dronskisaint Posted 25 November, 2010 Share Posted 25 November, 2010 Snails estate agents, slug comes in and says "I'm a first-time buyer" What did the slug say to the snail? 'Biiiig Issue....!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SO5 4BW Posted 30 November, 2010 Share Posted 30 November, 2010 Had this this morning via text, but Dodi was replaced with "the French Coroner" What's a French mortuary assistant's favourite song? 'Zip-a-dee-Dodi, Zip-a-dee-Di' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 30 November, 2010 Share Posted 30 November, 2010 I sh*gged the arse off a deaf and blind girl last night. Was so ashamed of myself this morning that I superglued her fingers together so she cant tell anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 5 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 5 December, 2010 A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and tell the other about the afterlife. The husband goes first and makes contact a week or so later. "Gladys...." "Is that you Fred?" "Yes, I've come back to tell you what it's like on the other side....I have sex then breakfast, then off to the golf course, then more sex. I sunbathe then have sex again. Lunch, romp around the golf course, than have sex all afternoon. Then supper and more sex." "Oh Fred," says Gladys, 'You must be in heaven!!" "Nope, I'm a bl00dy rabbit in Norfolk." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 7 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 7 December, 2010 When travelling in extreme weather conditions the government advise you to carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right **** on the bus this morning.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 7 December, 2010 Share Posted 7 December, 2010 How do you turn a fox into a cow ? Marry her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 7 December, 2010 Share Posted 7 December, 2010 What's grey and comes in pints? An elephant Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecuk268 Posted 7 December, 2010 Share Posted 7 December, 2010 What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 7 December, 2010 Share Posted 7 December, 2010 When travelling in extreme weather conditions the government advise you to carry a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right **** on the bus this morning.... to be fair, one should not try to look 'cool' on a bus Redbul, if you are on a bus you ARE NOT cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 7 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 7 December, 2010 to be fair, one should not try to look 'cool' on a bus Redbul, if you are on a bus you ARE NOT cool. Tough crowd, tough crowd!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 13 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 13 December, 2010 A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 13 December, 2010 Share Posted 13 December, 2010 A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?" "Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault". "Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked. "In the park just down the road" she replied. "Can you describe what happened?" "Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there, removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me". "Could you give me a description of him?" "Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg". "Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant. "Yes", said the lady, "He was an Aussie Cricketer". "That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his accent?" "No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long". where DO you get them? proper lol, and i don't even like cricket. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 14 December, 2010 All over the place Ham. Emails, texts, jokes in pubs, at work....I feel duty bound to share my bounty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smithy Posted 14 December, 2010 Share Posted 14 December, 2010 What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 14 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 14 December, 2010 What's brown and sticky? A stick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 15 December, 2010 Share Posted 15 December, 2010 Where do you weigh a whale at a whaleweigh station of course Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 16 December, 2010 Share Posted 16 December, 2010 How do you turn a fox into a cow ? Marry her. What does it take to turn a cow in to a fox? About ten pints.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 16 December, 2010 Share Posted 16 December, 2010 Can we keep the xmas cracker jokes on a different thread please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 16 December, 2010 Share Posted 16 December, 2010 Can we keep the xmas cracker jokes on a different thread please. And your last contribution was the elephant joke! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 16 December, 2010 Share Posted 16 December, 2010 And your last contribution was the elephant joke! Lol ok, one more What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe flop Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 17 December, 2010 Share Posted 17 December, 2010 I was watching a great amateur sex scene last night until I heard the police sirens. I almost fell off my ladder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 23 December, 2010 Share Posted 23 December, 2010 What did the deaf, dumb and blind girl get for Christmas........? Nothing, She was unaware of the concept of Christmas. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thedelldays Posted 23 December, 2010 Share Posted 23 December, 2010 16 year old girl sits on Santas knee, 'Santa for Christmas I would like some hair between my legs"........ Santa replies,'would a white beard do?