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Elton John recently stormed off stage in anger after a fan shouted "You hoo!" at him. He was furious they'd found out what he used to stick his hair on. Elton was also unhappy with the flower decorations on stage. The organisers had put roses on his piano, when he really wanted tulips on his organ.


Elton John has just split up from his husband, after he found out he was having sex behind his back.

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I recently found out that there is an American working the till at my local McDonalds.


Ever since then, I've been going in daily and buying nothing but an 89p hamburger with a £10 note.

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I recently found out that there is an American working the till at my local McDonalds.


Ever since then, I've been going in daily and buying nothing but an 89p hamburger with a £10 note.


:confused: :rolleyes:


Can you quickly explain it to me before you get the big ban ;)

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I walked downstairs this morning in quite a bad mood and my wife said 'Someone's woken up on the wrong side of the bed!'


On an unrelated topic; I don't suppose anyone knows of any good methods of disposing of a dead body do they?

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I was trying to get to sleep last night but there was a group of teenagers outside causing a ruckus. I went outside and said, "What the **** are you doing at this hour?"

"Smashing glasses," said one of the boys.

What a nice young man, pointing out my brand-new spectacles.

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Note: Temp quoted in Fahrenheit -just in case the metricists among you start getting upset!

40 degrees -Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees -Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the top down.

20 degrees -Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland go out in only a T -shirt.

15 degrees -Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees -New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a last bar-b-q before it gets cold.

-10 degrees -People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees -Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold enough.

-100 degrees -Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees -Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky barrels.

-297 degrees -Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees -ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying “A bit hill billy eh?”

-500 degrees -Hell freezes over.

Scottish people support England in the World Cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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A French man has died whilst training to be a sky diver, sources at the English school of sky diving have said they have no idea why his flippers and snorkel didn't open.


Whats a Catholic Priest and a pint of Guiness got in common ?

Black Coat, White Collar and God help your arse if you get a dodgy one !


My girlfriends going nuts, she's just dumped me and threw me out of the house as she's found out ive been having sex with her sister, ive told her she is pathetic, getting jealous over a 9 year old girl.

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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.


Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her

private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor

whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough,

therewas definite movement.


They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As

crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick &

bring her out of the coma.'


The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close

the curtains for privacy.


The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few

minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The

nurses run back into the room.


'What happened!?' they cried.


The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

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The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.


The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"


The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."


The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.


"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."


She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"


This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.


The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"


An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road and now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bi#ch out the window."

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Bloke in a bar buys a pint then takes a photo from his top pocket, looks at it and puts it back. He does this every time he has a pint.


After the 8th pint the barman is intrigued and asks him "Why do you keep necking pints and looking at that picture?"


The bloke replies "It's a picture of the wife and when she looks good enough to f*** I'll go home!!!!"

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A Welshman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...


"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,

"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous *****,

you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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My wife just called and said the on the news Southampton police say that they have identified the weirdo who has been working in our neighbouthood, stealing ladies underwear and masturbating in them then posting them through the owners letterbox. They expect to have in in custody this evening.


'That's great news' I said, 'let's celebrate by moving to Australia'.

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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache'.

'Perfect,' her husband said, 'I was just in the bathroom powdering my c o c k with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository....'

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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.

The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'

'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.'

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops

Up from behind a rock and shouts..........




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A man enters a bar and orders a drink from a robot bartender. The robot serves him a pint then asks "Whats your IQ? The man replies 150 why? The robot then chats about global warming quantum physics and theology. He is impressed and decides to test the robot. He leaves the bar turns round and comes back in for another pint the robot serves him and asks "whats your IQ?" The man replies "About 100" Immediately the robot starts talking about football cricket golf cars and womens breasts Really impressed he decides to give the robot one more test.


He returns the robot serves him and asks "Whats your IQ?, The man replies "Er 10 i think"The robot slowly says "So ---are ---ya ---gonna --- renew---yer---season---ticket ---for---Portsmouth--again---next---year?

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  • 2 weeks later...

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.


Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise.


Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.


The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.


You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.


"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."


We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.


"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."


All the men sighed with unified relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.


He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.




"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel

For their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a



He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong



The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'


The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon





I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."

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