‘You remember, Marcus. Look on your phone.’ Marcus takes out his digital camera and looks at the pictures. ‘Oh, yes. Look. There’s one of the crowd. There’s the first goal. There’s the second goal. There’s the third. And oh, look there’s Gregg Abbott doing that, how you say, ****ting a brick.’ ‘I think we all enjoyed that day, Mr Lipstick’. ‘Yes, yes, but what else? We aint got any top scorers’ ‘We got two’ ‘And where do they stand then?’ ‘First and Third’. ‘Are you sure?’ ‘Yep, Mr Leaveitoutphil’. ‘So, what do you recon, then Nicola?’ ‘Well, we did say eighteen months. But we do want to go up next season.’ ‘And what do you want to be able to achieve this, Alan?’ ‘Well, Mr Contraflow gave me twenty five million earlier, but I could do with some more.’ ‘More! MORE! Do you think I carry around serious cash? Well, do you?’ Marcus reaches into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. ‘Here you go, I’ve got five, ten, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, seventeen million, aaaaaand about 30 million in Euros. Will that do?’ ‘Well, it will be a start Mr Lessonsinlove’ ‘And don’t spend this on fags and water features, like you did the last lot!!!!’ ‘Fags and water features?’ Says Alan looking puzzled. Marcus turns and starts whispering the Nicola. This goes back and forth until Marcus says, ‘Nicola, you said Alan spent it on Lambert and Butler and Fountains!!!” ‘I said he spent it on LAMBERT, BARNARD AND FONTE!!!!!!’ ‘Oh. My Mistake. Anyway, you may now go. Thank you Mr POYET!’ ‘My name is Pardew, Mr LoosewimminonITV1, Alan Pardew’. Marcus looks at Alan and gives him and cheeky smile and a wink. ‘I know it is!!!! Just marking your card, Alan, just marking your card’ Marcus walks away with Nicola following behind him. ‘Do either of you ever watch the Simpsons, as you seem to have a bit of a BURNS-SMITHERS thing going on.’ ‘What was that, Alan’ says Marcus, turning. ‘Just saying we will walk this league next season, Mr Lobsterthermador’ ‘Excellent’ says Marcus. As Alan leaves, Lawrie comes in. ‘Why-eye, Man’ ‘Well, if it isn’t my old friend Mr macmenanena, macmenanan, macmenanana,........... Lawrie. Can I help you?’ ‘You can. I am rubbish at this scrabble game. All I can make from my letters is three, three letter words, WHY, EYE and MAN.’ As they leave, Marcus turns to Nicola. ‘Did I tell you I saw the Gillingham team the other day? They were playing football with some hedgehogs.’ ‘Hedgehogs? That’s terrible. Did you say anything, Marcus?’ ‘Yes. I shouted “Oi. If you don’t stop that, I’m calling the RSPCA’. ‘And then what happened, Marcus?’ ‘The bloody Hedgehogs told me to F off as they were winning 3-0’.

Pardew goes upto the door and Knocks. 'Come-a in.'. Pardew walk's into Nic's office. 'Youn wanted to see me, Mr Cotezone.' 'That is a right, Al-a-an. I wish to discuss the future.' 'Yes, no problem. I think it'll be really great. We'll all be wearing these silver suits, and have flying cars. And we'll all live on the moon.' 'No,no, no. I wish to a discuss your a future. 'ere at the club!' 'Oh, ok, Mr Countrywide. What is it you want to discuss.' 'this season I am ****ed off. We are still in this league and I just want to give Marcus a penis.' 'Ere, I'm not the sort to partake of those sort of back door shananigans. You want that manager down the other side of the M27.' 'What is wrong with giving someone a penis? We all like a penis. My mother, My Father, the local priest. They all like a penis. Now you have given the fans a lot of a penis with the paint trophy.' ' No i haven't. I told you............oh, you mean Happiness!!!!' 'What you think I mean?' 'Sorry my Courtroom'. 'Yes. I want to give everyone 'appiness. I not 'appy we still in league one. So don't let it happen again.' 'Sorry Mr Coughtintheact.' 'Yes, well next season we want out.This league no good. We want to rub shoulders with a better class of scum and villany. Like them down the road.' 'Can I have some money please?' 'What you wan' money for? I bought you an ice cream earlier.' 'I would like to buy a player' 'BUY A PLAYER? BUY A PLAYER?' 'I could always, you know, delay paying for him for a while if money is a little.....' 'BUY A PLAYER?' Nic rustles around in his pocket, 'Here. Here's a few quid... there's about fifteen million there. Go and buy a few players. And make sure you keep the receipts' 'Loverly jubbly. HAve you got any players in mind?' 'Yes, get that Sim one Jako from the Gillinanians. No, i'll tell you what! Have a look in the paper and see who the players of the season are for all the other teams and buy them. 'ere. Have a look in this old copy of the Brighton Argus first.' 'Loverly Jubberly Mr Coughsandsneezes.' 'I keep telling you. Courteze, COURTEZE' 'And who does he play for, Mr Courtnet?'