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marsdinho Posted 23 December, 2010 Share Posted 23 December, 2010 Why do woman fake orgasms They think that men care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 24 December, 2010 Share Posted 24 December, 2010 Women are very fond of telling that they are able to fake orgasms... So what, I say .......men can fake a whole relationship for a sh*g:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 24 December, 2010 Share Posted 24 December, 2010 Friendly Holiday Advice Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a5sholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and **** like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Simples Posted 24 December, 2010 Share Posted 24 December, 2010 Whats orange and smells of hippopotamus ****? Zippy's bellend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 26 December, 2010 Share Posted 26 December, 2010 What's green & smells of pork? Kermit's middle finger Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 27 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 27 December, 2010 I phoned a prostitute last night and said "Can you come to my house tonight for sex?" She said "I'm 300 pounds." I said "F**k that, have you got any skinny mates?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jones91 Posted 30 December, 2010 Share Posted 30 December, 2010 A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that branch over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I ****ing didn't!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 30 December, 2010 Share Posted 30 December, 2010 a man walks into a bar....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thefunkygibbons Posted 30 December, 2010 Share Posted 30 December, 2010 A baby seal walked into a club..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 31 December, 2010 Author Share Posted 31 December, 2010 I'm fed up with the excuses women come out with to avoid sex; "I'm washing my hair...." "I'm tired...." "I've got a headache...." "I'm your sister...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notnowcato Posted 4 January, 2011 Share Posted 4 January, 2011 Mangos in a bar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 7 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 7 January, 2011 The Liverpool board have said they don’t know who will be in charge for Sunday’s FA Cup clash with Man Utd. My money’s on Man Utd….. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rut Posted 7 January, 2011 Share Posted 7 January, 2011 A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her. "What a coincidence!" exclaimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me for the same reason." The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After 10 minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave. "Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky?" "I am," he replied. "I just f#cked your cat and just took a sh#t in your handbag. I'm off home now." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 8 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 8 January, 2011 I had to give a talk at work to a load of backpackers last week. They were on the edge of their seats. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tpbury Posted 9 January, 2011 Share Posted 9 January, 2011 I had to give a talk at work to a load of backpackers last week. They were on the edge of their seats. Good joke. Though I don't think it will get much laughs at the WMC. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dubai_phil Posted 9 January, 2011 Share Posted 9 January, 2011 Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's' magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted, "And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"!! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted 10 January, 2011 Share Posted 10 January, 2011 /\ reminds of the story i heard of a young couple living in the country who were having problems in the bedroom as the husband could not sustain an erection. chatting about his little problem to the local farmer in the village pub, the farmer invites him over the next day to see how he overcame a similar problem with one of his prize bulls who could not perform his duties. next day Billy arrives at the farm and they both gingerly walk up to the top field where the farmer proceeds to put his hand up a cows lady parts and then wipes his hand over the bull's face. the bull then snorts loudly, mounts said cow and does his business with vigour and gusto. off Billy goes home and carries his wife up to their bedroom. billy copies what the farmer showed him, rubbing the juices over his own face. 'does i look like a raging bull?' asks billy. 'no billy my lover you don't, you look more like a bloody red indian.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 10 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 10 January, 2011 Wind turbines. I'm a big fan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big John Posted 10 January, 2011 Share Posted 10 January, 2011 what do you call an aussie who is good with a bat? a vet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 10 January, 2011 Author Share Posted 10 January, 2011 what do you call an aussie who is good with a bat? a vet. What do you call an Aussie with a hundred runs to his name? A bowler. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keithd Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 Roses are red Violets are blue I've got Alzheimers Cheese on toast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 Farting in the lift... Wrong on so many levels! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 What do you call a world class Aussie cricketer? Retired Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 What are Australian Gripes@ What they make whine with... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keithd Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 Christ I woke up p*ssed Boxing Day. No food in the house, just an empty pizza box with a grey sock in it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SO5 4BW Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 Roses are red Violets are blue I've got Alzheimers Cheese on toast Roses are red Violets are blue I'm schizophrenic So am I Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pancake Posted 11 January, 2011 Share Posted 11 January, 2011 I sh*gged the arse off a deaf and blind girl last night. Was so ashamed of myself this morning that I superglued her fingers together so she cant tell anyone. Surely she can just tell someone? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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