StDunko Posted 14 May, 2011 Share Posted 14 May, 2011 I had a pelican curry the other night. It tasted great, but the bill was enormous. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 14 May, 2011 Share Posted 14 May, 2011 My mrs found a load of animal porn on the computer this morning, but I think I got away with it. Blamed the dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 15 May, 2011 Share Posted 15 May, 2011 Glass coffins? Will they catch on? Remains to be seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1976_Child Posted 16 May, 2011 Share Posted 16 May, 2011 Glass coffins? Will they catch on? Remains to be seen. that is an aPALLing joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 16 May, 2011 Share Posted 16 May, 2011 that is an aPALLing joke. I thought it was dead funny myself.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 16 May, 2011 Share Posted 16 May, 2011 Tenerife? I'll not beheading there this year.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 16 May, 2011 Share Posted 16 May, 2011 (edited) Avram Grant has defied critics by getting a new contract 250 inclusive minutes and 500 texts Edited 16 May, 2011 by dronskisaint Spelling! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 16 May, 2011 Share Posted 16 May, 2011 Tenerife? I'll not beheading there this year.... Avram Grant has defied critics by getting a new contract 250 inclusive minutes and 500 texts consider these forwarded Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 18 May, 2011 Share Posted 18 May, 2011 I hear Ryanair have charged the family of that poor woman in Tenerife £60 in excess baggage charges....just goes to show what happens if you don't book ahead..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 19 May, 2011 Share Posted 19 May, 2011 Just finished reading Kate McCann's book........ She's left the door open for a sequel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 19 May, 2011 Share Posted 19 May, 2011 Just finished reading Kate McCann's book........ She's left the door open for a sequel. Funny you should mention that. I got chucked out of Waterstones this morning, they didnt like me moving her book into the "murder mystery" section. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 19 May, 2011 Share Posted 19 May, 2011 A gypsy girl is about to get married. Her mum says, "Emerald, you do realise that on your wedding night your husband will want to stick his most prized possession in to where you plss?", daughter replies, "come off it, how the f*ck's he gonna fit his Transit in the sink?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 26 May, 2011 Share Posted 26 May, 2011 23 people have been found glued to the ceiling and walls of a train in Dublin. Irish Police believe that political activists may have set of the first ever No More Nails bomb. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 26 May, 2011 Share Posted 26 May, 2011 A duck came into the curry shop that I was in tonight and ordered a house special, the owner spotted he didn't have a wallet so asked how he intended paying. The asked him to put it on his bill, you should have seen the mess and the duck is still in a korma. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 26 May, 2011 Share Posted 26 May, 2011 Just got a text from my mates wife, he is in hospital with food poisoning after eating a daffodil bulb, thinking it was an onion. The doctors have said he will be out next spring. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 27 May, 2011 Share Posted 27 May, 2011 a snake said to his friend ,'is our venom poisonous?' 'why?' was the reply 'well I just bit my tongue' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alehouseboys Posted 30 May, 2011 Share Posted 30 May, 2011 A man goes to the doctors with something growing out of his bum. After examination the doctor said "I'm afraid to inform you it's a lettuce but that's just the tip of the iceberg..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 May, 2011 Share Posted 31 May, 2011 Me and my wife just fostered a 17 year old lad from portsmouth. I hit him with three cans and she landed two. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 31 May, 2011 Share Posted 31 May, 2011 Picked up a girl in the pub last night, told her I was going to f*ck her in the kitchen, the bathroom, the lounge and the bedroom. She gasped and said "wow, you must have some stamina".... She seemed a bit disappointed when we got back to the caravan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miserableoldgit Posted 3 June, 2011 Share Posted 3 June, 2011 Had these e-mailed to me today. SOME are quite funny My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that ... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Bugger me, talk about Dyson with death. Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador ." "Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind" Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up! I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you are reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "You're obviously not bloody listening." The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Hi mate, I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gingeletiss Posted 8 June, 2011 Share Posted 8 June, 2011 The wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers...........so I did........she's 21 and her name is Lucy.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrollman no2 Posted 8 June, 2011 Share Posted 8 June, 2011 My sister must be the unluckiest girl i know. She hasnt had a boyfriend for over five years,and now shes just caught E Coli from a cucumber!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocknrollman no2 Posted 8 June, 2011 Share Posted 8 June, 2011 Whats the difference between Iron man and Iron woman? Ones a superhero and ones an instruction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwsaint Posted 8 June, 2011 Share Posted 8 June, 2011 Never say "you can say that again" to a person with alzeimers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 10 June, 2011 Share Posted 10 June, 2011 I was on the Internet recently, and I went to conjunctivitis.com... that's a site for sore eyes!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 11 June, 2011 Share Posted 11 June, 2011 (edited) Bloke kept on telling his girlfriend not to turn her head away as they got towards the end of a blowjob....did she listen? In one ear and out of the other! Edited 11 June, 2011 by dronskisaint Typos! