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TSM Crap Joke Suppository....

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Just to tidy up all the joke threads so there is a one stop shop for all your crap one liners and SMS joke needs....

 

Here's one to get the ball rolling:

 

Little girl is in the garden with her Dad and she asks "Is that a Mummy-Longlegs underneath that Daddy-Longlegs?"

Dad says "No Sweetie, there are no Mummy-Longlegs, only Daddy-Longlegs."

Dad felt very proud of her inquisitive mind until she stamps on them both saying "We'll have none of that gay sh*t in our f***ing garden!"

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A couple take their young daughter on holiday to a nudist beach. After walking around for a while, the gil asks here mum, "why do some of the ladies on the beach have bigger boobies than you mummy?" The mother replies, "just ignore them darling, those women are silly."

 

The girl walks off and comes back an hour later and asks, "mummy, why do some of the men on the beach have bigger willies than daddy?" The mother replies, "just ignore those men darling, they are just stupid."

 

The girl walks off and comes running back an hour later shouting, "Mummy, mummy! daddy's talking to the silliest girl on the beach and he keeps getting stupider and stupider!"

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My wife handed me a brochure to the local spa and asked for a facial for her birthday.

 

Looking at the prices, I decided to give her a facial myself and save the £50 - left her with a face like a plasterer's radio. She was so happy she was crying at the end.

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A woman gets home from a nightshift and decides to wake her husband by giving him oral sex, she climbs under the bottom of the duvet, gently spreads his legs, pulls back his foreskin and sucks him off till he cums like never before, she then goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds her husband in there shaving "what are you doing in here !!!" she shouted, "Sshhhh !" he replied "you'll wake your Dad"

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A woman gets home from a nightshift and decides to wake her husband by giving him oral sex, she climbs under the bottom of the duvet, gently spreads his legs, pulls back his foreskin and sucks him off till he cums like never before, she then goes to the bathroom to clean up and finds her husband in there shaving "what are you doing in here !!!" she shouted, "Sshhhh !" he replied "you'll wake your Dad"

 

Did he wake up?

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A bear walks into a bar and says........

 

 

"I'd like a pint of..... stella, please"

 

 

 

 

The barman says "why the big pause?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Oh, I was merely deciding what I'd like to drink", says the bear, and he sits and enjoys his drink.

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Lenny Henry is still advertising cheap accommodation on TV stating you can lie in til 10. He'll need them now as i don't suppose he'll be getting up at the crack of Dawn.

 

 

 

 

Have another but it is mildly racist

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Lenny Henry is still advertising cheap accommodation on TV stating you can lie in til 10. He'll need them now as i don't suppose he'll be getting up at the crack of Dawn.

 

 

 

 

Have another but it is mildly racist

 

PM.

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A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q.

 

The manager asks "Would you like a screw for that mirror?"

 

"No", she replies, "however, I will suck your c0(k for a lawnmower"..

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A woman buys a wall mirror from B&Q.

 

The manager asks "Would you like a screw for that mirror?"

 

"No", she replies, "however, I will suck your c0(k for a lawnmower"..

 

Bloody dangerous place B&Q ..... I was looking for some outdoor stuff for the patio and one of the staff asked if I wanted decking, so I head butted him before he got a punch in :p

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Good idea, but a Repositotory is for the storage of Wizard of Oz based information, we need a repository.

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Good idea, but a Repositotory is for the storage of Wizard of Oz based information, we need a repository.

 

No it's not, it's where I keep my spare lady friends....

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Repositottory?

 

Let's get it in the OED....

 

 

 

My missus sent me shopping and told me to get something that would make her look really sexy.

I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of Stella.

 

 

Here all week....

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Nice one Boggy thx

 

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on

Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the

afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an

agreement

 

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of

virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%

this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase

in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage

of virgins in the afterlife.