Every time my daughter and I pass the Statue we both say, 'Give Ted a wave'. And we do. I have an IQ of 157 you know. Do you think I should be retested?

My wife asked me if I ever had an affair/was unfaithful with Legod Third Coming. I laughed and said no, i'm not going to Celtic either.

I have to be honest, it seems the right thing. After all on Thursday the 6th May a collegue and I attended and award function for a job, and shared an award,(A Silver)which was nice. But as our Associated Director, the rotter, wanted us to win a gold, he didn't come. He stayed away to show us that he was upset. 'Hey, ' I said to my Collegue, ' Old Shadwell aint come because he's upset with us not winning the gold award, just a poxy silver!!!!' 'You silly runt,' said my collegue, 'Who do you think that is over there, cheering and clapping like a whirling durvish.' 'Yeh, but the MD hasn't come, has he?' I said in reproach. 'I'm sure he would have loved to come if he hadn't been stuck in friggin Scotland looking at that Flood defence jobbie in Paisley. Why, his ticket went to someone else'. 'Oh,' said I.'There seems to be a country mile behind the truth and perception.' Sorry to ramble on, but I cannot see Marcus not coming because we never made the play-offs after the way he bahaved at the JPT. Imagine the praise he would have got if HE had walked around the pitch. TBH I think it is just mindless junk throwned into the mix by speculative journos who like a bit of scandal and, as we know, their mantra is that if there isn't any scandal, invent some. And may I apologise in advance, but if Marcus DID do a walk around the pitch,or if he ever does in the future, there isn't a steward or officer of the law that would have stopped me from running onto the pitch and giving Marcus and big, slobbery wet kiss right on his forehead. There isn't a court in this country that would convict me, (Just like the management of Pompey).

I concurr, lets grab jako now. HCDAJFU and then some, and good cover for Lambo, and we can rest him as well.

I think we have the theme for our last home game: Swedish Hero

As he is 31, why not sign for us now and get us into the CCC? Would be a good move, I feel, he can play for the club he loves, become a legend in his own right, and I am sure we can make sure he is financially well recompensed.

Has he even signed yet?????

And I recon that Alan Pardew has a big statue of Batty Boo in the hallway as a phone stand. Oh, sorry Alp I thought this post was about making inane statements that have nothing to do with the original post, the same as you. I though the question was where do you , not let all say we are going to beat all comers. Answer the question: Where do YOU expect/hope we finish? come on, i must press you? Why don't you answer the question? The good people need an answer?

don't panic don't panic

I'm sorry, i though you said 'Pompey are SHI'ITE'

There is no truth in the rumour that the new owners are Iraqi

Thats right. There's 4 at the back 5 in the middle and 3 up front, with the Ref

I feel such a fool What a w hanker I am

****, sorry everyone, got to blame BBC Iplayer this morning on the Wiii and me listening to it in the kitchen whilst making my sandwhiches. Posted in panic.

Whatching the League Show last night to see the goal, and Hudders may get a -3 penalty for fielding Gary Liddle against Brighton on Easter Monday? You got to be shi tting me. Where did that come from? Someone somewhere WANTS us to either: a) Go up this season, and laugh about it. b) Almost get within a gnats chuff of going up this season. And laugh about it.

How about waving Toblerones? Or Cheese?

Big Fish, Little Fish, Big Fish, Little Fish, Marge Simpson, Push the trolley!!!!

Why do people on here LOVE (love, love) to moan about the indiferent and content Why cant people just accept that everyone is different and everyone has different views, opinions and expectations. GIANT Yawn

Not clergy related but we had an Estimator at work called Hugh My(ock, and his son was called Paul. No Ball locks

My guess is that he used it and the barrel heated up and he didn't cool it down. This caused the mortar round to cook off in the barrel

No, we're the NEW saints, we have thrown off the hoodoo of the past.

Can't be bothered to troll through but.... The first Burger Joint, (not including Wimpeys) was called Huckleberries