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 11 June, 2011 Share Posted 11 June, 2011 (edited) Bloke kept on telling his girlfriend not to turn her head away as they got towards the end of a blowjob....did she listen? In one ear and out of the other! Edited 11 June, 2011 by dronskisaint Typos! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 11 June, 2011 Share Posted 11 June, 2011 How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its c*ck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jjsaint Posted 11 June, 2011 Share Posted 11 June, 2011 How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its c*ck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 13 June, 2011 Share Posted 13 June, 2011 Wayne Rooney's hair transplant was from Colleen's pubes. Doctors said it was the best place to find hair for a c()nt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lets B Avenue Posted 13 June, 2011 Share Posted 13 June, 2011 I can do a great impression of Imran Khan's ex-wife. Jehmima? No. I do her voice as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gigersaint Posted 14 June, 2011 Share Posted 14 June, 2011 Heard about a bloke with five dicks the other day... ... his pants fit like a glove. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 15 June, 2011 Author Share Posted 15 June, 2011 Just a little reminder that the Premature Ejaculation Society Annual Dance is on Friday. No dress code.....just come in your pants. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badgerx16 Posted 16 June, 2011 Share Posted 16 June, 2011 A Mexican, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde Cornish girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink With the same one twice either.' The blonde Cornish girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 12 bore, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Great Britain, we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wadge Posted 16 June, 2011 Share Posted 16 June, 2011 Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it.." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!" Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft fool," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 17 June, 2011 Share Posted 17 June, 2011 My ex wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help!" So i sent her a timetable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaford Saint Posted 17 June, 2011 Share Posted 17 June, 2011 My mates wife has just left him. Took his Sky dish and all his Bob Marley records ..... No woman, no Sky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StDunko Posted 18 June, 2011 Share Posted 18 June, 2011 Pompey's Clinton's Cards shop have reported disappointing sales in the run up to Father's day. Apparently none of the locals know who their father is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 22 June, 2011 Share Posted 22 June, 2011 What do women and food blenders have in common? They both make great meals but you wouldnt want to lick one out when its on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 23 June, 2011 Share Posted 23 June, 2011 A man from Portsmouth who appeared on the Tv series Embarrassing Bodies was delighted to find out that the red rash around his cock was only his sisters lipstick! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scotty Posted 27 June, 2011 Share Posted 27 June, 2011 Breaking news, serious explosion at the pie factory this morning. 3.1415927 dead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dronskisaint Posted 28 June, 2011 Share Posted 28 June, 2011 (edited) Tory activist found dead in Glastonbury portaloo Rest in p*ss.... Edited 29 June, 2011 by dronskisaint letter censor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redbul Posted 28 June, 2011 Author Share Posted 28 June, 2011 I was sat in the lounge with the missus last night, idly flicking through the TV channels: Porn; Golf; Porn; Golf; Porn; Golf.... The wife says, "Leave it on porn, you know how to play bl00dy golf...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 30 June, 2011 Share Posted 30 June, 2011 I was showing my doctor the rash on my cock today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it. He just told me to make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and walked off pushing his shopping trolley. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dog Posted 5 July, 2011 Share Posted 5 July, 2011 I had Stephen Hawking over for dinner. All the pervy old bastard did was look to his left at my 10 year old daughter, smiling and drooling. And the bag of gravy he brought with him was all lumpy and tasted bloody horrible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Upwind Posted 6 July, 2011 Share Posted 6 July, 2011 I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day. There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet. As we lay together making love I thought to myself........ These f*cking tazers are well worth the money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Saint_Pedro Posted 8 July, 2011 Share Posted 8 July, 2011 A guy meets a cute girl at a bar and strikes up a conversation. Many drinks and a long enjoyable evening later, he asks her to come back to his apartment. In no time, they are in the throws of passion, tearing off each others' clothes. His manhood at full attention, he has just her socks and panties to go before reaching the promised land. When he pulls off her socks he realizes that she is missing all 10 toes. She explains that she lost them after having been unprotected in freezing weather, and they were amputated due to frostbite. This immediately causes him to lose his erection and to have no desire to continue with his love making. No longer the least bit interested in continuing, he apologizes to her and rushes to get her dressed and out of his house. As she was a real beauty and he couldn't wait to mount her, the event really bothers him so he visits his doctor and relates what happened. Upon finishing his story, the doctor pats him on the shoulder and says "Nothing to fret about. It just appears that you are lack toes intolerant." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OldNick Posted 8 July, 2011 Share Posted 8 July, 2011 I asked a Welshman how many times he had made love, as he counted he fell to sleep Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hamster Posted 8 July, 2011 Share Posted 8 July, 2011 Told to me by a hippy (important detail) boater last night. What should you do if you see a spaceman? Moor your boat n it, man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saintscottofthenortham Posted 12 July, 2011 Share Posted 12 July, 2011 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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