 

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs

(or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its

members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary

Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves

to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be

treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

 

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently

resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize

with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet

their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day

Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

 

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in

the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and

laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell

3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

 

Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and

the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect

their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

 

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to

the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims

know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to

paradise.

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A bus load of good Catholic girls, was hit by a train while on a level crossing,

they all perished. At the gates of heaven, St Peter asks the girls whether they have ever had any contact with a penis....the first girl giggles and says she once touched the tip of one with her finger. Peter asks the girl to dip her

finger into the holy water. The next girl ...says she once fondled one so

she sticks her whole hand into the holy water. Suddenly there is a

commotion and one girl pushes to the front. 'Jenny, what's the rush?'

asks Peter. Jenny says 'I want to gargle that holy water before Kathy

sticks her arse in it!'

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I once was seeing an English teacher...however, he dumped me for improper use of the colon

 

Is that a joke?

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I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

 

I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can."

 

I said, "I think my c()ck tastes funny..."

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I once was seeing an English teacher...however, she dumped me for improper use of the colon

 

You also missed a full stop.

 

Sorry, had to do it. 8-[

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Thngs not to say to Polish people in your lounge this afternoon....

 

 

What's this? I want to watch the football.....

 

 

Ouch

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When we were sat on the sofa last night, Caroline turned to me and said, "You'll have to stop being so childish now that we're married."

 

I couldn't help but laugh at her for thinking that we're actually married. If only she knew that I was crossing my fingers behind my back when I said, "I do."

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are you a 1980s comic? - so subversive, dealing with the real issues.

 

 

Grass!

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I was just watching my mum masturbating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She was asleep ......

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I had a Geman plumber around the other day to sort my bathroom out.

He accidently connected the gas supply to the shower.....

 

Old habits die hard I guess...

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I knew a Spanish Fireman who had two sons...Jose and Hose B.

 

I actually chucked as I writted that

 

It wasn't that bad.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place..

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?' 'No,' she replies. . .

 

 

 

 

Wait for it. .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's coming. .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She says :

 

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

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Started a new job in HMV, a lad from Pompey came in an asked "do you have anything by The Doors" I replied "Yes ! an alarm and 2 security guards so dont even think about it you thieving skate b*stard"

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TSM??????????????????????????

Shhhhhhhh....I realised that as soon as hit the submit button....nobody else has noticed yet....

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A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash.

"What're the eggs for?" he asks.

"Every time we had crap sex I'd put an egg in the box." gasps the wife.

"Not bad," says the husband, "Three eggs in 35 years of marriage! Where did the cash come from?"

The wife replies "Every time I got a dozen I sold them."

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The ASDA Greeter.

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, *****r, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk, a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's east side, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

 

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

 

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck naw, they're no twins. The auldest wan's 9, and the ither wan's 7.

Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?'

 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam.' replied the greeter. 'I just

couldn't believe you've been ****ged twice

Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

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Well, Gordon Brown has lost my vote after his embarrassing public gaffe last week.

 

What on earth was he thinking asking a a woman for an opinion?....

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An elderly man is kneeling by his bed. His wife says "What are you praying for?" Husband says "Guidance". His wife says "Pray for stiffness and I'll f u c k ing guide it myself!"

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I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used whilst showering.

 

98% of them said "How the f*** did you get in here?!"

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I got home from work yesterday, and I had a parcel from Holland. I opened it, and a plastic vagina fell into my lap. 'Hello' I thought, 'someone has sent me two lips from Amsterdam'.

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Got a new neighbour who is Bulimic, the noise has been keeping me awake till all hours, last night it got so bad I had to bang the wall and ask her to keep it down.

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I was downloading some images of a chilled Prawn for a cooking project.

I am also Dyslexic.

Thats how those images ended up on my laptop your hounour.

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Elton John recently stormed off stage in anger after a fan shouted "You hoo!" at him. He was furious they'd found out what he used to stick his hair on. Elton was also unhappy with the flower decorations on stage. The organisers had put roses on his piano, when he really wanted tulips on his organ.

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